To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

[FritzDonovan]

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

Thank you Margaret.

mindtrope You have already had comments like that deleted once, yet you repeat them

I don't know what an altruistic habit is Mindtrope.

However, as an example, Christians believe lying is wrong. You might think most of the rest of the population believe that too, but you don't need to spend much time on Mumsnet to see so many advocating lying for the most trivial of reasons. If you are not part of a church community your norms are likely to begin to change to what prevails in the rest of the population. Which may differ from the Christian standard.

I can't understand why people don't understand God could come first for many people. It's easy to understand that surely even if you're an atheist. I don't see what is so difficult about understanding God might come first in the life of someone who is religious?

I repeat, Attending church with the right heart and mind, that is, not to put on a show, will make the OP's husband a better husband and father.

but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so

Christ, he'd be a 'better person' if used that wasted hour to appreciate his family, teach his child a new skill or you could all go for a walk together.

Oh this thread is BONKERS. Such self righteous twaddle. And the poor woman who believes that her god is more worthy of her love than her children. Well, it beggars belief.

OP. Your dh is a selfish arse.

When the DC were little, I used to go to church every couple of weeks, but it's not the same. Now, I take the children with me once a month when there is Sunday school and go without them the rest of the time. I am flexible about timing, so if there are plans to do something as a family, I will go to evensong or the early morning service instead.

In my household, the conflict isn't about time together as a family, but about having time apart to be alone and do our own thing. So what works for us is that I take the children out on Saturday afternoons so that we each get a couple of hours of freedom over the weekend.

It's not about not understanding that their god may come first or be important to some people. It's about the fact that it's a ridiculous concept and people should be caring about actual living, breathing family members to which they have a commitment.

From the mainstream CofE christmas services I've (reluctantly) attended there is emphasis from vicars on church etc being even more important than family!

6pm on a weekday isn't THAT late for someone WoH FT to get home IMO.

Why did you chuck in your job because "it wouldn't fit with his"? Could HE not have made some changes to his job too? If you want to change the status quo and return to WoH employment he could still do that.

charlestonchaplin
You clearly have not come across bible passages which say you should be prepared to turn your back on your family, if say your family are an obstruction to your worship of God. Attending church with the right heart and mind, that is, not to put on a show, will make the OP's husband a better husband and father.

I am sorry but any religion that puts your family last after an hour and a half of singing hymms isnt a religion I want to be part of.

This guy has 40 other sundays to go to church.
He has 12 sundays to spend with his family A YEAR!
I know which one he should be priotitising for those 12 days.

The whole family has changed their way of life to accomodate him, now they are expected to just wait for him to get round to them on a sunday?

It doesnt make him a better father if he isnt even there 40 weekends in a year and uses 1/4 of the rest of the weekends for himself!

Why cant he miss a few church services? Its not the end of the world, it wont make him a 'bad christian' to spend time with his family 12 days a year! Its preposterous.

And who the hell has the choice not to work weekends just because they want to go to church? There are many non essential jobs that require you to work weekends. I can just imaging a person going for a job in a shop saying, yep I want the job but I can NEVER work a sunday morning cos I HAVE to go to church. (and I dont believe this only applies to christians either btw) If you take on a job that requires you to work a certain day then you work it regardless of religion.

Religion should be regular communion with God from your heart not a public display. Yes if you have the time to go to church fine, thats your option, but not at the exclusion of those who have changed their lives due to a promise you made to make that time family time. It doesnt have to be every sunday, once or twice a month should suffice.

You see this as a choice between God and family, Hacks. It's not and it rarely is. Becoming a Christian has made many people better husbands, wives, parents, sisters, brothers, members of society.

Becoming a Christian has made many people better husbands, wives, parents, sisters, brothers, members of society.

I'm sorry, but being a christian or following a religion doesn't mean you occupy the moral high ground. Child abuse scandals for a start.

It;s amazing what people think they can get away with when they think that "god" will forgive them. imo it's like a free pass to be shitty.

Plenty of people manage to be decent human beings without relying on fairy stories.

But not the OP's husband, clearly.

You dropped a lovely thread here op before fucking off and not returning.

YABTU

OP, is it Orthodoxy?

Willow

"who the hell has the choice not to work weekends just because they want to go to church? "

From a government website: www.gov.uk/sunday-working
Opting out of Sunday working
All shop and betting shop workers can opt out of Sunday working unless Sunday is the only day they have been employed to work on.

An employee can opt out of Sunday working at any time, even if they have agreed to work on Sundays in their contract.

The employee must give their employer 3 months’ notice that they want to opt out of Sunday working. They must continue to work on Sundays during the 3 month notice period if their employer wants them to.

An employer who needs staff to work on Sundays must tell them in writing that they can opt out. They must do this within 2 months of the person starting work - if they don’t, only 1 month’s notice is needed to opt out.

Staff who opt out of Sunday working mustn’t be treated unfairly.

An employee can’t be dismissed or treated in an unfavourable way for choosing not to work on Sundays.

"I am sorry but any religion that puts your family last after an hour and a half of singing hymms isnt a religion I want to be part of."

Who cares if you want to be part of it or not, it's about OP's DH, not you. I would argue there's something wrong with the way they live their lives if he can't be away from home for an hour. (I realise someone mentioned it's the whole morning and if so, that is a different matter).

"
Also I would say I do know a few people that go to the pub religiously. Its all the same when your a home with the kids waiting for DP to come home."

It's not the same because the whole family could go to church together.

It is the whole rmorning and it's 6 whole mornings out of 12 he has in the whole year with his family .

It's just my opinion everyone else can disagree it's fine but taking yourself out of the family time that you instigated as family time for that much time out of 12 days a year is pretty selfish.

I remember a couple of weekends away with family friends where the husband was an avid church goer. Oh the palaver about going to a place with a church nearby so "D" could attend, then the "gentle" persuasion from him the night before to try and get us to go with him, then the sitting around waiting for D to finish at church before we could all go and do anything, then he'd come back and want a cup of tea before anything could happen, then we'd get little lectures on the church and what he'd said to the vicar and what D thought of the service. On and ON it went. The thing was it all seemed very passive aggressive to me, designed to irritate his wife and show us all what a good Christian man he was.

I'd never stop it OP but I confess I would be rolling my eyes and it might become one of this little marital annoyances that just became too hard to bear after a few years.

Becoming a Christian has made many people better husbands, wives, parents, sisters, brothers, members of society.

See, I believe this- I've seen it first hand. Ive also seen people who leave religion behind become much better people too.

But it saddens me when people like born- again christians adopt faith to try and heal something about themselves they are struggling with. My neighbours are born again Christians, both lovely people and their faith dominates every part of their lives. They both had difficult childhoods and not very good relationships with their parents. In the husband's case he has carved out a family to love him and give him the rules and boundaries he missed out on as a child, he has someone (god) to look up to and say "aren't i doing well". With his wife its a similar story but god provides her with a father figure she craved and needed growing up with an overbearing mother and abusive grandmother. They have both told myself and dh that this is the reason they turned to Christianity.

Dh is an atheist- he debates on very friendly terms regularly with the husband, about creationism and the bible ect, the husband told my dh he would be 'too scared' to be an atheist because with all the horrors happening in the world, he feels he would have no one protecting him.

I think being christian and having a support network at church really helps these people. But to me and dh they could get the same benefits without believing in a god. The idea that a being holds your life in his hands and you are part of his 'plan' sickens and terrifies me, but it makes our neighbours feel safe, and gives their lives purpose.

I know that when we leave they pray for us, they feel sorry for us because they think if only we could except god into our hearts then we would see the world in the beautiful, divine way they do.
But they have no idea of the joy and freedom we get from shutting religious faith out of our lives.

Some of the meanest people I know have described themselves as Christian. It doesn't mean shit in terms of 'niceness' as a spouse or parent.
Some people are lovely and others are not - religious belief has little to do with it imo.

Personally I think the OP is being unreasonable. However I'm afraid that Charles, your posts are making me so cross. This blind assumption that people who go to church / believe in God are more moral than those who don't is so far outside my experience it would be laughable if it weren't so awful.

Layers upon layers of churchgoers / officials / bishops etc who were aware of and chose to hide sexual abuse, going on for years. And the people who challenged and supported someone to challenge and stand up to that were non church goers who had been ignored and vilified for having the audacity to get divorced.

They have a child as well, they are raising him Christian, he is only a baby but they have both smacked him at least once each, for different reasons. She told me she had done it so matter- of- factly, like it was the most normal thing in the world. I asked him about it and he said they were following advice from a parenting corse they both attended, run by christians, and they gave me the book that accompanies the course.

I reported them both anonymously. Ive never and would never, lay a hand on my child like that.