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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
Aworldofmyown · 08/02/2017 21:28

Sorry if this has been suggested. Haven't rtft.

Could you find a little spot in the garden and let them bury the ashes, maybe get a nice plant you can't place over the top.

Just thinking then they are in the ground and thats, that iyswim. I would also ask for clarification that they want want to 'visit' the ashes.

ChickenVindaloo2 · 08/02/2017 21:28

If you say no, good chance they'll do it anyway seeing as how it was her dying wish! You can't really stop them!

Toast3 · 08/02/2017 21:29

Maybe suggest they bury the ashes - at least they won't be blowing around. How sad... what a horrible position you're in OP 😩

SuperBeagle · 08/02/2017 21:30

Ask if they'd like the ashes to be planted beneath a tree or something in the garden. This is what I'd do if someone approached me with this sort of request.

FWIW, I wouldn't be weirded out by it, and I'd have no objection to it. We scattered my ashes in the place he loved the most, and I'd imagine it wouldn't've been easy to approach someone, had they lived there, to ask for permission, but I would've done it.

And there's nowhere near as much dust as some people on here seem to think. My father was a young, fit, 6 ft something man and the size of his ashes surprised me (in that a person could be reduced down to something so small and insignificant). The ashes will have blown away before you know it.

Peppardew · 08/02/2017 21:30

Could you maybe offer to put up a small brass plaque on a tree or something, the type you often see on park benches, ie in memory of Jean, who loved this garden sort of thing. It would seem a nice gesture, but hopefully avoid any need for annual visits etc. I think scaterring does seem more of an emotional idea than a thought through plan, all sorts of issues as mentioned could come up.

Aworldofmyown · 08/02/2017 21:30

won't

user1477282676 · 08/02/2017 21:30

I think they will do it anyway if you say no. So say yes....and remain in control. Point out that you "don't mind them visiting once a year on the anniversary" so they will know that's all you will allow.

Italiangreyhound · 08/02/2017 21:31

This may sound a really odd thought but...

When my dad died we panted a rose tree in a pot in his memory, so if we moved we could take it with us.

Could you offer them to bury her ashes in a rose tree pot but do this in your garden and then take the rose tree, pot and ashes with them?

Peppardew · 08/02/2017 21:32

I.e instead of, not as well as if that wasn't clear!

Italiangreyhound · 08/02/2017 21:32

Seeingadistance
"I think the suggestion a few pages back is a very good one - that you offer them soil from the garden which they can take away and mingle with the ashes to be scattered or buried in another, accessible, place which was meaningful for them."

This seems a brilliant suggestion.

jacks11 · 08/02/2017 21:33

I don't think you have to say yes, as some posters suggest.

It's your house and if it will make you feel unhappy and uncomfortable in your home/garden, then that is actually a good enough reason to politely decline. I don't think it heartless to do so.

Two of my grandparents were cremated. On both occasions they were not the type of ash to simply blow away in the wind. That may or may not bother you, however.

Personally, I would say no. Mainly, I would be concerned that he (or other family members) would want to visit frequently, or even just for anniversaries and so on. If you do agree to it, I think you need to decide where you stand on this and be very clear as to him if you don't want him coming round.

Good luck op.

witwootoodleoo · 08/02/2017 21:33

I couldn't bear to torture someone that was grieving by not letting them fulfil their wife's dying wishes. But I'm not sure I'd want a pile of ashes so I'd compromise on them being buried in a cask- biodegradable if they prefer the idea of her going back to the earth

Italiangreyhound · 08/02/2017 21:34

user892 "...in a large pot to keep at their home - together with her remains - so they can plant her favourite flowers."

LilQueenie · 08/02/2017 21:35

Could you not tell them that although you would love to help you feel a little unsettled by it and perhaps reach a compromise of scattering the ashes at a certain area where you can then plant a rose bush or similar in their memory. Best of both worlds then. Of course you could always bury the remains in a box and do similar.

quarkinstockcubes · 08/02/2017 21:35

I'm a bit agog at the posters who are saying you can't really say no or stop them? If I sell a dog to someone it is mine, I am not being pedantic about it, it is a fact (recognized by law) No matter how much I was/am attached to it I cannot make demands of the new owners.

OnTheUp13 · 08/02/2017 21:36

I honestly would be scared she'd come back to haunt me if I didn't let them. But I've got a very overactive imagination.

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 08/02/2017 21:37

Fortunately where I live it's far too windy for scattering anything to be a common thing. I would feel really awful about it, but I'd have to say no, for all sorts of reasons. Mostly though, it would feel the same to me as someone wanting to bury their relative in my garden. I know it isn't the same, but that's how it would feel for me and I would be the one who had to continue living there.
Several of my relatives have had last wishes which were not carried out, because it wasn't practical or affordable. I would certainly see this as not practical and would probably view it as the kind of wish which we all make, of the "if only..." type.

user1477282676 · 08/02/2017 21:37

Quark it's not that they can't stop them but the thing is, they may sneak and do it anyway when OP is out.

Sara107 · 08/02/2017 21:37

My parents wanted to be scattered in their garden, we are now selling it so the new owners will inherit them plus graves of 3 or 4 dogs, about 8 cats, a rabbit a few guinea pigs and sundry poultry. They are also getting my grandpa's gravestone, which is cemented into place as a garden step. My sister also had a request for a previous resident of her house to be scattered.
I would allow it, the ashes themselves will disperse and all that you are left with is the knowledge that that woman was happy in your house for 50 yrs, which would make me feel happy. In time, her husband might want to join her. Either arrange for them to come while you're out, or embrace the idea and invite her family in for a cup of tea.

witwootoodleoo · 08/02/2017 21:38

Not sure how giving them soil from your garden helps. She wanted to go "home" not be scattered in a random place with some soil from home - or at least that's how I'd see it if I was grieving

ReginaGeorgeinSheepsClothing · 08/02/2017 21:39

Would that not count as trespassing if they go and do it without permission??

Italiangreyhound · 08/02/2017 21:39

user892 "Italiangreyhound - volume can vary a lot, and some crematoriums don't give you all of the ashes as they will dispense enough to fill your chosen receptacle. The rest is discarded.

Average is about the weight of a small baby (which I quite liked the thought of, in a circle-of-life way). When my father died the canister was very large and it was filled to the top."

That is rather lovely in a way, and maybe I just saw what I expected to see. But in my mum's case it was a small amount and blew away. But I do like the idea is the weight of a small baby.

I don't find this stuff upsetting (my mum's death was almost a year ago) it was actually a blessed release for her from a very sad illness.

Italiangreyhound · 08/02/2017 21:40

"She wanted to go "home"" Is that what the man said??

honeyroar · 08/02/2017 21:40

I'd go with the suggestion of asking them to scatter the ashes in a corner of the front garden so they can visit without intruding. Surely, for people saying there will be loads of ash that won't blow away, you can scatter some soil over the top once the family has gone?

Between4and30characters · 08/02/2017 21:40

Quite a lot of emotional blackmail type comments on this thread.

OP didn't make any promises to the couple. She knows nothing about them really. If the annual visit some are suggesting takes place, what happens if there is some kind of falling out? Will OP have to consider the husband every time she plans to do anything different in the garden?