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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
Sallystyle · 09/02/2017 09:33

I would say yes. It's only dust.

It's not really only dust at all, is it? It's heavy, sand like. It's not dust.

BoredProcrastinator · 09/02/2017 09:34

well, surely being kind, especially when it costs you something to be kind, IS morally superior? Not everything is equally good, I don't think I'll understand the b camp - of course you can parameterize it with burying most of the ashes, limiting visits, mentioning they should keep some back so they don't over-visit etc. I can understand all that but I can't understand how a kind person can refuse totally and still consider themselves to be kind, kindness and refusal for this are not compatible. If the man doesn't really want to scatter the ashes, surely he wouldn't have asked?

WrongTrouser · 09/02/2017 09:40

busyboysmum

So there is a minority in each group who do not accept the other group's right to a different and equally valid opinion and take the debate to the lower level of personal insult

Yes, absolutely agree.

RayofFuckingSunshine · 09/02/2017 09:40

I would fee horribly guilty about it but would have to say no. I wouldn't want kids playing where ashes had been scattered but the big thing for me would be the returning visits.

I think getting in touch with them and using something similar to the example above would be the way to go.

Grewsap · 09/02/2017 09:41

I'd go so far as to say it's a really odd request and if true, then I am willing to bet this won't be the last of it. I'd be cross with him for putting us in that position.

MirandaWest · 09/02/2017 09:42

Are people who voted to remain in the referendum more or less likely to respond favourably here I wonder?

Grewsap · 09/02/2017 09:42

I Know that I am kind. Not kind to him at that very moment perhaps. But it is actually much kinder to encourage them to have a space where they can go freely to remember her, rather than relying on the grace and favour of another.

Grewsap · 09/02/2017 09:43

I voted remain. I'm definitely out on this one.

3luckystars · 09/02/2017 09:43

I've been thinking about this all morning, I'm imagining the last few years how much that old lady missed that house, I'm sad that she had to live her last few years, at a place she didn't like. To the point where its where she asked to be brought back there when she died! She must have really loved it. Wasn't she lucky to have 50 happy years there.

But it's not the same place anymore.

This thread really has me thinking about death, houses and most of all getting old. Deep!

Sallystyle · 09/02/2017 09:44

well, surely being kind, especially when it costs you something to be kind, IS morally superior?

Not always. I wouldn't be able to say no, so I would agree to it while worrying and feeling uncomfortable about it.

I don't think that is always a good thing. I have spent my life doing shit I don't want to do because people think I'm kind. It's not particularly kind to scatter someone's ashes in someone else's garden. It doesn't take a brain scientist to know that most people will be a bit uncomfortable with it. I would never ask that of someone.

He isn't being kind or thoughtful towards the OP so she is under no obligation to be kind to him at the expense of her own comfort.

Littlechip · 09/02/2017 09:45

I see it from the other side Bored, I think it's unkind to ask and put the family in that situation. It's imposing their will and preferences on that of the family who have a right to private enjoyment of their own home. If this is something that was always planned, they should have kept the house in their family.

Sallystyle · 09/02/2017 09:45

I wouldn't want kids playing where ashes had been scattered

Can I ask why?

RhubarbGin · 09/02/2017 09:46

I'm very familiar with death and grief - I lost two grandmas, both my parents, and a sister by the time I was 22. I still wouldn't allow the scattering or burial of ashes in the circumstances described. I'd happily offer for them to come and dig up, remove and keep a small bush or plant as a rememberance.

Grewsap · 09/02/2017 09:47

He isn't being kind or thoughtful towards the OP so she is under no obligation to be kind to him at the expense of her own comfort.

Exactly!

It's a typical female response to think you need to please a random stranger!

Chathamhouserules · 09/02/2017 09:47

Yes, I think this is just about kindness (with some practicality thrown in) and brexit was a complex political question - not about kindness. So you can't really compare the two. I think if you said yes to the ashes you would be morally superior because it is kind. But if you felt really strongly that you couldn't enjoy your own home (for what reason I don't know) with a previous inhabitant's ashes in the garden would you still be required to agree to avoid being morally inferior? I don't know.

diddl · 09/02/2017 09:47

If you want to say no then say no.

Don't be guilted into it.

Grewsap · 09/02/2017 09:47

My children would have hated having the bones of a random scattered at the bottom of the garden!

WrongTrouser · 09/02/2017 09:48

BoredProcrastinator

So what if someone had a religious belief that meant they felt unable to grant this request? Would they still be "morally inferior" ?

If not, why is a religious belief more "valid" than any other?

I have no religious beliefs as I am an atheist. But I believe my beliefs and values are equally as valid as anyone else's. Are they not, just because I'm an atheist?

WrongTrouser · 09/02/2017 09:50

He isn't being kind or thoughtful towards the OP so she is under no obligation to be kind to him at the expense of her own comfort

This is a very good point.

BarbarianMum · 09/02/2017 09:52

They are not "imposing their will" though, are they? They are asking politely for a favour. There is no opt out to being occasionally inconvenienced by people asking you to do things you don't want to do.

Chathamhouserules · 09/02/2017 09:53

I think the kind thing is to say yes but point out potential drawbacks and suggest alternatives but leave it up to them.
I see no reason not to be kind just because he is a stranger???

SparklyMagpie · 09/02/2017 09:55

I'm torn on this one,I'd want to say yes as I can't imagine how they all feel losing a wife/mother but at the same time I'd worry about and if they wanted to make frequent visits, I agree that I'd feel I was imposing

Have you made a decision OP? I feel for you with this

Chathamhouserules · 09/02/2017 09:56

What religious belief would prevent this? Unless you can suggest one then that argument doesn't work.
Maybe if they suffered from an extreme phobia of anything related to death or dying, then they wouldn't be morally inferior but that is an unlikely example.

SapphireStrange · 09/02/2017 09:56

He isn't being kind or thoughtful towards the OP so she is under no obligation to be kind to him at the expense of her own comfort

He's grieving and under no obligation to be kind to the OP.

I wouldn't want return 'pilgrimages' either if it were me, so I'd make that clear. But I couldn't refuse this wish. I don't think it 'just feeling slightly odd, like its not our home for a while' is a good enough excuse to refuse, TBH.

MrsWhiteWash · 09/02/2017 09:57

My family wanted to scatter ashes of GP in local park - we weren't allowed to. Ashes are toxic to plants and wildlife apparently. My Uncle was all for doing it anyway - but when he saw how much and what the ashes actually were,not what was expected, it didn't happen.

Family was at first bit upset but did all understand in the end.

I was surprised how my very unsentimental parents would for years afterwards drive an hour away to "happen past" GP old house - it wasn't a house they raised their family or where they died but one they had for many years - and my parents were always extremely upset by any changes they saw.

I would be concerned by such a request - and very reluctantly decline - saying it's my children play area so unsuitable that we may well make changes to area in the future and perhaps somewhere they could visit would be more appropriate.

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