To wonder if you're one of the older members of a large family you ever stop and think

[PlayOnWurtz]

No more kids please mum and dad!

How much were you expected to do to support them?

"It can be surprisingly lonely in a big family."

• this is a good summary of my experience. I'm one of 9, second eldest. More importantly, eldest girl, followed by loads of boys.

Looking back now, around the age of 30 (with 3 kids of my own), I think my parents did an amazing job. My mum particularly supported us well, in her way - she came to everything we were involved in (football matches, concerts, etc), and tried to give each of us time, and was very involved in savings and investments to support us in the future.

It was so, SO hard, though. I remember having a happy initial childhood up to age 7-9 or so, but that may just be the freedom of that age! And there weren't many of us at that point! (4/5.) I know I was changing nappies from the age of 8. I was very involved with childcare, although I did love 'helping out.' I wasn't required to babysit that much but was relied on to just 'be there' quite a lot e.g so mum could go to the shops/pick up some child or other, etc.

Now, I think I probably helped out so much because I was becoming starved of attention. Until I had kids myself, I sought out kids for company. I needed people around me who would talk to me (but not judge!). Into my teenage years I struggled immensely. Very lonely, depression, and more.

I missed being at home when I was away, but when I was there (or at least downstairs - luckily we had a good-sized house) things were always extremely fraught. I could never have a conversation with my mum. Every 5 seconds (I'm being generous, here) someone would butt in, or she would have to say something to a sibling walking past. It was a bit of a limbo - needing to talk or be with people, but hating being downstairs - I lived in my room. Being with a small child for company helped me to feel less alone.

Fairly recently she mentioned to me that one time she was going through a miscarriage and I was moaning about not having had any tea (food was extremely haphazard in our house and I still have an unhealthy relationship with it). I was flabbergasted that a) she hadn't told me, as I must have been mid teens at the time and would have taken over cooking/tucked her up in blankets/made her a cuppa! and b) that despite the situation she didn't really put us or herself first... Long story hard to explain!

My parents were great with us in that they taught us well, enabled us to do things we wanted to do, etc. I resented not having new clothes (always my brother's clothes or random awful hand-me-downs) but my mum would say "that's why we have money to send you on that £900 school trip" etc which I guessed was true, but still didn't like it.

I love having lots of siblings now that we don't live together, although we don't catch up much and Christmas is manic if we get together which we usually do. I had kids after a couple of years of leaving home to fill the void I felt living with only one other person - so boring! We have 3 (inc twins) and that is PLENTY and also nearly killed me, so no way would we have any more. Always said I'd never inflict a massive family on my kids though. Since having kids I realise I wouldn't be able to cope with it mentally anyway! My younger siblings who still live nearby seem to love it when we visit and play with our kids a lot.

My siblings are not in positions to have kids yet (at uni, single, etc) except for my older bro who recently got married. It'll be interesting to see how many kids they have.

Sorry, apparently that was a very long post!!

Oldest of 5. Never. I loved my brothers and sisters, it seemed pretty idyllic at the time. Of course it wasn't always perfect but I never attributed blame to the size of family. I intended to have a bigger family myself, but once I had two I wondered how the hell my parents had managed it.

I'm the youngest of four and I can remember trying to persuade my mother that she'd like to adopt some more (she always said she wanted to have six of us but had miscarriages and a still birth so it wasn't to be). My only real childhood issue is that it felt like we went from lots of us to just me very quickly indeed and I hated being the centre of my mums attention. But that's more of an issue with big age gaps than large families really.

one thing that will make me sound like a brat is that we don't have any single memories of anything.
My parents' don't know how old we were when we walked/ if we had chicken pox/ what we weighed at birth etc. The real clincher is it was recently a big birthday and we had the old photos out, because we had the same pram clothes my parents don't know who the baby photos are unless they have other siblings in. One big homogenous blob of child, no special moments/memories. Nothing.

Like I said, it's not the biggest thing in the world but it makes me feel sad.

I'm the only eldest of six girls; 2 years between myself and second, 6 years between me and third, 13 between me and fourth/fifth (twins) & 17 between me and sixth. I was expected to help out quite a lot with the youngest three mainly because stepdad was useless. There were many times when it wound me up, and still does because they are only 10 & 13 now, but overall I've not minded the helping out and I'm actually closer to my youngest three sisters than I am to the other two who are much closer in age.

Hodd That is very sad, I agree.

I'm the eldest of 9 and hate that my parents had so many children, it's child abuse when the older ones are denied a childhood because their parents are selfish and having one a year like a broodmare and the older ones are left to take on so much responsibility and then whenever the younger ones misbehaved or did something wrong the eldest would get the blame for not taking better care of the younger ones..

My mother miscarried a baby between the 8th and the 9th child and the older ones were relieved. We weren't impressed when she went on to have another one. I've got 2 children and always knew I wouldn't have a big family, same with all my siblings apart from one.

I don't see how very very large families can possibly give the children the attention they need, unless the older ones become second parents to the younger ones, or you are very well off and hire long term nannies. There is after all only so much time in the day.

Well it all boils down to one thing. Some people are made to be parents of large families and do it well. The children grow up happy and well rounded adults.

Some are not so good. But simply saying all large families are neglectful, can't give their children attention bla bla bloody bla is judgemental at best.

But anyway i give up. Just winds me up how people think its ok to be so bloody downright rude regarding large families. It isn't neglectful to have a large family. Clearly you have no idea what neglect is if you think that.

I don't know what makes people think its better to have only 2 or 3 kids. Plenty of disfunctional, neglectful bad parents around of "normal" sized families.

The privacy thing always mind boggles me. I was one of three, had two brothers but still didn't have any privacy because they always barged into my room.

Yep. When it was just me and my two siblings living together privacy was an issue then. We lived in a terraced home and my brother had to walk through my bedroom to get to his. I also had to share with my little sister until I moved out. There was no privacy. My teens have their own rooms and the two youngest share which they love. By the time they are teens there should be a room available for them to separate. They don't have any less privacy than I had growing up.

As for the body comments, five kids, size 10, pelvic floor not the best but I had no tears or stitches so I got off lightly.

Sally you are rude. Read your post before your last one. Obviously it must be the way you are generally because you don't even realise you are rude.

I have found itstimeforachange and hodds posts immensely moving.

It's not rude to state personal experience, I'd imagine all those parents involved thought they were amazing and all was fantastic. The children that lived through it though have a very different view. Lots say they were neglected of attention, that their parents neglected to care properly and passed the childcare and house duties to them etc.

Miserable this is a thread inviting the children of large families to speak of their experience. You seem to be taking it as criticism of your choice to have a large family. There have been mixed experiences, some good and some bad, as you would get no matter how many siblings you have. As the mother of a larger than average family I am watching with interest.

Agree with sally. How on earth is it "rude" to unknown others to state your own personal lived experiences? Ultimate self absorption - it's not all about you.

So interesting though. Also whether parents provided a good childhood is not their call to make. Your adult children get to determine that one.

I am of the too many people on the planet position and any more than 2 is gratuitous and abit selfish but accept many disagree.

I can't believe some of the comments being made here. Like this one for example:

You just can't have lots of children and simultaneously let them be children. It's not possible and I don't care which current parent of many says it is, because they are wrong.

No - you are wrong. It's perfectly possible. It requires a sahp and a bit of money to make it work best though. I'd argue that my children are more 'children' than others because they have a ready made friendship group which will always be there for them. And there is no question of them actively wanting to leave home at 18. My daughter is currently at uni but looking for holiday work at home so she can be here and planning to come back when uni is finished.

Agree with miserablesod too

"It's perfectly possible. It requires a sahp and a bit of money to make it work best though."

This ^^. I would also add someone who loves children and finds being a parent enjoyable and fulfilling, which I don't unfortunately. But we aren't all the same.

Some of the stories here are really sad though, and I agree that just because someone has had an unhappy childhood because they come from a large family doesn't mean that they are criticising those who choose to have a large family. They are merely giving the benefit of their experience from a child's point of view.

These days generally, but not always, people have large families because they choose to, not because they have to, so perhaps the children are less likely to feel unloved and unwanted.

Glad some people were quick to confirm their dress size. Obviously if you've got lots of children and are a size 16 or above then that would be terrible.

There is a defensiveness - one poster said she had a sub optimal childhood with just one sister fair enough. I have 2 dds myself but don't extrapolate from her describing her experience that she is saying all 2 girl families have a rubbish time.

The parents invariably seem to think they did a brilliant thing. The children less so.

I didn't really mean dress size. I wondered about things like pelvic floor, stretch marks etc.

Posted too soon. And some of the other less desirable aspects of pregnancy and childbirth.

Agree with robinia and miserablesod people have been rude, like the one who said people only have lots of children to get more benefits.

Someone upthread asked if parents discussed with older children whether or not to have more children, as if it should be their choice. Do you ask your boss or your colleagues if it's ok for you to have another baby? After all, it impacts on them. Do you ask your friends if it's ok for you to have a baby even though it might mean missing their birthday/wedding/book club? Fwiw, whenever it came up in my house it was us lot begging for a new baby brother or sister. So many people bleating on about lack of attention and privacy...it is not your God given right to have your own suite of rooms and 6 hours of one on one time from each parent each day. And heaven forbid you might have to change a nappy or babysit or contribute to your family life in any way while you might be out skipping through the fields laughing and shouting FREEEEEEEDOOOOOOOM like all only children, relieved of the hideous pressure of siblings, spend their time doing. So many people love to blame the fact that they're miserable bastards on their parents.

splendide those mentioning dress size are doing so in response to a specific question from a PP asking if it had an impact on their bodies.