To feel weird about stranger wanting to put dead wife's ashes in my garden?

[Dottie39]

We bought our house 5 years ago. At viewing elderly couple told us they had lived here 50 years, since early 60s and had brought four children up here and they seemed like it was a slightly reluctant sale.
Anyway, fast forward to this morning when I get a call from the gentleman to inform me his wife passed away last month and on her deathbed had asked to be returned to our house. He asked if we would mind if he and the children had a little ceremony and scattered her ashes in the garden.

I feel like we can't refuse as so sad and obviously the house holds a lifetime of memories for them. But... I don't know, it just feels a little weird, I feel like we would be intruding in our own home to be here so would have to leave them here. AIBU to feel weird? I really want to refuse but it feels so heartless to do so!

Melj yours was the nicest post I've read today. I love that idea about your grandfather and all the wonderful memories.

When I moved in, my garden had an oddly placed very straggly rosebush. It got mowed over (probably accidentally) by the gardeners, which to be honest improved the look of the place. Then the neighbours looked over the fence and said "OMG, that was marking where they buried their beloved cat". Oops. I still feel bad, and that was years ago.

If you do agree, please do bear in mind what if you want/need to change that area of the garden.

Cool well it wasn't your cat was it! No need to feel bad.

It's depressing that some people think it's a big imposition to have an old man and his children round for an hour to scatter some ashes.

But it's not some ashes. It's potentially four pounds worth of human remains that will not biodegrade and may sit on the garden for a long time.

We are not talking about a bit of light ash that you might find at the bottom of a wood fire; these are human remains that may contain bone fragments and need to be interred or scattered in an appropriate and respectful place. I simply do not think that place is someone else's garden, and I am pretty astonished that other posters think this is a remotely reasonable request.

DevelopingDetritus

"I feel it is quite helpful to get more comfortable with death as one ages
I truly feel I am but this just doesn't sit well."

My comment about getting comfortable with death was about accepting the death of a loved one and in one sense preparing for our own demise. It was not to suggest that the OP do this thing that has been requested. I would actually feel quite uncomfortable with this because of the potential for them to come back and want to visit.

I do feel this may not necessarily be what the widowed husband would actually want.

nelipotter your comments are very unkind. This was the lady's request and she is no longer alive. Her husband has tried to fulfill her wishes, if he is not able to, then so be it. He may actually prefer to have her ashes elsewhere. Really the loss of a loved one is not all about what one does with a person's earthly remains.

But Trifleorbust What a ghastly thing to say! "I'm going to be honest: if I said no, I think I would wake up in the night in twenty years and actually despise myself. Not keen to do that, so I would say yes."

So your guilt at what you might think in 20 years time would make you do something you were not comfortable with now. How very sad!

I hope the OP will address this sensibly. I am sure they will.

This would really freak me out. I couldn't do it. I'd be imagining every draft, every shadow as an attempt from her trying to get in.

I don't watch horror movies anymore I get really badly affected by them!

You're being a handed an opportunity to do someone you don't know a huge kindness.

I feel for you OP - a difficult situation. I'm glad it's not me having to decide. I wonder if his children are happy with the idea ?

I know that when my Mum died we scattered her in my parents garden - that was what my Dad wanted although he didn't want to do it so me and my brother did it. I had no experience of scattering ashes and was surprised by how much there was and how difficult it was at the moment to do. I did feel that it was the right place but as the years have gone on I've spent lots of time back there as my Dad still lives there so it's been a comforting thing.

I think if it were me in your situation I would have to find some sort of way of suggesting they just scatter a "memory amount " and keep the rest that he either chooses to keep where he is or scatters there/ somewhere that he can visit easily if he so chooses.

You obviously have no idea about grief, and the ways in which we heal.

I'm very familiar with grief, and I am not sure I'd allow this. I would need more info before I decided. Human remains aren't ashes, they're burned and ground bone. They aren't just going to blow away. When my dad died, my mom visited his grave every week. Would this guy want to visit her every week? That would make me uncomfortable.

Dottie why don't you suggest that you bury a small portion of her ashes in your garden, but they they should scatter the rest in another place they could visit.

That way you are saying four things:

1. it's your garden now
2. you will oblige them, but only to bury a small box wherever you feel it won't be weird
3. they won't be able to bury her there themselves, or keep visiting every year as you children won't understand, and shouldn't be made to And 4) they must think of another place to honour the memory of their family member other than your garden, where they can visit whenever they wish.

This is a win win I think.

Great post under

Two pronged approach:

1. Ask him if he has considered whether it will be distressing for him in future years not to be able to visit her, as you would be happy for the odd visit, but you don't intend to be there forever and you obviously can't predict how next owner will feel.
2. If he still wants to proceed, you could ask that the ashes be buried, either in a little wooden truck, or that you dig a shallow bed, her ashes are scattered there and they fill it in before they leave. This stops the obvious difficulty of having a visible pile of human remains sitting about for a good bit.

Or maybe offer to let them bury a small locket of her ashes in a corner. You get little lockets designed to be worn as jewellery, they could be utilised for this.

Im sorry but I just wouldn't like this at all. I'd constantly feel like she was there and I wouldn't be able to relax out there. And would the husband and children want to come back on anniversaries, birthdays etc? I'm really sorry OP but I'd have to say no, in the nicest possible way

I don't think YABU, in my head id obvious think I couldn't turn it down as if look awful. On the other hand are they wanting to come and pay homage to her, leaving flowers etc.

Fair enough they 'owned' the house, but it's now yours, if they were to plant a rose bush or some other flower you agree on, bury the remains see push down, add soil and then plant whatever you choose.

Possibly suggest they do it on the front garden if you have one, that way you won't have extra guests who are mourning to entertain. Allow them if they agree to doing it on the front, to leave flowers, maybe a trinket or two if you life in an area where they won't be stolen.

This just popped into my head, I can't decide if it's creepy, but if she had favourite flowers, rather than leaving on the front, you could put them in your house. They could get a nice vase dedicated to her.

I hope I've been helpful.

I honestly don't think it unreasonable to refuse. I am from a culture that is very comfortable with the reality of death - open caskets in the person's home for days, being brought to funerals of close and distant connections from baby-hood, etc and I think I would still feel uncomfortable if I were you. It's like you and your family's five years of history in the house are being written off and made invisible. Their memories of their family home don't have any right to supersede yours. I also don't think someone's deathbed wish is something that must 100% be guaranteed - by asking, the gentleman has fulfilled his duty to his wife. The house has been sold for five years and by the sounds of it, the couple were at the youngest in their mid-seventies so at a time of life when they might reasonably be expected to give some thought to their funeral arrangements, including the fact that they no longer lived in your house. The wife would have known that if this was the first time she mentioned it, there was no way the husband could guarantee that it would happen, only that he would ask and see from there.

I can fully see why others would be happy to agree (although that is much easier to say in the abstract when it isn't really your garden) but I think it not at all unreasonable to decline. The bereavement is obviously very painful for their family but that doesn't create an obligation on you to override your own feelings. It's not a normal, usual, expected thing to do and the very fact they asked for permission shows they know this.

on a particularly sad note, whatever about the husband being likely to want to be buried or scattered next to his wife, you have to think about potential other family members also. It might be easy and a learning experience for your children to hear about the old couple who died after a long and happy life together in your house. However in my culture, if a child dies before the parents, tradition is for their remains to join the deceased grandparents - obvioualy this is highly unlikely and you wouldn't wish it on anyone but it is one of myriad possibilities that can't be discounted. I think if you do say yes, you would need to do so in the context of a very frank and uncomfortable discussion about any future implications of your garden being this woman's resting place.

I guess I am in the "heartless" minority. I would have to decline - wouldn't want my children playing in the garden near human remains (even if turned to ashes), neither would I like to keep getting requests from the family on visiting or burying other relatives. Yes, it was their house for ages and yes, it was a dying person's last wish..But it wasn't reasonable of them to ask and as PP said, this is now your home to make your memories. I'd just say "really sorry, but I don't feel comfortable" and leave it at that.

I'd find a way for it to happen then Id have the family in afterwards for a cuppa and walk down memory lane in the living room.

italiangreyhound apologies i've only just seen your post, my mum died in June 2010. I absolutely do need counselling and have actively been trying to get it for years, not just about my mums death but also for the severe OCD and depression i suffer from.
Unfortunately i'm almost completely housebound by my illness and they won't do at home or over the phone sessions. I was referred to go to sessions at a health centre about 3/4 of a mile away towards the end of last year but my ability to go out is completely governed by my OCD and it's 50-50 if im able to make the occasional doctors appointment etc. Unfortunately i had a VERY bad day and going out was absolutely impossible and so i missed the first appointment. Despite my attempts to apologise and explain it wasn't due to laziness, not being bothered etc but because of the very nature of the illness i was desperately reaching out to them for support for, they had no sympathy and terminated my referral.
I could try getting re referred but i'd run into the exact same roadblock, i can't guarantee i'll be able to make it to appointments (it's highly likely i wouldn't) and they can't offer any alternative to me physically going there.

I would say yes. It's only dust.

Would happily offer a rose tree to be buried under

I would say yes and offer to plant a tree where her ashes are, in my experience human ashes are a brilliant fertilizer so the tree will grow very well

BarbarianMum

Exactly what I was thinking, virtually verbatim.

I am coldly pragmatic and constantly wound up by what I consider to be excessive (probably not excessive) sentimentality in my partner, and I'm absolutely gobsmacked that people are saying that they'd say no for such unbelievably petty, tiny little reasons. Fifty odd years with a woman he probably loved desperately and this was (presumably) pretty much all she asked, and people are willing to effectively tell him to piss off and find somewhere else to put her because it's my garden now? Fuck me. Am agog.

I can't quite get over it. Some of my friends are objectively frankly tossers but I think I can say in complete earnest that if I found out an acquaintance of mine had said "sorry not comfortable with that" to anyone in this chap's position, I would more than likely re-evaluate their continued presence in my life.

Well said mouseclogs. Imagine how that poor man felt even asking for this. His wife's dying wish, an hour to leave some ashes in a garden where they raised their family. What harm will it do?

I'd be bothered about the ashes blowing around, also the fact that he'll want to come and visit her.

I don't know how I'd say no though.

I'd agree to them being buried but loose, not in a container.