To wonder if you're one of the older members of a large family you ever stop and think

[PlayOnWurtz]

No more kids please mum and dad!

How much were you expected to do to support them?

The privacy thing always mind boggles me. I was one of three, had two brothers but still didn't have any privacy because they always barged into my room. Didn't have anyone to talk to as my parents worked full time and were too busy/tired/or out.

My home is run better. Theres routine, theres structure, its not chaotic, its not loud and its not untidy.

I've only got four kids but I'm very slim and have no issues with my pelvic floor etc, no stretch marks, no 'mum tum.'

I'm always on the go so maybe that helps (mine are all under 6...)

I'm also from a v Irish Catholic town in the NW of England. It's still very Catholic now. Four kids was normal, six was verging on large and mine, at eight was the largest. (This was in the 1990s) I have nothing negative to say about my childhood really. We all get on famously. My parents were fantastic and would have been wonderful had they had one child or a dozen. That's the difference really, isn't it? Not the number of children. I mean, shit parenting will be exacerbated by a large number of children, but in my experience, it's not the cause of shit parenting (and I'm talking modern day, not 1920s Ireland with no contraception or choice in the matter)

My DP is the youngest of 5 and liked it. The eldest a boy, disliked it, He wasn't expected to do childcare, but felt over looked.

What kind of help should we be buying in wanttobe ?

Im perplexed by your comment. We get by without even a cleaner with our five DC and one Sahp.

I had my fifth nine weeks ago and im back in a size ten at five foot nine.

Five c sections too so my pelvic floor is wonderfully unscathed

I'm number 2 of 4 and DH is the eldest of 4. We both have great relationships with our siblings and loved being part of a larger than average family. We only have 2 ourselves but this is through circumstance, not because we didn't like having siblings. I suppose it might be different if there were a dozen of us.

My Dh is one of eight kids. He's the 3rd child and had a very difficult childhood. Always having to help out with the younger ones and his job to chop logs for the fire, every night in all weathers. And he says his parents were always miserable and shouting
No time to play or just have fun and no money until he left home.

I'm one of six and number 4. I am also the first daughter. All of us were very much wanted. Money and food was tight growing up but I enjoyed being with my siblings and my parents smothered us in love.
Dh has always said he never wanted a big family and now he's older, has very little to do with his family. When we married he said maximum two kids as he never wanted our kids to go without.
It makes me sad when he tells me stories of his childhood compared to mine

We have 7 children. They all do chores but they would have to if there were only 2 of them. The older ones have babysat but I have always asked first and if they couldn't do it then fair enough. I would never expect them to stay in or change their plans for me.
We are pretty structured, no chaos here, it would drive me mad.
Kids are all well behaved and mostly doing well at school or did well at school.
I am a slim and make an effort to look nice. I've been told that I don't look like I have that many children ( I think I am supposed to look old and haggard :) )
Oh and DH is in a job that requires him to work away a lot so I've done most of it on my own. Never bought in any help, not sure why that is a necessity.
We have big house too so it's not too crowded. We are just a normal family with a few extra people in it.
I'm not sure why other people get to have an opinion on this really!

I'm the eldest of 8. I feel that we all have issues related to lack of attention - we are all attention seekers in our own way,plus one has mental health problems, two alcoholics, anger management problems and lots of other stuff. I was made to look after the children, never got any privacy as we only had a 3 bed house! Now I have two (quite late), it's more than enough. Not only do I take my hat off on one hand to my mother for coping at all, I also see how it was impossible to give us all attention.

I'm the oldest of 6 kids, with a 3 year gap between me and the others. Yes, definitely wished they would work out what caused it (having kids) and stop it! I was expected to do lots of the childcare and chores, and was constantly told I was old enough to .../ too old for.... etc. I also resented having all my books and toys passed down the line. We actually split into 2 or 3 groupings so there was no 'big happy family' feeling. None of us has more than two kids each.

And I really relate to what idontneedanotherhero said^^

Oldest of 4, youngest 14 years younger. I didn't actually mind helping to look after babies that much. Sometimes it was fun. Sometimes it was a right pain in the rear. It's certainly an experience many people don't get the chance to have. But you didn't get asked to look after younger ones back then, it was assumed you did, and parents yelled at you for being selfish, inconsiderate and arrogant etc etc if you didn't. I was also expected to get high academic results with the other hand and always had to sort myself out with no support myself, definitely the least valued person in the family and nothing was ever good enough. No privacy of course. It's nice to hear I'm not the only person who had issues with the expectations.

I left at 18 and have had as little connection with parents -and children for many years - as possible.

I am one of 7 and I have 2 and will not have any more.

Not because of my childhood but financially, mentally and physically couldn't.

Just asked my dd (1 of five) whether she likes being from a 'big' family. She said "yes most of the time cos I'm never bored - I always have someone to play with". My kids are brilliant, confident, sociable, kind. An absolute credit to me and their dad (I often get people who know us complimenting them). By contrast I was the youngest of 3, my siblings were 10 and 11 yrs older than me and I remember often feeling lonely and bored as a child. I think this was as much to do with the neglect of my parents as anything else.

The number of kids you have bears little impact on their happiness/future success - it's down to the parenting Imo. If you're going to be good parents you will be just that whether you have 1 child or 6.

Culture has changed over the last few decades (now there's perception ). Children in the generation before me, at least in the lower classes, were expected to work to support their families: now children pretty much expect to be supported until their 30s thanks to low pay and vastly inflated living costs. That might explain some of the conflict between the pros and cons of large families.

FineLookingHighHorse During the early years, having 3-4 DC aged 5/6 and could be tough if you are a SAHP. I have 3DC's who are 5 and under and work FT so everyone is out of the house all day. If I stayed home I would need a cleaner in every two weeks as my middle child takes up an awful lot of my time (ASD diagnosis).

If your DC are more spread out and the elder ones are able to do chores then I agree you don't need the additional help. I think families where the DC have no chores is an unhealthy as a families where DC so many chores they can't complete their homework. Once all DC are in schools there is absolutely no need at all to have help. The DC can get some of the housework done between them, just as DC in a smaller family should be doing the same.

This is such an interesting thread.

Do parents of larger families discuss increasing having more children with the older children? And do you think they should?

I was one of 3 (only girl) from Ireland in the 70s/80s this was considered small (most of my friends were from families of 5/6/7 & I always felt jealous of them. Thought they looked like they had more fun & especially those who had sisters. We have 3 & we had our 2nd dd when our ds & did were 9 & 7 & sofar they are crazy about their little sister & I have to admit am happy my dd 1 has a sister as I never had one can only hope they'll get on when they adults!!!

I am technically one of 5 (middle child) although was brought up as the eldest of two, with a 2 year gap.

Although we had 'family days out' on a Sunday, I didn't get much in the way of love and affection. All that went to my sister.

So in terms of bringing up my children differently that's the main one. I certainly have never demanded my oldest look after her sister (7 year gap) but she's a lovely teen and has babysat for me a few times over the last couple of years.

I had a friend who had 5 dc. The youngest has disabilities and with only 13 months between 4th and 5th, the 4th child really didn't get much attention at all. The oldest shouts loudest and gets the most. The youngest also gets whatever he wants. The oldest girl (second child) is mum's favourite so she gets spoilt. Children 3 and 4 are massively neglected in terms of attention and time. It's a pretty horrible set up. The youngest has trashed everything in the other dc's rooms so no toys at all. Youngest has an ipad, children 2, 3 and 4 got cheap tablets which don't work properly. Everything is based round the oldest child and the youngest child although that seems to be changing and it's all about the youngest. I feel incredibly sorry for child 4 who is a lovely kid but is just screaming for attention and affection.

I think that it's not too difficult to be a "good enough parent" to one or two DC (absent specific problems like health issues, SEN or poverty). But being a good enough parent to six or more clearly requires more - purely in terms of keeping track of all their individual different practical and emotional needs.

misswiggy I completely agree with you. It's down to the parenting. I have said about the mum of 5 but I also know a mum of 7 who is brilliant. All her kids do activities, she always has time for them all. But it's down to her being a good mum. Personally I couldn't cope with 7 but she seems to take it in her stride. Whereas the mum of five who favours the youngest to the detriment of all the rest really isn't a great mum.

I'm glad I only had 2. My dp also has 2 so between us we have four girls. One is living with her bf and has a good job. One has just gone to uni and the other two are both doing well at school. It's just constant worrying the older they get, I think it would be easier when they were younger but dealing with all the teen issues is just so hard!!

No time to RTFT right now but I'm the eldest of a large family.
I have 2 and I am stopping there. Plus I'm ancient.
I was expected to do a LOT. Cook, clean, homework, babysit, get good grades, amazing amounts of housework with an OCD dad.
Mostly, I prayed they would see the light, stop having kids and buy me a pony but it was never to be. Stick with what you know was clearly a mantra.
From time to time I pass comment and my husband is horrified. He is one of two and clearly thinks it was all borderline child abuse that we were expected to do so much. I don't really care that much. I had a lot of freedom due to the scarcity of attention. 😉
The real downside for me is the total absence of any sort of sibling relationship. I spent so much time in loco parentis that it's taken about 15 yrs to stop telling them what to do and offering unwanted and highly dictatorial "advice".

So if you have a large family. Suck up your choices and don't make any one of your kids responsible for anyone else ever.

I was one of two growing up and hated it. My sister and I hated each other and ended up ignoring each other in order to keep the peace. I would watch two friends from large families (five children) and be so envious as they always seemed to be getting on, having a great time and there was just a warmth about their homes.

So I have five children. My sister has four children. (We get on fine now though will never be close).

As far as I know my children have no complaints about being one of five. Perhaps the most they would say is they don't get as much computer access as they would like, but that in my view is a good thing. They make a great team, they all get on well. Can only remember one argument in their entire lives. They each have their own bedroom, they've each done all the extra activities they've wanted to, they've only done minimal amounts of 'baby-sitting' and never for young children (probably minimum age 7ish) as the oldest is only ten years older than the youngest. They do a few chores but I would expect any child to do some chores. And we have great family times. Would not change it in a million years and recommend it to anyone that asks.

Agree with Dragonclass.

Altimate I totally see where you are coming from! It's very hard now to give two children the attention they deserve, though I hope I manage it! Any more and I would lose my grip completely. You just can't have lots of children and simultaneously let them be children. It's not possible and I don't care which current parent of many says it is, because they are wrong. Show me a mother who is one of 8 siblings who has gone on to have 8 children? I bet they are rarer than hens teeth!