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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

129 replies

essieestherson · 04/02/2017 17:40

I'm really no longer sure if I'm being unreasonable or not, I'm just a little annoyed.

We were due to have SIL around this evening for dinner. Our dc were very excited for their cousins to come by and had spent the afternoon helping me tidy the house and their bedrooms etc...

A couple of hours ago my dh decided he couldn't be bothered to cook so said he wanted to get a take away instead, he messaged his dSis to tell her. She suggested bringing some gusto boxes round instead as she has double ordered this week and they can stick them in the oven or said we can go to hers and have them there.

My dh got very annoyed by this and said he did not want them coming around our house and cooking. He messaged her to say that he won't do that and he wants a take away and she then said that they didn't really want to spend money on a take away when they have so much extra food in their house...

So now they are not coming. Is he being unreasonable? The dc are now really upset and disappointed that their cousins are not coming round.

It sounds like such a minor thing but he was very rude last time we saw them and i think when we invite people round for a cooked dinner it's a little off to tell them we are now having a takeaway and them having to pay towards it?

Am I wrong to be annoyed with him by this? I'm more upset for my dc as my eldest is having a hard time at school at the moment and would have been lovely to have his cousins round and my dh is just being selfish and weird over the whole thing...

OP posts:
user892 · 04/02/2017 20:11

Well done Essie stay strong - visualise your peaceful stbx-free sanctuary of the future x

Tilly35 · 04/02/2017 20:20

We don't know you but friends and family would not tell you to leave him without good reason. You need to tell trusted people what's happening, it's easy to slip back into things when faced with taking a huge step into the unknown. It will help you get an outsiders perspective. I'be been there and thought my kids didn't realise, they did and thought that was the way life was, that you just do what a man says, however unreasonable, and carry on with a smile on your face. If he loves you and his family he'll see he needs to deal with his issues away from you all. You might find you're not as shy as you thought when you're not being dominated by keeping on his good side. Good luck and stay calm if you've got kids around tonight x

CupOfTeaAndAbiscuitPlease · 04/02/2017 20:20

You have given him a second chance and he didn't take it, don't give him a third.

Crapfriends · 04/02/2017 20:36

What has he said to your ending it? Does he only treat you well when you try to end things?

RebelRogue · 04/02/2017 20:40

Well done op. Stay strong. And if you feel your strength wavering, just picture living for the next 50 years like this.

Original poster
essieestherson · 04/02/2017 20:42

He can treat me well a lot of the time but he also has these problems a lot of the time and I just cannot be bothered with it anymore. He didn't say too much. He's still very moody atm so he agreed with me. Said he will sleep in the spare room tonight and will sort things properly tomorrow.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 04/02/2017 21:11

Then let him, because I can assure you this is not normal, not healthy and no way to live. It's not going to get better. Nobody needs a lifetime of this and you're children don't need to grow up witnessing it. To be posting on threads saying I saw dad do this and mum just took it.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2017 21:12

And why is it his job to sort it tomorrow? Correct him, tell him yes he will sleep in the spare room and tomorrow you will sort it.

DoloresTheRunawayTrain · 04/02/2017 21:50

Keep a diary. Write down all the shitty stuff he has done in the past and read it again and again once he starts to turn on the charm. Realise this is what you would be going back to, not the stars and moon he starts to promise you.

Original poster
essieestherson · 04/02/2017 22:05

That's a good idea, thanks.

I really hope that this is the right thing. It's just so tough, I worry about everything. That I'll be alone forever, that the kids will be deeply affected, that they'll take sides and hate me. I know that probably won't be the case but it just makes the decision even harder to stick to.

I know he is not a great person but I still have this feeling inside me that tells me I'll be better off staying.

Just need to get rid of that feeling!

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 04/02/2017 22:15

Essie, if they already resent spending time with him,consider the fact that if you stay together,once the kids move out I doubt they'll make the effort to come visit. I think losing them is definitely more of a possibility if you stay.

RebelRogue · 04/02/2017 22:17

Oh and that feeling is called "better the devil you know" and the fear of the unknown.
The good thing about the unknown? Is that there is a 50/50 chance for things to turn out well. By staying there's no chance of that. Just getting worse.

HarryPottersMagicWand · 04/02/2017 22:22

What a twat he is. Glad this has been a final straw thing for you OP. I bet your nieces/nephews were disppointed too.

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2017 22:24

I really hope that this is the right thing. It's just so tough, I worry about everything. That I'll be alone forever, that the kids will be deeply affected, that they'll take sides and hate me. I

picklemepopcorn · 04/02/2017 22:35

Well done Essie. Text DSil apologising for this evening's mess and hoping you can get the children together soon, without DH as he's unreliable.

haveacupoftea · 04/02/2017 22:43

Wow you have been amazing. You deserve so much better than the way he has been treating you, and your poor DC. How lucky they are to have a strong mum like you to protect them from the disappointment of their horrible dad.

flumpybear · 05/02/2017 10:35

How's things this morning?? Flowers

Original poster
essieestherson · 05/02/2017 10:57

They're okay.

I spoke to him this morning, he was telling me he thinks I should keep trying as I shouldn't break up the family... then I said I can't try anymore and I think we'd all be happier if we broke up. He was talking about how I won't be able to afford the house by myself (we bought it last year) etc. Trying to make me think I won't cope.

I'm just not thinking about it at the moment. Have taken the kids to the park and then out for lunch while he is at home.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 05/02/2017 11:09

He's not willing to take any responsibility at all is he? Its all about you trying harder!

Original poster
essieestherson · 05/02/2017 12:10

He not really talking about responsibility now.

He has text me to say that he will stay elsewhere tonight but I need to sort out what we are doing with house asap.

Guess I need to speak to a solicitor as I have no idea what rights I have. We bought our house last year but I only work part time and don't earn anywhere near enough to cover mortgage etc.

Not going to be an easy time. Sad

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 05/02/2017 12:25

Does he earn enough to keep the house on?

I would think about selling.

Original poster
essieestherson · 05/02/2017 12:26

He does earn enough I think.

Selling will probably be the best idea.

OP posts:
SoulLove · 05/02/2017 12:29

No, it won't be all too easy now but my God it will be in the long run. Think about how much happier you and your kids will be not living with him.

Stay strong. You will get through this- much happier times are coming Flowers

Original poster
essieestherson · 05/02/2017 12:40

I really hope so soul. I have been with him since I was 21.

Am starting to feel a bit wobbly but really need to keep positive.

Thanks everyone on here for support

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 05/02/2017 13:25

Essie just think about it. He's not telling you "please don't leave because i love you and can't live my life without you". He's telling you " Leave if you want,but it's going to be hard for you without me". He's taking no responsibility. He doesn't care if you stay with him because you love him or because you leave him. He doesn't care if you're miserable or happy. You are doing the right thing.
I'll bet my last penny that his "I'm going away for a night while you sort out The practicalities " is his way of backing you into a corner of despair,hoping you'll backtrack once he's back.

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