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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being unreasonable here?

129 replies

essieestherson · 04/02/2017 17:40

I'm really no longer sure if I'm being unreasonable or not, I'm just a little annoyed.

We were due to have SIL around this evening for dinner. Our dc were very excited for their cousins to come by and had spent the afternoon helping me tidy the house and their bedrooms etc...

A couple of hours ago my dh decided he couldn't be bothered to cook so said he wanted to get a take away instead, he messaged his dSis to tell her. She suggested bringing some gusto boxes round instead as she has double ordered this week and they can stick them in the oven or said we can go to hers and have them there.

My dh got very annoyed by this and said he did not want them coming around our house and cooking. He messaged her to say that he won't do that and he wants a take away and she then said that they didn't really want to spend money on a take away when they have so much extra food in their house...

So now they are not coming. Is he being unreasonable? The dc are now really upset and disappointed that their cousins are not coming round.

It sounds like such a minor thing but he was very rude last time we saw them and i think when we invite people round for a cooked dinner it's a little off to tell them we are now having a takeaway and them having to pay towards it?

Am I wrong to be annoyed with him by this? I'm more upset for my dc as my eldest is having a hard time at school at the moment and would have been lovely to have his cousins round and my dh is just being selfish and weird over the whole thing...

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 04/02/2017 18:45

Your DH sounds like a complete arse.

How long are you planning to put up with this?

RiversrunWoodville · 04/02/2017 18:45

Oh Essie he sounds a lot like my exP who was very controlling and EA. I've been very down this week and thinking a lot about him and I'm definitely glad not to be back there no matter how things are. I would probably have a word with sil and just point out you and the dc were also disappointed it opens the channels of communication, I know it's not your dsis but if she's had experience of him being an arse it can be good to talk to someone

Original poster
essieestherson · 04/02/2017 18:47

Norks not much longer I don't think. Have been advised by so many people to leave him for various reasons. Maybe it's time I actually did.

OP posts:
yesiamgoingtoeatthat · 04/02/2017 18:55

This sounds a lot like the behaviour of my DS's father. We are not together any more. Every occasion had to be about him and simple get togethers were always made difficult. Over time people just stopped visiting because it was no fun for anyone. His drink problem didn't help either.

Are you close to SiL? Can you call / text along the lines of "What a shame the DCs couldn't get together today, do you fancy a coffee tomorrow?"

Stay firm. It's easy to start to question yourself and your judgment when someone is pulling this behaviour over a sustained period.

Surreyblah · 04/02/2017 18:57

LTB!

Bluntness100 · 04/02/2017 18:57

I agree with Twitter queen, it's very odd indeed and all shades of wrong. It does sound to me like you're being bullied and abused by this man. To be scared and too shy to cook in your own home, or to challenge your husband when he ruins everyone's evening, to carry on cleaning and tidying knowing guests were due over for dinner and no food in is a concerning dynamic.

NorksAreMessy · 04/02/2017 19:00

essie it might be time to start a thread in relationships where you will get all the help and support and arse-booting you could possibly need.

Life is long. Your children's lives deserve to be happy. You deserve to be happy

kittybiscuits · 04/02/2017 19:01

I bet this is the tip of the iceberg. I agree with others - he sounds like a passive-aggressive, manipulative cunt. I would also text your SIL and say that you're so sorry he's been a prick and you won't be seeing them. Meet soon, without the baggage.

Original poster
essieestherson · 04/02/2017 19:01

I carried on cleaning etc as he has said about take away a few hours before and I just assumed it had all been sorted with her. Then he told me a while after that they had just got back to him and suggested gusto.

OP posts:
Patriciathestripper1 · 04/02/2017 19:02

I'd like to say leave him to his take away and go to sil with the kids and have a fun evening.
The reality would be we all sit in miserable with the controlling twat.

Original poster
essieestherson · 04/02/2017 19:05

I've cheered the kids up with pizza and a board game, I'm now drinking wine and making pasta. He is upstairs and has shut himself in the bathroom.

OP posts:
Catsick36 · 04/02/2017 19:08

Eat separately then get together

TheMysteriousJackelope · 04/02/2017 19:09

Your SIL accepted an invitation to dinner on the understanding that she wouldn't be paying for the food. Your DH changed the terms of the invitation, in effect cancelling the original invitation and issuing a new one. Your SIL declined the second invitation.

Your DH is being unreasonable, not your SIL.

I am sorry you are having to suffer his behavior. Honestly if he chooses to make an exhibition of himself by sulking upstairs while his family are visiting I'd leave him to it. It's not like they don't know what he is like and why should you and the children miss out?

stonecircle · 04/02/2017 19:11

What Soubriquet said.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 04/02/2017 19:29

He is upstairs and has shut himself in the bathroom

Lol, the bathroom, really? I hope it's cold in there.

I also hope you have more than one bathroom. Confused

RandomMess · 04/02/2017 19:29

I hope you find the courage to end this relationship you and your DC deserve so much better.

Flowers
Original poster
essieestherson · 04/02/2017 19:33

I hope I do too random mess. I have tried to end it a couple of times before and he always manages to talk me round, promises this and that. It always seems like the easier option to just stay and then i justify it to myself by saying things aren't that bad.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 04/02/2017 19:37

Then don't discuss it with him, make your decisions and plans, let the decree nisi land on the door mat if need be...

JustSpeakSense · 04/02/2017 19:38

You asked SIL around for dinner.

But then decided to ask her to pay for her own meal instead.

When she offered to bring something to cook, DH refused and insisted she pay for her own take away.

your DH is BU!

anothermalteserplease · 04/02/2017 19:40

How disappointing. Have you been in touch with your SIL at all? Could you maybe meet up with them tomorrow? Seems a shame for your DC to be so disappointed.

CupOfTeaAndAbiscuitPlease · 04/02/2017 19:44

I have felt really sad reading this. Your poor children Sad . Eventually they won't look forward to anything as he will just ruin it anyway

Original poster
essieestherson · 04/02/2017 20:04

I've just told him it's over. I literally can't do this anymore. He makes everything so difficult. Just really hope that I don't go back on it this time when he is being nice again..

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 04/02/2017 20:06

You know who he is and you know that he won't change. I feel sad for you. You seem lovely and this fuckwittery needs to be part of your past and not your future.

kittybiscuits · 04/02/2017 20:06

Oops - cross post.

kittybiscuits · 04/02/2017 20:07

When he starts to do nice, sit back and watch and wait.

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