to not get it when people talk about 'relaxing family time'

[deliverdaniel]

I've seen lots of threads on here where people talk about relaxing family weekends, or various where people have suggested that the OP just 'relax' at home when (usually) her partner is out pursuing a hobby or similar.

Do these people have much older children than ours? Am I doing something wrong? Family life with young kids can be many lovely things- joyous/ fulfilling/ rewarding but IME almost never 'relaxing.' We have 2 active DS's aged 6 and 3. Looking after them is fun but almost constant hard work. They need very careful supervision not to break anything/ hurt themselves/ start fighting etc. they constantly need help with things. they want to play boring, repetitive games with us. We encourage them to be self sufficient and the older one can play on his own for a while (esp w legos) but even then it isn't particularly relaxing as we are constantly looking out for the younger one and often to maek sure he doesn't break his brother's lego creations etc. Occasionally we resort to TV and now sometimes films although the younger one won't concentrate for long, adn putting on kids tv doesn't really count as a relaxing family activity for us. We are usually exhausted.

Don't get me wrong- we adore our kids, have some great days out and times with them. But it's certainly not relaxing. What does the 'relaxing' that everyone else seems to be doing with their young kids consist of?

Genuine question?

QuiteQuietly thanks, that's really interesting. I do agree with you about the 'bolters' thing. I think it's inbred somehow. My oldest wasn't really a bolter (although he also wasn't like some kids where the mums can happily have their backs to a one year old by a busy road etc and be confident that they will not run off- he occasionally did) My little one runs away ALL THE TIME which makes walking anywhere/ playing anywhere not relaxing at all. I'm waiting for him to grow out of this. As for leaving them to play/ climb within a playground or similar. Again- I was much happier to do this with the older one, who was more cautious. The younger one regularly attempts things that could seriously hurt him or someone else. Though maybe I have made him like this by not giving him enough freedom etc. It's hard to know.

OP it really sounds like a temperament thing. I can relate to quitequietly's post, I have 11, 8 and 2, and they are very mild-mannered and have never run off. I have to tell them to get outdoors time otherwise they don't think to go out and play. They potter around the house doing puzzles and colouring or ipad etc.

My best friend's kids on the other hand.. they are all bolters and fist fight constantly. She can't just relax with a book when they are all at home.

Mine are older, and were little in the days before screens were a thing. I remember relaxed family time being pretty much the norm. I think what helped was that our house was pretty kid proofed: not really much they could hurt themselves on or damage. Also they didn't really fall out much; certainly didn't fight. They liked Lego and little figures and playing in the garden in the playhouse or in the street when they were a bit older. We did lots of camping type holidays and while DH and me were lying in, they amused themselves doing stuff like making their own top trumps or board game out bits and bobs.

Before you all hate me, can I point out that they were all pretty hard work as teenagers and I really missed my lovely little kids.

tinklylittlelaugh wow- that sounds lovely. What age were they though when they were making their own board games etc? Presumably a bit older?

Wundringnow Do you have boys or girls? I'm wondering if it is a bit of a boy energy thing? Although I know that is horrendous stereotyping and maybe yours are boys too?

deliver They were between about 10 and 5 so yeah a bit older. Mind you I remember my friend bought a dolly teaset with a little checked tablecloth on a camping holiday for her 6 year old and my 5 year old to play with. They were very engrossed and we realised they had actually invented a chess type game with the teacups and various pieces and were playing it out on the checked tablecloth. Friend's DD has turned out gifted at maths though and is studying it at uni now.

I dunno. I think screens have destroyed a lot of creativity in kids. I have a younger one (10) who has grown up with the iPad and computer games. I just think he is less resourceful and able to amuse himself.

tinklylittlelaugh that is so sweet and very impressive! I think if we just had my older one, or if my younger one was more like him in temperament, it would be a lot easier. The oldest is very focused (almost a bit obsessive) and will play lego for hours building really amazing stuff and making up long stories about his creations. My little one is just so high energy and reckless, he is the one that needs the supervision. I think it will be a long time before they are doing complicated games together- they love each other, but the main way they interact is 'lets run around and trash the house together'- wiht the little one leading the big one astray!

deliverdaniel, my two older ones are boys and they are by far the least energetic . My girl is the only one who ever drew on walls or emptied the shampoo bottle when I wasn't looking. They bust the stereotype!

wundringnow how funny! I think i'm probably desperately convincing myself that it is the hand that I've been dealt (testosterone) rather than my own bad parenting that is making my kids such hard work! Both of mine were the shampoo emptying type as toddlers and the little one still very is- needs constant supervision. Older one has grown out of it and is very focused now so I'm hoping the little one does too...

I do often think the kids who are a handful can grow into the most interesting adults, especially if they keep that spark and curiosity and energy! I often wish I had those qualities myself...

wundring aw thanks- what a lovely thing to say! that makes me feel much better.

I personally found 4 a big step up from 3, in terms of ability to entertain selves and not trash the house (caveat: girls). I do also think it's learned behaviour to an extent so I do insist they do it (i.e. get back from rugby and say "right, I'm going to have a read/nap, so you need to play by yourselves"). We are also out of the house for at least half of each day.

I do intervene in arguments if (1) physical violence and (2) breaking the other ones stuff. If it's just general ongoing bickering they both have to go and play in their own rooms.

deliver 3 is still really hard - I did used to have to actively distract and play with my youngest at 3 to stop him destroying the older two's complicated Playmobil world or Lego or board game. At 5 he just wouldn't destroy stuff and plays chess properly with my 9 yo. From 12 months to 3 he was a climber and climbed everything like a chimpanzee - including empty door frames to swing off the top lintel. At 5 he still does climb door frames occasionally ASA party trick but he has a far better ability to risk asses his own climbing and wouldn't run to and swarm up the lighting rig around astage as he once did on holiday at about 2.5 ...

Even with climby energetic types at 5 they still run about and are still loud but they are not a danger to themselves.

If you have kids whose personalities don't clash you will be fine in a couple of years - I know my sister just used to goad and goad til we fought physically even until we were about 9 and 11, but that was partly parenting too - my parents just told me I should be understanding because she was younger and essentially put up with whatever she did and made it clear any retaliation was my fault but whatever she did was because she loved me and wanted my attention (I.e. also my fault and down to me to solve by playing with her on demand against my wishes) which was a recipe for disaster. If you're even handed and keep the younger one from pestering the older when it's annoying him I'd hope their relationship will work out amicably.

Mine play out too - we live somewhere with lots of neighboring children of compatible ages and lots of green space. This makes parenting multiple times easier, and I know my experience of parenting DC2 especially would be very different and far more difficult if we were in a more cramped situation or he didn't have mates calling for him to go out and play football.

I think 'relaxing family time' is a relative concept. You have to lower your expectations of what counts as relaxing when you have small children. For me that would mean being able to get up and dressed within a relaxed framework (i.e. kids still woke early, but not having to rush round getting everyone dressed for a deadline so a bit of playing in pyjamas for instance), not having lots of activities and appointments to rush around for (easy enough with one when everything can be tailored to that one child, much more complicated as soon as you are trying to coordinate two or more diaries), clearing the decks ourselves so we we were not trying to cram in lots of jobs and chores (nowadays that for me would mean putting phones away though it wasn't such a problem ten years ago when mine were little) being able to give the kids undivided attention (not in the sense of hovering over their every move, but in the sense of being available to answer questions and join in if necessary). I must confess I tried to train my dcs from the youngest age to be interested in things I'm interested in - they enjoyed a walk round a garden or National Trust type place, taught them to play tennis so we could play together. Tire them out a bit, snuggle up with a nice video and then everyone gets to have an early night. It's not relaxing in the way someone without kids would define the word, but you do what you can. Also (and I'm sure someone has said this before) do enjoy every moment - mine are teenagers now and life is MUCH easier, but I'd love to replay a few of those early days knowing that it won't last forever.

I think it depends totally on your own child and your own view of 'relaxing' - I had an incredibly chilled baby/todder - he slept most of the time - ie: playschool in the morning followed by a long nap in the afternoon and bed at 7pm - so for me the early years were 'relaxing'.

However I don't find it particularly relaxing now that he is older and needs a lot of ferrying around to various sporting activities that tend to be miles away or sitting in on a Saturday night waiting for the call to pick up from some sort of 'social gathering' not allowed to call them parties which always seem to be in the middle of nowhere.

Some really nice responses on this thread. I've noticed recently that weekends have got easier - ours our 6 and nearly 4 and have started to play much better together and without our input which makes everything much more relaxing. Since the older one started school last year they seem to value time together more and argue less. They still do of course, but we can usually separate them for a bit and then they forget and go back to each other.

For a loooong time until DD1 started school I pretty much insisted on going out somewhere on both a Sat and Sun - park, swimming, museum, anything happening in a field in the summer - and being out from about 10 til 2, just to break the day up, tire everyone out a bit and (mainly) kill some time. DP often resisted saying we didn't need to - but I was working less then so had both kids on my own for most of the week anyway, and he was also very good at switching off, not hearing them or even disappearing to the garage for an hour or two. And then wondering why I was grumpy

Even now I usually have a plan B in my head in case things go tits up on a Saturday/Sunday, so we can be out the door fairly quickly if needed - an idea of where we could go, essentials in a bag, snacks/fruit to grab etc.

And yes I always laugh at the threads about grumpy partner being left at home while the other takes the kids out on a weekend to have fun. We reward each other with that now and again if one of us is at the end of our rope with work/kids/other stuff or (occasionally) hungover. Otherwise, suck it up and join in!

Just wanted to say thank you OP for starting this thread, i've really enjoyed reading it today!

I have two - 4 and 19 months. My god weekends are not relaxing at all! But it's so nice to read that this is very normal with this age group and I'm not actually doing anything wrong! Heartening to know it should get easier in a couple of years....just got to hang on til then!

So agree with what a PP said about chores being my relaxing time at the moment - I love sorting washing/cooking a meal/tidying kitchen whilst my DH plays with the kids and leaves me to it!!

Galdos your version of family time sounds a bit more realistic :)

thank you everyone. I've loved reading everyone's replies (both the relaxed and the non relaxed!)

Incredibly, this morning, while I was reading this thread, the two boys played together in a creative, non-destructive way for 45 minutes leaving me to have a lovely relaxing breakfast. I was astonished. Don't want to get my hopes up but it did give me a glimpse of how things could be more relaxing in the future! Good luck to everyone else in the thick of it!

In 10 years' time, they will surface for lunch, eat an unbelievable amount of food, head out for their sports or to meet mates, come back to eat an unbelievable amount of food, then stare at portable electronic devices and later eat some more. Really relaxing as long as you have enough food in the house, hang on in there!

Someone gave me this book when I had my first & it proved my bible

www.amazon.co.uk/Idle-Parent-Less-Means-Raising/dp/0141030356

paxillin - so true!

But I vividly remember that when kids were young such as thing was utterly unimaginable!

ph0ebe thanks! i've just downloaded that on my kindle!

Nothing relaxing about having young children except when they are asleep.

Amen Olympia!