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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

602 replies

FritzDonovan · 04/02/2017 22:56

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 05/02/2017 19:27

dailyshite there's plenty of child abuse in secular institutions as well. Children's homes, for example.

WankersHacksandThieves · 05/02/2017 19:48

dailyshite there's plenty of child abuse in secular institutions as well. Children's homes, for example Funnily enough they don't ban christians from working in secular organisations so how do you know that christians weren't involved?

dailyshite · 05/02/2017 19:55

Thats as may be Gwen, but there isn't anyone on this thread (or anywhere that I have heard), declaring that working in a children's home makes someone a better person than those who don't. Unlike christianity.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 05/02/2017 20:05

Aquietmind, charming comment, thanks. I asked a q just as most on MN do, not with the intention of dropping it and 'fucking off' as you so nicely put it.
I had intended to leave the thread as dh was aware I had asked here (out of frustration with how he took my question to him re planning on being out every Sunday morning - 9.15 to 11.45am this week btw) and was not happy. I caught up with a few pages today and will be back to answer some q when I have more time. It seems to have gone way beyond the opinions to my personal circumstances. Thanks to all who have commented, particularly those who rtft! And sympathies to those who have commented on their own difficulties. Interestingly, it seems that most ppl who say IABU have an absolute opinion - to reiterate, I am not asking him to give up his religion, or where he worships, or even the time he goes....(I understand all the personal reasons behind it)... just that, given our family situation, I had hoped he was not going to insist on the Sunday morning EVERY WEEK. Didn't get a chance to discuss it, I was told at that point I was trying to make him feel guilty. Hence my frustration and posting.

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 05/02/2017 20:06

It doesn't seem fair to say he is opting out of childcare as he was taking the children with him

Only for him to hand them over to some one else. Even taking them to church he wasn't looking after them

lapetitesiren · 05/02/2017 21:53

Depends on the individual church but usually the children are involved at the beginning and end of the service and go out during the readings, sermon and prayers for age appropriate learning activity or sunday school so they would still be there as a family for part. When the children come back its quite common for them to show their activity- drawing or song etc to the congregation.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 05/02/2017 23:39

Going to church does not automatically make you a better person.

Christianity does not give you monopoly on human kindness. Neither does following any other faith.

OP, I understood completely what you meant, so did the others who had actually rtft and managed to not jump on you.

Mind you OP, do behave, you've got 24/7 to do as you please whilst also being a sole SAHM for the best part of a year remember. So entitled of you Wink

Gwenhwyfar · 06/02/2017 08:21

"there isn't anyone on this thread (or anywhere that I have heard), declaring that working in a children's home makes someone a better person"

I've heard it a few times - the idea that if you work in care you're a more caring person.
I don't understand all the Christian-bashing on this thread anyway. Fine, some people don't like religion, but can they still not respect others' religions?

EnormousTiger · 06/02/2017 08:35

Very anti Christian sentiment on here which has surprised me. However freedom of speech is fine. I am now an atheist but I don't think someone going to church for 45 minutes on a Sunday every week is a misogynist neglectng his family duties! In fact pleny of us love routines in life so doing the same thing every week or day actually does help people have stable lives.

BertrandRussell · 06/02/2017 08:39

"I don't understand all the Christian-bashing on this thread anyway."

Disagreeing is not "Christian bashing". However much Christians would like to think it is.

derxa · 06/02/2017 08:39

Very anti Christian sentiment on here which has surprised me Have you been on MN long?

BarchesterFlowers · 06/02/2017 08:59

I get this completely OP. DH worked away at least half the year in a previous job leaving me at home with DC, large and small animals. I sacrificed my own career (joint decision entirely) to facilitate his, and I earned more than him, we just decided that way.

When he was at home I wanted a bit of downtime, wanted to be together, wanted him to share the responsibilities of home life and be a family.

Yes, we often needed something from the shops despite a pantry and a freezer, still often do at the weekend, including Sunday.

So I would share your view. Doesn't matter whether it is football or church it is still a morning at the weekend which is precious family time.

Thinkingofausername1 · 06/02/2017 09:25

Church Is about connecting with Jesus. Having a relationship with Jesus. So many people go for the wrong reasons. Where it's great he has an interest in church. Spending time with his family is bettering yourself too

BarchesterFlowers · 06/02/2017 09:41

Some of us don't believe in Jesus Thinking so don't particularly see it as great, just as someone choosing to do something other than spend time with his family, give his DW a bit of a break by sharing the load - he is more absent from family life than most.

I would consider riding a bike better for him than going to church. I am not saying he needs to spend every minute with family, but there are ways round it. DH used to get up at first light and go for a fast bike ride on Sundays, coming home for a cooked breakfast. I used to go for a slower ride when he got back - or we went together later on with child seats - or we decided to do something else, together.

Every Sunday morning, all morning would be a bit of an issue for me.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 06/02/2017 09:56

spending time with his family is bettering yourself too
Pardon? I have spent time with his family, regularly every fortnight when we lived closer. His dad was very rude and dismissive to me on more than one occasion, so l'm glad I don't have to spend as much time with them now. ( My family have never said anything negative to him, even the time he shouted at my mum) Obv being dismissive runs in the family, he told me today he has read this thread. Nothing of his opinion has changed. According to him I am in the wrong for telling the kids they don't have to go to church (conveniently forgetting that I said that when it was at the point the youngest was crying and shouting because he didn't want to go. But obv he knows what's best for them and I shouldn't pander to them.)
There's no point me answering anything else, as I had intended. He'll get his own way as he wanted, I'll just have to arrange any family weekend stuff for Saturday, he'll get his personal time. I'll have to take my personal time through the week, as long as I keep up with all the usual stuff as well and fit it in with anything else that's going on. Just like I accommodated him remaining in his totally inflexible and family unfriendly military career.
And BTW, he's proof being a Christian doesn't automatically make you a good person. He's been lying to me about his porn watching over the past ten years until I caught him out. That's not the only thing, but having said he wouldn't look anymore, it doesn't appear his religion helped him keep his promise to me, his wife.

Thanks all, it's been an eye opener.

OP posts:
Original poster
FritzDonovan · 06/02/2017 10:00

Oh yeah, forgot he's already got the Mid-life crisis motorcycle, and is talking about taking it out for leisure... Don't know what he wants to kick to the kerb in order to accommodate.
He didn't really get into religion until we had a kid (as far as I remember) and didn't have this crappy job for at least 7 years in either, so don't think I chose any of it.

OP posts:
derxa · 06/02/2017 10:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Aderyn2016 · 06/02/2017 10:05

Why don't you ltb? I'm not saying this flippantly but you are already essentially on your own because he doesn't give a shit about you.
Clearly you can manage the day to day stuff - you do it without him most of the time anyway. He gives you no emotional support. Not sure why you want to spend time with him anyway.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 06/02/2017 10:10

derxa don't be a dick, it wasn't relevant to the initial question, if you've bothered to read.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 06/02/2017 10:14

If you'd put all of that in your OP, you'd have gotten very different responses.

MN doesn't like a drip-feed.

HermioneJeanGranger · 06/02/2017 10:16

Don't have a go at derxa - she has a point. All that IS relevant because it gives background to his behaviour. It's obvious now that the problem is not going to church on a Sunday morning - that's just the straw that broke the camels back.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 06/02/2017 10:21

Possibly hermione, but I just wanted opinions on the Sunday church aspect, nothing else. I possibly am biased because of other stuff, I didn't want this influencing any opinions.

OP posts:
derxa · 06/02/2017 10:35

If you'd just explained your problems in the first place then we wouldn't have had to go through the anti religion malarkey.

Original poster
FritzDonovan · 06/02/2017 10:40

As I just explained, the church is one aspect I wanted an opinion on without other influences. I didn't anticipate all the 'anti religion malarky' as you put it. If I had used an unspecified example of 'personal time' i would no doubt have been accused of drip feeding then, so chose to give the facts related to the question at hand.

OP posts:
AwaywiththePixies27 · 06/02/2017 10:46

Disagreeing with someone is not christian bashing. Next someone will be saying the OP is persecuting her husband simply for holding a different opinion than him .

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