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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu not wanting to see inlaws before my operation

116 replies

mummylove2monsters · 06/02/2017 23:55

Long story as short as I can make it :
I have never got on with my sil or mil
( although I always make the effort with mil for husbands sake and grin and bare it ) .
As for my sil I have had 15 years of drunken abusive phone calls - we are totally different. No love lost atall .
Anyway I had a brain haemorrhage almost a year ago while I was pregnant - baby born safely and is now 8 1/2 months old . I had a scan before Christmas which found an aneurism- they tried to operate but an artery collapsed and they woke me up to say it couldn't be done at the time - I've been waiting at home for them to scan again and see if it's safe to go ahead and fit a stent .
During the first operation attempt my husband panicked and got his mum down to help him with the kids ( both my parents are sadly deceased) - she's still here so she can help him when I go back in . Now my sil has decided she's coming down to see her mum - I've asked that she waits till I've had operation as I want this time alone with my kids and not have a houseful ( and all that comes with it - they are big drinkers and I'm t- total but she's ignored it and is coming down anyway with a view to staying in a local hotel and her mum joining her there ) . Thing is she's bringing her kids and my husband is saying he will take our kids to see them and out for the day this was a huge argument as to me this means I won't be spending the time before my brain surgery with my children he says it's not all about me and I'm being selfish - what do I do now ? Say ? I'm scared that something bad could happen to me at the hospital. Me and sil haven't spent time together for over 8 years - I don't think now is the time - I know this is a garbled thread but I'm actually shaking with anxiety- I am so terrified about my operation and now I'm angry about the situation I don't think I should be in x aibu ?

OP posts:

Nocabbageinmyeye · 07/02/2017 00:02

It's not all about you is he having a fucking laugh?? Apple doesn't fall far from the tree I see!

Yanbu op. I really hope your op goes well

Nocabbageinmyeye · 07/02/2017 00:04

Sorry that wasn't very helpful, do speak to him, you definitely don't need stress at this time. He might not be able to make her stay away but he can not see her till after the op and he can not speak to you like he did, I am honestly gobsmacked he said that to you

TwoTicketsToTeesside · 07/02/2017 00:06

My goodness, that sounds beyond stressful.

You have a DH problem, not an IL problem. But I'm not quite sure what you can do at this point other than address this particular situation. I'm sure dealing with this crap is just what you want before brain surgery.

So sorry, I hope all goes well for you.

haveacupoftea · 07/02/2017 00:06

YANBU. I would go fucking mental.

passthewineplz · 07/02/2017 00:07

YANBU! When is your op? If it's not for a couple of weeks, could she come to stay at least a week before your op, so you get to spend time with your family?

Also perhaps write down how you are feeling, so that you can explain it to your h.

Hope everything goes well

username1317 · 07/02/2017 00:09

YANBU, sand more to the point you have every reason to BU. You need to do whatever works for you now and sod what anyone else thinks.

Be very clear. "I'm very frightened and feeling frightened won't help my surgery. To not feel frightened I need XYZ to happen". End of.

If you were asking for the moon on a stick I'd maybe have more sympathy for your family. This is a hard time for them too, unfortunately. But to want to be able to control the time you spend with your kids in the lead up to surgery rather than pander to other people who have successfully made the drama all about them? Fuck that.

You need more, you deserve more and you have the power to make that happen.

Fingers crossed for your surgery. I'll be thinking of you

ferriswheel · 07/02/2017 00:09

Yadnbu. I can't think what you can do about it. I hope your operation goes well.

Ollycat · 07/02/2017 00:12

YADNBU - if ever there was a time things could justifiably be all about you then this is it. Show him what you've written here.

Do you have friends who can support you?

I hope operation goes smoothly at what must be a very stressful time

PollytheDolly · 07/02/2017 00:12

What the fuck is your DH on about?!

Ugh. I'm hoping he's said this under the stressful circumstances and he doesn't really mean that and will come to his senses and keep them away.

All the best for your surgery because that IS the most important thing, and you have the support you need. You'll get it here x

Thinkingblonde · 07/02/2017 00:13

You are not the unreasonable one here, your DH is wrong. It is all about you.
You are the one facing major brain surgery with all of the risks that entails.
Can you and him talk rationally and honestly about your fears, his as well as yours, for he no doubt is scared and worried too.
You don't need the added stress of difficult in laws.

Want2bSupermum · 07/02/2017 00:17

Would it be likely that your MIL has spoken to your SIL and your DH and said she can't cope with the kids on her own and needs SIL to help her?

If I were you and had the money I would hire help and send your MIL back home. You do not need your SIL there at all. If you don't have the money just be very very clear to your H that your SIL coming to stay is unacceptable to you and she isn't welcome at this time.

2017SoFarSoGood · 07/02/2017 00:17

Definitely YANBU! Your husband is DEFINITELY being VVU.

This is all about you, if ever it was. You need to sit him down and perhaps show him what you have written. I hope he was just saying it without thinking it through, and that is not really how he sees this situation.

Best of luck for your surgery.

BillSykesDog · 07/02/2017 00:23

YANBU. But thinking about it from a slightly different angle, this is probably a very frightening and difficult time for your children. Do you think perhaps a change of scene and a day out letting off some steam and seeing their cousins might be good for them?

Ask SIL to stay away from you and your house, but if DCs get on well with their cousins it might be a release for them for a day.

pollyglot · 07/02/2017 00:31

Oh, poor you! That is truly awful! How can everyone be so thoughtless? You will need total peace and quiet, and certainly not the inevitable stress and tensions created by this family of fuckwits. Good luck in whatever you decide!

lalalalyra · 07/02/2017 00:34

Have your SIL and her kids seen your MIL since she arrived to stay with you?

When is your operation? If it's in the next week or so then they are being v.v.v.unreasonable, but if you are still waiting for a date then I don't think they are being totally unreasonable as long as they stay in the hotel and don't expect to be hosted in your house or for you to be involved in any way.

DJBaggySmalls · 07/02/2017 00:35

Go stay in a hotel and get a break from the lot of them

Original poster

mummylove2monsters · 07/02/2017 00:42

Thankyou everyone- to be honest the kids see each other about once a year and are never intouch on message or anything but they'd probably enjoy getting together. Just think it would be better when I'm out - I want to spend as much time with them incase something terrible happens- I don't want to have wasted a day letting my sil have time . If she was really close to them it would be different but they aren't- she never even acknowledged my youngest being born ( 8 months ago ) . That's fine but why pretend now ?
I have a friend who will have 2 of my kids when I have operation because I'm concerned it's too much for mil who is too old and clearly would struggle I don't want her to take it all on .
I dislike my sil with such a passion that I don't want her touching my kids the thought of it makes my hear beat up in my throat ( probably a bit unreasonable but it's taken 15 years to get here ) . I'm relieved people are seeing it how I do . Thankyou so much - scan tomorrow of my head and then the Drs will decide if they want to get on and fit a stent - not going to lie I'm actually shitting myself- I have 4 children it's terrifying

OP posts:

Original poster

mummylove2monsters · 07/02/2017 00:55

Lalalayra - my sil and mil live together- they havnt seen each other for 6 weeks but have been skypeing . The operation should be next week or week after which is why I'm so peed about it all x
It's hard and I know why we don't get on - they think I'm a snob because I don't drink
And I'm strict with my kids about seat belts, diet , I don't let them out alone ( apart from my 14 yr old obviously ) ect - they are the opposite.in past I've had drunken phoncalls threatening to kick my c**t in because I breastfeed and they accused me of doing it to stop them having time with my babies ( yes seriously this has happened) . I've had so many incidents which led to me just not wanting to know .. I've tried just continuing to be kind but I gave up and just stopped being in contact- not going to visit when my husband went .
They seem to have forgotten all this and seemingly they think now I should be like it never happened?!

OP posts:

GardenGeek · 07/02/2017 00:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GardenGeek · 07/02/2017 01:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lalalalyra · 07/02/2017 01:02

Lalalayra - my sil and mil live together- they havnt seen each other for 6 weeks but have been skypeing . The operation should be next week or week after which is why I'm so peed about it all x

If they know your operation is likely to be next week then they are being v.unreasonable. They should have waited until after your scan tomorrow to make plans.

It wouldn't be unreasonable to plan something if the situation was just wait and see indefinately which is why I asked.

Good luck with tomorrow and your operation x

Original poster

mummylove2monsters · 07/02/2017 01:17

Thankyou x your all lovely- I'm glad I'm not as insane as my husband thinks I am lol

OP posts:

AntiGrinch · 07/02/2017 01:36

You need to do what you need to do, and that means being with your dcs with no one else. I would be the same, that is exactly what I would want too.

If your DH won't listen to you, can you get someone else to tell him? Does he have a best friend or anyone else you can have a word with? that's not a long term solution but might buy you what you need right now.

Good luck, I wish you all the best for the operation. I am sure it will be a success. Try not to worry and enjoy your children x

Agerbilatemycardigan · 07/02/2017 02:13

I don't care what your husband says, this IS all about you and so it bloody should be! You must be beyond stressed by now and all they are doing is making your situation worse.

Hope everything goes okay OP. Wish I had something more helpful to say

Original poster

mummylove2monsters · 07/02/2017 02:20

Thankyou- I have to say sil and mil have snookered me really by saying they'll go to a hotel- but they will want to see the kids - the mil said in front of the kids tonight so they will think they're missing out if they don't do for a visit and my husband ? How can he ignore his brother in law and leave him alone with The girls? They will have to have the night out ? ! Well played inlaws - well played - I actually f**ng hate them . Sil has had years - she chooses now - bloody hell 😢😢😢😢

OP posts:

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