Who is being unreasonable here?

[essieestherson]

I'm really no longer sure if I'm being unreasonable or not, I'm just a little annoyed.

We were due to have SIL around this evening for dinner. Our dc were very excited for their cousins to come by and had spent the afternoon helping me tidy the house and their bedrooms etc...

A couple of hours ago my dh decided he couldn't be bothered to cook so said he wanted to get a take away instead, he messaged his dSis to tell her. She suggested bringing some gusto boxes round instead as she has double ordered this week and they can stick them in the oven or said we can go to hers and have them there.

My dh got very annoyed by this and said he did not want them coming around our house and cooking. He messaged her to say that he won't do that and he wants a take away and she then said that they didn't really want to spend money on a take away when they have so much extra food in their house...

So now they are not coming. Is he being unreasonable? The dc are now really upset and disappointed that their cousins are not coming round.

It sounds like such a minor thing but he was very rude last time we saw them and i think when we invite people round for a cooked dinner it's a little off to tell them we are now having a takeaway and them having to pay towards it?

Am I wrong to be annoyed with him by this? I'm more upset for my dc as my eldest is having a hard time at school at the moment and would have been lovely to have his cousins round and my dh is just being selfish and weird over the whole thing...

If you'd cooked you wouldn't have asked for a contribution. It was his idea to get a takeaway so he should have paid for all of it.

it's a little off to tell them we are now having a takeaway and them having to pay towards it?

you are very kind, it's an awful thing to do. I would be very annoyed too. Explain to him that he is punishing his children, and he's out of order. He could have bought some ready meals from cook, or M&S, or do an Italian platter if he really couldn't be bothered to cook. Bad enough to buy a takeaway, but charge your guests for it? Nope. Being so childish when his own sister offers to bring something is silly.

YANBU, he is awful today! Grow up. (him, not you).

Your DH is BU. I agree, you can't invite people round and then say you're having a takeway - that's just rude and inconsiderate.

And in what would your SIL have been 'cooking'? I don't think sticking a box in the oven counts as a cooking... Her suggestion was perfectly reasonable.

But what's worst of all is that your DH suddenly decided he couldn't be bothered? Really? Why? Now that is incredibly and unreasonable. Why invite them in the 1st place if he can't be arsed...

hmm, sounds like a casual arrangement, which wasn't set in stone, and has turned out to be inconvenient. Are they brother and sister? There could be more understanding and tolerance in the relationship than you are aware of, it could be that neither was particularly bothered either way.

Can you ring SIL up, and say the children are really disappointed, lets go back to our original plan of cooking a meal at your house?

If I'd invited someone round for dinner and decided not to cook, I wouldn't expect them to pay anything.
I think your DH is BU

Your dh sounds like an arse

Thanks! There is a real backstory of him doing things like this a lot which is why I'm so bothered by this now.

He just always puts his own childish issues ahead of the children's feelings and it really irritates me.

He's incredibly rude to spring a takeaway on her and expect her to pay. I have guests coming later and we're getting a takeaway, but since they were coming for dinner on my invitation I'll be paying. Different if it was a 'shall we all get together and order pizza' type situation.

Your DH was "very annoyed" because she suggested bringing some food over? Really?

Tell him to call her just now, apologise, and tell her he's paying for the take away. What do they all want and he can't wait to see them tonight.

I'd assume you were paying if you'd invited them for dinner!?!? He started with the unreasonable behaviour of take the kids to SIL house if it was my mi d you I'd have told my husband he was being an idiot tbf

Your DH is the unreasonable one, if he wanted a takeaway then he should have paid for it all.
I'd text your SIL & just go to her with DC & minus DH.

Your DH was U.

Very rude to offer to host, have a go at a guest for offering to bring food, and then expect guests to pay for takeaway.

In your shoes I'd head over to SiL's with the DC.

He's being a pain. Why is it so important to him that he gets to dictate things?

He is entirely unreasonable. You don't ask someone to dinner and then tell them actually we'll get takeaway, bring money. It was really nice of her to offer to bring food for everyone or host instead, and he was doubly rude then to turn her down and then have the cheek to be annoyed with her.

He sounds like a total tit.

Yanbu, fine to not want to cook but that's his call so naturally as hosts you should pay for the whole takeaway. If it was a pre-arranged takeaway night with mutual agreement to go halves then that's totally different. Really sad that you've all missed out on a nice evening, hope you have wine xx

Did he say no to SIL bringing food to cook because he knows he's in the wrong and her offer made him look worse? Did he tell her she needed to contribute to the cost or has she just made an assumption? He's out of order imo.

Why don't you and the children go around to SIL's without tit-head?

He won't call her or apologise. He said to me he would have paid for it all but he didn't tell her that in any of the messages..

I think he just decided to himself earlier today that he didn't want her round and now has made that happen without actually having to cancel.

Your dh is BU.
If you've invited people over to dinner, then you can't expect them to then chip in for a takeaway, if that wasn't the original plan.

OTOH, Generally, with a sibling, you think you'd just say - we can't afford a takeaway this week, but we'll come anyway and all just have beans on toast or something - so the dc can see each other if that was what this was about. So she was a little bit UR but your dh was a lot UR

HTH

Aww I feel 4 the OP, ur DH is in the wrong! Should be about you all spending time together and way not about food, but it's much expecting people to pay out for take out! He should of just let her bring her food round what difference would it make! But controlling if u ask if u ask me

Is he always a twat?

That's a terribly rude thing to do, you don't invite people for dinner then decide to get a takeaway and ask people to pay, 🙄

Can I ask, is there a reason you didn't step in and cook? You can deal with him and his issues later but at least it would have saved the evening and the issues would be between you and him and the kids wouldn't be disappointed.

Go round there with your dc and leave him at home to stew

Selfish bastard

Costacoffee tbh yes he pretty much is always a twat. When he decides against something everyone else has to suffer, especially his children.