To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

[FritzDonovan]

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

Pixies

That sounds awful. I'm sorry your mum really has such skewed priorities.

Are people not reading the OPs posts? She's already said, several times, it's not just an hour a week

Thankyou Mummy that's the thing. That's where I can see where the OP is coming from. They can develop skewed priorities and it breeds resentment.

I dont think youre being unreasonable, op.
Click & collect for the shopping (i can do it in my half hour lunch break) and arrange family things regardless. Do you have 2 cars? You can ask dh to meet you somewhere after church. If it's eating into too much of the little family time you get, i would suggest carrying on as if he's not there on a Sunday and it's his choice then.
It is very very lonely being a sahp with a partner that works away. Can either of you change some bigger things in your lives?

Church is one of the things we work around as a family. We did swimming lessons after school instead of on a Saturday, as that would have meant neither day was free for outings.

Quite a few parents in my church bring their children to give the other one a morning off.

I think if DH refused to miss church even if it meant that the family didn't go to the zoo, then that would be really unreasonable. If he is going to church while the rest of the family mooch about in PJs and watch tv, then not so much.
Lots of regular families miss church if they have something specific to do- party, dance exam, away for the weekend, visiting family, but come if they are at home without other commitments. Seems reasonable to me.

As for needing church to make me a better person- I'd be ok without church, but with it I contribute a lot more: foodbank; clothesbank; toddler group; loads of events; social activism so diverse I can't list it. That's on top of normal being a good neighbour stuff. Church enables and inspires me to be a more productive contributor to my wider community. Most weeks I'm challenged to do something I haven't thought of before.

I think if you do not 'get' church, you can't see what it is. I don't 'get' sport. The olympics, football, straight over my head. Sweaty people running round in circles for no particular reason, then getting heated about it, shouting and arguing.
As you can see, I don't 'get' it. It doesn't bother me that other people do, though.

I go to church every Sunday. I'm not intensely religious, but that hour of the week of just sitting quietly in a peaceful place, bit of singing, bit of chat to people in the way in and out, honestly it keeps me sane in the midst of a busy life. Maybe your dh feels similar. I would hate my dh to tell me I couldn't go every week.

Use the hour he's at church to have a coffee and do your grocery shopping online.

My dh goes to church every Sunday. He is out of the house for about four to five hours. I would never moan about or try to prevent him from going. His faith is important to him and I feel that it makes him a better person.
YABU

teaandakitkat you've pretty much summed it up for me too. It's part of the week where I reflect and focus. Dh sometimes comes but other times he has a lay in and does a few bits round the house so I come home the washing done or he'll play PS4 and have a wind down after a busy week. Plan around it. Use Saturday or Sunday pm for activity together.

I'm with you OP. Seems to me he's got his life exactly how he likes it and you are expected to just accommodate it. I thibk you have given up to much to facilitate his career and now he is taking you for granted.
Attending church doesn't make someone a good Christian - being kind and loving and thoughtful towards other people does. Massively hypocritical to make himself feel good by attending church, while making his wife feel bad because he doesn't prioritise her. Different maybe if it was only possible to go on Sunday mornings but he could attend while he is away.

YANBU OP.

Having any regular scheduled activity during free time rather stops there being any chance of spontaneous plans, relaxing Sunday mornings or a whole day together.

I understand what you mean about not being bothered by him going occasionally.

FWIW it amazes me that anybody actually goes to church anymore. I personally would find hours every Sunday lost to church as a deal breaker. But I wouldn't be in a relationship with a church goer in the first place.

YABU going to church and the reasons of why you attend regularly are a personal thing something that you'll never understand as you are not seeing how your husband does. From what you've said he's a hard working man who provides for his family by working long hours and for long periods away from home at times. Why can't you make Saturday a family only day ? Would you pick and choose which parties your children could attend as they disrupt family time ? Doubtful because then the children would be missing out on something they would want to do.

Let's imagine a reverse.

"AIBU to keep going to church? Over the past number of years I've become more committed to my faith and regularly go to church (once a week on a Sunday morning service lasts around an hour.) my wife and kids used to come along too, and I really enjoyed this family time spent at church with them. My DW has since stopped going as have the DC. This was a bit upsetting and disappointing, as I liked this hour of quiet time with my family, however I understand that I can't force religion on anyone and it's their choice whether they want to go or not. I work away from home, sometimes up to 9 months a year - I still attend church while I'm working away. My DW is becoming increasingly more frustrated that I continue to go to church when I'm home from work. She thinks that I'm cutting short family time or that I'm choosing church over our family. I don't want to stop going to church, or miss every other week as she has suggested. Going to church used to be part of our family time until she and the kids decided to stop going."

OP, you aren't the official decider of what constitutes family time.

Not quite the point of your question but how does he feel about the fact the children no longer attend? Sunday school is for learning about the faith. If they don't believe they could at least be knowledgable. Telling them they don't have to go ( and they seem to be quite young) doesn't help to enable them to share this with him. Are you sure he is ok with that?

I wish I had an h who went to church :)

Everyone stand down, this isn't about church. The OPs H appears not to prioritise spending the little time he isn't at work with his family and attending church every Sunday appears to be his 'valid' excuse for this.

Personally, I'd stop focussing on church and I would let him know that he needs to redress the current imbalance regarding his time. When he's away, you have no choice but to be essentially a single parent but when he's home, there needs to be more balance. Your decision to stay home was a decision that benefits the family as a whole and is not without sacrifice from you perspective.

I suspect that this isn't the the first or only occasion, where he sees himself as your family's MVP.

I'm another one whose dad insisted that sunday mornings be taken up by church. And it is all bloody morning, once - as previously said - people ask you to 'help out' more in the setting up, driving other people there etc. And of course up to an hour afterwards socialising.

In my dad's case he had a hideous temper. Always seemed a bit hypocritical to come home from church and start ranting and raving at his family.

Being a christian isnt a hobby, but going to church is. You dont have to go to church to be a christian.

Despite my dad i am still a christian. But i would never let it encroach on time with (atheist) dh and ds. Neither would i expect them to go, although dh does bring ds on mother's day, which i love him for.

I go to church once a month, and i never spend ages afterwards 'socialising' knowing that my family are at home wanting to spend precious time with me.

I used to go to church regularly but stopped because I felt it was stealing time from the family. It actually wasn't the service itself that took the majority of the time, though a bitter LOL at the idea that a parent of small children can just decide 'to have a lie in' or 'have a coffee and do the online shopping' - I know my ds is 13 now but I can still vaguely remember what it was like when he was small and neither of those activities featured heavily in my life - it was all that other stuff and indeed the social activism; all of which was handed out at the coffee time after the service. Of course, I'd have missed a large chunk of the service anyway because in a small congregation and having a vagina I was in the Sunday School rota pretty regularly, and because it was spiritually important in some way I was supposed to learn stories by heart and tell them with special demonstrative equipment, rather than playing a game of Boggle or sorting out the Lego Noah's Ark which I was more prepared to do. I was asked to help with the coffee mornings, bake cakes for them, to join the PCC, to help with a survey of the churchyard for the ecological potential, you name it. The only thing I did manage to swerve was being a churchwarden which is essentially a full-time job. I don't blame the congregation for wanting help, religion should result in the social activism that a PP talked about, though it has to be said in a congregation of about 25 the sheer logistics of survival tends to take priority.

dH was very good about it and never complained audibly , he even looked into Christianity and met with the vicar a couple of times, but his heritage is Jewish and he couldn't make the deposit of faith. Ds often came with me but as time went on he increasingly didn't want to. The social events were of limited interest to either of them, especially as there were approximately three and a half other children in the congregation.

This is all for a church that is round the corner, and though I do work full time I am at home by 6 at the latest every night. It still felt like too much time away from the family, not because we are joined at the hip but because being there and your partner knowing you are around makes a big difference when parenthood feels like a long, mystifying slog. The choice NOT to be there feels like quite a big one, and all the more so if the OP's partner is unavoidably not there for HALF THE YEAR

OP, I do feel that there are some unfortunate currents in your marriage. Only you know whether it is worth studying these in depth - I would rather stick pins in myself than address most of the dysfunction in my own relationship - but I am struck that you apparently told the children they didn't have to go to church, rather than saying to your partner 'The children aren't finding being dumped in Sunday school very inspiring, do you have any suggestions?'

I would agree that the most practical option is for your dh to go to an early service, even if it's not the most spiritually satisfying one, and to ask for recordings of the sermon, or to find someone else's sermons online to listen to preferably not Nicky Gumbel

Or you could bribe your dh's vicar with a massive donation to the parish contribution to preach a sermon about the importance of family life, Sabbath moments as opposed to lengthy Sabbath observance, and the selfishness of those who duck out of their obligations under a flag of religious convenience...

Unless on a particular Sunday you need him for some purpose which cannot be done at any other time - YABU.

Now imagine this post if op had said her husband spends Sunday mornings playing video games (a religion to some people!) and she's annoyed at him.

Very different responses. Religion doesn't give you a pass to act like a wanker.

I agree this isn't about his faith as you don't have to attend Church to be a Christian, any decent minister would be telling a member/attendee to demonstrate Christ's love to their spouse above attending a particular church service. Surely there are homegroups, mid-week services, evening services and all sorts of other options. In fact these days most sermons get posted on the internet so you can catch up on them!

If he didn't work away then still it wouldn't be such a big issue but he does, he can attend church when he's away and then surely compromise on which service he attends when he is back.

If he is already going to church for nine months a year while he is away, surely he can put his wife and kids first for the remaining three months? I'd be pissed off too, but maybe his job is the big issue in your dissatisfaction, rather than his churchgoing?

I have a friend whose partner has recently come back from a Buddhist retreat - which was THREE WEEKS long. He goes twice a year for two weeks normally.

They don't have kids so it is very different but it still is a very long chunk of time not to be there.

If he thinks it is reasonable for him to spend half a day on his own ( for any activity it may be), then you are entitled to half a day off too. See how he feels about that. I'd feel a better person if I could spend half a day reading over the weekend. Fat chance of that ever happening, and that's fine. I accept it, and I don't try and make anyone feel guilty about it.

My XH was away for a minimum of 6 months per year working. The rest of the time he sat around on his arse at home watching TV or in the pub getting plastered. I have been a church organist since I was 16, only giving up a few years ago when I had to change jobs and was required to work on a Sunday. Yes, the whole morning was gone by the time I got home, as I socialised afterwards over a cup of coffee. Even when I was commuting an hour each way, latterly, to play, I was still home by early afternoon and there was plenty of the day left to do something else.

Just because you don't think your DH has a particularly deep faith means nothing. If you have no faith, he won't want to discuss it with you. XH wasn't religious and didn't want me to go to church every week, but since he didn't actually want to spend much time with the family, my being out didn't impinge on that. He couldn't see why I was going. Fair enough, but I was as entitled to go to church every Sunday morning as he was to go to the pub every afternoon.

YABU. He is as entitled to go to church as you are not to go.

this isn't about church. It's about how little time your DH spends with his family, whatever the reason.

I'm surprised that anyone would think YABU to be upset about that.