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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
CoolCarrie · 09/02/2017 17:47

You are doing a lovely, kind thing for the old man, well done on a great resolution.

DancingOnMyOwn · 09/02/2017 17:47

How lovely of you, OP. I'm sure this will mean a lot to the man and he will be very grateful. Flowers

Noregretsatall · 09/02/2017 17:48

Dottie, I think what you're doing is truly admirable. I remember what my Dad was like after we lost Mum, he was just overwhelmed with grief, fragile, vulnerable and lonely (still is really). If this poor man is in a similar state then you're doing a wonderful thing by helping him to honour his wife's wishes and reaching out to help him in his loneliness. God bless you. Flowers

dstill1964 · 09/02/2017 17:49

You are only human to feel like this. I would allow it and find it comforting to know how happy they have been whilst they lived there. It's still your home but for want of a better phrase consider it that your home has a guardian Angel there x

Supermam · 09/02/2017 17:49

I'm sorry, I'd say no. YANBU; they've put you in a very difficult situation. It's your home now. I would gently explain that it's not acceptable to all your family. Some people get worried that there's a pet buried in their gardens. They could perhaps choose another cherished location - perhaps a beach etc. Apologies if others have said similar; I haven't read all the posts.

HoneyBeeMum1 · 09/02/2017 17:52

Dottie - I got to the bottom of page one and didn't realise there were another 18!

You are very kind, particularly bearing in mind your initial reservations.

kilmuir · 09/02/2017 17:53

Your house is a special place for them. I think that's lovely.
Might not scatter all her ashes . We split my dads ashes up. He is all over the place!

Alidoll · 09/02/2017 17:55

Do they have any grown up kids / other relatives? I'm just envisaging a few years from now when the old gentleman himself dies. Will he want to be "close" to his wife aka spread in the same garden? Perhaps suggest a little bit of her ashes could be spread but the rest somewhere they loved to go to (walk in the park / seaside stroll etc..

Supermam · 09/02/2017 17:55

Dottie - I've just read your last post. An admirable solution; you are a very kind person. Flowers

Craigie · 09/02/2017 17:58

Yep, YABU.

SloanyAnne · 09/02/2017 18:01

Dottie you are a very lovely human being.
That is all.
Flowers

Nanny0gg · 09/02/2017 18:02

On a desktop too so OP updates are harder to see/find.

No. You customise to show your posts in one colour and the OP's in another.
It's very clear.

Well done OP, you are very kind.

GinAndFrolics · 09/02/2017 18:02

If only there were more kind people like you, OP. Amazing Flowers

Postchildrenpregranny · 09/02/2017 18:04

I was going to suggest he put some of the ashes somewhere more accessible but it sounds as though you may become friends anyway . (There is quite a lot of it and it takes ages to scatter )You sound like a lovely person ..It's usual to scatter ashes on grass if you are doing it in a garden .it rains in fairly quickly .(I was surprised at this when an Aunt was scattered in the rose garden of the crem.
I thought it would fertilize the roses )
The people we bought our house from 30years ago had moved in when it was new and raised their family here.She told me she was so pleased we would be doing the same-we had a 2year old and I told her I was pregnant -as they had been happy here. .I would feel the same and would hate to sell it to someone I disliked .And I wouldn't have minded if one of them had wanted to be scattered here .

Original poster
Dottie39 · 09/02/2017 18:05

For those asking about him, I am already resolute that if he wishes he can have some/all of his ashes next to his wife, with a similar plaque.

His daughter called this afternoon to thank me and suggest we all go together to choose the plaque, so I am happy with it in my garden. At first I declined as felt it would be intrusive but she reassured me no, and that they would like to do it with me.

We have also decided that we will return after the first hour of the ceremony to join them in celebrating her life. They are bringing nibbles but I will make some food ready too.

Honestly they are the nicest family!

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 09/02/2017 18:06

Dottie that is totally lovely and a brilliant suggestion. I am sure they will 've very happy.

To all those who cannot understand how someone could say no; it's very simple - we all choose to react differently to death, and when people are asking a favour there is always the option to say no. I don't think it is cold or callous to thoughtfully decide this is something you could not agree to. But I do think it is lovely th OP will say yes.

EatSpamAmandaLamb this woman is harassing you, she is clearly very upset and needs help. If you find her calls too obtrusive please warn her you will contact the authorities. No amount if home visits will bring back a loved one and she does need some help to process thus loss.

Sparklyglitter · 09/02/2017 18:07

How awkward! We buried my Mum's ashes in the family holiday home under her favourite plant. It's soothing for me to think of her ashes being returned to nature rather than a burial!

Some people put the ashes in more than one place...is that a possibility?

I think I would have to say that I'm happy to accept their wishes, but that we don't feel comfortable with them returning and are they sure they really want to throw the ashes where they can't visit them?

The ashes sink in quickly, you can hose the garden once they've gone so the ashes soak in, the thought of them floating around the garden wouldn't make me feel very comfortable...poor you!

bluesbaby · 09/02/2017 18:09

😭
Dottie, you are a lovely person, and I hope good things come to you in life.
Your thread has made me cry !

MakeJam · 09/02/2017 18:11

Ashes are very good for the soil just rake it in. I think it would be nice of you to let them scatter the lady's ashes.

Loreleigh · 09/02/2017 18:11

As nice as it might be for the grieving husband, I would be even more worried about future visits than another family turning my garden into a memorial for their dead relatives. What if the husband wants to 'visit the spot', or certain friends and family can't make the ceremony date planned and also want to visit at soe stage in the future. And, as others have pointed out, the husband may then think it OK to want to be scattered in your garden with his wife. Maybe another special place to them could be used. I feel for you as this is a difficult situation - trying to be respectful and compassionate, but also having your own family and feelings about your home and garden to consider. I don't know what I would do and hope I'm never put in that position! This family are grieving and I'd hate to add to their grief, but maybe they need to find an alternative as you may also end up sharing elements of their grief!

Chathamhouserules · 09/02/2017 18:12

Your house obviously attracts nice families.

Givemestrengthorwine · 09/02/2017 18:13

Do you have shrubs or bushes? Maybe bury the ashes and plant something on top!
I must be honest i think it is really sweet! 😘
I would suggest just waiting till it warms up a bit (the ground wont be so hard) and i would do tea and biscuits/cakes, because i'm just like that! (a push over my dh says!)
Keep in mind you may get a call when the old man goes too. 💐💖

Ohyesiam · 09/02/2017 18:16

I don't get why this would be awkward, or a problem for you. You get to give something really important to someone without having to do anything.

Ohyesiam · 09/02/2017 18:18

So sorry op, I only read the first post and am way behind.

YouHadMeAtCake · 09/02/2017 18:18

For the love of god would people please RTFT! Op has updated her decision and it's lovely, if only some people would actually bother to read it! Grin