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AIBU?

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Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

129 replies

essieestherson · 04/02/2017 17:40

I'm really no longer sure if I'm being unreasonable or not, I'm just a little annoyed.

We were due to have SIL around this evening for dinner. Our dc were very excited for their cousins to come by and had spent the afternoon helping me tidy the house and their bedrooms etc...

A couple of hours ago my dh decided he couldn't be bothered to cook so said he wanted to get a take away instead, he messaged his dSis to tell her. She suggested bringing some gusto boxes round instead as she has double ordered this week and they can stick them in the oven or said we can go to hers and have them there.

My dh got very annoyed by this and said he did not want them coming around our house and cooking. He messaged her to say that he won't do that and he wants a take away and she then said that they didn't really want to spend money on a take away when they have so much extra food in their house...

So now they are not coming. Is he being unreasonable? The dc are now really upset and disappointed that their cousins are not coming round.

It sounds like such a minor thing but he was very rude last time we saw them and i think when we invite people round for a cooked dinner it's a little off to tell them we are now having a takeaway and them having to pay towards it?

Am I wrong to be annoyed with him by this? I'm more upset for my dc as my eldest is having a hard time at school at the moment and would have been lovely to have his cousins round and my dh is just being selfish and weird over the whole thing...

OP posts:
Magzmarsh · 04/02/2017 18:18

It's not a healthy relationship op.

user892 · 04/02/2017 18:18

You know that the behaviour is called 'stonewalling'? It's a form of abusive control. He wants those around him to feel shit and on edge. He also wants people to change their behaviour to suit his.

user892 · 04/02/2017 18:21

The fact you needed to ask here, who was being unreasonable suggests that his behaviour causes you to question yourself..

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/02/2017 18:21

"She suggested bringing some gusto boxes round instead as she has double ordered this week and they can stick them in the oven or said we can go to hers and have them there."
I'd suggest you text your SIL, ask if the offer still stands as you and the kids would love to spend time with them tonight. Make it clear you're leaving twatfeatures at home.

I expect you've knuckled under to his twattery in the past. And I am a big believer in 'if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always got'. Time for a change. Do not reward his behaviour by accepting it. Take the kids round to their cousins and have a nice evening. Do it for your kids. And do it for you.

Original poster
essieestherson · 04/02/2017 18:22

I know he's abusive, it's just never seems to be anything big enough for me to make a real issue over.

I just tried to speak to him about it and tell him that the kids were upset and he told me I was being horrible and I was going out of my way to make him feel bad.

OP posts:
VeryBitchyRestingFace · 04/02/2017 18:22

Is she his sister, OP? Does he have 'ishoos' with her.

Sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant man.

Original poster
essieestherson · 04/02/2017 18:24

It is his sister btw. He doesn't usually have issues with her. Last time we saw her thought he was incredibly rude after they had cooked us a nice, expensive dinner so things aren't exactly perfect between them.

OP posts:
NoCleanClothes · 04/02/2017 18:24

YANBU why is your DH being such an arse about it? Since it sounds like you invited SiL for dinner if he changed it to take away surely as the hosts you should have paid (unless you all agreed to take away in advance). I really don't see why she couldn't have put the gusto boxes in the oven since she said she had extra anyway. He's being a grumpy git.

Costacoffeeplease · 04/02/2017 18:25

If you're annoyed/upset, it's enough to make an issue over

It's also affecting your children, possibly setting them up for anxiety/self esteem issues in future, I'd be rethinking my future with him

Lovewineandchocs · 04/02/2017 18:25

There's no use in trying to reason with someone like that, just take the kids round to your SILs

Original poster
essieestherson · 04/02/2017 18:25

Though*

OP posts:
user892 · 04/02/2017 18:26

it's just never seems to be anything big enough for me to make a real issue over

He's the one being unreasonable. Abuse can be low-level and underhand... Making you question yourself and even reality.

This sort of abuse is just as abusive as being punched. It's incidious and harder to spot. But he still intends to control and hurt.

You need him out Flowers

Original poster
essieestherson · 04/02/2017 18:27

Thanks everyone.

We have had lots of issues in the past and I wasn't sure whether I was being unjustly harsh because of that. Nice to know that a lot of you agree with me

OP posts:
Pippa12 · 04/02/2017 18:27

I'd probably contact your SIL yourself if you have a good relationship with her, explain it's not your doing and you and the kids will be disappointed they're not coming. You'll at least feel better!

TwitterQueen1 · 04/02/2017 18:27

Op, Dysfunctional because you didn't want to 'take over' the meal because he would have stayed upstairs and sulked. He is abusive and controlling.
Despite the fact that you were both at home from 2pm, neither of you took steps to sort the meal out. You did nothing because you were / are afraid of him. He wanted everyone else to do what he wanted - when he could be bothered to decide what that was. And then he threw his toys out of the pram.

So you and your DCs are on tenterhooks all the time because of an arse of an H.

I am not blaming you for anything OP. I'm just saying the whole scenario is odd and obviously symptomatic of other, deeper issues.

RebelRogue · 04/02/2017 18:28

You still haven't said why you can't go over there? Stop pandering to childish tantrums and do what you and your children want to do.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 04/02/2017 18:28

I've googled Gousto boxes, OP.

Yum. Grin

Original poster
essieestherson · 04/02/2017 18:28

Mainly because I don't drive and can't really get there. Plus they've probably sorted there dinner now.

OP posts:
Cguk81 · 04/02/2017 18:30

He is being totally unreasonable and rude. That's a horrible way to treat people. I second what a PP said...you should phone your SIL and say if the offer still stands to eat at theirs instead then take the kids round there for the evening. Or at least let her know that you don't agree with your DP.

RebelRogue · 04/02/2017 18:32

Damn. Tbh dunno how you've lasted this long to have the life and joy sucked out of everything by him. It might be all low level,but it does add up and it is hurtful and wrong. Are you in a position where if you decided to do so,you can LTB?

ENormaSnob · 04/02/2017 18:33

Your dh is an arse.

gamerchick · 04/02/2017 18:34

Never mind OP I'm sure the kids will get over their disappointment. Might be worth not telling them in future though. Repeated disappointments leave a mark eventually.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 04/02/2017 18:34

I know he's abusive, it's just never seems to be anything big enough for me to make a real issue over.

I had a marriage like that. Keep a diary, and in six months time take it to a solicitor and file for divorce.

gamerchick · 04/02/2017 18:35

You could get a taxi or a bus or ask to be collected. Make a stand.

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/02/2017 18:43

Get a taxi.

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