To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

[FritzDonovan]

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

Oh dear it's sounds like there is more to then church stuff then. It's fine that you don't want to go, but you will push him away if you make a big issue about him going. also you sound quite frustrated & a bit aggressive on some of your replies to people so perhaps, you should consider speaking to relate. They will be able to help identify and work through stuff

Or, indeed, the much more prevalent "pro religion malarky"........

But when you try and get an opinion on one issue like that, the answers you get aren't going to be fair.

In most families, one adult going to church on a Sunday morning won't be a problem, but those families don't have the background you do - you compromised a lot for him, he's away most weekends so church takes away a big chunk of family time, and he's obviously not that devout if he's hidden a 10 year porn habit from you.

People can't give you fair replies if you don't give all the information. In situations like this, you can't often separate issues like that. Everything you've mentioned in your subsequent posts will change the impact of the original problem.

Do you know yet his religious denomination and how much time his church takes (eg the 45 minutes of a Catholic mass is not really going to be taking family time away when there is from about 6am to midnight on Sundays.

Thinking yes, I am increasingly frustrated, that I have bent over backwards to facilitate his life thus far, yet he takes offence at me expressing a hope that he's not automatically assuming it's fine to be out every Sunday morning. He expects me to understand his needs and wants, but doesn't appear interested in understanding my opinion. I am just wrong.
Sorry for the aggression, I have talked to death over various things with him to try and work it out, yet his first reaction in EVERY situation is that I am trying to attack him in some way. I'm just worn out by it. If he thinks I'm such a shitty person why is he still here? (probably because he couldn't continue with his job and easy life without me looking after the kids full time)

Religion is as important to some people as playing football every weekend or going for a Parkrun. But it's way more than a hobby!
As others have said, it doesn't really matter that a couple of hours are gone on a Sunday morning, have a lie in!
My husband is not religious, but in the Summer he goes off every Sunday in his restored 1969 Bristol RV coach to attend bus and transport rallies.
We used to go, but it got boring. But I won't deny him his hobby, even if it's like a 'religion' to him.

Hermione I get what you're saying, but did just want opinions of church going vs time with family given the amount he works away. Nothing else.
Enormous c of e, whichever branch he finds most interesting in the area. He doesn't stick with one if he doesn't like the ppl/sermons. This Sunday he was gone from 9.15 to 11.45, as he stayed for the social. He only ever skips the social if we have to be elsewhere. This seems to be just as important, if not more so than the religious aspect. Eg, when we last moved he didn't attend church for the last month or so as, in his words it wasn't worth it, because we were moving on. If the religious aspect is so important to him, why didn't he go whenever he had the opportunity?

Most church services offer alternative times, so Sat evening, Sun Morning or Sun evening and he should look at being flexible by using those - alright not everyone he may want to see goes to those services but that has to be his compromise. Make sure he sorts the kids Sun am until he goes to Church with or without them - sounds like C of E with Sun School although some Catholic churches also run something similar. Children do not have to go to these they can stay in the main church if they want to. I would encourage them to go with him now and then as a) a bit of a break for you and b) so they can see what it is all about.

You are being unreasonable demanding he only goes twice a month. Regular Sun worship is a part of the deal. I can remember years of being away weekends with parents and hunting down churches for my Mum who is a devout Catholic even though Dad is a couldn't care less but will acknowledge C of E.

Its a part of who he is. It doesn't make him perfect and you can't thow "his sins" at him as a reason why he shouldn't go either

Why didn't he go - maybe he was reacting to how you feel about it and knew if you were moving it was a strain etc and he gave that up for the family.

There are always two sides to things and it does sound like you struggle to communicate between you. Church is generally an event and Vicars do try to build community - perhaps you should try the socials too and get to know some of these people - you don't have to be in church to support him.

Why didn't he go - maybe he was reacting to how you feel about it and knew if you were moving it was a strain etc and he gave that up for the family.

There are always two sides to things and it does sound like you struggle to communicate between you. Church is generally an event and Vicars do try to build community - perhaps you should try the socials too and get to know some of these people - you don't have to be in church to support him.

RB68 I used to enjoy going to some services together despite not being religious (Christmas etc) until we had a baby. Since then he assumed I would stay at home with baby while he went. I went sometimes with him as a family when kids were a bit older, but it was difficult keeping them quiet and entertained (too small for the offered, sometimes irregular Sunday school). When they were old enough for Sunday school he took them so I had a bit of time to get on with things at home without kids underfoot. When the kids decided they didn't want to go anymore, he went alone. I took the kids to other church based activities myself through the week and when he was away. I feel I have offered plenty of support, but personally find church services intensely boring. I have known the church community at our previous church through the additional activities. I feel intense disappointment that he doesn't appear to value or recognise the support I have given in the past, and his first reaction is that I am dismissing and attacking his views. No, we don't communicate well, he doesn't discuss things until it's turned into an argument.

YABU.

Your relationship doesn't sound like much fun. It's convenient for him that any opposing opinion you have is just you being a bitch. Communication shut down. By him. I couldn't live with that level of dominant behaviour. And he gets to shout at your mum!! He's an arse by the sound of it and that's without the devout showy sociable Christian/porn watching angry husband low impact father routine taken into account. You sound cross and I don't blame you.

I think you know that the relationship is one sided.
He gets the career he wants and the 'hobby' he wants and you get to sacrifice your career, keep the home and look after the kids.
If you want something for you and the family you are being a bitch.

I seriously would reconsider staying with someone who hasnt an iota of respect for you or his family. Its all show - family time on his terms only, as is the church and no doubt his career.

He thinks more of himself than the rest of you put together. You are basically a full time single mum apart from the brief time he is at home so why put up with him tellling you how bad you are when you have done so much for him?

I am loving that people seem to know better than you and are still telling you that 45min - an hour is ok and you are being unreasonable when you have repeatedly said that it takes up the whole sunday morning

You arent stopping him going to church just that he doesnt need to go every sunday on the only 12 sundays you have with him in a year. There are 40 other sundays!

Op - having read your last few posts I am mystified as to why you are still with him

OP I don't think there is any point at looking at the church thing "in isolation". This isn't an intellectual exercise, you can't look at that issue out of the wider context.

Your relationship sounds like it is really struggling - you struggle to hear one another and communicate in a way that doesn't breed anger/resentment. Your DH sounds dismissive, difficult and defensive. You sound overburdened at resentful at the unfairness of how things have panned out.

At the same time you are dealing with the emotional and attachment difficulties inherent in long separations and then the subsequent reunions.

I think the church thing is just an illustration of what is a deeper problem.

We are a clergy family. Going to communion on Sunday is the cornerstone of my DH's life and his spiritual discipline. It's not a hobby, often he can't be arsed, but he shows up anyway. I respect him for it, and he helps me to keep to that discipline too as I can sail along in his wake. If it were down to me I wouldn't bother so much and my life would be the poorer for it.

We almost always go to church together as a family and then out for lunch afterwards. But if from time to time I say - "do you know what, I'm knackered, the kids are knackered, we need a lazy Sunday, I'm skipping it this week", then he will get up earlier, go to the 8 o'clock and be back home at 9.

Whether you are being U in asking him not to go every week depends entirely on your relationship and what he is like generally. I feel I would be U to tell my DH he couldn't go, as he is always prepared to try and bend in other ways and listens to me. But given what your DH is like I am not sure that you are BU. Or to put it another way, you wouldn't mind him going if things were otherwise good?

Other thoughts having read this thread - I do find it interesting how absolutely horrified people are that someone could say that God is at the centre of their lives, more than their children even. I love my children deeply. But they are not the be all and end all, nor a project, nor the meaning of life. In that sense, God is more important to me than them.

And - "Family Time" (capital letters) : the new Holy of Holies. Woe betide any heretic who doesn't buy (and it often is buy) into Family Time. I'm all for having a nice time as a family. But Family Time? Shudder.

I'm not RTFT. It'll just wind me up because putting an imaginary friend befor your own RL family just have no justification.
My DM put church before her family. Even after I left town and visited for the weekend she would still put church befor family. Because it's not just an hour, unless you run in at the last minute sit at the back and run out at the end. More like 3 hours, setting up, having a coffee, clearing up. I'd see her for an hour for lunch then leave to travel home. It only stopped because the vicar told her she worked more sundays than her. If DM had been working away from home for 9 months the vicar wouldn't have known she was putting church above family. 9 months away, 12 weeks with you, church every other week as you request, so missing 6 weeks of church a year. OP YANBU, you are being extremely far and tolerant. There are early Sunday services, weekday services, evening services, I would be asking him to look into those.

Church was an all day event for me, only service is a Sunday ( LDS ). we would have classes in the morning followed by the service then food & drinks after while you chatted to everyone, could be 3/4pm before you left.

OP,

Just want to say sympathy. I think you've had a lot of flak. I completely understand where you are coming from, but I also think I understand where some of him is too. He prob does need that additional adult companionship, relaxed and undemandibg, as well as a quiet time. But some of him is just arse, the bit that doesn't see or decides to ignore the needs of wife and children.

I assume you would feel almost the same if it were football or fishing ( although the porn thing would make me incandescent too, adding hypocrisy to selfishness ).

My view, perhaps advice, would be to state over and over again in an unemotional voice " I understand it's what you feel you need but your kids need you too. I suggest we [compromise and you go to the early service every other time so you can be with the kids. ] or whatever you think an acceptable compromse is.

Don't get drawn into argument. If he's good at arguing he'll just use it as an excuse to win/ control. Just repeat, essence of assertiveness training. Respond with this saying, don't react, remember, smile and wave, smile and wave, it's very difficult to argue with.

But also do decide whether deep down he's nice enough to remain with, without damage to your children, and look after yourself,

OK read a few bits, I've repeated lots of others opinions.
I would like to add to the Christians are morally superior shit, the reason I stopped attending church at 4 years old was because of the new vicar. He was a bully, family by family he harassed, spread lies directly about each member of my family, yes I was 3 at the time, blamed some lies on family friends, he did this until he bullied many families out of the church and banned them from every church in the area, no he didn't have the authority to do that. I mostly remember my DM coming home from church in floods of tears, she isn't a crier, on many occasions. Most of the bullied families moved to the next church. They got one of the first female vicars, it was considered a punishment by the CofE by the congregation. The vicar is now a Bishop. I remember my Dad saying to the vicar 'If you're a christian I don't want to be one'.

Sorry
They got one of the first female vicars
The church the victims moved to got the female vicar.
My DM still put them befor her family. I had fun with my Dad on sundays.

YANBU. When do you get time to do what YOU want?

Maybe it's the only quiet time he gets all week.

Scaredy, he sounds awful, I'm so sorry. Your poor family.

But not all Christians are like that. ( and he might have changed? You never know- let's hope so..) Please don't tar all with the same brush: I'm sure you wouldn't about other religious sects, or political parties, or other groups of people.