Not to pay my teen for babysitting?

[MillionToOneChances]

I'm a single parent to 15 year old DD, 12 year old DS. If I go out when they're with me - which has been rare but I recently started a weekly evening activity - DD babysits DS for free. AIBU?

Not a TAAT but I noticed on the thread about large families that having to babysit was considered most unfair. I just see it as leaving both of them in their own home while I go out. They mostly sit in their bedrooms doing homework or on their devices.

I facilitate her paid babysitting work, dropping her off and collecting her (DS old enough to be left for 5 mins while I pop out), and I get a paid babysitter if she's offered a paid job that clashes. She doesn't ask for or expect any money, and I have asked her if she's ok with not being paid.

We don't pay our teenagers to babysit the younger ones. If they are happy to ask for lifts or want us to host mass sleepovers or pick them up late at night, then I am happy to ask them to be in charge when we are out.

Their responsibilities are pretty minimal - make sure teeth are cleaned and the light goes out on time, call us if there is an emergency. I am really not gong to pay them to sit doing what they would normally do, just with an ear out - and to be fair, they have never asked.

However, I wouldn't ask them to change their plans to do it, and they do get first dibs on the TV or first choice of film. If it's a long daytime babysit I always buy lots of their favourite foods as a treat. And they seem to enjoy it - they are always telling us to go out and leave them in charge. Perhaps I should be more suspicious.

7sunshine, my teen children have probably a couple of hours every week where they are expected to do ordinary household chores. Surely that is a pretty normal thing?

And no, they can't do it when they feel like it: it has to be done when that meal is needed or the dishes are dirty or the laundry is ready to be sorted. I'm a reasonable person: if they have something special on, then I will help them out or let them switch chores- but so will the OP, she said so.

That is normal preparation for adult life, knowing that your time is not necessarily your own, at least not without planning.

Of course the family could function if the OP did not do her weekly evening activity: she'd just have to give it up. But then again, that applies to most chores, doesn't it? I could do all the washing and cooking and tidying up in this house while my almost-adult dc didn't stir a finger- but why should I? They live here too, they contribute. Normal family life.

And in return, if dh and I can lend a helping hand we are happy to go over and above our duties as parents.

7 " hours out of their time" teenagers should not be raised with the belief that every hour spent out of school is theirs to do as they please. That teaches them nothing about the real world.

She isn't babysitting though, she is just at home, with her brother.
I often leave DDs 14&10 home alone.. I certainly wouldn't be paying the 14yr old just for being at home.

Hairspray There is a different dynamic when there is someone there you have to keep an eye on though.

I do have direct experience, from year 7 when starting highschool I had to pick up younger siblings from school, be home, cook our dinner and look after them for about 4 hours until my (single) mother came home from work. Her circumstances changed from having us but since I was the oldest living at home it became my job to look after the younger ones because ''that's what big families do''. It made me resent her. Years later she realised how unfair it was to put that burden on me and how she should have arranged childcare.

It seems the OP is going out for 3 hours to do her activity in the evening, its fine if the teen agrees and the mum pays but the OP needs to understand its unfair to force her to do this and the teen should be able to have an ''out'' of the situation. I'm so shocked by all the people who think making older siblings care for younger siblings is the norm or akin to chores.

I just want to say that I believe all teens should do chores (its one of the most important things you can do for them) and their free time should be spent studying etc and that if the teen agrees and you're not forcing them etc that the childcare if fair - however saying that looking after their siblings is akin to chores and they have to do it as its part of being a family is completely unfair.

7SunshineSeven7: That was childcare, not babysitting. Totally different!

Yes of course you should pay her. As long as she pays for you anything you do for her, like giving her lifts, washing and cooking for her.

Trifle I'm pretty sure it was and at 12 years old it was a nightmare for me. I'm just making the point that the teen needs to be able to say no and have the mother respect that.

7SunshineSeven7 Tue 07-Feb-17 11:32:29
"Hairspray There is a different dynamic when there is someone there you have to keep an eye on though."

Have you missed the bit where the younger child, the one who the elder is expected to keep an eye on, is actually the same age as you were when you picked up younger siblings? They don't need minding or looking after or having their meals cooked for them: the OP simply prefers it if there is an older person in the house.

It's got nothing to do with your situation!

I did something far more akin to what the OP was describing, and I didn't resent it one tiny little bit: it was a lot less work than doing the washing-up or almost anything else they could reasonably have asked me to do.

YADNBU. It is part and parcel of family life, teenagers don't get to have unlimited free time while you do everything. This 'your kid your responsibility' thing is weird - sometimes at work I help with things that are not actually my job, because I'm not going to sit there and watch team members struggling if I have time and capacity to help. Surely this is even more true in a family.

You don't have to pay your child to help make your home and family function smoothly. It's part of being a team and living together.

Yanbu. You are asking her to keep an eye on her younger sibling why you go out for a couple of hours to do a course. You said yourself you get a a paid sitter if she has to go out or has other plans so it is not like she is tied to this commitment. I am sure you do enough for her and will continue to do so to pay back the favour in bucket loads.

And where is the point with remembering what a nightmare it was at 12?The OPs teen is 17. She is expected to deal with all sorts of situation that would be a nightmare for a 12yo. Including, in a very short time, earning her own living.

I think it depends what she would otherwise be doing. If she's just staying in and doing her homework, which she needs to do sometime anyway, then fine. If you are insisting that she stays in a lot of the time that she would rather be out doing something else (something that you would otherwise be fine with her doing) then you're eating into her personal time in a different way.

If she's fine with it, it probably just means she needs some night as quiet time at home, looking after the sibling doesn't interfere with her getting on with her stuff, and she doesn't mind it being those nights.

It depends whether she is babysitting or just home at the same time - does she have to feed DS or help him with homework?

A 12 year old is old enough to be left home alone, so it isn't babysitting unless she has to cook his tea and make sure he goes to bed/ has a shower / does his homework on time. Do you hold her responsible for him or is he responsible for himself?

If the 12 yo had SN or the 15 yo was looking after a 5 year old then it would be babysitting and yes I think it should be paid in that case.

I had a very similar set up as you did as a young teen 7 but with two working parents.

Never had a problem and I like my younger siblings still now.

I feel like you are looking for a reason to be angry, it didn't make me resent my parents in fact it made me respect how hard they worked for us. Families are about give and take and 3 hours a week isn't much to give.

corythatwas I understand that, yes. But the OP has said the younger sibling is not old enough to leave on his own for that length of time so clearly the older child is needed and therefore babysitting. I probably feel stronger because of my childhood and the way I had to look after my own siblings - I just get a bit irate about older siblings being relied on, as you can probably understand from my situation.

I do think washing up, washing, cleaning and those sort of household chores should be done though (I also had to do these as did my siblings) and its reasonable to ask for them to be done as the teen is creating part of this workload.

And it is the same as chores, and like someone said up thread "babysitting" a 12 year old is a lot less work than hoovering, washing up or ironing.

Hairspray Really? I'm one of 6 so there were a lot for me to look after, as well as cooking, cleaning and things so it was really difficult for me to handle until my mum came home from work at 7pm.

So many posts here showing why many young people have no sense of social or community responsibility. Helping keep the house tidy and looking after younger siblings is part of family life - I don't mean doing these things all the time in lieu of the adults doing them, but sharing responsibility.

I understand that you are angry about your childhood, 7, and it seems with good reason.

But that does not mean that other people will necessarily associate child-minding with being taken advantage of any more than anything else you might be asked to do. That association, I think, is specific to your experience.

For most of us, we would like to live in an atmosphere where anyone old enough to do so jumps in and lends a hand with a job that is needed without feeling the need to carefully calculate whether this is a job that is directly beneficial to them or not. My 16yo spent part of last summer up on a scaffold painting his grandparents' house. He knows he is not taken advantage of and that they do lots of things for him that they absolutely did not have to do. Reciprocity. He's not too young for it at 16.

One of three, plus two cousins I used to pick up from school at the same time every day as well from when I started secondary. Eldest was 9 youngest was in reception, middle two in yr2.

Walked home, watched them, made dinner, got my homework done, put a wash on and spruced the living room.

Mum and dad came home at half 6ish and my aunt would pick her sons up at a similar time. It was no big deal and just how we lived.

So yes very similar, except I don't seem to think it was the worst thing ever and was happy to help my family.

I suppose it depends on the kids but at those ages they are simply staying at home. No one is babysitting in this scenario. If teen decided she wanted to be out then 12 year old would be fine. I'm assuming you're talking about being out for an evening class or similar rather than out on the lash till 2am?

Adults moaning about being resentful of having to mind younger siblings sound childish and petulant (with the exception of those having to do a large amount of it). Families work together. My older ones look after the little one, they do chores,and are happy to do so, they love each other, we all work together to be a functioning family.
If they told me as adults they resented it I'd tell them to give their heads a wobble!

Hairspray Well then we see it very differently, for me it was stressful and didn't help my anxiety.

Narky I don't know if that was for me but I think being made to look after that many kids, 4 hours a day, 5 days a week, at the age of 12 and onwards means I am allowed to resent that part of my childhood.

Leaving this thread now as its just bringing up bad memories for me. Hope you sort it out and take on board everyones comments OP.

I said with that exception, clearly.