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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
ApproachingATunnel · 09/02/2017 11:48

I'm affraid i would have to refuse in this situation. It is your house, not a burial grounds. How people think it's acceptable to ask for something like this i dont know. Everytime your kids will go and potter in the garden they will potentially be putting their fingers into the lady's ashes. Not ok with me.
I would very kindly explain that i feel very uncomfortable about the whole idea and ask them to respect your privacy.

Bluebellevergreen · 09/02/2017 11:56

Ohhh what a lovely OP 🙂🙃
Glad that you find a solution that you feel is right.
And he is coming for lunch? Awww
You are lovely

LotsOfAxolotlsAndOcelots · 09/02/2017 11:57

Dottie Love the update. You sound so kind. There needs to be more like you in the world.

dontcallmelen · 09/02/2017 11:58

Dottie one of the kindest things I have read in a long time, seems a solution has been found that suits you both 💐

Original poster
Dottie39 · 09/02/2017 11:59

Feel sad that I didn't know how much the house meant to them before. I would have let her visit, especially when she knew she was dying. He said they hadn't considered asking, I really wish they had.

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 09/02/2017 12:12

it feels right

Then it IS. Smile You're a good'un, OP. Have a lovely lunch what are you having? [nosy]

Jayfee · 09/02/2017 12:14

I'll take the moral highground and you'll take the lowground...seems that song resonates on many posts here and elsewhere on mumsnet. The op has decided on a course of action that fits well with her...good.

Greta84 · 09/02/2017 12:17

I OP take back totally what I said. How judgemental of me of this man to assume that he would want more. What you're doing is amazing and so very kind.

CharlieDimmocksbosoms · 09/02/2017 12:24

So now he wishes to bury not scatter the ashes? I think there are some environmental laws on burying ashes not so much for scattering so check up. Very sad situation. You are being a lovely person.

elastamum · 09/02/2017 12:24

Dottie, you are so kind and it is lovely that you have offered a solution that you are happy with. It will make so much difference to this man, giving him the comfort that he was able to honour his wife's wishes.

Well done Flowers

MrsPeelyWaly · 09/02/2017 12:26

Dottie, thank you for doing this. Its all just wonderful.

Flowers
Therealloislane · 09/02/2017 12:48

Dottie 😢 you're salt of the earth. X

childmaintenanceserviceinquiry · 09/02/2017 12:56

what a kind lady you are Flowers

Littlechip · 09/02/2017 13:06

Good for you, if this is the right solution for you OP.

I'll take the moral highground and you'll take the lowground

Jayfee What does this even mean? That if you'd prefer not to do this you're somehow immoral?

Jayfee · 09/02/2017 13:13

no i don' t think this at all. but on all mumsnet threads there seems to be over reaction to differing views. somebody on this thread compared it ti brexit v remain and i agree with her post. it is not immoral to not want to have human ashes in your garden. we are all different.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 09/02/2017 13:46

Dottie39 wow what a lovely thing to do Flowers

paddypants13 · 09/02/2017 13:52

I would say no to scattering but would maybe you could compromise on burying them?

If you do agree you need to make it absolutely clear they will not be allowed to visit the site and you will not let his ashes be buried alongside his wife's.

I think it would just be a flat no from me actually. It's very sad and I am sad for the family but it is your house now.

Itmustbemyage · 09/02/2017 13:54

Dottie how nice to do something so special for someone else just because you can.
To spend time with the man as well as agreeing to his request makes you even more considerate.
I'm glad it was your garden and not someone else's. Flowers

MagicChicken · 09/02/2017 13:57

I wouldn't find this weird at all or be freaked out by the what the ash once was, and I'd be delighted to oblige.

Even if you find it a bit odd I'd hope you could overcome it as it would be an utterly lovely thing to do for her family.

Perhaps you could ask them to bury the ash in the container rather than scatter them if it makes you less uneasy.

Fozzleyplum · 09/02/2017 13:59

Interesting thread. Here's how I'd approach it:

  1. Are you happy with the general idea of having some ashes in the garden (irrespective of the practical issues)? If you just don't like the idea, then politely explain that you're not. it's your house now and you shouldn't feel emotionally blackmailed to do something you are not comfortable with. Some might say the chap was wrong to ask, but maybe he is overcome by grief, or maybe his boundaries are simply different from yours. Don't take any notice of those who say you are unreasonable/unkind if you say no. If it's a "no", see if he would like some soil as PPs have suggested.
  1. If you are happy in principle, then say yes, but make your "conditions" clear. eg how many ashes, scattered/buried, the arrangements for scattering/burying, the fact that you might not preserve the garden as it is, whether or not you are prepared to offer "visiting rights" and on what terms and the fact that anything you offer will not be guaranteed for ever, if you sell the house. There's some good advice on this thread about the practical considerations. I'd write to him to tell him this, so that it's all agreed properly.

Different people have different attitudes to human remains, grief and burial grounds, and different boundaries about what is and is not appropriate. If you're prepared to agree to this, you need to be very clear about exactly what it is you are prepared to commit to, just in case the old lady's family are expecting a level of continuing visiting etc that you are not happy with.

MagicChicken · 09/02/2017 13:59

Oops sorry, just realised this thread is really long and obviously the OP has already agreed by the looks of things!

Mcchickenbb41 · 09/02/2017 14:05

dottie. You sound like a lovely person Flowers

Chardonnay73 · 09/02/2017 14:05

Dottie, that's made me cry, you sound lovely, what a kind thing to do. I hope you have a lovely lunch, and who knows, it may be the start of a new friendship, albeit an unconventional one.

Chathamhouserules · 09/02/2017 14:24

That's lovely that he had you to talk to and, although it's a sad time, you know you have made it easier for him and have added to the overall sum of human happiness.

alwaysthepessimist · 09/02/2017 14:24

I would let them do it, it helps them get through this grief, I would also (because I am a big softy) be offering to plant a tree or a rosebush in her memory.

and then spend all my time stressing about it

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