Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

602 replies

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 22:56

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 05/02/2017 10:19

So this fine church-going man isn't learning tolerance from his religion, OP?

Tbh if I caught someone gossiping about me I'd be pretty pissed off too

So now the op cannot even speak about her dh. Another reason I think this is about control rather than religion

SparklyTwinkleGlitter · 05/02/2017 10:20

I don't see it as any different to going to the pub. Point out to him that he's choosing to prioritise his leisure time over shared family time.
It's not really on.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/02/2017 10:20

So now the op cannot even speak about her dh.

Talk about whoever you want. However don't expect the person who is being quite negatively talked about to like it.

vdbfamily · 05/02/2017 10:21

I also think YABU. We go to church weekly as a family but with young kids there is usually a good couple of hours before church when you can have breakfast with them and some quality time, especially if they are not needing to get ready for church. Today we are experimenting with a later service as our church has split into 2 morning services recently. Even with a late morning service, we are still planning a picnic lunch together, afternoon visit to inlaws 90 minutes away, and a meal in Prezzos en route home. There is plenty QT there as a family even if we had not been at church together. If you had something important to do on a Sunday which meant your husband could not go to church(ie a long drive to visit someone) would he accept that?
I do resent the comments about church being a hobby. One of the commands to Christians from scripture is 'do not give up the habit of meeting together' and I think this is particularly important for someone married to a partner who does not share their faith.
Having said all that, the sky is not going to fall on his head if he misses a week but maybe he feels you are belittling the importance of his faith which makes him more determined not to compromise. Has anyone asked the age of the children. It is unusual for young children to 'decide' they do not want to go to church anymore. Mine are 13,12 and 10 and the 13 year old may moan about getting out of bed sometimes but still happy to come and also open about not knowing what she believes so not brainwashed either!

lottiegarbanzo · 05/02/2017 10:23

On a point of fact, I'm curious to know which denominations demand weekly church attendance as a requirement of faith.

I see here a great deal of confusion and conflation between 'practicing religion' and 'churchgoing'.

My understanding was that for most denominations, religion could be practiced personally, whenever, wherever, while churchgoing was a 'nice to do'. Even being part of a particular church community could be achieved through attending weekday evening groups (not necessarily weekly) and doing other things than attending mid-morning services every week.

Skooba · 05/02/2017 10:23

Might something other than the sermon etc be attracting him?

Madhairday · 05/02/2017 10:23

I don't think you're being controlling OP. I think you are reasonable to want dh to spend time with you especially as he's away so often.

I'm a Christian and regular churchgoer but it's easy for me as my family all go. I think a situation like this probably needs compromise from both parties. For your dh it's an important part of his life and a commitment, but he's also made a commitment to you his family and I think that part of his expression of faith should be to honour that and honour you. I think looking at say an 8am service for a couple of the weeks would be good - wouldn't want him to leave the one he's at entirely as he'll have built up friendships etc. Or he could simply go fortnightly with the other week being dedicated to you and even making sure you get some time off too.

There are plenty of ways he can practise his faith away from church, so many online resources for eg. I'm chronically ill and away from church services for weeks at a time but this doesn't mean I'm not observing my faith - it's a case of the choices I make. I think he needs to listen carefully to you and what you need, and still be able to observe his faith. There can be both.

Hope that you're able to talk about this, op. All the best.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 05/02/2017 10:25

Do you really begrudge him that hour or so that much? Despite the fact he works all week to allow you not to? You get 24/7 to do as you please, he's asking for a little time on Sunday for something that means a lot to him.

Expecting him to give it up is selfish. Is he allowed to do nothing for himself?

ohgoshIdontknow · 05/02/2017 10:25

YABU

AwaywiththePixies27 · 05/02/2017 10:27

If he has a Christian faith then Sunday worship is very important, it can't be substituted with a Friday one for instance

Sorry but I disagree with this and it's a discussion I've had many times with people like my mum. Sunday worship is not set in stone neither was it one of the ten commandments. Admittedly my Sunday school knowledge is a little rusty so I'm sure someone will correct me if I'm wrong. When the Ex goes to his Saturday mass. It is packed with similar workers like him who can't do Sunday mornings. God will not think any less of someone because they set aside worship time for him on a Saturday night rather than a Sunday morning.

What about all the yezidi (sp?) christian women who literally cant go to church because ISIS will execute and have executed them if they dared? I dont think they're any less christian either.

Or what about on-call neurosurgeons who follow the Christian faith who work weekends and can't do Sundays? In the last church I went to, we had three junior doctors training, you'd often only see one of them one Sunday out of the month because they were busy working / saving lives on the other weekends. Of course it can be substituted for another day where Sundays aren't practicle.

GloriaGaynor · 05/02/2017 10:29

I'd suggest a compromise that he goes to an earlier service at a nearer church. I'm not a Christian but my father sometimes goes to the early 8am service on Sunday morning and is home just after 9.

The difference between an hour out of Sunday morning and not being home until lunch is huge.

MaisyPops · 05/02/2017 10:29

OP whilst i still think YABU, it might be worth thinking about this. At my church families don't make it every week. Some weeks if the weather is nice theyre out for walks, or day trips etc.
My service is usually a morninh one but basically takes all morning. DH and I often go for coffee or brunch after.
If your idea of family time is (assuming it's a 10ish servive) to wake up whenever, spend part of the morning lounging in the house and get dreased about 11 then i can see why your DH might go to church because thats what we do on sundays.
Whereas if you guys agree that next Sunday, we're gettinf up and taking thr kids for a morning at a park/nature reserve/goinh swimminh then that's a plan. It might clarify family time.

Or make plans for a Saturday, then DH can do morning church and then you guys can chill on an afternoon (if ive got a commitment then i dont stay back having coffee and chatting after church).

lottiegarbanzo · 05/02/2017 10:30

She gets '24/7 to do as she pleases' - are you reading a different thread?

She spends 24/7 responsible for their small DCs, while he is away for nine months a year for work. Then some more while he's at home - because clearly, childcare is by default her responsibility, all of the time.

He doesn't need to ask if she's ok to look after the DCs on Sunday mornings while he does his thing. Rather he gets cross with her and accuses her of trying to make him feel guilty, if she even questions his presuming it's just fine.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 05/02/2017 10:30

'Religion is not a hobby, it is a committment'

So is having his family. He made vows before his God when he married the OP.

babyboomersrock · 05/02/2017 10:31

Tbh if I caught someone gossiping about me I'd be pretty pissed off too

"Gossiping"?? Is it gossiping when an abused woman (for example) comes on here describing her abusive DH? Perhaps OP doesn't have another space to discuss things.

But she won't be back, as she said up-thread, because her DH isn't happy about her discussing their issues here. Her husband will continue to put his churchgoing before their family and because it's church and not pubs, everyone will think he's a jolly good sort.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/02/2017 10:32

"Gossiping"?? Is it gossiping when an abused woman (for example) comes on here describing her abusive DH? Perhaps OP doesn't have another space to discuss things.

That us different and you know it is.

HTH

Sixisthemagicnumber · 05/02/2017 10:33

I haven't read the entire thread so this might already have been answered - but as you don't work why can't you do the top up shop on a Monday? Why does it need to be done at the time he wants to attend church on a Sunday?

CommonSenseIsNotAllThatCommon · 05/02/2017 10:35

Rainbows The bus back to 1950 will be along any minute.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 05/02/2017 10:42

None do lottie AFAIK. Although I know the Islam faith requires Friday prayers but I'm rather ignorant to the rest. I only know this because the owners of a shop I use practices Islam and I didn't know this until I visited on a Friday once. There was a note on the door 'closed for Friday prayers'. The meeting together command in the bible came from a letter from Peter I believe to his church. It didn't say meet weekly. I think it was just encouraging fellowship of some sort.

The gossiping thing made me smile though. My Mums morning service finishes around 12. She never leaves until around 2pm because they all gossip afterwards have tea and biscuits ans socialise after. Which is strange as there's always been a 30 minute break before the Sunday school service and the morning service to do just that. Catch up and socialise.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 05/02/2017 10:45

The OP gets 24/7 to do as she pleases? She's a sole carer to THEIR DCs for 3/4 of the year Confused

I bet the OP wishes she had 24/7 to do as she pleased!

AwaywiththePixies27 · 05/02/2017 10:49

Rainbows she's not asked him to give church up. She's asking if she's U to ask him to consider his family once or twice in the small time he's home. She isn't.

namechangingagainagain · 05/02/2017 10:50

I haven't read the whole thread and fear I may be projecting but.....
It reminds me a lot of what happened to my FIL.

When fh was early teens FIL had a breakdown of sorts... Long hours working away (probable infidelity). He "found"god at this point. Church became a massive part of his life. Mil was not happy. She was at home looking after children. They became increasingly distant. He found a woman at church who "understood" him. Long story short they split. Obviously he married the woman who understood his faith-thy are still together now and massively involved in the church. FIL tried increasingly tried to indoctrinate DH and his brother and involve them in his new life. This led to a massive split and has led to issues into adulthood..... DH is pretty much no contact now.

So long and short of it, whilst I respect the individual right to practice whatever religion anyone chooses finding religion at a time of stress can be really dangerous to established relationships. You need to try and find a way for him to get whatever he is looking for whilst still maintaining a strong bond between you.-its really hard

MrsWombat · 05/02/2017 10:50

Does he work for the military or somewhere remote like an oil rig where a Sunday service might be a big part of their week, and a bit of comfort when he's at home?

Could he do the top up shop on his way home from church? Or even on a Saturday?

A lot of churches have a family friendly service once a month (our one is also church parade) maybe you could all go to that?

babyboomersrock · 05/02/2017 10:53

"Gossiping"?? Is it gossiping when an abused woman (for example) comes on here describing her abusive DH? Perhaps OP doesn't have another space to discuss things.

That us different and you know it is

HTH

Ok - what about all the posters who just want to moan in peace about their mils, parents, neighbours? Is that gossiping too?

Church-going isn't always a benign hobby. I know some truly ghastly religious types - I had a religious upbringing - but they get social approval nonetheless. Allowances are being made for a man none of us knows, on the basis that he's "entitled" to a half day to himself at the weekend. OP feels that their rare weekends together should be spent doing things together; I don't think that's particularly outrageous.

I can't imagine why a father would want to sacrifice a moment of his (very limited) time with his DC when there are church services at other times of the week.

However, OP is effectively a single parent and I guess she has to work out whether that's working for her.

lottiegarbanzo · 05/02/2017 11:04

I'd be interested too, to know what his priest / vicar would say to him about the strain weekly churchgoing is placing upon his marriage.