Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
WrongTrouser · 09/02/2017 10:00

Chathamhouserules

www.everplans.com/articles/13-different-religious-perspectives-on-cremation

WrongTrouser · 09/02/2017 10:01

From the above link:

For Orthodox Jews, cremation is not acceptable and the body should be buried, intact, in the ground

jojo2916 · 09/02/2017 10:02

Of course allow it, how awful to say no to something that may help someone at a time like this, the house was special to them where they had their life together and most of us will be in the exact same boat ourselves some day

lapetitesiren · 09/02/2017 10:03

Have not rtft . What about timing it for when you are about to go on holiday. Then there is plenty of time for them to blow away before you come home.

QuimReaper · 09/02/2017 10:03

My family wanted to scatter ashes of GP in local park

Off-topic but it always trips me up when people use "GP" for "Grandparents" - I was wondering why your family got to scatter the doctor Grin

Original poster
Dottie39 · 09/02/2017 10:04

Wow! Lots of replies and interesting debates, thank you.
So the front of the house is completely paved so not really an option.

Here is what I plan to suggest:
I am happy to bury all or some of the ashes at the bottom of the garden. I don't want a bush or plant, as quite simply I wouldn't be able to cope with the guilt if we killed the bush, I'm not very good with plants and have laid garden to lawn for playing space. However, if they want a small 10x9 plaque with her name or whatever I will fix it on gate by where ashes are buried. There is rear access to garden so if he lets me know he can pop by on special occasions without bothering me.
I will go out during ceremony and they can have access to kitchen and toilet, are welcome to have snacks are relive time here, its not changed much. Will give them a few hours.

Last night I imagined growing old in this house, how much we love it. And for whatever reason having to leave. Then losing my husband... Will do what I can to help them. Going to call him soon with proposal.

Thanks for all your help.

OP posts:
StickyProblem · 09/02/2017 10:06

Kindness and refusal ARE compatible bored, because when people are in the early stages of grief their emotions are all over the place and doing exactly what they ask may not be the right thing in the long term. Not that the man's emotional state is the responsibility of the OP.

Allowing another family to focus their grief on your home could cause all sorts of issues in the future, as pps have explained, regular visits expected, further burials expected "how can you be so heartless as to deny my dad to lie next to my mum?" etc. What if they have a family fallout at the funeral and someone comes and tells you "don't let X near Mum's tree"? Saying No kindly now could avert all sorts of difficulties in the future for the grieving family. Everyone grieves differently - not everyone requires a place to go, and it's not imperative that a "dying wish" is carried out to the letter.

Also, like someone said upthread, I'm a plant killer so would never offer to put some ashes in a rose or tree or whatever, what if it dies? That would be incredibly sad to people who had focused the idea of their wife/mum on the plant.

I like the suggested message that says "not in our home", I think that makes the point well.

SparklyMagpie · 09/02/2017 10:06

That sounds lovely OP :) fingers crossed the call goes well and he's happy with the proposal. I can't imagine how grateful he'll be :)

SapphireStrange · 09/02/2017 10:07

OP, your proposal sounds immensely kind to him but also protects your family. A great solution all round!

user892 · 09/02/2017 10:07

I think that sounds perfect :)

StickyProblem · 09/02/2017 10:07

Sorry OP, cross post! I think you made a really kind decision.

jojo2916 · 09/02/2017 10:07

That's really lovely of you op

Sallystyle · 09/02/2017 10:08

They are not "imposing their will" though, are they? They are asking politely for a favour

Well they are really. I wouldn't ask because I know it would put the person in a horrible position. How easy is it for someone to say no to a grieving widower? Like proven on this thread, a lot of people would go ahead with it simply because they don't want to come across as mean or hurt the feelings of a grieving man and deny a dead woman of her last wishes.

He should have enough insight to realise that his request isn't just a simple request and that very few people would be able to say no. I wouldn't put anyone in that position because I am quite thoughtful towards others.

Of course he wants to follow his wife's wishes, however, he needs to realise that sometimes those wishes shouldn't be followed through when it impacts on another family. It's sad for him, I feel for him but I'm bloody sick of being the kind of person who says yes to everything because I don't want to be mean and I'm not going to suggest the OP does the same because her feelings matter.

She has been told that being kind is morally superior. Fuck that shit. It has done me no good.

MrsWhiteWash · 09/02/2017 10:10

Grin QuimReaper. I'm using a really awful keyboard so some letters are being missed or not registering - the spell checkers picking it up on words not abbreviations - so missed the 'D'.

In our case the park did eventually get a bench with Commemorative plaque on though that was a hugh saga in itself.

MakingMerry · 09/02/2017 10:11

I think it's a reminder to think about what we might want for our funerals, and have a discussion now with loved ones about the practicalities. There are few things worse than having to negotiate this in times of grief. My mum made choices for my Dad's funeral and internment which she was adamant she wanted at the time, but which she now regrets.

Of course, she didn't want to talk about funerals when he was ill, but the failure to broach the subject means she made some decisions which cause her ongoing distress.

MrsWhiteWash · 09/02/2017 10:12

Dottie39 - that sounds like a very well thought through plan and very kind of you.

wideboy26 · 09/02/2017 10:13

When you sell a house, you relinquish all claims to it. If there had been any foreknowledge of this request (which evidently there was not) some account might have been taken in agreeing the sale price, or alternatively the vendors might have sought to include a covenant allowing the scattering of their ashes on their deaths. I think OP has been put in an impossible position and I certainly wouldn't be happy with the request. I would at best agree to plant a special tree in memory of the man's wife or allow him to remove a shrub or bush that had special significance to him and his wife. My wife and I live in the house where we have raised 4 sons and spent 30 wonderful years, but when the time comes to sell up, we shall have to pass on the torch to the next owners.

BarbarianMum · 09/02/2017 10:13

I'm glad you found a solution you are happy with OP.

U2 if you have a good reason to say no to something, you say no. This reason can include being kind to yourself. Unlike you, I find kindness has no drawbacks - and if you include your own needs and wants in the equation, it costs virtually nothing.

Chathamhouserules · 09/02/2017 10:14

But do Jewish people oppose other people being cremated?
I think what you suggest is lovely op and he is lucky such a kind person lives in their old home.

TheMaddHugger · 09/02/2017 10:14

(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) OP. You are Lovely and kind. Blessings to you 🕊

Lapinlapin · 09/02/2017 10:16

Dottie you sound very kind and thoughtful.I'm glad you're willing to help them Flowers

Sallystyle · 09/02/2017 10:17

U2 if you have a good reason to say no to something, you say no. This reason can include being kind to yourself. Unlike you, I find kindness has no drawbacks - and if you include your own needs and wants in the equation, it costs virtually nothing.

It's just been a bad week, with someone taking massive advantage of my nature. I am actually genuinely kind. I'm just feeling bitter today. But anyway, I'm glad you have come to a decision you are happy with OP.

Rachel0Greep · 09/02/2017 10:18

Sounds very kind and practical OP.

My head was all over the place reading the thread. I genuinely don't know what I would have done, in this situation. I never thought of the fact that there could be quite a lot of ashes, for one thing - have no experience of anyone close to me being cremated.

icyfront · 09/02/2017 10:19

I would say no. You could find yourself in a very difficult situation in the future if they continued having that close connection emotionally to the woman's final resting place. If you agree to her remains being buried in your garden, you'd find it difficult to refuse them further access if they asked.

And I think you should do some research into the burial of human remains. There are laws/regulations involved in terms of disturbing human remains and I think those could involve cremation ashes.

EatSpamAmandaLamb · 09/02/2017 10:19

This isn't something I could do, I would find it very difficult to turn him down but I would have to for my sanity.

We are currently having a bit of a wrangle with the woman who used to own our house. Her husband passed away about a year after we had bought this place (we have lived here for 4 years now). He had lived here for 20 years and she had emigrated from South America about 6 years ago. He died suddenly in his early 50s leaving her a widow at 30 with two young girls. It is incredibly sad, however she wants to come over monthly to be in "their place" and to show her daughters where they lived.
Our house has changed significantly since they moved out (which they weren't happy about) we have rebuilt walls, relocated several rooms and ripped out their garden. She is being very bullish and despite me telling her I am unwell and I fear the changes we have made might upset her she keeps persisting in phoning every other week asking for "a reasonable 2 hour visit, alone, per month".
I have every sympathy for her and her terrible situation but I can't meet her needs right now or I fear, ever.