Aibu not wanting to see inlaws before my operation

[mummylove2monsters]

Long story as short as I can make it :
I have never got on with my sil or mil
( although I always make the effort with mil for husbands sake and grin and bare it ) .
As for my sil I have had 15 years of drunken abusive phone calls - we are totally different. No love lost atall .
Anyway I had a brain haemorrhage almost a year ago while I was pregnant - baby born safely and is now 8 1/2 months old . I had a scan before Christmas which found an aneurism- they tried to operate but an artery collapsed and they woke me up to say it couldn't be done at the time - I've been waiting at home for them to scan again and see if it's safe to go ahead and fit a stent .
During the first operation attempt my husband panicked and got his mum down to help him with the kids ( both my parents are sadly deceased) - she's still here so she can help him when I go back in . Now my sil has decided she's coming down to see her mum - I've asked that she waits till I've had operation as I want this time alone with my kids and not have a houseful ( and all that comes with it - they are big drinkers and I'm t- total but she's ignored it and is coming down anyway with a view to staying in a local hotel and her mum joining her there ) . Thing is she's bringing her kids and my husband is saying he will take our kids to see them and out for the day this was a huge argument as to me this means I won't be spending the time before my brain surgery with my children he says it's not all about me and I'm being selfish - what do I do now ? Say ? I'm scared that something bad could happen to me at the hospital. Me and sil haven't spent time together for over 8 years - I don't think now is the time - I know this is a garbled thread but I'm actually shaking with anxiety- I am so terrified about my operation and now I'm angry about the situation I don't think I should be in x aibu ?

Oh how awful for you. I don't know whether this will upset you even more, but have you considered writing letters to your kids, just in case, sort of thing? Sorry if that is insensitive.
I'll be thinking of you

What happened with the in laws?

How are you today?

It actually IS all about you at the moment. Gobsmacked at your dh's attitude

I'll never understand people who think that they're welcome in every situation. Your SIL is bonkers, your husband is an arsehole and your mil should know better than to allow this to happen.

I genuinely question the intelligence (emotion or otherwise) of people who think that their presence is helpful in situations where 99% of people would back off and help if asked.

Arrrrrrghh! People are dicks.

I sincerely hope it all goes well for you OP.

Thankyou all x off to london for second opinion regarding damage to artery preventing the operation from happening
I have so far evaded sil xxxxx hugs and Thankyou to you all xxxx

Huge well done for evading SIL, and enormous good wishes for tomorrow- will be thinking of you xx

Have just come across your thread and wanted to send my best wishes and prayers to you. I have a monster mil and two really horrid sils so can sympathise with you x good luck xx

Sending so many positive vibes, wish I could give you a big hug and cup of tea. Of course yanbu in the least. Perhaps DH is being a dick because he's also scared? Either way he should definitely be considering your wishes over anyone else's. You're his wife, after all.

hello #mummylove you were on my mind today, so wanted to check in and see how things are.

Ahh Thankyou sofarsogood . Operation wasn't possible due to the damage the hospital did to my artery during Angiogram
They say there's no other way to treat the aneurism. We went for second opinion in london and they feel they can operate but it'll be a big open surgery. London is a different health authority so we have to apply for our authority to transfer the funds ! - we don't know how that's going to go , we might persuade them on the grounds that they are responsible for the damage to artery that's preventing Op in our hospital !! I am shocked at how dishonest the hospital have been regarding the damage and their responsibility to fix it - ( while constantly reminding me I signed a consent form to say I was aware of risks which I did but knowhere does that list of risks say - you could end up in operable)
Our only other option is to go private but life saving brain surgery is tens of thousands ..... and who has that just lying around ???
It's all a mess .... I've read about this sort of dilemma but always took it with a pinch of salt !! I cannot believe that life saving surgery is only available in certain county's ! . And it took our own detective work and £360 for a consultation to find that out !?
No idea if our hospital will support the NHS funding transfer but morally I think they know they owe us all the help we can get ?!
They failed to tell me I had an aneurism for 9 months ! ( this is due to one consultant leaving , another starting and my scan sitting in a pile of un checked papers!)????
They damaged my artery beyond repair with a tube !
And I have a list of cock up after cock up which all ultimately should never have happened !!
On a brighter note I have still managed to evade in laws and they don't have any plans to come down in the near future lol
Thankyou for thinking of me xxxxxx

You poor thing. Is it worth trying to get an appointment with a medical negligence lawyer? They might know how best to put the pressure on to get results now.

Fucking hell

I agree with Testing - it would be good to know where you stand legally. At the very very least, have you submitted a complaint?

Sounds to me like your dh doesn't want/can't parent his own kids and it's ALL ABOUT HIM!

He called his mum down to do all the 'wife-work' the first time you went in so HE wasn't inconvenienced by dc related responsibilities.
His mum is STILL here pandering to him and enabling him.
He will use his mum again next time you have to go in hospital.

I think he's using them as an excuse to carry on doing what HE wants.
It's easier to blame others than admit HE ALLOWS them to behave like that - afterall there would be no getting away with piss ups and shirking parental responsibilities if he's got no one to blame for 'forcing him' to do it.

He isn't thinking about the dc best interests or yours - just his own.
Does he have ANY respect for you?

As for bil and pissing on the sofa - why are you allowing this?
It's your and your dc home too and none of you need to 'put up' with it.
Why are YOU the one cleaning up after his bil?
There's nothing stopping you from putting your foot down with your dh re this.

Personally, if my dh chose to 'over-rule' me like this, i'd cover the sofa with waterproof plastic/bin liners and make it VERY obvious that you don't want your sofa ruined.
There's nothing stopping you bollocking bil the next morning and totally embarrassing him if he wets himself again.

They sound like alcoholics and your dh thinks its ok to expose his dc to the fucked up lifestyles of addicts - and all because HE doesn't want to look after his own kids!

OP please tell yourhealrhcate providers about the lack of support you're receiving at home and the stress you're currently under. The doctors might insist upon certain stresses being eliminated prior to the operation and will hopefully shame your fucking husband into growing a backbone.

I can't believe how horrid he is being.

OP - I'm so sorry for the awful position you find yourself in.
Sorry if this sounds pedantic but assuming you in England It will not be up to the hospital where you had the angio to decide about the London referral, but the local health commissioners. Your GP could be of great assistance in supporting your request to have your treatment transferred to London.
I really hope you can get this sorted very soon

OP so sorry for all you are going through. You sound lovely. In laws - not so much!

Sorry to derail slightly but, what does your BIL say when he wakes up on your sofa, covered in cold wet piss? Does he say, woops I did it again, as he looks at the large dark stain on his crotch? Does he say sorry but don't sit there for a while, it's a bit damp? And what does your DH say in reply? That's OK bro, mummy will look after it?

If it were me I might be tempted to write an old-fashioned letter to both SIL (please stay from me until you can be sober, civil and supportive to me in this very frightening time for me); and to BIL (please stay away from me until you can control your drinking sufficiently that you are not rotting my furniture with your piss).

I don't think either of those requests would be unreasonable. Be calm and measured - they'll think you are batshit but they already have no respect for you so heyho.

Finally, your DP really needs to step up his game. Imho his first and last priority should be to you and the DCs. If that means he tells his (definitely alcoholic) family to fuck right off, so be it.

Finally, I'm sending you loads of positive vibes and good thoughts. Sounds like you have a battle ahead of you, maybe contact all your local politicians, MP etc? Be a warrior! X

Hope it all goes well, op.

OP, I very much hope you can get the go ahead for a transfer to the specialist hospital in London.

Not sure if the best way to achieve that, maybe start a thread titled 'how to get a referral for hospital in different NHS area' or something? And explain?

You are doing really well.

Does your DH come to the appointments with you?

Jeez OP, I've just read this thread and I can't believe how you're being treated here, it's beyond awful.

Firstly, there is something called patient choice in the NHS. You have the right to choose where you are treated and by whom, for services which are commissioned. This sounds like your local hospital do not have the expertise but the London one does, so theoretically you should be able to just choose a different hospital. Your consultant locally needs to refer you on to the London hospital. If they are unwilling, your GP may well be able to help with a direct referral.

Your local hospital will not have anything to do with a funding decision, if anyone, that would be your local CCG (clinical commissioning group).

I would start by contacting PALS at your local hospital today, and saying you want to a) make a formal complaint about your treatment so far and b) you want help with an urgent tertiary referral to the specialist hospital.

Good luck, I really hope this gets sorted for you ASAP.

I would also check your household insurance to see if it covers legal bills, then think about contacting a medical negligence lawyer. Good luck, OP. I hope your husband starts being more supportive soon - I wonder if he's also feeling in need of support but finding it hard to admit because he feels he needs to be strong for you, and that's why he's not bring firmer with his family?

Great advice from Cheby.

My (non experienced) instinct says make a complete separation between the request for a referral to London and the complaint.

You want / need the referral for its own sake and are entitled.

You can pursue your complaint in due course.

Good luck OP.

Thankyou everyone x your all so lovely. I still have managed not to see inlaws and your all correct I have banned it till after operation ( even then they can sleep at a hotel as we have 4 children in a teeny 3 bed as it is ) . London consultation tomorrow and hopefully a decision from the NHS about transfer xxxx

Wishing you the best possible outcome, OP.

So disappointed used to read your update OP good advice here on suggested next steps & wishing you good health