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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not get it when people talk about 'relaxing family time'

149 replies

deliverdaniel · 05/02/2017 19:36

I've seen lots of threads on here where people talk about relaxing family weekends, or various where people have suggested that the OP just 'relax' at home when (usually) her partner is out pursuing a hobby or similar.

Do these people have much older children than ours? Am I doing something wrong? Family life with young kids can be many lovely things- joyous/ fulfilling/ rewarding but IME almost never 'relaxing.' We have 2 active DS's aged 6 and 3. Looking after them is fun but almost constant hard work. They need very careful supervision not to break anything/ hurt themselves/ start fighting etc. they constantly need help with things. they want to play boring, repetitive games with us. We encourage them to be self sufficient and the older one can play on his own for a while (esp w legos) but even then it isn't particularly relaxing as we are constantly looking out for the younger one and often to maek sure he doesn't break his brother's lego creations etc. Occasionally we resort to TV and now sometimes films although the younger one won't concentrate for long, adn putting on kids tv doesn't really count as a relaxing family activity for us. We are usually exhausted.

Don't get me wrong- we adore our kids, have some great days out and times with them. But it's certainly not relaxing. What does the 'relaxing' that everyone else seems to be doing with their young kids consist of?

Genuine question?

OP posts:
birdybirdywoofwoof · 05/02/2017 20:19

Today I thought we'd have a relaxing game of monopoly....
wtf was I thinking?!

corythatwas · 05/02/2017 20:21

It might simply be a different definition of relaxing. Relaxation by counter-stress. Grin Like relaxing from a stressful job by going on a mountaineering holiday rather than lazing on the beach. Won't work of course if you are also the person doing the same job all week.

But it does get better with time.

bringonyourwreckingball · 05/02/2017 20:22

Mine are 11 and 8 and I think the last maybe 3 years have been pretty much ok - I no longer groan inwardly at the prospect of solo parenting for a long period on a weekend, they play together or separately nicely and are great company. Trying to supervise 2 sets of online homework at the same time is a challenge though. It does get easier the older they are. 3 year olds are hard work - I reckon around 5 (age of youngest child) is when you get to relax a bit more.

bringonyourwreckingball · 05/02/2017 20:25

Oh and dd1 brought me a cup of tea in bed this morning. The sooner you teach them to be independent (within reason) the quicker you see the benefits 😄

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 05/02/2017 20:25

thanks everyone for words of encouragement and support!

allowisthinkalot thanks for your reply. I don't see it as smug. Just baffling. I wish I could be more like you. But for instance- if the 6 year old has spent ages building his dream lego creation, and the younger one wants to smash it as part of his 'digger demolition' game, do you really think I should just leave them to it? Or if they are hitting/ hair pulling/ one is getting hurt (almost always the younger hurting the older) should I just let them sort it out themselves? (genuine question) I'm sure you'll probably say I need to discipline them better and I try, OH MY GOD do I try, and that is a full time job in itself. And it is getting better, and they are listenting more, but it really isn't relaxing. So genuine question- do you just leave those sorts of situations? How do you not intervene? I do stuff with them- eg reading/ art etc, but am certainly not a full time entertainment committee and do encourage them to do their own stuff too. But it doesn't usually seem to work out like that. Can you give me more specifics about how to handle various situations?

OP posts:
Tess123 · 05/02/2017 20:25

Yes! They have older kids.

MorrisZapp · 05/02/2017 20:25

Yes it always amazes me when a DH is being grumpy about going out for the day and the advice is 'go without him and have a lovely time with the kids!'

Er, what? The punishment for being grumpy is getting a day off? And the reward for being cheerful is solo childcare?

Fuck. That.

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 05/02/2017 20:27

busyboysmum your post is so lovely. I've actually copied and pasted and stored it on my computer to keep me going through these years and see that there is light at teh end of the tunnel! thank you.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 05/02/2017 20:27

Loving the Four Non Blondes reference!

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 05/02/2017 20:28

MorrisZapp EXACTLY!! that's exactly the kind of post I'm referring to! It's as though other people don't see family life as childcare (ie hard work), and I'm really trying to figure out why!

OP posts:
roundtable · 05/02/2017 20:29

Mine are 5 and 4 and we've had a nice relaxed day at home as dh was at work. However, it rarely happens and they were so tired. Thankfully they tend to get on rather than not so it's been alright.

But, I will say it's not really that relaxing- it's just much better than it used to be. It feels like I'm constantly getting drinks, meals, cutting up bloody cucumber and carrot. Plus I need to do my work and the ironing and dinner etc. It's still easier than having 2 babies though. I see the future...Grin

m0therofdragons · 05/02/2017 20:30

The transition is weird. My dc are dd1 8 and dtds are 5. Since twins reached 5 I occasionally feel redundant after school pick up. Dds playing, dinner in oven, what do I do? I sat and read 4 chapters of a book! I felt guilty the first time. I'm getting used to it but it's still odd 😄

RainbowBriteRules · 05/02/2017 20:30

Yes, if I leave the kids to it there can be physical fights. Obviously cannot ignore that. YY to the 3 year old demolishing lego. And yes, my three year old will usually tell me when she needs the toilet. If in a park with no toilets then that is not exactly relaxing. Manageable of course but not remotely relaxing.

Totally agree it depends on your definition. My true definition of relaxing is sitting on my own watching rubbish telly without having to referee or make conversation Grin. Not exactly the same as a weekend with DC. Fun, sometimes, lovely at times yes, but rarely relaxing.

RainbowBriteRules · 05/02/2017 20:32

Didn 't mean that to sound stroppy against you allow by the way, hope it didn't come across that way. Genuinely interested in any tips you or anyone who does find it relaxing has.

hazeyjane · 05/02/2017 20:33

We have a 10, 9 and 6 year old. 6 year old ds is disabled and very demanding in lots of ways - the juggle to keep ds happy while making sure the dds are ok (ds can be really demanding of them too!) is pretty far from relaxing.

In an hours time they will be asleep and dh and I will dribble slightly for half an hour before falling asleep....this is the relaxing bit of the day!

honeylulu · 05/02/2017 20:33

I agree OP. I always say I have to go to work for a rest.
We all eat together at the weekends but it's not "lovely/relaxing" for me.There's moaning, whingeing, demands, toddler keeps running off. I could cry with frustration and it ruins my appetite. Makes me think I'm doing it all wrong.
I've commented on other posts about how envious I am of people
whose children want to have pyjama days and snuggle on the sofa watching films. Mine go berserk in the house so it's a constant challenge to get them out and tire them out! And there is a big age gap so usually husband takes the eldest and I take the youngest to appropriate activities separately. What family time? Lol.

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 05/02/2017 20:33

RainbowBriteRules- yes- perfect summary. Defintitely not saying it is awful having kids, or no pleasure in it etc, but relaxing? no. I always feel as though I am on duty, and that is just the kids. Add to that all the housework, chores etc.

I think my DH and I both secretly agree that the household chores are easier than looking after the kids and taking time out to cook or clean while the other one is on kid duty is actually weirdly the far more relaxing job. (I'm sure that will change as they get older though)

OP posts:
EyeStye · 05/02/2017 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

formerbabe · 05/02/2017 20:37

But former babe, surely they will tell you if they are hungry or thirsty or need the toilet?

Of course...But two children requesting drinks, snacks and trips to the loo is not my idea of relaxing.

Jojobythesea · 05/02/2017 20:39

Exactly the same as lilacpeony.. 8 & 11 yo DS's and it's all been pretty chilled when we want it to be for what seems like forever but is probably a couple of years now. It gets soooo much easier pretty soon after the age of yours. SmileFlowersWine

Sunbeam18 · 05/02/2017 20:39

Totally agree. I have a 3.5 year old. Can't imagine when it will ever get relaxing as he has no siblings to play with.

FritzDonovan · 05/02/2017 20:40

I agree OP. Have done a lot of solo parenting in my time and it has gotten easier over time, but still don't get an uninterrupted chunk of time when the kids are entertaining themselves. They still like me to play with them (esp 6yr old) and come to me for food/drink..even when dad is around. Not relaxing!

Original poster
deliverdaniel · 05/02/2017 20:40

honeylulu YY to the meal thing, and the feeling of always thinking you must be doing something wrong. Which gets compounded by going on mumsnet and hearing all about the 'relaxing' that everyone else seems to be doing with their kids!

Thank you everyone for your kind words of support btw- it is makign a huge difference knowing I am not alone in this!

OP posts:
SansaClegane · 05/02/2017 20:41

We do get glimpses of the 'relaxing family time' already. Like this morning - DH and I drinking coffee and reading the paper, while the older two played Pokemon monopoly and the little one played with his wooden train set. We were all in the same room, mind you, so there was a certain degree of supervision Grin and the odd shouted reminder not to squabble and play nicely! It still felt quite peaceful and relaxing. Mine are 3, 5 and 7 now.

ghostyslovesheets · 05/02/2017 20:42

no they have older ones - (although mine have been really niggly with each other today)

Mine are 8,12 and 14 and 8 will entertain herself quiet happily, 12 and 14 sleep most of the weekend - emerging only to eat, have cuddles, bitch about each other, eat all the food and drink all the pop - I get to lie in, drink tea and read

That said they are also a lot more fun to do stuff with and they make really good cookies and fudge (thanks girls) - they also made tea tonight

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