to not get it when people talk about 'relaxing family time'

[deliverdaniel]

I've seen lots of threads on here where people talk about relaxing family weekends, or various where people have suggested that the OP just 'relax' at home when (usually) her partner is out pursuing a hobby or similar.

Do these people have much older children than ours? Am I doing something wrong? Family life with young kids can be many lovely things- joyous/ fulfilling/ rewarding but IME almost never 'relaxing.' We have 2 active DS's aged 6 and 3. Looking after them is fun but almost constant hard work. They need very careful supervision not to break anything/ hurt themselves/ start fighting etc. they constantly need help with things. they want to play boring, repetitive games with us. We encourage them to be self sufficient and the older one can play on his own for a while (esp w legos) but even then it isn't particularly relaxing as we are constantly looking out for the younger one and often to maek sure he doesn't break his brother's lego creations etc. Occasionally we resort to TV and now sometimes films although the younger one won't concentrate for long, adn putting on kids tv doesn't really count as a relaxing family activity for us. We are usually exhausted.

Don't get me wrong- we adore our kids, have some great days out and times with them. But it's certainly not relaxing. What does the 'relaxing' that everyone else seems to be doing with their young kids consist of?

Genuine question?

I think most of us know what you mean OP. People who find it relaxing hanging out with their kids fit into one of the below categories:

a) Their children are older and more independent.

b) They have calm, less energetic children

c) They are of the breed of extrovert that draws energy from being around small children and playing with them.

I think a lot of people also just say things without thinking them through...

To all those people who says it gets easier...

Yeah we don't have relaxing weekends. Ds1 is 9 and he has ADHD so is like a ping pong ball in a jar. He has football on Saturday morning. Dd is nearly 7 and has gym on Saturday afternoon. Ds2 is nearly 3 and likes to talk and play loudly and have us involved and boss everyone around!

I live in hope that one day we will all be able to sit on the sofa and watch a film together the whole way through!

They are up anywhere between 5:30 and 6:30 raring to go. I can't wait for the days when I have to wake them up!

Even going out with them seems stressful to be honest. I think we've hit a peak time of difficulty.

Of course it gets easier malificent7 unless the children have special needs when in some cases unfortunately it may not.

NT kids are vastly easier at 5 than they are at 3, or at 7 than they are at 5, at 9 than they are at 7 etc. Those who insist it only gets constantly harder have either had a very unfortunate experience personally or are the kind of twats who want to drive those not as "experienced" to jump off cliffs by being prophets of endless doom.

We don't have relaxing weekends. Ds needs constant supervision and if you take your eye off the ball you are likely to find he has something in his mouth or water has been everywhere. Outside the house there is the no awareness of danger and sensory issues to contend with. We do have things that are relaxing by our standards but I doubt they would be relaxing to many others.

I must be still doing it all wrong. 6 and 3 is one of the worst times though op. At least after that they can play on their tablets for hours. Yeah, like that's good parenting. Mine still fight. Then are best buddies!!

But relaxing? Running eldest around in my 'taxi service', off to play with his mates; washing football kits; spending the whole of Sunday washing and making sure they have enough school shirts. And yes, why is your second pair of school trousers shoved down the side of your bed, when I've just put a 4th load of washing on? Yeah! Really relaxing?

I'm with malificent and mine are NT, if that means anyone is going to jump off a cliff can they take me with them? Thanks.

I think people must have absolutely enormous blind spots in their memory to forget how full on every minute of every hour of every day it is when they are little if they think driving kids about and doing laundry is harder than looking after multiple babies and toddlers Either that or they had the world's most passive babies and toddlers!

Mine are all school age now, and there are 3 of them and they do the standard issue amount of activities and sleep overs and so on, as well as producing industrial quantities of laundry but they don't wake me up 5 times per night, they get up on their own and I can lie in til one of them needs driving to a football match, and they don't climb the furniture/ jump off windowsills/ put coins in their mouths etc etc.

There really is no comparison between being "on duty" 24/7 and just needed to drive kids about and wash/ cook.

I agree, 5more, for me it is vastly easier with one preschooler and a school age child than it was with a baby and a toddler. Hoping I haven't jinxed myself now though! That's without adding things like baby twins and a toddler into the mix which a few of my friends had.

wundringnow Tue 07-Feb-17 05:40:11
"I think most of us know what you mean OP. People who find it relaxing hanging out with their kids fit into one of the below categories:

a) Their children are older and more independent.

b) They have calm, less energetic children

c) They are of the breed of extrovert that draws energy from being around small children and playing with them."

Good point there. Not sure I'm an extrovert, but I do actually find young children quite invigorating. I'm the kind of person who finds physical exertion- halfway up a hillside in the pouring rain- more relaxing than just sitting still. I'd return very stressed from your traditional beach holiday.

People are all different. What makes us tick is different. No point trying to second-guess what another person is going to find relaxing or exhausting.

I think it's a personality thing. We're all fairly introverted and relax at home quite a lot. When they were smaller I lived life by the rule of "out in the morning, calm at home in the afternoon" (like pp who went to the supermarket in the morning). Once the youngest got to 3/4 I no longer HAD to do that every day. If you don't find something relaxing, then don't do it. I hated playgroups and activities where I had to interact with other mums. So I didn't do them. I never liked soft play either. I like to read in the park while they play so I did that. If the youngest couldn't do the playground without supervision, then we had a quick burst on it and then find something they can do with minimal supervision (like collect stones in a bucket while I read). I like reading so I still will read to them (something that I like to read - not bob the bloody builder or the gruffalo, but great picture books and chapter books from my childhood) and I like board games so we do that. I don't enjoy play doh or playing with figurines or dressing up so they do it on their own while I do something else. No point in being a martyr. They play together and they play alone while I read the paper, do the crossword, fiddle with my phone, play music, practise an instrument. If they squabble I tell them to sort it out or split up into different rooms. But mostly they get on. If they want food, they get it themselves. I had a basket of snacks on the kitchen counter when they were younger. I don't do cutting up fruit and veg for toddlers and certainly not now they are older. Small children had water bottles and now they are older they can pour themselves drinks. The point of toilet training is to train them to use the toilet. If they need to go, they should go - not sure why this impinges on adult relaxation? If there are illness issues then that's a special period of all-hands-on-decks and relaxation goes on hold. We enjoy eating out and have always done it to build good habits (starting with quick coffee and cake when they were young and buiding up to proper meals). But always did self-catering holidays them they were younger (with one or two meals out). Camping is more relaxing with small children than formal and rigid hotel breaks.

To me it seems that as long as you are not a martyr it should be simple to relax with your family. But perhaps it's a temperament thing as well. We are a calm, lazy and introverted family and I reject the cult of total motherhood. They are clean, fed, rested and stimulated enough and we enjoy each others company. But I accept that, for whatever reason, it seems out of reach of many of those around us.

Our weekends are usually pretty relaxed, but not necessarily relaxing! We try and keep one of the days free of any plans and add things in ad hoc eg ooh it's sunny let's go to the local NT / out for lunch which helps as we don't feel rushed. I stay in my dressing gown until at least 10am most weekend mornings which helps psychologically I think!

Ours are 1, 3 and 5 and they all have a nap on one of the weekend days (admittedly we have to actively tire the big two out to achieve this!) Bribery is often required to stay up "late" (8pm!) and/or have the nap in my bed! The big two can sit through a Disney film - but they like us to watch it with them. We also have a takeaway or oven food ("fake McD's" the kids call it) and watch Ninja Warrior or Wallace and Gromit on a Saturday night.

I'm a strong believer in giving kids downtime, but it does take hard work and planning to achieve a relaxing weekend!

You know, I hadn't thought about it but mine are 5 and 8 and it has got better in the last year - they even held off getting me up until 8am on Christmas day (although they did go downstairs and feel up all the parcels first...)

It depends on your kids and their ages. i still remember with awe the time I went out for lunch with my friend and her two kids who were 4 and 2. I was expecting a quick grab of something to eat, and then going to the park. Her kids sat quietly looking around at everyone else, while we had a 3 course lunch with coffee afterwards. It was a very relaxing lunch, followed by a stroll around the park.

Her kids are a bit older now and would now demand lots of attention.

Yes, definitely hard work at the weekends with 3yr olds! Our kids are 9 and 10 and I would say that weekends have been relaxing for the last 3 or 4 years. I find the key is to spend as much time outside as possible. We live in a lovely area near the beach with forest parks near by so spend hours in these. Kids usually exhaust themselves by racing around, dh and I get a nice walk and then we all enjoy a relaxing coffee/lunch afterwards.

quitequietly I'm really fascinated by your post. I'm wondering about the ages/ sexes/ temperaments of your kids? I am also by nature fairly lazy/ love reading etc. But my kids are not like that (or at least the younger one is nothing like that)- I can't imagine reading a book at the park because he runs away regularly, will climb up something too dangerous and fall off or get stuck/ get in a scrap with another kid/ hurt himself etc etc. I can't imagine that they would put stones in a bucket for longer than a minute or two. I am not their 'entertainment committee' but they seemingly need supervision to stay alive/ intact etc and demand my attention regularly to 'look at this' / play with me/ push me on the swing etc etc. They like being read to, but really this can only last for half an hour or so max with the younger one- I can't see how you can read to a 3 year old all day (my oldest liked books A LOT compared to most of his peers that I know, but even for him, an hour of reading at that age would be a real stretch)

They will play alone a bit- the older one more so, and much more now than when he was younger. But the younger one needs supervision when playing as he is likely to break something/ hurt himself etc etc

Are your kids just very different in temperament/ nature?

and YY to the pp who raised an eyebrow at parents of older kids thinking that driving to activities/ laundry etc are harder than supervising toddlers and babies. I have to drive my kids lots of places too and do laundry. They are usually the most relaxing parts of my day! the hard parts are the actual looking after the children. I'm sure there are otehr difficulties with teenagers/ more emotional problems etc, but laundry and driving? Sounds like bliss!

When they're all at school it changes. I picked mine up yesterday then they each disappeared as soon as we got home and I pottered in the kitchen with my music on.

In the mornings I tell them what to do but I don't have to it with them.

They will even go and shower themselves and put their pyjamas on while I tidy up after supper.

It's lovely. And a quite recent thing - youngest started YR this year.

The other thing is they don't get really tired so if supper is 6.40 not 6 it doesn't matter much.

It's great

I don't know about "relaxing" but certainly I wonder about all the people who write about their hallowed "family time" generally. For example people who get up at 5am to go out running so it doesn't encroach on "family time".

We work in the week and at weekends we have household chores to do. I'm not that houseproud but washing and ironing takes quite a lot of time and yes the stuff really does need ironing, I don't bother with the stuff that doesn't. I do online shopping but I still need to pop into town for things as well.

We all used to do parkrun on a Sat morning but DH is injured and can't run and DS is now doing more athletics training and swimming so doesn't come either. So I go on my own so the one thing that was family time has stopped. We have proper meals at weekends, so eating together is family time but that's about it.

Do you all spend your weekends doing cultural things like visiting National Trust properties? I suppose people have bigger families than we do and/or more family living locally so you do more visits/activities together, but we don't see much of family either. So family time for us generally means household chores/reading the paper for me and DH, and homework/playing on the xbox (for ds).

deliver it will be a lot easier in 2 year's,and more relaxed. My kids are all in other rooms playing/ drawing / painting ATM (youngest is 5) and I am putting minimum effort into cooking a lazy evening meal while chatting occasionally to DH who is half watching TV, and MNing - that's pretty relaxed!

I totally agree about being by the whole "hollowed family time" thing though purple - presumably the people who say that have very over scheduled lives and have to book a slot in their diary to see one another, or actually mean it's time to avoid people they'd feel obliged to put "daytime clothes" on and brush their hair to feel comfortable with

We see loads of one another in different combinations even though we work and always get dressed before coming downstairs so we usually have other kids here during our family down time, or one or two or all of the kids have something to do/ somewhere to be etc. We don't do enforced exclusive togetherness I try to take the kids somewhere every time I'm not working the weekend, but I work 6am-2pm 1-2 weekends per month and then we might go to the cinema or swimming but DH never wants to come and that's fine - he hangs out with the kids in the morning while I work and they often do a random project like build a rocket or go Geocaching ... and DS1 almost always has a football match Friday, Saturday or Sunday (sometimes twice as he sometimes subs for another team), DD has volunteer firebrigade and usually meets a friend, ds2 usually has a friend over or goes to a friend's... Still plenty of separate and together downtime too.

I'm always confused by people being all uptight and clingy over their older kids on holiday too - for our kids making friends is the highlight of the holiday and I'm happy to wander about occasionally checking on the older ones and keep an eye on DC3 plus any mates he's acquired around our caravan/ the pool/ the playpark in the late afternoons/ early evenings or if we're having a quiet day on-site - much nicer for everyone than enforced playing as a hermetically sealed family unit.

I get you op. Mine are 5 and 3. The 5 yo is a boisterous whirlwind, often shouting and running round the house and the 3 yo gets swept up in it. They don't need constant monitoring but pretty regularly and they make a mess if I don't keep an eye on them.

It all depends on temperament. My 3 yo is placid and independent, nothing like her sister. My days with her are relaxed and if we're in a cafe I can read while she colours. This would never have happened with dd1!

I have friends with similar aged dc and always baffled when they talk about relaxing weekends!

I relax with the kids as much as possible. It usually involves either (a) my being out (at the pub) while they are at home; or (b) they being out with their mates while I'm at home; (c) they being asleep/thingumming in their rooms and me being alone downstairs; or (d) they being downstairs creating a mess in the kitchen/watching TV (less so with portable devices) while I'm asleep in bed.

The rest of the time I am working with the kids - acting as taxi-driver, cheering at football, going to school things, buying clothes, etc etc. That's the day job.

Galdos

deliverdaniel Mine are 12, 10 and 7. Middle one is a boy and the outliers are girls. They enjoyed pootling about as small children and if they were happy I tried not to interfere. The youngest is still prone to filling a bucket with "treasure" and has an impressive stick collection by the back door. They didn't tend to run off (but I know that some children are born bolters). We didn't have a car when they were younger so they had to walk everywhere and I often wonder if that is why they were always happy to stay put when they had the rare opportunity! When they were small I let them be free-range within parameters (eg stay where you can see me, or you can go anywhere between this bench and that big tree). It probably helps that I tended not to take them to very busy or crowded places. As for safety, well I let them fall. I grew up in a culture where children were left alone much more. My philosophy is that if you get get up there, you can get down. I think, with my children anyway, if they truly know you are not going to make a panic and coax them down, they tend to be more careful where they climb. I often wonder if it's attention seeking when I see wailing children "stuck" at the top of the climbing frame. I was converted by continuum concept woman writing that if you give children all the attention they want, then they are full up enough to not be needy and annoying and pestering you all the time. They just need the reassurance that you are there if they need you. For us, this tack seems to have worked.

I don't even now read to them for hours at a time - just that if they want to do something together, I offer things that I personally like doing (and steer away from things I find soul-destroying). I (like most people) have to do so much in life that is tedious and painful that when I have a measure of control, I prefer to wield it for (my own) good.