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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

602 replies

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 22:56

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

OP posts:
Iris65 · 05/02/2017 07:12

YABVU.
He feels like a better person, so its clearly important to him. If he feels better then you all gain OP!

Iris65 · 05/02/2017 07:13

Oooh Mindtrope going to look out for your posts in future Wink

londonrach · 05/02/2017 07:15

Mind...loving the image of you singing to your fridge unicorn...🦄🦄🦄. I have the care bear tune in my head now thanks mind!

However faith is deeper to my fil...he has to go to church every sunday and if staying with us, on holiday, will slip away to the nearest local church. Its only an hour and hes happy to go any time to fit in with us so has gone early or late but it really is as important as eating and sleeping to him and not a hobby. Its part of him. He makes him the man he is. He is kind to everyone. Im a wedding and christening and maybe xmas morning if everyones going and they be xmas carols church attendance. I understand to my fil what it means and when there was a still birth in the family and everyone was busy i knew he wanted someone to come with him that once so i went with him. Seeing him that day made me realise how important going to church is to him. My mil seems to understand that and he goes once on a sunday every week and occasionally during the week but thats not set.

Mindtrope · 05/02/2017 07:17

london He is kind to everyone.

Would he be unkind without the church?

picklemepopcorn · 05/02/2017 07:18

I'm smiling at the thought of me and my friends at church in a couple of hours, singing to an 'imaginary sky fairy' and 'the unicorn in our fridge'. I think you mentioned building fairy houses further up the thread trope.

I'll probably get the giggles in church now. Smile

Do you dial back when talking about other religions, trope?

littlejeopardy · 05/02/2017 07:19

I don't think the church is the problem here. It sounds like you feel so stretched with your DH working away for long hours that Sunday is pushing you over the edge. I think you are looking for something to give so that you can spend more time together but maybe it needs to be a bigger change than skipping church every other week.

Mindtrope · 05/02/2017 07:21

Do you dial back when talking about other religions, trope?

Nope.

Mindtrope · 05/02/2017 07:22

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londonrach · 05/02/2017 07:23

No he be kind with or without the church. Not going to argue with you as i dont think you understood or can see what im saying. Church to some people is part of them and they need to go every sunday. It is not a hobby. You lucky mind your 🦄 Is in your house So only got to go to the fridge.

BertrandRussell · 05/02/2017 07:23

Me neither. Sorry, no chance of Christians claiming persecution on this thread!

ovenchips · 05/02/2017 07:25

OP How old are your children?

You say in your first post that they used to go to church with your DH but then you told them they didn't have to go.

I can't help but wonder why you did not continue to facilitate them all going together? They get to spend time together, your DH gets to do his church thing and you, as the SAHP get some time out.

You can't stop your husband wanting to go to church every week however much you feel your weekends would be better off for it. So in a 'if life gives you lemons, make lemonade' way, why not try to create some extra fun touches to make the church thing a nice tradition? Go out for breakfast beforehand/ afterwards all together or establish some kind of pleasurable ritual to go with the church attendance eg they go straight from church to swimming etc. Then get your children to participate in it as part of their special time with their dad (and you for the breakfast/ other bit). That way, the children are seeing their dad for the whole morning and you are not feeling so resentful.

I think you are feeling resentful of your husband's work situation and its impact on you and the children, and the church attendance is magnifying the unhappiness tbh. Maybe something bigger needs to change?

BertrandRussell · 05/02/2017 07:27

No he be kind with or without the church. Not going to argue with you as i dont think you understood or can see what im saying"

I understand exactly what you're saying. But you have said several times that your fil is flexible, and "slips away" to church at a time that suits everyone, and your mil is happy with...... The OP's dp doesn'5 seem to be prepared to compromise at all. The perfect solution would be him taking the car and going to an early service, but he doesn't seem prepared to do this........

picklemepopcorn · 05/02/2017 07:34

Bert, trope, not thinking about claiming persecution, rather wondering what reaction you get. I was thinking about the fatwah (?) against Salman Rushdie, among other things.

As for churchgoing and behaviour, well it all depends on the kind of church sorry trope, death cult you go to. Mine helps me be kinder, do more public service, think about things differently. It challenges me to be more ecologically aware and to hold myself to a higher standard than I otherwise would. NOT a higher standard than non churchgoers. Every visit to church reminds me of something I can do to help my neighbours, community, friends.

BertrandRussell · 05/02/2017 07:39

Happy to risk a fatwah!

And of course it's great that your church going gives you all that.

Would you be prepared to discuss going at a different time if your current attendance made life difficult for other people in your family?

Mindtrope · 05/02/2017 07:39

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Mindtrope · 05/02/2017 07:44

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MargaretCavendish · 05/02/2017 07:47

Do you think you're clever, mindtrope? I certainly hope you don't think you're original, because I've heard the 'sky fairy' thing plenty of times before, but mostly from teenagers. Your comments are intolerant, small-minded and just a bit facile, really.

Mindtrope · 05/02/2017 07:48

Your comments are intolerant, small-minded and just a bit facile, really.

Ha ha, that's a laugh- sounds just like the christian church.

londonrach · 05/02/2017 07:49

You right bertrard... ops dp needs to be flexible re time of going to church.

Skooba · 05/02/2017 07:57

It's like going back to the 1950s here. Hard working DF's time takes precedence over everyone else's especially the DCs (seen and not heard don't you know).

He is being selfish, he can pray to God any time he wants, morning noon and night. I don't deny church can be important to people, but the DCs will grow up, he can go then when he matters less to them, he can drive there to be there an back as speedily as possible, he can go fortnightly (God doesn't take time off). He should want to spend time with his DCs as a caring, Christian caring DF.
But no, his needs take the priority.

Nquartz · 05/02/2017 07:59

A few posts have suggested the OP goes with DH so they can spend time together, which sounds to me like more compromise than she already makes. She doesn't want to go & I personally would find it hypocritical sitting there pretending to pray etc whilst not believing any of it. She has already compromised her career to support his, has the relentless grind of being a SAHM & then he gets to swan off for a quarter of their precious family time.
Someone earlier also questioned the obsession of family time, if I only had 12 weekends a year as a family I think I'd be pretty bloody obsessed about spending them together.

Bodicea · 05/02/2017 08:01

But bluntness the mumsnet consent isn't that she is being unreasonable.
I don't think she is expecting a bit of compromise, putting his wife and family first. And I do actually go to church.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 05/02/2017 08:05

FritzDonovan I do understand you and don't think YABU. I think you have to have been on 'that side of it' to fully understand it's effect. Unless it is something like a Catholic service (ex is RC and used to go to quite a few with him). These generally were around an hour long. My Mums services on the other hand would take forever much longer. She's unavailable every Sunday until around 2/2:30pm and they no longer do evening services but when they did I have memories as a child of being there all day until 8/9pm at night when I had school the next day.
OP, I suppose I should say be grateful it's just a Sunday with DH. My Mum's takes up half her week, it's not just the Sundays, its the Tuesday coffee mornings/afternoon fellowship AND the evening bible study. Then there's the Wednesday meeting, and the Thursday prayer meeting. Oh, and just in case the same group of friends haven't seen enough of each other that week, there's also the Saturday morning meet up Grin She started off by going for just an hour a week too.

To me, it's the ability to prioritise that irks me, for example my dear dad is currently very poorly in hospital. I'm a single parent so struggle with childcare. My Mum looked after the DCs yesterday whilst I stayed with him as he's on the High Dependancy Ward. I told him I'll visit him again on Monday. His Nurse rang me last night to see if I could come in today as he keeps asking for me. My Mum has already said no to childcare as she's got her responsibilities in church. I've accepted it and understand this will always be her and she has a right to, but I somehow dont think God would begrudge her having the morning off so her daughter could go and see her extremely poorly dad who's asking for her. My Ex can't help. He's working today. To me, one is important, he works in a hospital and is cog in the works who keeps the system running smoothly. However arsey this may sound of me, I simply don't see church attendance as that important; but again i think you have to have lived through it, on the OPs side, to fully understand where they are coming from and the impact it can have. I don't think linking OPs DHs job is a fair comparison. Church doesn't pay the rent/mortgage and bills. His job does. Of course it's more important.

Is there a compromise you could come to?

ShowMePotatoSalad · 05/02/2017 08:10

YABU. It's an hour a week and important to him.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 05/02/2017 08:10

Sorry OP. Didn't finish my essay of a post. Re the compromise. The catholic church near us does a Saturday mass and a Sunday morning mass. That way those who have work or other commitments on a Sunday can still attend the Saturday mass. My Ex works weekends as well as his shift work during the week so he attends the Saturday evening mass.

Does your DHs church have a Saturday evening service?