Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu not wanting to see inlaws before my operation

116 replies

mummylove2monsters · 06/02/2017 23:55

Long story as short as I can make it :
I have never got on with my sil or mil
( although I always make the effort with mil for husbands sake and grin and bare it ) .
As for my sil I have had 15 years of drunken abusive phone calls - we are totally different. No love lost atall .
Anyway I had a brain haemorrhage almost a year ago while I was pregnant - baby born safely and is now 8 1/2 months old . I had a scan before Christmas which found an aneurism- they tried to operate but an artery collapsed and they woke me up to say it couldn't be done at the time - I've been waiting at home for them to scan again and see if it's safe to go ahead and fit a stent .
During the first operation attempt my husband panicked and got his mum down to help him with the kids ( both my parents are sadly deceased) - she's still here so she can help him when I go back in . Now my sil has decided she's coming down to see her mum - I've asked that she waits till I've had operation as I want this time alone with my kids and not have a houseful ( and all that comes with it - they are big drinkers and I'm t- total but she's ignored it and is coming down anyway with a view to staying in a local hotel and her mum joining her there ) . Thing is she's bringing her kids and my husband is saying he will take our kids to see them and out for the day this was a huge argument as to me this means I won't be spending the time before my brain surgery with my children he says it's not all about me and I'm being selfish - what do I do now ? Say ? I'm scared that something bad could happen to me at the hospital. Me and sil haven't spent time together for over 8 years - I don't think now is the time - I know this is a garbled thread but I'm actually shaking with anxiety- I am so terrified about my operation and now I'm angry about the situation I don't think I should be in x aibu ?

OP posts:
Spring2016 · 07/02/2017 03:44

Your husband is a spineless cad if he goes against your wishes at a time like this. I am pretty sure all this stress is not good for a person in your condition. Can you send your mil back home? I would, and I would be so mad at my husband I would not even dare if he had to stay at home with the kids and not be at the hospital.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 07/02/2017 04:00

I agree with you 100% OP.
Your husband is being spineless and pathetic.
But please please please keep your stress levels to a minimum until your aneurysm is fixed.
Going forward, after your operation and once you have recovered, I would have serious thoughts about your marriage and about having any further contact with ILs.
However in the next few weeks you do need to avoid stress.
Hopefully if you explain how you feel to your dh he will come to his senses.

Chinnygirl · 07/02/2017 04:00

Your DH is a dick, he should be taking care of you.

flumpybear · 07/02/2017 04:17

I think stress is probably something to be avoided st the moment, tell them you need space til after your operation
They sound bloody vile!!! Good luck with your surgery Flowers

Original poster
mummylove2monsters · 07/02/2017 07:09

Thankyou all x looks like I'll be home alone breathing in through the nose out through the mouth- I can quite honestly say this is my saddest lowest time in life ever and I'm utterly besides myself- once I've had the op I also have been told I must no longer breastfeed because the blood thinners I'll be on are dangerous for baby and get into my milk so this is all round a pretty upsetting time . I'll try and pump and dump with a view to starting again when I've finished on the meds . I have said to my husband that if the op is Monday or Tuesday then he will not take the kids to see her and that's that - no way .

OP posts:
luckylucky24 · 07/02/2017 07:22

Have you been blunt with your DH "DH I am scared I might die next week. Please help make what may be my last days relaxing and special by doing nice things with me and the kids, not taking them away and leaving me at home alone. Please take them out on the day of my op to take their mind off things instead"

Spring2016 · 07/02/2017 08:20

Hi mummy. Even if he does take them, please try and not get stressed out over it...at least you do not have to see them. I still think he is a cad not to indulge you at this time in your life, but it will just be for one day. Do you have a friend who could keep company with you on the day he takes them, to help you keep your mind off of it? Try not to worry, this will all be over soon, you'll be on the road to recovery, and then you can put it behind you. Flowers

Original poster
mummylove2monsters · 07/02/2017 09:00

Luckylucky24 I have been really blunt and said that to them all when the suggestion of the sil visit first came up - they said they understood.... and then arranged it anyway . Shock
My husband is totally spineless- it's easier to fall out with me than them ( they are quite a crazy - mostly female- family, that have catastrophic arguments) . He's so used to it that he just sees it all as bitching rather than me just not wanting the hassle ( I think he feels I'm in some way just trying to control him or the situation)
My prediction for the weekend is ( from experience) as follows :
Sil will arrive at hotel- mil will go there
Cousin will want to see my eldest
Mil will ask husband to bring the kids
Husband will end up going for a drink with brother in law
Kids will be dropped home with cousin for a sleepover while sil and mil get pissed and I'll have the sleepover gang
Husband will arrive back with brother in law who will ( because he has every time ) fall asleep and piss my sofa in his drunken sleep
Mil and sil will push for a family meal on the Sunday
I'll be the bad guy for not wanting to go and sit with a group of hungover people I don't even like
Sofa cushions will sit soaking in the bath for the day and covers will never go back on right due to pissy brother in law -
( the main cushion is ruined from the last time )
Husband will say it's not his fault and he never meant for it to go that way even though I predicted due to my overwhelming 15 years of experience ( #funnynotfunny )

OP posts:
midsummabreak · 07/02/2017 09:20

Totally understandable you need this time with close family, no matter if his family were all angels and perfectly behaved

get DH to read thread to understand how you feel
Would be so nice if you could go away a few days with your family before the op
Tell DH you can tolerate his family when you need to , but this time is so very special to you as you are scared and very anxious about how this op will go
Tell DH you need to spend this time with people you love

LuubyLuu · 07/02/2017 09:26

Can you say that the medical team have indicated complete quiet and calm and stability over this period, or even get one of them to have a word to your husband once you've explained the situation?

Original poster
mummylove2monsters · 07/02/2017 11:00

Good advice guys Thankyou- I have pretty much said all this to him - I think he's as scared of them as I am lol

OP posts:
zzzzz · 08/02/2017 00:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1484394242 · 08/02/2017 01:42

Just wanted to wish you well with the surgery. Good luck and all the very best

EmeraldScorn · 08/02/2017 02:11

Are you definitely sure that they will be staying in a hotel? I wouldn't be surprised if there's some imaginary dilemma and they all have to squueze into yours!

Your husband is weak and in this instance is wrong because it is all about you as you are the one facing brain surgery and the potential risks that come with it.

He sounds very selfish and your sister in law sounds horrendous.

The very best of luck for your operation, I hope it goes smoothly!

Carollocking · 08/02/2017 02:32

Put your foot down and say no one to come at all it's only way to stay feeling better and deal with what's to come in a better relaxed way.

Original poster
mummylove2monsters · 08/02/2017 10:00

Thankyou- I am reassured that none of you have said I'm bu. ( I expected mixed opinions on here ) .
I had the MRI yesterday afternoon so they are meeting today to discuss it - I will know by tomorrow exactly what's happening regardless operation- utterly terrified and pretty tearful. No idea when they are arriving but am going to reiterate to my husband that I'm fuming at how those women have snookered me at the worst time ever ! Xxxx Thankyou lovely mumsnetters x

OP posts:
Original poster
mummylove2monsters · 08/02/2017 10:01

Regarding not regardless Confused

OP posts:
CookieLady · 08/02/2017 11:02

Flowers hope all goes well for you.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 08/02/2017 11:13

I know this suggestion will sound completely contrary to what you want to have happen, as it would be taking you away from your kids totally, but if there is little alternative option to the weekend going any way other than you predict, could you not take yourself off to a hotel for the two days? Spa if you can (and that sort of thing is enjoyable to you)?

My reasoning being that then you won't be landed with looking after more than just your 4 kids, you won't be woken up by H and BIL returning drunk, and H will have to sort out the sofa himself rather than you ending up doing it. Plus you have a get-out-of-Sunday-lunch card too.

I know this suggestion is far from ideal, but it's what I would do. With a friend, if poss.

midsummabreak · 08/02/2017 11:15

Hope all goes well xo
Can you grab some peace from in-laws by spending time out with only DH and children somewhere. Can you take children to movies, then just DH and you out somewhere? Tell in-laws you need to take your mind off things by spending special time with your children & DH
Try not to waste any energy feeling angry/pissed off with inlaws- it's just not worth being dragged down to their level of bickering stupidity, and they aint changing anytime soon.... Brew

midsummabreak · 08/02/2017 11:22

Great thinking Time

  • can you spoil yourself doing something nice just for you alone Op?
Original poster
mummylove2monsters · 09/02/2017 08:50

Right now I don't think I'm thinking straight - I feel too scared to move ! ( because I'm waiting for hospital to call and impending operation) . The situation with inlaws just exasperates the situation. My heart feels like it's going to come out of my chest Sad . I'm terrified- trying so hard to shake the feeling ( be positive etc ) but really worried . Xxxx Thankyou for all your kind posts x

OP posts:
teaandakitkat · 09/02/2017 09:06

What a worrying time mummy, made a million times worse by idiotic family members.
I hope your news is good today and you can go ahead and have your op.

Much love xx

Sisinisawa · 09/02/2017 10:43

You may not need to stop breastfeeding. Have a look here www.breastfeedingnetwork.org.uk/wp-content/dibm/anticoagulants-oct-14.pdf

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 09/02/2017 11:01

Your DH is a spineless coward - he can't even step up and protect his own wife just before she has fecking brain surgery! Angry

Show him this thread, maybe it'll demonstrate to him what a cowardly shit he's being.