To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

[FritzDonovan]

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

This is his religion, it's usual to go every Sunday not when it suits. I used to go to church every Sunday. My DH is not religious, he never commented once on my decision. Eventually I lost my faith and don't go anymore. I think you would her very unreasonable to stop him or complain about it. Surely you knew this when you got with him. It's only an hour!

Maybe it's god's plan for him to fuck off his wife so much that she tells him not to bother coming back from work next time?

And for those that can't be bothered to read the thread, it's not can hour it's the whole morning, it's 12 mornings of the 24 they have together, he wasn't religious when they got together.

And why should his want to go to church trump the OPs want for him to spend time as a family?

And I'll repeat, I couldn't be with someone who wasted their brain believing that utter drivel. I couldn't be with someone who then prioritised it over me and our children.

Finally to people really think it's reasonable to expect people to go to church when they think it's a pile of shite to support someone who doesn't?

OP, I think you've received a rough ride in this thread.

YANBU to want more family time and a more equitable split of personal time.

If this were a sport or club he was attending every Sunday whilst he was home I think the responses would be different. I don't think religion should just get a free pass from family responsibility.

I hope he opens his ears and heart and starts to listen. He sounds quite self-centred.

Trope I am not quite sure why you feel the need to mock people's faith. Okay, you don't believe and that is your right, but is there any need to be so offensive? Do you realise that religion is a protected characteristic under the Equalities Act 2010? Do you say the same unkind things to Sikhs, Muslims, Jews etc? Or do you just spout such things here as you think you can get away with it. I'm sorry, I don't want to offend you, but you come across as incredibly immature.

Haven't RTFT but I think YANBU OP. I am in similar situation but my DC are smaller. It was great when he took the baby to church every Sunday and I got to have a nice leisurely shower or go back to bed for an hour. But now we have two he says he can't cope with taking both unlike me who has them all week on my own. However he alternates which one he takes and it's quite nice having one on one time with each parent. I always make him go to the supermarket on the way back or pick up some lunch. I dont believe and won't go to church myself but at the same time I don't want to be responsible for a man losing his faith.

Religion is not a hobby. It's a commitment of faith.If he has a Christian faith then Sunday worship is very important, it can't be substituted with a Friday one for instance. Why not drive him there OP, then while he is in church you could top up your shopping and be there to collect him after. At least then it reduces the time he is part from you all. He could talk with kids in the car, read with them etc(not sure on ages)

I used to go to church regularly. I considered myself a Christian and I was very involved in the Church.
But I tended to go once a fortnight. I am sure one of the Vicars said that once every two weeks is average for even committed Christians.

I don't think yabu. Its nice that he gets a quiet, child-free morning every week but unfair on you.

As you are the sahp and are on your own with the kids for large chunks of the year I think it is you who could do with an hour and a half in quiet contemplation every Sunday

The religion part of this is bit a red herring IMO. He is skipping off for a morning once a week. Cutting his church time to once a fortnight would not be a hardship.

Have you thought of actually taking the dc to a Saturday and or a Sunday morning club or activity and with them at the activity for 3 hours it would give you opportunity to have a break etc.

I also wonder what your dhs reaction would be about spending 1/2 a day in church if he knows his wife and children are not actually waiting with baited breath for his return

I would ignore that your dh disapproves of eating into time he is actually here and start living your life as a single parent who has someone who when he has time off can only spend 18 out of 24 free days of the year with you. You cannot keep putting your life on hold.

I would suggest he has checked out of this relationship but still wants control.

Read the whole thread with mounting rage at the number of people who appeared to be reading another thread to this one.

But going to church doesn't always make you a better person though. Granted it may in some but not in everyone and certainly not in my experience and I'm sure in many others too.

I spent my childhood going to church and then returning back to the same one when I split from my husband. The Minister and his wife had had such an impact on me that when me and the H split. I sought advice from them as I felt like I was breaking my marriage vows. I'll never forget the neutral advice they gave me and will always be grateful and they still remain dear friends that I keep in touch with regularly. Fast forward a few years. The Minister has now retired, I chose to leave when one of the Elders told me I should have my autistic child exorcised, and then offered his services , yes this actually happened and no of course I bloody didn't. Furthermore when I got rushed into hospital, the A&E nurse contacted my Mum to which she'd refused to come down because the new minister had told her that Sundays should be kept for God and she shouldn't allow her family to interrupt. The new minister didn't stop there, they were insistent on taking my mum home so she wasn't 'tempted' to come and be by my hospital bedside. Despite not having attended church for a while, when I ended up in hospital again via resus the retired minister still came and visited me and we chatted like we'd never been away.

I didn't leave church altogether when I left there, I went to a different one, and in all honesty I don't think it made me a better person either. I was constantly stressed, trying to live up to the other 'good ones' and driving the kids crazy to get up and out and over to the church in time whilst all the time not feeling good enough and being snappy with the DCs. I'm a much calmer person now and still donate to the foodbank and help people and volunteer where I can.

Working away for around 9months at a time is a 3 chunks of the year gone, I dont think the OP is being at all unreasonable to ask him to forgo at least one or two Sundays where he spends time with his family.

Do either of you have any tine for yourself, hobbies, friends etc?

this isn't about church. It's about how little time your DH spends with his family, whatever the reason.

I'm surprised that anyone would think YABU to be upset about that.

Agreed hellomoon.

Have a look at the church timetable.
I bet there's a quick 8am service
It doesn't need to take all morning.

'Religion is not a hobby, it is a committment'

So is having a family. He needs to find a way to be there and back quicker. Perhaps just the service rather than all the socialising afterwards?

He may not seem particularly religious, but if he is attending weekly mass, then there is clearly something going on with his faith that makes him feel obliged to practice this particular religion. Faith is not an interest, it is a lifestyle - one that is unfortunately affecting your home life.

While I understand that he is rarely home, you cannot ask him to stop going to church. If your child wanted to attend mass every week, you would let them, yes? Same with a friend? A parent? That is an individual's choice, and you cannot let it impact you so heavily.

Is there a way he could cut down on work hours? It seems to me that it is lengthy work stints that are taking away from his family time... Not a morning every Sunday to pray and practice his (perhaps personal) faith.

And I'll repeat, I couldn't be with someone who wasted their brain believing that utter drivel.

I'm really not sure why you think anyone is interested in whether or not you could be in a relationship with a religious person. I have absolutely no idea why you think we'd want to be told this fascinating fact about you twice.

So this fine church-going man isn't learning tolerance from his religion, OP?

Tbh if I caught someone gossiping about me I'd be pretty pissed off too.

Agree with the others who see its not going to Mass, it's about his wants being priority over everyone else.

OP YANBU. You are dumped with the hard slog of family life with very little break.
There are lots of services that he can download and listen to.

I've just noticed this trim the OP's last post

"Thanks all, I'm leaving this for now, as he's just seen me on here and appears pissed off I've been talking about him. Can't win."

why does it take a whole morning for him to go OP?

I've been to a Catholic & CoS services and they take an hour. Some churches have coffee/tea mornings after so if he's going to something like that on family time I think that's unreasonable. A Saturday evening mass at some Churches may only take 40 mins.

Missing mass as a Catholic is a sin so YABU if he's Catholic to expect him to go less than weekly. For people suggesting midweek masses I'm not sure of other religions but the only masses that "count" are Sat evening or Sun morning.

It's difficult and I do sympathise as I would struggle with this little family time so I do think you all as a family need to discuss how to make the most of it. Also have you discussed him changing roles now/agrees time in the future to spend more family time?

Is there a way he could cut down on work hours? It seems to me that it is lengthy work stints that are taking away from his family time... Not a morning every Sunday to pray and practice his (perhaps personal) faith.

Yes, I think this too. It's always one of the hardest bits of a long distance relationship (which seems to be what both OP and their children have with him): the time you spend together has so much pressure piled on it that any little thing 'ruining' it, as this church thing seems to be doing for OP, becomes a crisis. When time becomes this incredibly scarce resource of course people are going to squabble over it.

YABVU. Tell you what, I will swap you for my Premier?Champions league club season ticket holder Husband for a month to prove my point.

You know it is going to be a weekly thing so get your shopping in the day before, like I do.

I even have a calendar of fixtures stuck to my fridge so I can see when DH isn't likely to be around and plan accordingly.

He is a fantastic DH, an amazing Dad and incredibly hard worker. So I don't begrudge a single second of it, quite the opposite in fact, I love that he is doing something that is making him happy.

You say it should be "family" time but isn't being part of a family, encouraging those members to be happy as they can be? It would hardly be quality "family time" if your DH was not happy would it?

OP FWIW, in case you come back to the thread, YANBU and for some of the crap posted here.

He sounds like a bloke carrying on as if he's single. Just because his interest involves religion the OP can't question it, has to be ok with him spending as much time as he wants on it, at the expense of rarely available time with his family?

And if he was buggering off to play golf every Sunday that would be ok too right? Some would argue that fresh air and exercise are as valuable as religious observance.

There's something puzzling me here. So many churchgoers saying that non-religious people may not understand their need for the quiet contemplation, sense of community and spiritual renewal that regular churchgoing provides. But quiet contemplation, community-feeling and spiritual renewal are basic human needs. Atheists are human too. Believers do not have a monopoly on these needs or desires just because they name and formalise them as 'religion'.

OP, I think you need to examine how your human needs are being met. Really, seriously, I do, because you sound, very understandably, rather frazzled and worn out and very much in need of all these things in your life.

The debating point is this. How would it go down if you declared your need to spend two hours each Saturday afternoon engaged in quiet reading, thought, then a session of choir practice, plus walking there and back? If you declared this as an absolute need and obligation (choir practice is an obligation, to the other members)? If your response to his unhappiness was to say that he was trying to make you feel guilty for doing what you needed to do and were clearly going to carry on doing anyway. Obviously you expect him to look after the DCs while you're out, that's just a given that requires no discussion.

Well?

Wow, Leelu I never knew family life was about just making one family member happy. What about the OP and the children? Don't they count as well?
I can see both sides here. Yes, the husband is entitled to practice his faith, but it appears to be building a division between himself and the rest of the family. What happens in the summer if the OP wants family days out at the seaside or whatever? Surely some compromise is needed.

I dont think your DH work hours are particularly long TBH. Both me and DH leave the house at 715 and are not back until after 6. That's just normal commuting hours. I know others at work who won't get in until 7 or 8. I echo PP that your DH needs to get the shopping on the way back. You don't need the car in the morning, you could use that time for a lazy Sunday breakfast. Then you've got the whole afternoon to do whatever you want as a family. It is hard when you've been at home all week carrying the house while he has been out but if church is important to him I think you should let him do it. (I think his more religious then you think, I don't know any ambivalent believers who would give up a Sunday morning to church every week)