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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

602 replies

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 22:56

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

OP posts:
Catlady1976 · 06/02/2017 19:33

Assuming kids are older op probably gets lots of peace during the week. I think Yabu.

WankersHacksandThieves · 06/02/2017 19:43

Well, I've never been a stay at home parent and we have no idea how young OPs children are only that they are old enough to express and opinion but young enough not to be able to be left alone, however, I should imagine that running a household on your own for 9 months of the year probably keeps her fairly busy.

Whereas OPs wanker of a husband has only himself to look after outside of work for 9 months of the year.

I could tell you which I think has the worse end of the bargain in terms of having time to themselves...

Darlink · 06/02/2017 19:45

Read whole thread
Yabvu

WankersHacksandThieves · 06/02/2017 19:45

He seems to find plenty of time to view pornography etc - maybe he could devote some of his wanking time to churchgoing, leaving the actual time he has free on the 12 weekends he is home to devote to his rapidly growing family?

Catlady1976 · 06/02/2017 19:45

Just read bit about porn. That changes my opinion.

urkidding · 06/02/2017 19:48

YANBU. It seems very unreasonable for you not to have any time on your own without the children. I suggest you meetup with friends during the week in the evenings and spend Saturday mornings by yourself or with friends. The thing is you are looking for companionship, which you thought being married would give you, and having days out as a family on Sundays, and maybe having a lie-in on Sundays is part of that.

Drama123 · 06/02/2017 19:49

I go to church every week and my husbamd won't go. Neither would he ask me not to go, he knows how important my faith is to me. I'm gone 2 and a half hours some sundays (if im teaching the children).
Sorry to say but God comes before the Tesco run!
I hope you both work it out, it's difficult on both sides when one is religious and one isn't ☺

WankersHacksandThieves · 06/02/2017 19:50

by rapidly growing I don't mean OP is having more children, I mean that the children will be growing rapidly - they are only children for such a short time, it shouldn't really be a sacrifice to give up your fairy stories for a while to spend time with them.

WankersHacksandThieves · 06/02/2017 19:50

...and FFS people, read the fucking thread!

BazilGin · 06/02/2017 19:51

Hi OP, sorry I haven't read all 16 pages so far, but I don't think the issue is with your DH's religion at all. I think it's mostly with you feeling like you are giving a lot but not getting any time to yourself/by yourself. What do you all do on Saturdays, could he not take the kids out every other Saturday morning? It sounds like you are resenting his time in church not because of where he is, but that he does get to be by himself every weekend. I'd suggest talking to DH to get similar time "off" just to yourself. Unless your children are at school in which case you are a bit U.

Jenniferb21 · 06/02/2017 19:57

I think some responses are harsh here. My husband will go once a month but the service is 2 hours long and it's 45 minute commute (45 mins each way). If he went every week we would hardly ever get time together.

Every family is different in its dynamics because of work patterns and social commitments but what I would say is if it only an hour each Sunday if probably live with it. If it ends up taking a few hours ask if he can go every other week as a compromise?

I don't think you're being unreasonable everyone has different expectations and I expect my husband's main commitment to be to me and my little boy.

mammamic · 06/02/2017 20:01

It seems that you posted this AIBU request at the end of a long and frustrating attempt to get your OH to try and see things your way.

There are a few things which IMO, are making this more difficult for you and the family. Having a discussion and stating 'I hope that xyz' is very confrontational - whether you meant it or not so maybe it's not surprising that DH took it that way.

With regards to family time and church:

Make the kids go too. If they're too young to stay home along for half an hour whilst you pop out then they're young enough for parents to make some decisions for them. You tell DH that if he wants to go to church every week, he takes the DCs and so it's in his best interest to find a shorter sermon time and a church that has interesting children's part of the sermon - whether separate or with main congregation

Tell him he needs to compromise on service length I actually don't know of any churches which have services longer than an hour - nowadays they are usually around 45 mins unless there's christenings or similar

Alternate his church service days/times there are early times and alternative days - usually Saturday evening

IMO there's more to this maybe because he works away, he's not go a good friends/social base outside of family. Church kills 2 birds with 1 stone. He feels good (I know what he means - I'm not as regular as I used to be but when I do go to church, I feel so much better afterwards) and he gets to see the same people regularly - and congregations do usually tend to be friendly at the service and the 'social' afterwards (which usually only lasts 15 - 30 mins)

May I also be bold and suggest that you not pour all your frustrations into one event - as you have shared, there are other problems which seem completely unrelated. Putting them all in the same basket will not help.

Best of luck.

PS - YABU to ask someone to change something as personal as needing to go to church, however YANBU to expect DH to compromise and work his needs around those of his family which, at the moment, he does not seem to be doing.

PPS - You've stated your frustrated, hence some of the aggression, however most of it seemed directed at people who did not agree with you. AIBU threads are not the best place to start some discussions - maybe this was one of them?

jimjamspam · 06/02/2017 20:02

Mine goes 3 times on a Sunday but then he is the vicar

Kjc105 · 06/02/2017 20:05

YADNBU! How anyone could prioritise church over family is beyond me, it really is. I also don't get how you can't 'touch' religion as if it's above everything else. IMO you live for the here and now and not for the worship of a "God".

Flatscissors · 06/02/2017 20:07

So to summarise, you are not prepared to do what he wants to do for one hour per week but you do expect him to do what you want to him do.

YABU/YANBU*

*Delete as appropriate.

Willow2016 · 06/02/2017 20:08

xmb53

When exactly does OP get 'quiet time'? He is only home 12 weekends out of the year she does it all herself for months at a time. I am sure he gets days off in his time away to go to church and as he is in the forces they have services he can go to.

SharkBrilliant · 06/02/2017 20:13

I am utterly amazed that so many people have suggested going to church with him as a compromise!

So, religion is "part of his life", makes him "who he is", but OP should just sit next to him, mentally checked-out, so that she can see him on a Sunday morning?

Whether you are a believer or not, surely it's ludicrous to think that OP and DCs should attend with him??

AML84 · 06/02/2017 20:14

YANBU - if he's only going 'because it makes him feel like a better person'. How about actually being a better person and looking after/spending time with his kids!

On the other hand, perhaps that's what he says but he actually does it to have some him time - commuting and travelling for work are both stressful and not pleasurable. Perhaps he just needs that breather. Just make sure you get some me-time too.

Willow2016 · 06/02/2017 20:16

bbismad
RTT!
Its not an hour its all bloody morning EVERY sunday he is home all 12 of them he spends at home a YEAR!
He can go to church any other sunday he wants to!
He doesnt go to the one church he flits from one to another, he isnt in one particular 'faith'.

How the hell can she lie in bed with 2 little kids to look after?

When does she get time to herself? When does she get to do something 'just for her'?

And why the hell should she go to church for nearly 3 hours if she doesnt believe in god? Why should her kids be forced to go too? Everything in his family's life is organised around HIM, when does he put them first?

reallynothelpful · 06/02/2017 20:16

It seems to me that it is not church that is the issue but perhaps that you resent him being away so much and you carrying a full load. You describe having given up your job because of his work.
I would suggest that you find something for yourself that you enjoy and take time to not be mum for an hour each week.
Feeling like this is not unreasonable but if you start to demand he does not go you may be being unreasonable.
Feelings are not right or wrong they are just feelings, it is how we act on them that makes us unreasonable.
Take time for you and talk to him about how you feel. Tell him you miss him and then make sure you have regular time together without the kids.

Idlemummy · 06/02/2017 20:17

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I understand that it makes him feel good, a better person, even less stressed. However, as a mum whose husband works away and who also cannot pursue any regular classes/interests, cannot nip out in the evening for a couple of household items, or see friends on any regular basis, it's also important to consider your own stress levels. To have family time (I'm not even counting potential weekend time to yourself - which is also needed if any of your kids are still at home) restricted to a day and a half is hard, especially when those days, in my experience, are interrupted by parties and seeing other family such as grandparents and cousins. But maybe I am overly romanticising family time. Anyway, if you are resenting the situation, that's not healthy either and maybe you could - not unreasonably in my view - request an every-other-week option, with an option for you to do something when he's not at church? I find I am the last one I take care of, to my detriment.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 06/02/2017 20:21

I feel like I'm having to repeat myself somewhat. Thanks for the constructive advice, will hopefully work something out. Unfortunately, it's one event in a string of occasions in which I feel unvalued and taken for granted.
I have moved a number of times as a result of his job, so it's not as easy as 'go out with friends ' to do something for me. His work is very sociable, esp all the eating /drinking out while away.
I know I am responsible for making my own social circle. I find it hard. It's not just peaceful time or personal time, I like spending time all together, it's good for the family bond while he's here, even if it's just hanging out at home, and don't quite see why he doesn't see this as important as I do and fit church around it, at least once a fortnight. And by all means go at the preferred time the alternate week. I've had to fit my life around his choice of career and it's the assumption that I'm unreasonable if he doesn't get his first choice of action that I struggle with.

OP posts:
Notquitewhatiexpected · 06/02/2017 20:26

Hang on a sec all you people jumping on the OP. She said he's often away with work, plus he doesn't see the kids before work or much after. It's about her feeling dumped upon.

WankersHacksandThieves · 06/02/2017 20:26

OP, you are being perfectly reasonable - a lot more reasonable than I would be :o - you've offered a compromise, you haven't said he can't go, just that he should find a better time to go that doesn't impinge on your precious family time, on 6 of the 12 weekends that he is home.

Before he knows it, your children will be full grown and he'll regret the chance to have a relationship with them and you. Also, picture yourself when the kids are grown and away and he is retired - will you want to still be in a relationship with this man? If not, then I'd do something about it now.

Oliversmumsarmy · 06/02/2017 20:27

My advice to the op is to book kids into an activity that lasts about 3 hours on a Sunday that way you get time on your own and dh is getting his time.

However something tells me he would soon be ditching the church.

From where I am standing you are always busy looking after kids so no chance of anyone else coming on the scene. He can go away and come back and go where he pleases and you have no say.

My concern would be that he might not like you having time on your hands