To not want dh to go to church every Sunday

[FritzDonovan]

Bit of background - he's not intensely religious from what I have experienced over a decade or so of being together. He has an interest in other religions, but likes to go to church regularly as he says he feels a better person having done so. Used to take the kids and put them in Sunday school (so not with him) until they said they didn't like it (they don't believe in God afaik) and I said they didn't have to go.
Ok so far, my issue is that he often works away for both long and short periods of time during which we don't see him at all. He also has a commute to work which means he doesn't see kids in the morning and is back at 6pm each night. So I feel we should be making the most of the family time at weekends when he is here.
I have no problem with him going every other Sunday and when we have nothing on, but when I said I hoped he wasn't going to want to go every Sunday he told me I was trying to make him feel guilty for going (which I wasn't). I'm not saying he doesn't have a right to personal time (I don't regularly go out to anything as it couldn't continue while he's away). Besides anything else, if he went every week it would mean that any necessary boring stuff like top up food shopping would either cut into the remaining family time or I'd have to do it while dragging two complaining kids around.
I gave up my job because it couldn't work around his, and I get all the other household/organisation/kid stuff done during the week. (Although I do some occasional contract work when I can.) AIBU to want to keep the majority of the family time we have for family activities?

"My understanding was that for most denominations, religion could be practiced personally, whenever, wherever, while churchgoing was a 'nice to do'. Even being part of a particular church community could be achieved through attending weekday evening groups (not necessarily weekly) and doing other things than attending mid-morning services every week."

Not for my denomination. When you're confirmed and accepted as an adult member you promise to attend regularly. Not all churches these days have weekday things. When I was a child there used to be an acceptance that many women would not be at the Sunday morning service because of preparing Sunday lunch so I suppose this could be a similar thing for DH, but those women could then attend the afternoon service, something which has since disappeared in many chapels so I presume in churches too.

I think it's awful to not respect someone's right to practice their religion in the usual way for their denomination, particularly if the OP's DH was religious when they first met (doesn't really matter how religious).

I have rtft while sat on my back side in my pjs with Jamie at home on the tv, a laptop on my lap and a coffee in my hand while my 3 and 6 year old play paw patrol. My dh is at 9.30 mass with our 8 year old. He will pick up sausages and rashers on the way home and has a list for lunch top ups for tomorrow. I am also a SAHM and dh works very long hours and works away a good bit. I do understand where you are coming from. Its understandable to feel frustrated about the lack of family time and its easy to focus on the 90 minutes on a sunday as the reason for it. Its 90 minutes on a sunday morning and you have been the parent on call for the majority of the year and he is swanning off out the door again for more "me time" and you are once again the parent on call. But you cant ask him not to go. You can figure out a compromise that works for your family, whether that is him going to mass early in the morning and coming back to cook breakfast, or you all meet up for a family breakfast somewhere nice. He can go on a saturday evening when the kids are bathed and in bed or maybe he can find a service before work? Make it part of your week and if he gets to have a childfree hour at church then make sure you get an hour or two for a bath, a walk, a course on a saturday morning. Maybe look into a weekend activity he can bring the kids to after mass so you get some time to yourself and go for a nice lunch. I don't think its the 90 minutes at church thats the problem, or even the lack of family time. Its hard being a sahm especially when your partner is away working. Resentment can happen easily and then you feel bad for resenting the situation. You need to actively find some time for you even when your dh is away.

And as for faith being a hobby, well to the OP who says that I say in your mind its a hobby. To the person with faith they see it as part of their everyday life, part of their personality. Who are you to say otherwise?

Sorry, haven't RTFT, but has OP said that her DH's church have other services at different times and different days? Not all do.

She said he wasn't particularly religious when they first met. Clearly it would be relevant to know what denomination he is.

Do the Sunday-lunch-preparing women now attend the morning service and serve ready-meals? Alternate church attendance and cooking with their DHs? I find the compromise and accommodation involved in these domestic arrangements interesting - and relevant.

gamer are you on the right thread.

The ops dh leaves in January and doesn't get back till October. There are no evenings and weekend family time for 9 months of the year. That in my eyes is an awfully big commute.

Do you really begrudge him that hour or so that much? Despite the fact he works all week to allow you not to? You get 24/7 to do as you please

As said many many times on this thread it is not 1 hour it is running into 1/2 the day. I also don't think it was really a free choice that she gave up her life to allow her dh to concentrate on his career and for then hm suddenly to develop this need to go to church for a good percentage of the free time he has with them.

As for the "do as she pleases" comment. Maybe she should do as she pleases and get a full time job and let the children get themselves up and to school or nursery on their own or if she fancies taking a couple of weeks to chill out on a beach I am sure the ops dc will survive without her.

What a stupid comment to make.

I wonder what the divorce rate is for couples who have to adjust to day to day living when one has had a long distance job for many years.

This is about a single guy wanting control over a wife and children. Not about religion. Religion is being used so he can spend as little time with the family a possible.

I wonder if he was actually single would he go to church quite so regularly

Not particularly religious is not the same as not religious at all. I go through phases of attending and not attending and I would have an extremely low opinion of someone who would try to stop me attending at Christmas or Easter even as a very non-committal doubting Christian.

Re. the Sunday lunch, I think men cook more often now and not everyone has a Sunday roast every week.

The things is it's all very well people suggesting compromises - different services etc but the reality is that's all irrelevant if he refuses even to discuss the issue - to acknowledge that there might be an issue.

you promise to attend regularly
Once a fortnight is regularly.

I don't know what denomination the OP's OH is and I was CofE so I know its very different in different faiths but once a month is still considered regular in a lot of churches.

I got a lot from going to Church but only a fraction of it was the spiritual side. There was a lot of community and friendship and it was relaxing.
That is all lovely but its not fair for the OP to be left to do everything while he has a coffee and a biscuit and chats with his friends.

I struggle with the idea of memberships in churches. I remember putting my last £2 in a special collection. Then coming home and opening an email from their 'financial consultant' (exact title) asking if I give every week and to complete membership I had to sign up to standing order to tithe each week that way as it's 'easier'. No. It's so they still get a weekly tithe when you don't/can't turn up every Sunday.

Needless to say my reply that I give every week and don't plan on signing up to standing orders went down like a lead balloon (they knew i was a struggling single parent) and I didn't complete membership. That fiver every week would have been the the difference between me affording milk and bread for the DCs for the weekend.

I think a lot on this thread are missing the point that he has other duties beside his faith. His wife is not being unreasonable to ask him to spend one or two Sundays with him and the idea that she is, is frankly, bizarre.

Away, I've never heard of people being forced to pay a certain amount. Where I've been a member, you are obliged to every week or every year, but there's no set amount and it's in relation to your income and assets.

It is an absolute rule for Catholics ( C of E is very lax and different) not only to go on every Sunday (and we always even went when abroad on holiday by the way and I took Catholics amongst children who were away on a summer camp I worked on too on Sundays and holy days and they wanted adn their parents wanted them to go) and also on holiday days of obligation such as Ephiphany, All Saints Day etc. We would usualyl go before school at the 7.30am mass on those week days and then the schools (even my daughter's ordinary non Catholic private school) often put on masses for Catholic children in school on holy days by the way. So it is not weird or wrong that he is suggested he goes ever week.

Have we been told his religion yet? If it's not Catholic he still may prefer to go to church every Sunday in the CofE and plenty of other religions it is compulsory. I suspect though he's picking a time to avoid most child care. Catholics can go on Saturday evening and often on Sunday will have a choice iof 8am mass, 9 or 9.30am, 11am (often the longest mass if you want to drag it out) so that's 4 options and for most families one of those will fit your life and they tend only to last 45 minutes or less and technically you only need to arrive for the offertory and can leave straight after the priest's communion and you will still have fulfilled the compulsory obligation part of it so you can probably get that down to about 20 or 25 minutes if you are skillful.....

Most UK churches don't charge and the collection plate is voluntary. Mormons and other fundamentalist Christians charge 10% of wages - the tithe in the bible and I think you have to pay to join synagogues.

Ah yes, I'm an Anglican atheist, so rather relaxed and flexible.

I do find it interesting that not a single poster stating a religious viewpoint has shown any concern for OP's need for 'quiet contemplation, community-feeling and spiritual renewal', weekly or otherwise.

I'll make of that what I will.

Wow op I can't believe the responses I've read the first half of this thread. He's being selfish with his time and yours.

And yes of course church is a hobby. If you'd written this thread about him going cycling you would have had totally different responses because people choose to renounce logic and reason for their hobby of religion, which is reflected in the lack of reason and logic applied to a lot of the

responses.

I suspect though he's picking a time to avoid most child care.

Convenient for him isn't it...

Play him a Richard Dawkins or Sam Harris audiobook in his sleep (assuming he would resist while awake) and hope the good news permeates. Problem solved

To clarify; one or two other people have suggested the OP finds a way to get out and pursue a hobby or some 'me time' during the week. But, none of those so concerned to maintain their own spiritual wellbeing, as expressed via their religion, has conveyed any concern for hers, via a path of her choice. It's almost like we non-believers don't have souls or summat.

has OP said that her DH's church have other services at different times and different days? Not all do.

He could choose a church or other activity to do that doesn't cut into such a huge proportion of the only family time available to them. But he doesn't even want to consider that because he's selfish.

I think there is just a massive gulf on the thread between religious and atheists. I feel I have a foot in both camps as have been both I have sympathy for the husband. He should however find a service time which fits around the family. How long does his church last are we told eg is it 11am to 12 noon? Some groups there will be 4 hours in the morning and a Sunday evening thing too - I am thinking more Jehovah's witnesses and the like. Most however like C of E or Catholic will just be less than an hour which will leave about 17 hours of the day to give his wife the equivalent time of time alone.

The idea that someone who believes in a religion sghould just choose a differnt one which fits in sounds ridiculous to me even as a now atheist as belief does not work like that.

Also if you believe this is the one right path to heaven then of course you do it - why not? C of E and Catholcis and many other religions have been prepared to be burned to death and killed in other ways for their faith. I do think these things must be discussed before you get engaged however as they can lead to so many disputes later.

If you're spending sunday morning doing a top up shop it's not like you'd be spending quality time together if he wasn't at church anyway. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to go every other week though. Activities like swimming, cinema etc can easily be done after lunch when he's attending church. Presumably you have all day Saturday for any longer activities.

It is an absolute rule for Catholics ( C of E is very lax and different) not only to go on every Sunday

Absolute rule? How so? As I said previously. My Catholic Ex goes to Saturday evening mass. He works Sundays.

I don't think you can state that weekly attendance is compulsory for any UK Christian denomination. Preferred or encouraged but compulsory?
The OP has said her OH is not particularly religious.
I wonder if he finds a church when he is away with work and goes to morning services?

Calling CofE 'vert lax' sounds like an insult btw. It is also inaccurate. High church is similar to Catholicism.

He could choose a church or other activity to do that doesn't cut into such a huge proportion of the only family time available to them. But he doesn't even want to consider that because he's selfish.

So you expect to him to change his religion then

YANBU - He is putting the church before his family. Imagine the word church was replaced with pub or football, you would get everyone here saying he was unreasonable.