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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
SapphireStrange · 09/02/2017 10:24

I'm sorry to hear that, EatSpam. I do think the OP's situation is different, though, and she's obviously going to put measures in place to make clear what the boundaries are.

In your case, I'd tell this woman that while I had every sympathy for her, she cannot come to my house once a month, and that if she persisted in calling me I'd block her number. Then I'd block her if she did call again.

Goldenhandshake · 09/02/2017 10:26

If it were me I'd say yes, and would probably offer to plant her under a specific plant or something so she remained in the grounds of the house, I'd personally find it comforting knowing the previous owner loved the property so much.

However I can also understand your reservations, I think it is a tough one.

Goldenhandshake · 09/02/2017 10:27

Eatspam your situation is very different, and awful, I feel for her, but she is actually harrassing you now and her demands are entirely unreasonable.

EatSpamAmandaLamb · 09/02/2017 10:29

Yes, it is quite different but it did start with her wanting to visit our side courtyard area as a "one off" on return from his funeral. It all sort of spiralled from there.

ArcheryAnnie · 09/02/2017 10:30

All you who are going "human remains - yuk!" - we are on a small island that has been settled for a very long time. If you live in a big city, the chances are that you are already living very close to human remains. One of the previous places I lived, you wouldn't know that the garden had been a graveyard , as had the road next to it. Dig anywhere in Britain and human bones are likely to emerge. And I find that hugely comforting, that we've been here ("we" being "humans who like this place", as I'm an immigrant) for so long.

And on the "spirit" thing - if you live in an older house or flat, there's a very good chance at least one person has died in it. Doesn't even have to be that old - my purpose-built flat is fairly modern, as London flats go, and I know that someone died (peacefully) in my bedroom before I got here.

We're humans, living in close quarters. Past deaths are already around us at every turn.

ArcheryAnnie · 09/02/2017 10:32

Anyway, I'd allow it. Depending on how big the garden was, I'd ask for the scattering either to be buried (loose, so it would eventually decompose) or to be restricted to a wild bit of the garden. But I'd allow it.

LotsOfAxolotlsAndOcelots · 09/02/2017 10:33

I would say yes without hesitation. The downsides of this wouldn't bother me at all. I would see it as part of the history of my beloved house and not let it bother me in any way.

ColaCoaster · 09/02/2017 10:33

Must be an awkward situation to be put in. My sister's only request was her ashes be buried in a church yard with our mother's and it was a right load of red tape to get through to arrange that but I did it as it was all she wanted and meant a lot to her. So from that point of view I understand the man asking you and what it would mean to him/his late wife.
On the other hand it's true there are a lot of ashes (assuming he intends to put them all in the garden) so could make a great deal of mess for a while

WrongTrouser · 09/02/2017 10:36

But do Jewish people oppose other people being cremated?

I don't know. It was more of a hypothetical point about being able to respect other people's beliefs and values than about the specifics of what those beliefs are.

But I would hazard a guess that an Orthodox Jew might feel very uncomfortable with having someone's ashes scattered in their garden.

ColaCoaster · 09/02/2017 10:38

Everytime a bit of dust of dirt blows around I'm going to think its her for ages afterwards!

No you won't, most of it is the coffin anyway Smile

Thinkingblonde · 09/02/2017 10:49

I think I'd have to say yes but with restrictions.
1: I would request that a reasonably small amount be buried under a shrub or bush.
2: I would allow an hour for this, any shorter it would be rushed, anything longer than an hour is drawing it out and encroaching on your family life.
3: I might offer a cup of tea to the family but nothing more.

3luckystars · 09/02/2017 10:50

A 2 hour visit ALONE per month? she is stone mad!!

Well done to the op, that's sounds lovely.

Thinkingblonde · 09/02/2017 10:54

Eatspam
I think it's time to write a cease and desist letter to the widow, it is terribly sad for her but she is actually harassing you now.

LauraBora79 · 09/02/2017 10:58

Hmm, wouldn't mind personally so long as they don't keep coming back to pay respects.

ArcheryAnnie · 09/02/2017 11:00

Dottie just read your update. That sounds lovely.

sopsmum · 09/02/2017 11:06

Be nice. Be kind. It might be your husband asking this in 50 years. I would say yes without a moments thought.

Emmageddon · 09/02/2017 11:08

@Dottie39 your solution sounds perfect, so thoughtful. I think it makes your house even more a home, to be honest, knowing it was so loved by the previous family.

The last owner of the house I live in, passed away here, very suddenly and unexpectedly. It didn't stop me buying the place, and her daughter has since told me that her mum would be so pleased to know there are people living in the house who love it, and care for it, as much as she did.

Her ashes were scattered on the nearby beach, which is a short walk away, not in the garden, though.

sopsmum · 09/02/2017 11:11

Sorry op hadn't read the thread and have now read your update. You are being nice and kind. Well done. Xx

Eliza9917 · 09/02/2017 11:17
Smile
StarBurger · 09/02/2017 11:17

Nice one Dottie that sounds perfect. Good on you! Flowers

Original poster
Dottie39 · 09/02/2017 11:29

Just got off the phone to him. He is the sweetest man! They sold the house to give money to their children as one of them had got in financial straits. They had loved this house though. He is very happy with what I suggested, he will keep some ashes back and keep them with him and bury the rest in my garden.
His children are not local and he sounds desperately lonely. We spoke for ages and he said it was the most he had spoken to anyone since his wife passed. We both cried a little when he spoke about it.... So he is coming for lunch on Sunday, he needs some company and we both feel he will feel closer to his wife visiting here.
Hope I am doing the right thing, it feels right. The ceremony will be in a few weeks when all the children are available.

OP posts:
BoredProcrastinator · 09/02/2017 11:33

what a lovely outcome, it sounds as though you are both lovely people.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds · 09/02/2017 11:33

That's lovely to hear Dottie so pleased you could find a solution that worked for all of you.

TheSpottedZebra · 09/02/2017 11:43

Ahh, Dottie - that is so, so kind of you!

BoredProcrastinator · 09/02/2017 11:46

wrongtrousers a religious belief that they exported to someone else? The op in question has no such belief so I don't believe this is relevant to this case. Yes, I'd think it was morally inferior to put my religious beliefs onto someone else personally as they are my beliefs only. Sticky I can't see how it's kind to second guess a stranger's long term preferences and believe you know better than them when it comes to some ashes. Yes the op isn't responsible for the old man, it's kind to care about him though. Little to me the rudeness of making the request is outweighed by what it means to him, I doubt he'd have asked if it wasn't very important. We'll have to agree to disagree I guess! As for the 'what if it spirals into something uncomfortable' well, at that point I would make a different choice and say no.