To wonder if you're one of the older members of a large family you ever stop and think

[PlayOnWurtz]

No more kids please mum and dad!

How much were you expected to do to support them?

4 isn't really a large family though is it? Pretty standard. 5+ is big no?

My dad has a very large family, 9 siblings, nearly all of them have just one child. Except my parents who had 8, and I'm the oldest. I loved it and hated it, I moved out quickly for my own sanity. I was expected to do a lot, but I think that made me grow up responsible. A completely unfettered childhood leads to entitled adults, it's good to have something to do, accomplish, someone counting on you every day. It's hard to get the balance right though, raising responsible children who also have time to have fun.

It isn't trouble so much as bullying, friendship issues, depression, anxiety, CAMHS referrals. Maybe my case is more difficult than most.

I have two children with mild SN and one has been under CAMHS. I do agree that the problems are much bigger and worrying as they age. Sounds like you have been through a lot I didn't think you were being discriminatory at all :)

People clearly have had bad experiences coming from large families but there is nothing to say they wouldn't have felt similar if they had less siblings. A lot of it is down to how the parents handle it.

I can't say my kids are happy to come from a large family because according to some it's an unbiased assessment. So, we can't really win can we? Three of them have had a tough time due to losing their dad and we are a very open family and very honest, we had to be to get through it. We have spoken about how they feel being a part of a large family and when they say they are happy I believe them.

We have a busy house full of love and everyone is clean, in uniform, doing their homework and getting love. Sorry if that doesn't fit in with some people's perceptions.

I'm from a really large family. Possibly identifying given all the other info about me on MN... Suffice to say it's massive.

I wouldnt really think of 4 children as being particularly large. Age gaps make a difference to the dynamic too.e.g I have a friend with four, but they are two much older than the younger two, so its more like shes parenting two again, rather than four at once.
The question of the thread was about peoples own experiences of growing up in large families. People have responded with their own experiences and honest feelings.
Of course some larger families can be brilliant, but I agree with whoever said that it takes a LOT more work to parent a lot of kids well. And not every parent of multiple siblings ever has been able or inclined to put that level of work in.
And, because those of us who grew up in bigger families know full well how much work is needed, many of us have actively decided against having that many kids ourselves.
I don't really think the posters who have bigger families themselves should take these recounted experiences as a personal insult.

I'm one of five, DH one of seven (I'm the middle child, DH the eldest), I think we both have very positive experiences of being from larger families.

We only have two DCs though as we didn't meet until we were 31 and I had a few miscarriages after DD so decided to call it a day on the conception front. I do feel like I'm missing out on the big family I grew up in but it's lovely when everyone gets together (DH and I love all our inlaws strangely enough!).

Coming from an Irish family I really don't see an issue with 4/5 kids. As mentioned earlier in the thread though my DF was one of 16 and they were in real poverty. DM was one of 8 and her DM took in lodgers as well - lodgers got the best of the food and the kids got leftovers.

Dad remembers him and siblings being washed in something like a conveyor belt of older sisters - one to strip the child, one to wash the child and one to dry the child. Most of those girls left at 16 as did my dad actually. My GM would tell you herself that she spent most of 20 years being pregnant and half the kids being raised elsewhere.

Those that raise their children, have time, money and energy for their larger family shouldn't be criticized IMO.

I think IfNotNow has put it very well.

I don't really think the posters who have bigger families themselves should take these recounted experiences as a personal insult.

I don't take people's personal accounts as an insult, if people hated being raised in a large family then that is fair enough. However, there has been plenty of assumptions and snide remarks made.

Hobnobs i don't think anyone is referring to a family with 4 kids. That's not a large family.

I think 6+ is getting into the large scale.

I think critical mass where you have to start expecting older siblings to pitch in is when it's just too much work for one or two adults-say 10+, the cooking, washing and cleaning for that amount of kids must be more than a full time job. That's when it gets to the point where you're too busy with the basics to give quality attention, and the older ones would have to help.

Not saying it's always the case, but unless you're rich enough for a massive house and staff, it must be all but impossible to juggle.

I don't think it's fair to say people on this thread are being discriminatory, I think they're just giving their opinions to the OP, which was asking what older children thought of their parents having lots of kids :)

Your large families I'm sure are great if that works for you, I wouldn't take other peoples' negative experiences as a personal slight on your own circumstances, because it is true that not everyone feels positively about being from a large family.

I am the youngest of 4 and try as I might now I have my own DD, I just don't like to see my siblings very much. In childhood, I bonded well with my oldest sister who was 7 years older than me but as adults (from her early teen years really) we have taken very, very different life paths and I have no respect for her. I hated my brothers growing up. There was no space or privacy or peace in the house. And we had a SAHP and a good income and it still didn't make up for the fact I didn't enjoy having siblings much. When I was very little having a SAHP was wonderful but at that point I genuinely don't remember my siblings being around, it was like being an only child (in my fond memories)

As a result of this I want DD to either be an only child or have a large-ish 5 - 6 year age gap between the next one, and I would never have more than 2. I also want to have my own life and time, and to have the time and money to have the experiences I want us to have. I don't want to put my body through 4 or 5 pregnancies either , or never get out of the early years while I am young.

But that's my opinion based on my own childhood, it doesn't mean I look down on people who choose to have larger families. The only reason I would do that is if you clearly can't care for them financially or emotionally. I do think that having kids isn't just about how many you want as it's such a big commitment and it is important to consider the impact it would have on them and not just your own wishes. (Not aimed at anyone)

My mum was one of nine and has often said she loved it. I'm one of four. Out of her siblings she has one who has no children, three who have two, four (including herself) that have four children and one who has six. I am due my third child, older sister has two and my brothers have none. One brother single and one only been with his partner a year, both in their 20s so who knows!

As a parent with an only, I think they get a much worse press than big families do! But maybe that's because we're all a bit defensive of our choices/circumstances so notice negatives that could be aimed at us more?

I'm the eldest of 3 and definitely felt I had to be the responsible one which did piss me off. I agree it's more about the parenting than the family size, in both directions!

Sorry cross posted with a lot of posters who said similar to what I said

I am the eldest of a large family and my parents also worked full time. I look back now in awe of how they coped. We were not well off but we never went without love or attention, we had holidays, days out and did extra curricular stuff. The best thing about being part of a large family is that you are never lonely or bored as there is always someone to hang out with. That is still true to this day.

As the eldest I did have to babysit quite a bit after school or at weekends if my parents worked but I offered to do it and I was rewarded financially. Ok so sometimes I couldn't hangout with boys in the park at the weekends but knowing what my friends got up to, that was probably a good thing. It taught me responsibility and self reliance, skills many of my peers didn't have until their 20s.

I chose not to have a large family for financial reasons. I simply could never afford to replicate my childhood and I've always believed you should only have as many as you can afford.

Agree 4/5 children isn't a large family. 5 is getting there but 4 nowhere near.

There is discrimination though, but I think IME at least, it's related to a desperate attempt at regaining control over ones life (from the church)

My gran was very proud of having 4 children (considered to be a small family in the 1950s) it showed her and her husband had displine and respect . Showed that they had the control not to be at it like rabbits all the time and he didn't insist on his marital rights regardless. Having only 4 children over a marriage in which there was no contraception showed great disipline. 8,9,10 children were for the dirty whores who can't help themselves. Sadly this wasn't even her at her worst.

I recall a neighbor who was told
By doctors she would die if she had more children. She didn't. Her husband was thought of as a good
Man for not making her continue regardless.

Obviously that's very outdated (my gran has been dead 30 years) but I think there is still some
Of that feeling about.

My friend is one of 8, she was with her husband for 15 years before they had their first child, she was always certain she wanted children but intended to stick to 2 and this is what has happened so far.

I don't know how parents of lots of DC do it.

I mean I'm super energetic and love kids and young people. But just how?

Kids take up so much time. And energy. And mental space.

We've six so reasonably large. Lots of friends with 5 plus children. Ours all,like having lots of siblings, all get along and see each other separately from seeing us. Still want 'family' holidays (although that may be around us funding it). All say they want at least four children. Our friends children are the same - all want largish families.

My Grandmother was the eldest of 15. She purposely didn't have children until she was nearly 30, and then only one, and we think she only did that out of a sense of duty. To hear her tell her story it was clear that the youngest sibling felt to her like her own son and her responsibilities for the others was beyond reason.

GetAHaircut

I completely agree! I was broody for ages before I had my DD, consider myself a really maternal girl and love my DP to bits, so always assumed we would have a little clutch of kids. Now I've had DD she is my world, but....more?toddlers?? how?

There were four of us and yes probably two too many. I have many grim memories of spending summers being responsible for (and being whalloped if anything untoward happened to) small boys. I never wanted dcs, though ended up capitulating at 40 (though now am glad I did). Have two which is largely sufficient.

I am one of 7 (number 2) and love it. Did a lot of babysitting, my younger sister (number 3) probably did a lot more babysitting and as far as i know we both just got on with it, and are grateful for the opportunity to learn about babies and children and fun and cleaning amd cooking etc. I have never related to when people say 'argh 'adulting' I feel like a kid still!!' And I think this is partly due to coming from a large family, and helping out in the house and in running day to day life. I also feel we are all pretty independent and resilient.

So far 3 of us have our own children. My older brother has 5. I have had 3 so far (not sure about more... it might happen, might not). My sister has 1. Not sure her plans. I don't think any of us have been put off having large families. We had a blast! By far the happiest childhood I know of. Had ishoos in my teens and moved out young, but not related to the number of children. My parents had time for us. It was lovely.

On MN anything more than 2 children seems to be verging into large family territory. The large family board is full of "thinking of a 3rd child"

Anyway I have 4 and my eldest dc made it clear that they would be very upset if there was another dc. I found 4 very easy when they were young (I had 4 under 7) but now they are older it is much harder and in honesty I feel that 4 is a lot (although hasten to add I wouldn't be without any of them)

You can have all the money, space and resources but you can never buy time. Help and support with homework alone seems to dominate the week. The younger ones seem to need to make a viking diorama/pirate ship from clothes pegs/clay Egyptian mummy on a weekly basis. I want them all to feel supported in their education but it can be very tiring. That is before after school activities even start.....there is something on everyday and at times I feel that I spend more time in the car than at home. Mine fight but are generally close which is great.

When I hear of the families with 12+ kids I am half in awe and half incredulous. I really can't see how they would get enough attention and parental support, but then again everyone has different standards.

My mum 7. I'm the eldest and wanted her to stop before my brother was born (second eldest)

I only babysat when it suited me so if I needed money for the weekend. I wasn't expected to raise them.

Even now I'm 26 and my youngest sibling is 5 and mum won't ask me to babysit. I have to tell her to have a night out and force it