To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

[FritzDonovan]

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

I'm a persistent god-botherer and have been all my life. My faith is important to me and is a huge part of who I am. If you wanted to stop your husband following his faith then I'd say that would be unreasonable, but you aren't saying that at all.
It sounds like you are pleading for some sort of place in the pecking order, other than general dogsbody. It also doesn't sound like you are being shown much compassion or understanding. I really feel for you.
The C of E doesn't require attendance every week (does he go while he's away) but if it's so essential then Evensong might make a nice compromise and still allow him to go weekly. Do you think it's more a "pillar of the community"/social standing thing, or is it the religion? My parents went every week for decades, until my father didn't want to get promoted any further! They still don't see the problem with that.
Whatever his reasons, he can easily work in his faith around your family life (very early services, Evensong, perhaps midweek services). People do it all the time. He just doesn't understand why he should have to, and that's your real problem.

Only read 7/12 pages but astonished at this thread. Normally the mn consensus is that sahm do a ft job and on weekends DH can bloody well pitch in and do his share.

Here we have a man away for months on end so you would think that feeling would be even stronger!

Amazed at pp asking sardonically if DH owes her time. Er yes he does. When you decide to create children you do owe them time. When you decide to marry someone you do owe them time. Remember the Christian marriage service? Something about honouring and cherishing.....?

Astonished at comments like he can afford for you to stay home - er more like lucky him finding a wife to support his career! Or Op does not have her own interests. Yeah maybe cos she hasn't time to develop any! Or just go with him...... if you are not a Christian you may well find many of the ideas objectionable or immoral. So no, sitting through them not a good leisure activity.

Unbelievable responses here........

YANBU OP. Seeing as communication isn't great would it be worth the 2 of you talking things through with a counsellor? Because you sound really unhappy and I can see why.

Fucking hell, why do people not read the OP's posts properly! She has explained, numerous times, that...

1. He works away for 9 MONTHS of the year
2. Because he works away that much it leaves only 12 weekends that he can spend with his children
3. Of those 12 weekends there are 12 Sundays, and he chooses to spend half of those 12 Sundays on his "me time"
4. The children did used to go to church with him but they didn't like it so don't any longer
5. Church isn't "just an hour", he is out all morning
6. He is not devout. He flits from church to church and mainly goes for the social.
7. OP has accommodated him throughout. She gave up her career to raise their children because he chose a change of career that meant he was away more than he was home
8. She has moved home numerous times because of his career. A career he didn't have initially. This makes socialising much harder for her.

He's putting his church time ahead of his family !!! He needs to step up and do the fatherly / husband thing or f* off but that's my take on someone who doesn't want a family by the looks of it !!!

Its an hour bang in the middle of Sunday morning !!!
Go with him ? when the kids clearly do NOT want to go !!!

Get real, ditch the fool and get a real man

Im assuming.... The military life doesn't have to be like this !!!

away for 9 monthes every 12 ? he's volunteering then ! go to the PASO's office and ask to talk to someone...

"I would say I do know a few people that go to the pub religiously. Its all the same when your a home with the kids waiting for DP to come home."
It's not the same because the whole family could go to church together.

Church is NOT family time. The children are shunted off to Sunday school and adults have to sit in quiet while they are preached at for 1-2 hours. Pubs are much more family friendly, provide play areas, games, you can interact, meet friends, eat drink and be merry.

Now I know he has been wanking off to porn I wonder if church is his excuse to cover up an affair? Time for an ultimatum? Put your family first or else...

Op if you are still reading..... this may sound odd but your post reminded me of my friend. I will not ask any Qs as it is not my business to out anyone, but just in case, please sort reliable contraception and don't have any more babies with this man till you are straight in your head about what you want.

I am on the opposite side of this equation with my DH. On days he goes with me (Easter, Xmas..) I am so grateful for his company, the kids enjoy being together as a family and we end up going to lunch or the park afterwards. On days when I go alone with the kids and put them in Sunday school I feel reenergised and inspired to be a better person, mum & wife. On days when DH tells the kids they needn't go with me I go alone, I feel heart broken, the kids learn they can pit us against each other, he is stuck home with bored kids and we are all moody all afternoon. On days when DH tells me I shouldn't go at all and implies I am splitting us up - we have an argument, there is usually tears, I feel sad that I am married to someone that cannot respect much less share something that I feel would enrich us as a couple and a family. He seldom does this anymore as it always ends the same way. Equally, I do occasionally pass on going if DH has been away a lot or we have other Sunday plans.

I've now changed my opinion given the further details that have emerged.

OP's DH isn't particularly bothered about the church, can take it or leave it to a certain extent, and is certainly not living up to Christian values with his porn habit.

YANBU.

Why is communing with imaginary friends acceptable but snooker (for eg) wouldn't be?

OP, I'm weighing in with the YANBU crowd. Good for him if he wants to practise his faith, but he's away such a lot, I think I'd resent further loss of family time.

I saw somebody asked earlier whether he goes to church as much when away. Didn't see reply. Does he?

Lol at imaginary friends

Sorry OP, but I think YABU. I used to go to mass every Sunday but have lapsed over the last year or so. I used to really look forward to going because I found it really uplifting and comforting. (On my list of things to restart soon.) Plus I made some really good friendships from church. Why don't you try going to church with your husband? You might enjoy it and find it relaxing. I think you should show support to something that quite clearly means a lot to your husband's wellbeing. Surely it's part of a loving, supportive partnership.

Also, whataloadofoldbollocks said

"not a single Christian on the thread has shown any concern for your spiritual needs"

Lottie - OP hasn't mentioned any spiritual needs, she just wants to go shopping when he's at church.

Southern I am sorry that religion is coming between you and your DH too. I would agree your feeling that church would enrich you as a family is valid, but it's just as valid as his feelings that it wouldn't. I have done the family at church thing, and only gave the kids the option of staying at home with me instead of going when they were getting upset because they didn't want to go (to a sometimes boring service /Sunday school where friends were not always there.
I am not giving any ultimatums, I am asking for a compromise which will no doubt happen, but with bad grace and no understanding of my point of view. I am still automatically in the wrong. But why should one person assume that what they think is best for others who obviously don't enjoy it? I agree in theory with the teachings, but have found few people who uphold the values preached regularly to them. That is my personal experience, before I get flamed for slating religious beliefs and those who follow them.
In our situation I would have the same difficulties if it were a sporting activity, and I doubt anyone would tell me to take two disinterested kids along to watch from the sidelines for a few hours a week. No doubt someone will come along to tell me they do just that - that's fine, if you chose to. The main issue is that I am being made to feel bad because I don't agree with dh opinion, and because it's his 'faith' that makes me unreasonable.
In the interests of fairness, he is not away 9 months every year, although (as originally posted) somewhere over 5 months is usual. He doesn't get back every weekend, obviously. Goes to church while away when possible, though this does not take priority over social events while away, so I cannot understand why ppl are saying it is so unreasonable for me to protest against him going every Sunday morning while he is here.

trixie because I no longer enjoy being preached at by ppl who do not uphold what I see as good Christian values. It is boring.
Gwen don't be ridiculous. You either have not read/umdetstood my replies or are deliberately behaving like a troll.

Why don't you try going to church with your husband? You might enjoy it and find it relaxing. I think you should show support to something that quite clearly means a lot to your husband's wellbeing. Surely it's part of a loving, supportive partnership.

Jesus H Christ! RTFT!

Her whole bloody life is based around her oh's wants and needs and career and demands.

When does he actually 'support her'?

Why the hell should she spend nearly 3 hours in church/church 'get together afterwards' when she doesnt want to go as she isnt interested and neither do the kids. He isnt even a member of one church, flits about from church to church like a butterfly. Surely to feck he can miss a measly 12 services a year for his family?

Oh, well that's ok then Gwnehwfar, they're not the thing at the very forefront of her mind (too busy looking after everyone, managing everything and feeling despondent about her marriage by the sound of it). Plus she lacks the formal structure necessary to name them as a socially-accepted ritual. So we can safely presume she has none then, can't we.

Or to put it another way, bingo. Did you mean to epitomise that void where spiritual empathy might be expected to be found, I'd referred to?

Does he go to church to be seen to go to church? Is this about his career? Just can not see why your H can't agree to go once a month when at home. In ten years time he could go to pray publicly every day and probably not impact on family life that much but right now, while you have small children, it seems self-absorbed and selfish.

So when he's away, he prioritises his social life over church, but when he's home he prioritises church over his family?

There's your answer right there. I really do feel for you, and your DC.

cheers ollieplimsoles and Willow2016 and OP of course.

I think I need it. I've actually found this thread quite disturbing. I'll pour it into that inner hole where a whole person's soul would be.

OP
He Goes to church while away when possible, though this does not take priority over social events while away,

That says it all.
He isnt that bothered about 'church' when he is away if there is something more exciting to do. It speaks volumes of just where on his priorities his wife and family are.

You deserve to be treated much better than this, tell him to jog on.

And sorry to those religious ppl who will find this offensive, but if you get to feel sad that we (non religious ppl) don't share and support your faith, why would i be in the wrong to be sad that you don't share and support my belief that there is no God? Bit of double standards going on there??

I would get a hobby that would get me out of the house alone all of Sunday afternoon, and leave him with the kids. And I wouldn't do any housework in the morning. Sorted.