Not to pay my teen for babysitting?

[MillionToOneChances]

I'm a single parent to 15 year old DD, 12 year old DS. If I go out when they're with me - which has been rare but I recently started a weekly evening activity - DD babysits DS for free. AIBU?

Not a TAAT but I noticed on the thread about large families that having to babysit was considered most unfair. I just see it as leaving both of them in their own home while I go out. They mostly sit in their bedrooms doing homework or on their devices.

I facilitate her paid babysitting work, dropping her off and collecting her (DS old enough to be left for 5 mins while I pop out), and I get a paid babysitter if she's offered a paid job that clashes. She doesn't ask for or expect any money, and I have asked her if she's ok with not being paid.

When they were little and needed a babysitter a friend came round. The same friend who would probably come round now if i needed a babysitter. I don't pay, and they're old enough to feel awkward having him there when it stops them watching their choice of TV and they don't need looking after.

I'd happily pay another teen babysitter if DD was out and friend unavailable (or if DS preferred), but same problem with having to be considerate. They'd far rather look after themselves.

When my 16 and 12 year olds are home alone they are just that. Nobody is being babysat, they are responsible for themselves.
If I leave the 6 and or 4 year old with either of them I see that as babysitting. I don't pay them for it though. It's just helping out, if we were going out for hours and they were required to cook dinner, do bath and bedtimes etc then I might consider paying.

I'd happily pay another teen babysitter if DD was out But you won't pay your DD for doing it for you?

barinatxe, it's not the youngest fault that they have to put up with the drawbacks never being the only child either. It's what is technically known as life.

Most parents are not in a position to compensate the younger child for never having experienced the benefits of being an only or the first child either. Though given how much time and attention my eldest has taken over the years, I sometimes feel I ought to pay ds for having put up with us. What do you think a reasonable rate might be?

The OP is not talking about slave labour, of the dd having to give up her social life or actually do something for her younger sibling: just of being in on a school night when she would have been in anyway. The OPs dd is not unhappy and does not see this as taking anything away from her. Presumably she is aware that she is benefitting from the general helpfulness of lots of people who did not make the decision to have her either, but who just have a generally helpful and positive attitude: extended family, friends, parents of friends, perhaps even her younger brother from time to time.

Like ds painting that façade for his grandparents. It's all part of a family set-up where we don't sit down and calculate every time someone asks us for a favour or we see a way in which we can help ("Oh, so auntie Rosie needs a hand with taking that old sofa to the tip- now did I decide to have auntie Rosie?").

It's morally wrong and I think you know you are taking advantage of your child in order to save yourself a couple of quid. What did you do when your eldest needed babysitting? Pay for a babysitter, maybe?

It really isn't morally wrong to leave the eldest child in charge of a 12 year old if it isn't inconveniencing her in any way. I didn't mind when I was a teenager and I'm sure that the vast majority of other teenagers wouldn't mind.

If I have any of my teen nieces/nephews at mine I will pay them to run to the shop if I've ran out of something or to give me a hand with something - Not because I have to, just because I can and I like to give them the odd £10 as a treat.

I recently "paid" my 18 year old niece £40 to paint my nails and put my hair in a French plait, it took all of 10 minutes and I could have done it myself but she had been talking about these shoes she was saving up for and I thought it would be nice to help her with the cost alongside getting a little bit of a pamper myself.

I don't think it's child abuse or conflicting with the concept of kindness to reward someone for doing something they aren't obliged to do.

OP I don't think you are unreasonable not to pay your daughter but I do think you could consider rewarding her with an unexpected treat every so often just to acknowledge that you appreciate the fact that she doesn't expect or demand.

But you won't pay your DD for doing it for you?

Well, I'd rather not. Because she's just sitting in her own room or the lounge in her own home doing exactly what she'd do if I was there. And her brother is doing the same. It would feel bad to pay either of them, like a bribe for me being allowed to go out. (Having said that, when she was looking after him for longer one time because I was going somewhere lovely, she batted her eyelashes at me and requested a pizza delivery to which I readily agreed).

He is too young to be home alone for 3 hours at night so if she weren't around I'd have to get someone else in and yes, pay them if it wasn't a friend. DD doesn't expect or want payment, but if I pushed it on her she'd accept because she's a teen and always has things she wants to buy. Then I'd have to cancel my evening activity because I can't justify the cost of it plus the cost of a babysitter every week. Or get my friend to come round, which the kids wouldn't like... I'm interested that some people see it as so black and white that I'm exploiting my daughter.

Emerald nice idea for the treat. I do treat her sometimes without reason (as well as giving her a generous amount of pocket money), but perhaps next time I'll mention how much I appreciate her help with this so that she knows I am grateful and links the two...

Though as I'm typing that I realise that I don't really want her to link the two. I don't want it to be a transaction, I want to buy her nice things sometimes just because and I want her to do me favours sometimes just because.

My parents used to leave me to babysit sibling. No asking, no please or thank you, if I had planned something else that was tough shit. I was just told I had to.
It's obviously coloured my view because I will never expect my eldest to babysit youngest without recompense. They're your children. You chose to have them. No one else is responsible for them except their parents.

At 12 my DC stayed home alone for 3 hours in the evening although most of the time the 15 year old would be at home. There would be no payment to stay in your own home, but then my DC didn't do paid babysitting or go out on school nights.

In fact my DC don't get paid for babysitting their cousins either. They only do it occasionally when there is no alternative, they are now 18/20 and I see it as quality time. Plus when they were little their aunts looked after them free for me.

As an aside neither of them need the cash even though they are both in full time education as the bank of Dad is quite generous and they do now have a contract to work in the holidays.

I think my approach comes from my background as I am 10 years older than my youngest sibling so I would often have been left home alone with him and never expected or received a penny, but I did have a nice house to live in with washing and meals in tap.

8 years difference between me and my baby brother, and I used to look after him up until I left for university.

I actually have fond memories of that time, mum had to work (single parent) or sometimes she would go out with friends but rarely we used to love curling up on the sofa with ice cream watching a film, I think it's part of why we are still very close despite the age gap.

I know how hard my mum worked for us, families have to pull together and my mum ran me around to my Saturday job etc much like you do for your daughter. I was also sometimes given a small gift just to say thank you for helping out, but never expected it.

I don't think its fair to expect her to babysit without pay, it seems stingy as you'd have to pay someone if she wasn't there. I do totally believe in children doing things like cleaning up after themselves, doing own ironing (when they are an appropriate age), doing dishes etc, as they are living in the household and making part of the household mess. They didn't choose for you to have another child though, so why should she be responsible for him just because you want a night out? Stump up the cash and get a babysitter, or offer the cash to your daughter.

I didn't get paid for babysitting any children if they came to our house (siblings, cousins parent's friends children) and I didn't have a problem with that as I wasn't being inconvenienced. I knew that if I wanted to go out, my parents would not go out themselves or make alternative arrangements.

morally wrong and taking advantage of your child good grief mumsnet really is a parallel universe.

It's quite normal for older siblings to babysit their younger sisters and brothers on occasion.

Ffs as teenagers they usually get lots in the way of lifts and money so that's all fine.

I would have been beyond shocked and quite sad at my crap parenting if my lads had demanded cash to look after the toddler girls for the small amounts of time we did. We wouldn't have clashed with party plans or events. It's give take and support in our family.

As for who babysat the older child a paid babysitter? er no granny or inlaws did it as you know families do to help and support each other.

Totally bizarre that people think it unreasonable to not pay teenagers for babysitting in their own home at no inconvenience but at the same time think they should do other chores. What do you think teenagers would prefer to do?

I do not think you need to pay her money buy she is doing you a favour so maybe you do one back for her

Harsh trust me when you have teenagers you are constantly stumping up the cash for lifts/cinema/meals/clothes etc.

I just can't on any level see it's needed to pay a teenager to babysit their siblings occasionally.

Will these snowflakes expect payment for looking after you in your old age? Don't you teach your kids family values and that families support and care for each other and money doesn't come into everything. How sad.

He is 12!
They are both responsible surely.
It's called being in a family!!!

Families naturally do favours for each other don't they? Do some people keep a tally then.

YANBU, families work together

YANBU. Couple of hours on a school night? For a 12 year old? I wouldn't pay either.

*Today 18:53 honeylulu

My parents used to leave me to babysit sibling. No asking, no please or thank you, if I had planned something else that was tough shit. I was just told I had to. *

And you don't see any pertinent differences between that and my situation?

Well exactly some posters seem unable to differentiate between a teenager being told to baby sit a sibling night after night and having to cancel their own plans as opposed to the op getting her teen to look after a 12 year old once a week for an evening she would be in anyway.

Jeez.