To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

[Dottie39]

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

However, if they want a small 10x9 plaque with her name or whatever I will fix it on gate by where ashes are buried. There is rear access to garden so if he lets me know he can pop by on special occasions without bothering me

oh Dottie that is lovely and made me cry too. Thank you for doing this. Please give us an update when relevant. So so kind and definitely the right thing to do.

I haven't RTFT (rather: I haven't caught up today), but just wanted to suggest:

What if you ever sell the house and the husband/children expect regular access to the property? That could cause problems for you trying to sell. You are supposed to declare neighbourly disputes, and having someone external accessing the property could put buyers off and may require declaring. It certainly wouldn't but a property in those circumstances.

I think you sound lovely, but I really don't think it's a good idea from a long term perspective.

You are so kind, your offer moved me to tears. What a wonderful example to your children.

The ashes wouldn't bother me at all, the worry that they would keep making a pilgrimage to my garden in the future would

This was the first thing that crossed my mind, 3 weeks later...... "Do you mind, its 'Dorothys' birthday, I wont be in your way, just me and the children!"

NOPE, NOPE, NOPE!

I would be outrageously callous and suggest a favourite holiday spot that he can go to and visit anytime to spread his dearly departed, you may want to concrete the garden and have a swimming pool/jacuzzi/sauna put in.....

Dotty you are superb.

This thread was making me so sad with all those posters saying "hell no!" then I got to your update and felt better. There's hope in this world.

Rtft will help

OP Wish there were more people like you on the planet, I really mean that. Faith in human nature restored.
x

Dottie - your kindness has made me cry. Thank god there are people like you on this earth. What a lovely, lovely person you are. Your solution is heartwarming. Never usually post on here, but had to let you know - you've restored my faith in humanity!

Dottie. What a lovely thing to do. I'm so glad he's keeping some of the ashes with him too. How lovely of you to invite him round.

Jinan how about you bother to RFTF?! so callous too!

I would let them.

And I'd ask in advance of significant dates and let them know they could come back.

But I'm a big softhearted idiot. I can imagine the pain of them having to leave the home they had lived in and raised a family must have been so bad and if she wants to 'go home' then how could I stand in her way?

I think it would be nice to create an area for them, a little two seater bench, a rose bush or similar, windchimes. Whatever make it a special area.

And then I'd hope that I would also have 50 happy years in that same home.

I'd say yes and have tea and cake ready for them - but I'm also sentimental!

But seriously - you could very gently point out 'oh but wouldn't you prefer somewhere you could visit regularly?' - could you say this to a daughter/son in law? I'm probably over complicating things.

Good luck - I can see why you'd feel uncomfortable

Sorry, I missed your update.

Dottie, that is just lovely. I am so pleased that you are welcoming into your home and family.

Poor man sounds incredibly lost. I hope that he can become a sort of surrogate dad/grandad to you all.

I'd find it hard to find a way to say it but I most definitely wouldn't want a dead person scattered in my back garden- and even worse if they think it's okay to keep visiting?

What a horrible position to put someone in. I'm sorry to seem heartless but how rude to ask!!

Id do it but ask them to bury the container instead of scattering ashes as I'd be uncomfortable knowing someones remains were blowing around my garden and what the etiquette would be after ie letting them visit, how soon til u do some gardening, let kids play out there.....and what if its a rainy windy day and the ashes get blown around and god forbid stick to your windows etc

Very morbid i know but I'd be uncomfortable about it too x

People, RTFT!!!!

This sounds like my family situation. My parents ashes were scattered in our family garden (before the house was sold). We have never been back but it was good to fulfil their wishes. Please let him do it - dig a hole if you prefer and plant some bulbs on top.

Take yourself and your family out when he comes round so he can fulfil his duties without you watching over him (and be aware he may require the same thing for himself).

Don't be too precious about it - we are all living where generations of people have lived before. We are all just passing through. And one day it will be your turn or the turn of someone you love.

I don't think they should have put you in that position, and I think you should not feel guilty for saying you would rather not.

Sorry, it's your house, she must have had a favourite park or walking spot or something?

Don't feel bad. On the other hand, ashes are totally safe and roses love the potash!!

Well done OP, you are a kind person.

Dottie I just read your update. You are being wonderful. Hopefully you will all get something out of this situation.

You are being really kind, OP - however like pp I'd feel a bit uncomfortable knowing that if I sold the house then I would have to upset them again if the next owners weren't amenable to having strangers turning up in the back garden.

If you are happy with the idea of having the ashes is there a front garden that could have a rose or tree planted in it with the ashes so even if the house was sold they can unobtrusively visit?

Agree with Mumzypopz !!

It might kill him if you say no.
I know what you mean because I can see why it would feel weird. I'd probably go out for the day and leave them to it. I'd like to be magnanimous by inviting them in for tea and sandwiches. But I'd worry they'd judge what I'd done to 'their' home.

therealpippi

"This thread has 447 messages" - erm nope.

On a desktop too so OP updates are harder to see/find.

I do not understand the reluctance. It is only the ashes. If they were proposing to bury her body in your garden, I could understand your problem. Could they bury the ashes in the urn?

My parent's ashes are buried in this way in the garden of our old family home. However, it would never occur to me to turn up to 'visit them'. If the widower intends to do this, you will need to put him right straight away.