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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

602 replies

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 22:56

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

OP posts:
Daydream007 · 06/02/2017 17:55

If it's only a couple of hours max then let him do it. If it's doing him good and makes him feel better for it then don't put pressure on him to stop.

derxa · 06/02/2017 17:59

And - "Family Time" (capital letters) : the new Holy of Holies. Woe betide any heretic who doesn't buy (and it often is buy) into Family Time. I'm all for having a nice time as a family. But Family Time? Shudder. I agree. Fucking Family Time.

TheOriginalChatelaine · 06/02/2017 18:05

Have you ever tried going as a family? Keep an open mind. To answer your question yabu. Lots of sound reasons have already been expressed. I'll just add that for myself attending Church allows me to process this broken world of ours and an opportunity for thanksgiving for all the goodness and potential within it. Not only that but the fellowship and support shared with likeminded people is important.

starlight13 · 06/02/2017 18:07

YANBU. He sounds selfish sorry. Like you say, he is away a lot and doesn't spend much time with the family. Surely he has his own space when he is away. People use religion as an excuse and in my experience are the self righteous types. If I were you I would let him go without him feeling guilty ( why does he think going into a building makes him a better person? He can talk to God at home can't he?!) And then when he gets back a couple of hours later, then you go out and do something that you enjoy for a few hours until he asks you to stop going. Sorry it's a bit of a rant but you do most of the family stuff by the sounds of it and you NEED something for yourself - Sunday afternoon sounds just perfect but I bet he won't like it.

bbismad · 06/02/2017 18:15

Yes. YABVU! Faith is vitally important to some people...your husband obviously has a strong faith and so although you don't see church is obligatory, he will. Church for many people is their support net, for their social life, they feel part of a community of people in a way that you don't elsewhere in life. Spirituality is good for mental health and for someone who is a believer, their faith is a priority. There's no reason you can't stay in bed, watch TV, catch up on netlix or whatever you want to do whilst your husband goes out to church for an hour and or two on a Sunday morning. To prevent him from doing something, purely because you don't understand it, is terribly unfair and controlling. You could always try going with him to support him...if you begrudge that time so much.

Clandestino · 06/02/2017 18:17

Why can't you simply take the kids somewhere else? It doesn't have to be shopping. Cinema, walk in the park, playcentre. Somewhere, where all of them feel good. My understanding is that your kids are old to go to school, why can't you top up shopping after they go to school? You speak about family time but that can't be forced. If he wants to have some time for himself, let him, maybe it calms him down and helps to focus his mind after a manic working week. Can't you do something on Saturday, if you so much want some family time together?

Shockers · 06/02/2017 18:18

There's usually a short communion service that's quite early. Does his church have one?

He'd be back home before you were all out of your pyjamas!

Ginseng1 · 06/02/2017 18:36

Yabu & you should Havel encouraged the kids to keep going with him least then you'd get an hr or two to yourself!!!!

gameofchance · 06/02/2017 18:36

Yanbu. I think given your situation / circumstances it's important to prioritise time as a family. Surely your dh can practice his faith without going to church on Sunday every week. And there are plenty ways to get involved in social life of church at other times / or in other ways

sleeponeday · 06/02/2017 18:39

His attitude and conduct on this subject is pretty unChristian.

If you have time for the vicar/priest, maybe suggest with your husband that the two of you seek some joint spiritual counselling with him or her on the topic. Maybe I'm just spoiled by my experiences with clergy, but they tend to be keen on marriage, keen on partnership, and keen on faith being lived outside the confines of the building for worship.

Lallypop · 06/02/2017 18:41

I think people are being very unreasonable and quite rude towards you TBH. I'm probably in your husbands position as I would like to attend church more but just don't have the time. I totally see both sides. You have the children a lot and rarely see your husband, so when you do see him you expect him to devote his time to you. He seems to get a lot of alone time whilst working away. All this said I think you need to let your husband go to church as it is important to him.

pollymere · 06/02/2017 18:48

Missing it occasionally for a family event you've planned is not unreasonable. Asking him to replace it with shopping is! He has a right to do something for an hour or two a week. Maybe you need to find something you want to do on another night and do that. It's worse that you're arguing against his beliefs but I'm sure in a way it's similar to him playing football in a team. I once had this row with a boyfriend but only because he'd watched Man U plays all afternoon and then cancelled our date saying he needed to go to church and then do some work! I suspect my anger was more at watching the game than his church attendance though...

Dulcimena · 06/02/2017 18:52

Have just read through all 16 pages. Op, yadnbu and I really hope you can find a way forward that works for you and the dc, with or without your husband. The situation (and he himself) sounds utterly draining Flowers

Gwenhwyfar · 06/02/2017 18:54

"Maybe I'm just spoiled by my experiences with clergy, but they tend to be keen on marriage, keen on partnership, and keen on faith being lived outside the confines of the building for worship."

Yes, but they're not likely to tell someone who wants to go to church that he should go Sunday shopping instead.

Alleycat1 · 06/02/2017 18:54

Well, op you really are getting both barrels from other posters! I think a lot of people haven't read the full thread. You are essentially a single mother for about 9 months of the year - of course you want your husband to spend more time with the family when he actually is home. The problem isn't the amount of time he spends at church it is the fact he ignores the needs of his wife and children and refuses to even discuss things. Does he ever look after your Dc so that you can pursue a hobby or have some free time? The shopping issue is a red herring really, isn't it. I feel for you and hope you and your mainly absentee husband can come to a satisfactory compromise.

Scaredycat3000 · 06/02/2017 19:02

Orlanda
That's exactly what many xtians tell me when I explain my dislike for organized religion is based on experience. They try and distance the vicar from xtianity. Completely missing the point that he was supported and aided by CofE. He's not changed, I checked his wiki page for a laugh, full of lies as usual. Peddling lies for a living seems, he can never stop! Also please remember that I have continued to experience life within xtian communities, no group of people are all the same, and know that in my experience a higher percentage of religious people are morally reprehensible ether excusing their behaviour as they are xtian so must be good people, or blatantly using religion to hide behind.

Gwenhwyfar · 06/02/2017 19:08

" in my experience a higher percentage of religious people are morally reprehensible ether excusing their behaviour as they are xtian so must be good people, or blatantly using religion to hide behind."

Your experience doesn't trump anyone else's.

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 06/02/2017 19:08

I can see where you're coming from but I do think you are. Ring unreasonable.
You could also choose to go to church with him....say once a month or so. Not that you're religious but just so that you can connect with him more. He then may be more likely to take a weekend off of church etc.

Jeanne51 · 06/02/2017 19:11

Life is more than worshipping every week. What about your relationship?

Sarahrellyboo1987 · 06/02/2017 19:11

Scaredycat

I'm not a religious person but what I hate more than anything is an atheist thinking they're morally superior because they don't believe in god. Or an atheist that thinks they can ram atheism down someone's throat. Or atheists that ask people to prove their god.

Personally I'm agnostic and I'm intrigued by all religions and I'm happy to experience all of them.

Naicehamshop · 06/02/2017 19:15

Why the hell should she go to church if she doesn't believe in it, Sarah?
Of all the ridiculous comments posted on here, that is the worst.

Yanbu op - and, what's more, your dh sounds like a selfish, opinionated bully.

Hellsbells35 · 06/02/2017 19:17

You are completely in the right! I would be livid. Family time is really important and if he doesn't see you and the kids much he should be prioritising time spent with you. The fact that's it's all fake and false makes it even worse. He is wasting precious time in worshiping something that does not exist. I'd tell him to grow up. I imagine he's incredibly selfish and likes "me" time - despite having an awful or of it.

WankersHacksandThieves · 06/02/2017 19:18

Maybe he feels the need for forgiveness after a week of heavy porn?

Why are you still with this arsehole OP?

And for all those who keep suggesting that the the OP should do to church and take the children to church, why should she deliberately expose herself and her children to a ridiculous cult that none of them believe in in order to be closer to a man who puts them at the bottom of his priority list.? Fuck that.

DagenhamRoundhouse · 06/02/2017 19:27

Sorry but it may be he only time he gets any peace!

WankersHacksandThieves · 06/02/2017 19:29

Sorry but it may be he only time he gets any peace!

Apart from the the time off he has when he is away for 9 months you mean? Hmm

And when does the OP get peace?

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