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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to pay my teen for babysitting?

131 replies

MillionToOneChances · 07/02/2017 10:01

I'm a single parent to 15 year old DD, 12 year old DS. If I go out when they're with me - which has been rare but I recently started a weekly evening activity - DD babysits DS for free. AIBU?

Not a TAAT but I noticed on the thread about large families that having to babysit was considered most unfair. I just see it as leaving both of them in their own home while I go out. They mostly sit in their bedrooms doing homework or on their devices.

I facilitate her paid babysitting work, dropping her off and collecting her (DS old enough to be left for 5 mins while I pop out), and I get a paid babysitter if she's offered a paid job that clashes. She doesn't ask for or expect any money, and I have asked her if she's ok with not being paid.

OP posts:
BoboChic · 07/02/2017 10:31

I expect the DC to help out at home in minor ways that don't prevent them from doing what they need to do. No payment is offered or expected.

Petalbird · 07/02/2017 10:32

How long are you out for that a 12year old needs a babysitter???

Bloopbleep · 07/02/2017 10:33

My mum nand her family never paid in cash but her relatives would buy in crisps and sweets. My dad always insisted on paying me the going rate as he felt it wasn't fair me spending my night looking after my brothers and he bought in junk food too.

BoboChic · 07/02/2017 10:34

My DD is 12 and I have no memory of the last time I employed a babysitter. She can stay at home alone, just as she can take the bus or metro or plane and go away to camp for several weeks.

CesareBorgiasUnicornMask · 07/02/2017 10:34

I'm 3 years older than my sister and we were left together before my parents would have left DSis on her own. So I was technically 'babysitting' but would have thought it was weird to be offered money. The only time my parents did 'pay' me was when they were stuck one night and I cancelled plans with friends so I could stay at home with DSis, and Mum bunged me as tenner afterwards to day thanks. I wouldn't have expected that though - just part of the give and take of family life.

In my head 'can you stay in between 7 and 9 tonight and don't let your brother burn the house down?' is in the same category as 'it's your turn to walk the dog/ stick on a washing load/ make some dinner.' All just parts of keeping a family functioning and should be done without recompense or complaint unless there's a good reason not to.

MirandaWest · 07/02/2017 10:34

A 12 year old shouldn't need babysitting. If I go out for a bit and my 13 and 11 year olds stay at home no one needs babysitting. They just look after themselves (I'm sure if something happened that they'd work together but I wouldn't get a babysitter to be there).

HairsprayBabe · 07/02/2017 10:35

I am the eldest in a average sized family, and a larger extended family. I babysat siblings and cousins for no immediate cash reward and I never minded. From about 14-18.

I got other things though, e.g. babysat my cousins, my aunt did my hair for free. With my own siblings it was just life, used to pick my bro up from primary school on my way home after college, not a burden just playing a role in my family. I get on really well with both my siblings now and I am glad that my parents trusted me to be responsible.

I really hate this view of only helping out in a family if you get something from it, it is so wrong IMO.

Sgtmajormummy · 07/02/2017 10:37

I make a distinction between being in the house together (unpaid) and actually earning money by supervising piano practice or doing a homework project with DC2.
On that case I pay for skilled labourSmile to replace my own and the rate is £10 an hour.

amidawish · 07/02/2017 10:38

in your instance i wouldn't pay. as you say you are just leaving them at home, she doesn't have to "do" anything.

i would pay if she was 16 and you had little ones - especially if it was a weekend and she would normally, or wanted to, be out.

my mum often told me i couldn't go out as i was babysitting. it pissed me off. of course she didn't offer or think to pay me, the £ wasn't really the point, i wanted to go out!

FV45 · 07/02/2017 10:38

I have a 7 and 17 yo. The older one minds the little one a fair bit, but it's usually when 7yo is in bed or early morning at the w/e when 7yo can just watch telly or something.

If I want the older one to give little one dinner and put him to bed etc then I will give him a bit of money. Nothing formal, I'll just add a bit extra when he wants to go out or something. There are lots of things I couldn't do w/o his help so I am grateful.

Sgtmajormummy · 07/02/2017 10:39

BTW this has been from the ages of 16 and 8 respectively.

myfavouritecolourispurple · 07/02/2017 10:42

If your younger child was say 8, I absolutely think you should pay your teen for babysitting.

Their sibling was your choice and is your responsibility.

But a 12 year old doesn't need a babysitter - just someone around who's a bit older and a bit wiser. So in your particular case I'd say YANBU because they don't actually have to do anything other than stay indoors.

7SunshineSeven7 · 07/02/2017 10:43

Yes but if the teen is being expected to watch the younger sibling every week as stated in the OP (not sure of the length of time) and the OP thinks the sibling is ''near enough'' old enough to leave on their own (read as - not yet old enough) then it is unfair, it is not occasional, its a weekly thing. What time is the hobby? Is it meaning the teenage sibling is not able to go out at a time they usually would?

7SunshineSeven7 · 07/02/2017 10:47

All just parts of keeping a family functioning If you can't have another child without the older one there to look after it then you shouldn't have the second child. Looking after a younger sibling is not the same as doing the washing etc, if the family can't function without relying on one of your children then its not functioning.

AndNowItsSeven · 07/02/2017 10:47

7 the teen doesn't need to go out every night. Your thinking is odd.

7SunshineSeven7 · 07/02/2017 10:48

I'm not saying the teen has to go out every night. I'm saying its unfair to keep a teen in to look after a child that isn't their responsibility.

HairsprayBabe · 07/02/2017 10:57

7 If you can't have another child without the older one there to look after it then you shouldn't have the second child.

What a silly thing to say. I imagine the OP's circumstances have changed in the 12 years since her second child was born. Should she just give her second child back until he is ok on his own?
I think a few hours a week watching a younger sibling is nothing in the grand scheme of things.

We evolved to function as family units in this way, there is nothing wrong with what you are doing OP.

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 07/02/2017 10:59

I dont think you are being unreasonable

7SunshineSeven7 · 07/02/2017 11:00

If circumstances have changed and she cannot leave her child on her own she either needs to pay for a proper babysitter or ask her older child if she is okay to look after the younger sibling and if she is, also pay her. However because its a weekly thing its unfair to put that expectation on her older child.

It may be nothing to you but to the teenager it is hours every week out of their time when they are forced to look after a younger sibling when they could be doing something else, just so their parent can do something that she wants to do. That isn't fair. Like I said, if the teen agrees and is paid then its fine but the teen needs to be able to say ''not this week'' or ''I don't want to do this anymore'' and that be taken on board.

HairsprayBabe · 07/02/2017 11:03

Hmm ok 7

Just remember that not everyone will have the same resources as you, and most families do actually want to help each other out.

7SunshineSeven7 · 07/02/2017 11:05

HairsprayBabe I think you'll find I said that its fine if the teenager agrees Hmm

RB68 · 07/02/2017 11:05

I was eldest of 6 and babysitting was a nightmare till I was much older say 19 as it was like herding cats. I actually asked M&D not to leave me even though was old enough at 14 and didn't do anything much at home till 18 partly as last brother was born when I was 16 and he was too young to be left with me and others for any length of time really. I did babysit others from 14 but usually only 2 kids and generally 4 and up.

I think you have to agree what is reasonable between you if you enable other babysitting and walking home (which I agree with) then some return for you is due so maybe 2 hrs a week, then if she also has allowance add some return chores and babysitting or minding, and so on. As long as you both agree it doesn't matter what others think

teenagetantrums · 07/02/2017 11:05

Mine are two years apart when my ds was14 he stayed in 3nofhts night a week with his sister while l worked. She didn't need a babysitter but just someone who was more sensible than her in the house. I didn't pay him as such but often gave him a bit extra if he wanted to go to cinema or something with his friends. If it had just ben my ds at 12 l would have been happy leaving him alone but they were very different

MTB1003 · 07/02/2017 11:08

and the whole thing just doesn't feel like the family 'you help me and I help you because we love each other' atmosphere I value.

Same values here op! Yanbu, you don't need to pay each other for helping out.

HairsprayBabe · 07/02/2017 11:08

Most teens will, few hours sans parents with wifi tv and snacks, once a week. What's not to love?

My DB is 18 my SIL turned 17 last week, and my younger cousins are 14 -17 also. None of them would give two hoots about this set up.

Do you have direct experience of this or are you just outraged for the teen for no reason?