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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if you're one of the older members of a large family you ever stop and think

572 replies

PlayOnWurtz · 05/02/2017 12:33

No more kids please mum and dad!

How much were you expected to do to support them?

OP posts:
WonkoTheSane42 · 05/02/2017 16:43

My aunt has 12 kids and I don't think it' a coincidence that the eldest 4 have no children themselves. I think they've all had enough of raising children. Even the younger ones have no more than 2 if they have any at all.

Sallystyle · 05/02/2017 16:49

I grew up next to a family that had 13 kids- all adults now.
Several have had no kids, the others have had only one or two kids.

That speaks volumes.

No it doesn't. Perhaps they couldn't afford a big family. These days people can't. Unless you know the reasons why people with a lot of siblings only have two themselves you can't assume it was because they hated being from a large family. People might have enjoyed their childhood but didn't want to be pregnant that many times themselves, or their partner didn't want a large family.

LoveMyLittleSuperhero · 05/02/2017 16:49

My uncle had 11 (1st aunt passed so bit of a gap between them), 2 have 4 kids (one soon to be five), three have 2, three has 1, one has none, and the other 2 aren't old enough to have kids just yet! They all love it and go on about how having a big family is the best and how they all want lots of kids.
I have one sibling, and I hated it. I love my db now but I resented him when I was younger. I had to look after him all the time from a fairly young age, he was ill a lot so I often felt pushed out. Like he was the golden child and I didn't matter. When I hit my teens I had to baby sit all the time and missed tuns of events because my parents needed someone to look after him.
Dp is middle child of 5 and wants 2 but no more.
We have one dd with me and one who passed, and if I'm honest (and dp knows this) I think that is enough for me. Dd will always be the first in line for my time without me having to push any other children aside. I think that's the way I want it after my childhood. Each to their own!

steamboatwilly123 · 05/02/2017 16:56

I have 5 from age 19-3, the eldest doesn't babysit the younger ones, he has his own life, college, job, etc..... Showing no signs of moving out either (same for his 17 year old brother) which I would assume would be his first move if he hated it here.
My 5 and 10 year olds are top of their classes in maths and literacy, which I put down to the time we spend helping with homework.
Its not a given that elder siblings are the ones who take all the hard work out of having a larger family, its a concept I find quite bizarre actually Hmm
Incidentally, I'm an only child and I wouldn't wish that on anyone, especially when it comes to being the only one to take the burden of caring for elderly parents.

Sallystyle · 05/02/2017 16:59

Although I suspect you might as well just bang your head against a wall U2.
Large families are looked down on by MN.

They most certainly are. God helps the person who dares say it is lonely being an only child though, or make assumptions about their childhood.

My kids are all well loved, polite and well mannered. My teens are awesome and so far (touch wood) have been in no trouble. They don't want for attention, most of the time if I ask to spend one on one time with them they ask if their siblings can come. It's noisy, they argue but they are the best of friends as well. I never set out to have a big family actually but I'm glad I did because it is awesome and my children aren't suffering and they aren't parenting for me. They probably do less housework than most children do because I'm too soft with it.

Three of them just come in from playing football together and have now gone up to watch TV together. The other two have been playing together all day and didn't want to do anything with me. They are not suffering in any way from having a lot of siblings.

starsorwater · 05/02/2017 16:59

Eldest of 4 in very small house. No spare money, no privacy ever, worked out at primary school that the only quiet space was inside my head. Expected to grow up very early, horrible horrible teenage years when was completely replaced in parents' affection by cute younger siblings. No much fun for anyone and only 2 pairs of grandchildren between the 4 of us.

sycamore54321 · 05/02/2017 16:59

My mum is one of seven, one had three children, the others two, one or none.

I think large families mean you need to work harder to parent well, a lot harder. Everyone only has the same 24 hours in a day and the more that gets spread, the more challenging it is. Of course there are some wonderfully happy large families with excellent parents but I think larger families are far more likely to need exceptionally good parenting, as opposed to just 'good enough' parenting for smaller clans, to allow the children feel the same level of support.

I think there is probably also a difference in the enormous families of previous generations - someone mentioned the Irish Catholic examples above - which were very little to do with choice, and the large families that some people choose to have nowadays. I do believe there is a tipping point of 'too many' children where resources but most importantly time and attention becomes too diluted. That point will vary between families but it does exist and when it is surpassed, the children can suffer.

hoddtastic · 05/02/2017 17:01

nobody (or very few) can afford a big family on an average wage unless independently wealthy/living off tax credits and family allowance.

(to U2 has the edge)

ten kids, how many bedrooms and what car etc. do you have? How do you go on holiday etc.?

What activity do all kids of all ages enjoy at 'family time' ?

waits for anecdotes of dog walks with 12 cherub cheeked kids aged 2 - 20 all having a lovely Von Trapp'ish trip out amidst the rolling hills

Iamastonished · 05/02/2017 17:04

" God helps the person who dares say it is lonely being an only child though, or make assumptions about their childhood."

I think being an only can be lonely. Due to infertility issues and DD's precarious health when she was a baby she was always going to be an only. Ideally she would have had a sibling - yes a sibling, but it didn't happen.

I found the teenage years very stressful and really couldn't have coped with it multiple times.

Sallystyle · 05/02/2017 17:08

ten kids, how many bedrooms and what car etc. do you have? How do you go on holiday etc.?

What activity do all kids of all ages enjoy at 'family time' ?

I have five kids, not ten, so can't speak for them.

We don't go on holiday much no. Neither did I when it was just my mum and two siblings because we couldn't afford to. It didn't bother me. They would have been nice but not going on holiday a lot doesn't make for a bad childhood.

Well, all my children of all ages enjoy watching films, playing games and just hanging out together.

I can't say there aren't downsides, of course there are. There are downsides to every family size I'm sure. It's just not all doom and gloom and hardship and my children aren't lacking in attention.

Like I said, I never planned to have five children but I do a bloody good job of it.

Sallystyle · 05/02/2017 17:13

I found the teenage years very stressful and really couldn't have coped with it multiple times.

I have three teens and I am really enjoying this stage. My eldest is nearly 18 and he has never caused us any trouble. They have all gone through the mouthy attitude stage but come out of it quickly (one still has time to go through it again)

It's the 2-3 year old stage I found the hardest.

JaniceBattersby · 05/02/2017 17:14

We earn £40k between us (before tax) and have four kids. We go on holidays, have a large car (VW Touran), have nice stuff (although we're not really 'stuff' people, not bothered about big TV's, fancy clothes or brand names particularly).

I think it's perfectly doable on an average wage. We have a large house (5 bed, 4 reception rooms) so plenty of room for everyone. My children are always very clean and tidy, well-fed, are doing excellently at school, play instruments, go to clubs, we go on family days out every weekend (forest, park, cafes etc)

I was one of eight and we had all this growing up (although my parents were considerably less well-off than we are now). Out of eight of us, six got straight As at a-level. We all play a musical instrument to grade eight level.
I think it's very much a case of what type of parent you are, not how many kids you have.

Expecting an older sibling to look after your children or do an excessive amount of housework to facilitate your lifestyle is shit parenting however many kids you have.

AndNowItsSeven · 05/02/2017 17:15

I have 7dc our family income is 100k plus our dc attend plenty of activities and do no housework other than the usual tidy the room, sort their own laundry etc.
This thread is very discriminatory.

FineLookingHighHorse · 05/02/2017 17:19

Being an only child isnt lonely as a child.

As an adult the reverse is true; which is where I suspect large families with lots of aunts/uncles/cousins and lots of hands to help with elderly parents/support with loss of parents really come in to their own.

miserablesod · 05/02/2017 17:19

I don't insist that my children are happy magicChicken. I ask them, you know by spending time with them and talking to them. I watch them, they are always happy, smiling and talkative. I don't need to insist anything. Teachers tell me how happy my children are. My children know they can talk to me about anything and they do, the only thing that makes them unhappy is other peoples nasty little brats at school. You know those really happy well brought up kids from smaller families Hmm

JaniceBattersby · 05/02/2017 17:20

This thread is very discriminatory

Isn't it just. I think when it comes down to it, people find large families unpalatable because it's traditionally what 'poor people' do. No matter how many people come along and say that their children are happy, well-adjusted and well-cared for, there will be people who come along here who think they know your children better than you.

MargaretCavendish · 05/02/2017 17:23

My children know they can talk to me about anything and they do, the only thing that makes them unhappy is other peoples nasty little brats at school. You know those really happy well brought up kids from smaller families

What an unbiased, objective assessment this seems to be!

miserablesod · 05/02/2017 17:26

The thing is there are so many judgemental people that like to poke their noses in where it isn't wanted. So many bitter people and others that are just plain horrible and rude with their comments. I've learnt to grow a thick skin, as have my children, which is quite sad really.

My eldest says to me when we're out "oh look mum we're famous" when yet another rude stranger is counting us, pointing at us or making rude remarks to whoever they are with. I might start doing the same because it appears its socially acceptable to discriminate against large families.

miserablesod · 05/02/2017 17:27

Anit like what happens about large families no margaretcabendish 🙄

Iamastonished · 05/02/2017 17:28

"I have three teens and I am really enjoying this stage. My eldest is nearly 18 and he has never caused us any trouble"

It isn't trouble so much as bullying, friendship issues, depression, anxiety, CAMHS referrals. Maybe my case is more difficult than most.

I didn't want to come across as discriminatory, but I just wouldn't have wanted to have lots of children. I find the drudgery involved with a large family - running children around to parties and activities, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing (yes OH does his fair share as well) etc is a massive negative for me.

It doesn't help that I didn't start reproducing until I was 41 and had had over 20 years of selfish adult life before becoming a parent.

Iamastonished · 05/02/2017 17:31

So what I mean to say to parents of larger families is rather you than me. And no doubt you would say the same back to me Smile

TataEs · 05/02/2017 17:41

my family are irish catholic and branches grew up poor with 8+ kids.
the siblings who are 1 of 10 loved it. all of them only ever tell of fond memories.
the others vary.
my grandfather was one of 7 and hated it, but they were so poor, no mother, alcoholic father, he was working full time on a farm age 11. they raised each other completely, how the youngest survived i'll never know, no heating, always hungry... so it was a miserable childhood anyway.

as an only child i have quite romantic ideas about large families and sharing a room and whatnot... i think ultimately different never a of siblings suit different people.

hobnobsaremyfavourite · 05/02/2017 17:42

Bloody hell I have clearly ruined my dc's lives by having four Hmm
When I see them together, as I did the other day when I got in from work early, pratting around together in fits of laughter.
When ds1 takes ds2 for a late night maccy d's.
When ds3 and dd went together with their pocket money at christmas and bought gorgeous thoughtful little presents for the family.
When ds1 chooses to buy dd who is almost ten years his junior a ticket to watch a sports fixture and take her with him because he wants to.
Yeah screwed them totally
Yes there are fights and bickering but I would not change it for the world
I was the youngest of three but so much younger my childhood was very lonely.
Shit relationships with my siblings.
Jeez I wouldn't say how fucking tedious to have two or how bloody selfish to have one
We all pitch in in our house, dh and i both work full time
Angry sorry but some of the posts on this thread are Confused

Mindtrope · 05/02/2017 17:44

My OH was one of 8 and hated it.

Very well off, public school, almost no memories of his parents.

MothersRuinart · 05/02/2017 17:49

Some people here commenting that they come from a large family as they were one of four or five kids....on what scale is that a large family?