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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to pay my teen for babysitting?

131 replies

MillionToOneChances · 07/02/2017 10:01

I'm a single parent to 15 year old DD, 12 year old DS. If I go out when they're with me - which has been rare but I recently started a weekly evening activity - DD babysits DS for free. AIBU?

Not a TAAT but I noticed on the thread about large families that having to babysit was considered most unfair. I just see it as leaving both of them in their own home while I go out. They mostly sit in their bedrooms doing homework or on their devices.

I facilitate her paid babysitting work, dropping her off and collecting her (DS old enough to be left for 5 mins while I pop out), and I get a paid babysitter if she's offered a paid job that clashes. She doesn't ask for or expect any money, and I have asked her if she's ok with not being paid.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 07/02/2017 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lalalalyra · 07/02/2017 12:10

It depends on the circumstance here. I wouldn't pay them for an hours babysitting here and there weekly. I have paid the 17yo to babysit the 8yo and 3yo for an evening out as he would normally be babysitting on a Friday night somewhere. I would pay him to babysit a 12/13yo - that's not babysitting that's any work.

RubyWinterstorm · 07/02/2017 12:13

Haha, my 12 yr old is more sensible than my 14 yr old.

When I leave them on their own, they are each babysitting themselves Wink

Or possibly it's the dog who is in charge when I am out Grin

Clawdy · 07/02/2017 12:14

YANBU. My teenage sons could be awkward as hell, but they would never ever have expected payment for babysitting their sister, it was just part of life.

tovelitime · 07/02/2017 12:17

Of course not. I don't expect my teen to change his arrangements but if he's home he can be in charge and I'm certainly not paying him to sit in his bedroom with his laptop and the door open rather than closed. His siblings will be in bed and it's highly unlikely he'll have to deal with anything more strenuous than helping himself to another biscuit.

MiddleClassProblem · 07/02/2017 13:06

OP, is this a school night? If so why would a 15 year old need to be out socially? I was a pretty social teen but on a school night at 15 I had shit loads of GCSE homework/revision so would just be doing that so having to "babysit" a 12 year old wouldn't be anything different to me staying at home alone.

Original poster
MillionToOneChances · 07/02/2017 14:03

7 I think you might be projecting a bit? She's not forced to be there - if she needs to be out I pay a babysitter. She's never out in the evenings unless babysitting herself - occasionally friends come round after school and I drop them home on my way out.

She's not babysitting DS - he puts himself to bed, sorts his own homework etc. I get back just as she's going to bed.

I'm reassured that there are lots of other families who just regard keeping an eye out for siblings and doing chores without payment (like I do my chores without payment!) as a normal part of family life. Perhaps it's more emotive in big families.

OP posts:
Original poster
MillionToOneChances · 07/02/2017 14:05

And yes, I know I called it babysitting in the OP. Technically it is but her only task is to be in the house which she would be anyway.

OP posts:
turbohamster · 07/02/2017 14:41

In my mind, if it's not something that younger siblings will ever have to do it's not quite the same as a household chores like putting dishes away etc.

Of course if it's recognized as a household chore and means they do less washing up or some other job then that's fine as 'payment'

turbohamster · 07/02/2017 14:42

In my mind, if it's not something that younger siblings will ever have to do it's not quite the same as a household chores like putting dishes away etc.

Of course if it's recognized as a household chore and means they do less washing up or some other job then that's fine as 'payment'

Original poster
MillionToOneChances · 07/02/2017 14:44

My DS has to stay in the house with his sister, if that counts?

OP posts:
Original poster
MillionToOneChances · 07/02/2017 14:46

Oh god, I sound like I'm refusing to be told AIBU now. Just seems like this one splits the vote and I'm glad I'm in a family where it's just one of those things you do for your family.

OP posts:
Original poster
MillionToOneChances · 07/02/2017 14:47

And Toveltime, I assume my DD's door stays firmly shut!

OP posts:
SparklyUnicornPoo · 07/02/2017 15:18

I say this as the oldest of a large family who was often thoroughly fed up of babysitting as a teenager. YANBU, realistically your 15yr old is not actually having to do much as I'm assuming your 12 year old is perfectly capable of getting themself a snack/drink and doesn't go 'im bored' every 5 minutes.

Babysitting little children is hard work (actually sometimes more work than looking after my own DC) so then I think you'd need to give them some sort of payment, or like in my case where I have 5 younger siblings who even now they are teenagers fight constantly and are hard work but not for watching 1 12 year old for a few hours.

I don't think it necessarily needs to be money either though, like when i was 15/16 my reward for babysitting was Dad ferrying me and my friends round each weekend, these days it's my parents will babysit my DC when I need them to (my youngest siblings are 12 and 13)

Littleballerina · 07/02/2017 15:24

My dd looks after her younger siblings and in return I pay for her mobile contract as it is a regular thing because of my work.
I feel that if she wasn't there/ wouldn't do it I would have to pay someone else anyway. For £25 a month I get a good deal!

corythatwas · 07/02/2017 16:11

turbohamster Tue 07-Feb-17 14:42:25
"In my mind, if it's not something that younger siblings will ever have to do it's not quite the same as a household chores like putting dishes away etc."

Older siblings have other advantages such as not having wear hand-me-downs, more parental attention, more money in the pot, probably better Christmas presents from extended family, more shiny new toys. Ime it usually evens out.

In the present instance, we are talking of two children who are both old enough to keep an eye on each other. Neither of them needs to actually do anything for the other, they just need to be there. If anything happened to the dd, the ds could equally take care of her and call an ambulance if necessary.

KP86 · 07/02/2017 16:17

If DD didn't have other plans and doesn't mind, then YANBU. If she did, and you made her cancel them (which you say you don't), then YWDBVU.

In your situation I would be happy to help out and watch my younger sibling one night a week, especially at that age. It it had been Saturday night or when I had another invitation, then I def agree with the others who say your child, your responsibility.

I don't pay my extended family if they do me a favour and look after DS for a night. They are doing me a favour and I'll give them £ for takeaway or a bottle of wine but there's no money changing hands.

EdmundCleverClogs · 07/02/2017 16:38

There's a difference between being in the same house as a sibling (that is, one sibling doesn't have to be fully responsible for the other), and babysitting much younger siblings. If you didn't have the older sibling, you'd pay a babysitter- so why does an older sibling have to oblige to do it 'because it's family'? It's a big responsibility, more so than chores such as washing dishes or putting away clothes.

I always expected something beyond gratitude when I looked after younger siblings. I love them but I didn't choose to have them, quite frankly younger siblings are quite irritating to look after when the parents are out. There might as well be an incentive to look after them.

corythatwas · 07/02/2017 16:47

Some older children find younger siblings irritating and find it a big responsibility to look after them: others find it much less stressful than housework.

I loved looking after my younger brother; otoh I would have wanted paying for doing the dusting. I could see why keeping him safe was of benefit to me, but had no interest whatsoever in the house looking nice and tidy; that seemed to be entirely for my mum's benefit. She cared, I didn't.

Roomster101 · 07/02/2017 16:57

I think it is fine if she would be in any way and your DS doesn't require close supervision as you are not inconveniencing her. I used to "babysit" for my brothers at a similar age and I wasn't really aware of it. Nobody asked or paid...

pineapplesplit · 07/02/2017 17:01

YANBU because you 'pay her' by buying her clothes and food etc etc. If it was constantly rather than just once a week id think YWBU but as its just once a week for a couple of hours and its a 12 year old shes looking after i think its okay. She seems fine with it herself so what is the prob?

StarryIllusion · 07/02/2017 17:42

If she was looking after a 2 year old I might give her a little something for the trouble but he is 12. He doesn't need babysitting. Some kids that age ARE the babysitter. All she is having to do is be present.

Waterfeature · 07/02/2017 17:45

YADNBU.

I wouldn't dream of paying my older DC to babysit the younger ones. It's a rare thing anyway, and just part of the give and take of family life.

If teenagers can't learn about helping people for nothing, it's a bit sad.

I wouldn't expect them to change their plans in order to babysit for me, though, obvs.

Original poster
MillionToOneChances · 07/02/2017 17:56

She seems fine with it herself so what is the prob?

There isn't a problem, I was just a bit taken aback at the 'it's taking advantage' vibe on the other thread and wanted to check myself.

I asked her when she got home and she looked at me like I'd grown another head and said if I really want to give her money I can, but it's not at all necessary and she doesn't have to babysit him like she does for her paying clients anyway: "I don't actually do anything". I said I'd feel like I had to give him money if I gave her money and we agreed that the whole thing is a bit silly and she's fine as it is.

OP posts:
barinatxe · 07/02/2017 18:05

It's not the elder child's fault they have a younger sibling. It is unreasonable to expect them to carry out the duty of babysitting without appropriate recompense. It's not a matter of them being obliged to do it because of all the things you (supposedly) do for them. You are their mother, you are responsible for them - it's your duty.

It's also a matter of fairness. Why does your eldest have to babysit, when your youngest won't (because obviously there won't be a younger sibling)? It's morally wrong and I think you know you are taking advantage of your child in order to save yourself a couple of quid. What did you do when your eldest needed babysitting? Pay for a babysitter, maybe?