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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

602 replies

Dottie39 · 08/02/2017 20:16

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 09/02/2017 05:32

My father died when I was 16. My world collapsed. I am well acquainted with death. However I would not allow this. Much as I would feel desperately sorry for this gentleman, his feelings do not get to trump mine. It is not about being heartless, it is about protecting me and my mental health.

Mouseclogs if you cannot understand how difficult some people would find having the bones of a dead stranger in their garden, they are better off not having you as a friend. Ironically yourpost shows a deep lack of compassion for others feelings.

malificent7 · 09/02/2017 06:19

That is tricky... id say yes but make it vlear grntly that frewuent visits arent appropriate.

Ashes are good for the soil though so there is a benefit. You could plant something beautiful as a gesture.

iwasagirlinavillage · 09/02/2017 06:43

How about if you let them do it by digging a hole, putting the ashes in and then planting a tree. After a few months dig up the tree and give it to him, then it would have grown from your soil and her ashes. At that point he has the "memorial" to take away somewhere so he wouldn't need to visit again. You can tell yourself that the ashes and her spirit (if you believe in that) went with the tree and he can tell himself that the ashes were scattered where she wanted. Win win.

3luckystars · 09/02/2017 06:47

This whole thread makes me really uncomfortable, I hate even thinking about that stuff.

If it was me I would buy a big planter thing and agree to let the family Bury the ashes in that, and plant a rose bush as suggested earlier. I would ask them to come back on the anniversary and take it away then. That's the best I could get my head around. Best of luck.

WrongTrouser · 09/02/2017 06:53

I'm interested in those who think that the fact this was someone's dying wish is important. So if my dying wish is that no-one ever vote Conservative again, and I manage to communicate this to strangers (perhaps by getting a friend to post on MN Grin), will you feel obliged to grant my dying wish?

pinkish · 09/02/2017 06:57

almost ring your local Cruse - the bereavement charity - as their volunteers go to people's housing and give bereavement counselling. There might be a waiting list but I hope you find some help.

TheoriginalLEM · 09/02/2017 07:01

Absolutely Wrongtrouser! in fact, you can make a sort of living will and really, i don't think there would be any alternative than to agree!Splendid last request Grin

In all seriousness though. What an awkward thing OP. I'd not be happy about it but im not sure I'd have the heart to say no

NorksAreMessy · 09/02/2017 07:04

It would be a definite yes from me.
Firstly and mainly because it is a kind thing to do. You will make somebody else happy, and that will make you feel happy.
But secondly because it would be a brilliant story to tell and be woven into the history of your house :)

emmyrose2000 · 09/02/2017 07:06

I wouldn't allow it. I feel sorry for the man in question, but this is no longer his family's home. It could open up all sorts of expectations - visits on the wife's birthday, Christmas, mother's day etc. That's not something I'd be willing or wanting to open myself up too.

lemondropcake · 09/02/2017 07:14

I mite be a cow here but I would say no. It's not his house anymore, it's yours. Your house to make your memories. Do you want to be reminded of someone who isn't part of your life every time you step out in to your garden or feel guilt if you ever want to change something in the garden?
Do you need them ringing up asking to visit or put flowers down or what ever every year? You shouldn't be in the posision.
there are loads of lovely places to scatter ashes and I'm sure they made lovely memories in other places too.
It almost feels like he thinks he is entitled to still visit because he lived there for so long.
I would just say I'm sorry it makes me and my family feel a little uncomfortable and I don't want to have visitors every anniversary be it the anniversary of her death or birthday, Xmas. And if he then dies, then his family are going to want to scatter his ashes there too.

Grewsap · 09/02/2017 07:20

I've thought about this and even more sure I would say a definite no. I'd nip it in the bud straight away. I must be heartless as I wouldn't feel at all guilty!

SuperFlyHigh · 09/02/2017 07:21

Sorry but I'd say no as lemondropcake says it isn't his house anymore (and hasn't been for 5 years), it is yours now with your own memories to create. I also agree it sets a precedent for visits by his family.

I agree with the other places where they shared memories being more appropriate.

When my nana (mum's mum died) she'd been out of her family home where she'd lived for 50 years and was in a private retirement home with a garden, in the end my mum and her sister decided to have a lovely tree planted in a local park close to my mum and near my nana's flat, the ashes are buried beneath the tree and it was something nana said she'd quite like, a tree, like that (but no specifying). All done above board too, council were asked and helped to plant tree and everyone can appreciate it!

SuperFlyHigh · 09/02/2017 07:25

You're not heartless at all Grewsap.

For those who'd allow it out of kindness would they really be happy with the possible follow up visits on various anniversaries/birthdays etc?!

nippey · 09/02/2017 07:30

I would honestly have no issue with this or any subsequent visits, a few short visits a year are a little inconvenience to me and of massive importance to him.

winefixeswhine · 09/02/2017 07:38

Let them scatter a handful in the garden then take the rest to bury somewhere else where they can visit.

LEELULUMPKIN · 09/02/2017 07:39

Wouldn't bother me in the least. I am planning on being buried in my own garden so it would be nice to have the company!

user1485102013 · 09/02/2017 07:39

It would be a no from me. He's put you in a really awkward position and in my opinion that's wrong. I'm sure after all those years together there is somewhere else he could scatter them.

Bigbongos123 · 09/02/2017 07:43

it would make me uncomfortable- and surely they'd want to visit her?! But I couldn't bring myself to say no. There's got to be a compromise her somewhere?!

Bluebellevergreen · 09/02/2017 07:43

I personally wouldnt because they will be coming to visit I asume and because you might want to do work in the garden in the future even sell the house and I would not buy a house with someone ashes in the garden.
Easy to refuse on religious grounds without being heartless

I would offer some ground instead they can take it and do it somewhere else

LEELULUMPKIN · 09/02/2017 07:49

Bluebellevergreen - you would never know that any ashes were in the garden, so you very well might buy or have bought a house with ashes already spread in them. For bodies it is different for obvious reasons, that has to be documented but not ashes.

Laiste · 09/02/2017 07:53

It would be a no to the whole ashes and ceremony in the back garden from me i'm afraid.

However - yes to a handful over the lawn or flowerbed. Front or back.

Definite no to a bush/tree/plaque/pot/monument or anything i'm going to start feeling guilty over moving, breaking or accidently killing.

SweetieBaby · 09/02/2017 07:54

How about suggesting that they bury the ashes in a large pot and then plant a rose on top? This could then stay in the garden but could be easily moved if needed.

Ylvamoon · 09/02/2017 07:57

Is it even legal?
Otherwise I agree with the "don't" argument- the thought of digging up "someone's granny" when you plant something or your children playing mud pies in "the area" would freak me out!!

schokolade · 09/02/2017 08:01

I'd let them. My grandparents' ashes were scattered in their garden. It was shortly before their house was sold, so I realise it's not the same. But still, it meant a lot to them and their children.

If you're wary about the old gentleman wanting to visit a lot, you could suggest to one of his DC that they hold on to the ashes until he's ready to join his wife, and the DC scatter them together? Awkward conversation though...

FozBoz · 09/02/2017 08:02

Scattering the ashes would get a no from me. So would planting any bushes.

I would allow access for the family to hold a ceremony and make tea/provide sandwiches. I would also allow visits in the future to reflect and remember his wife.

People have very different beliefs about death and I'm afraid the scattering ash and final resting place of someone's loved one in my garden would infringe my enjoyment of my home. I would try to accommadate the family in any way I could, but ultimately, the family's right to this request shouldn't trump your right to feel comfortable.