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Original poster

Surrounded by menfolk and fed up

128 replies

ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 13:02

I love my children, I really do but sometimes I feel so marooned and fed up. I have two DSs - 15 and 12 and DH . The only female company I have is one of my two cats, who spends most of her time cuddling the men. DH is a rather typical man of a certain type . I have stupidly allowed him to evolve to not know how to do any housework, certainly not without nagging and even that would only involve light hovering (he also can't do any 'men' stuff to balance this out, like DIY but he does make cups of tea , as he would want me to point out! ). Anyway, not moaning about that. (Today!). I remember with fondness how close my mother and I were when I was a teenager - we went shopping, to the cinema, read books, cuddled, watched TV together... etc. I can't remember the last time DS1 was actually nice to me, in fact sometimes quite the opposite (I guess it's hormones). DS2 is very very sweet and affectionate but he is nearly 13 and I suspect these days are numbered. Our TV is wall to wall to wall football (I watch Strictly by myself in the kitchen ; if I'm lucky DS2 comes to watch Ninja Warrior or The Voice with me ) and my weekends consist of football matches/ cricket matches/ training and doing food shopping by myself My DM lives in the US, my DS, too. MIL is in Wales (and anyway, we aren't very close) and I am not really a person who has close friends. besides which if I went out for the day with a friend, I'd come back and be annoyed all over again about what didn't happen while I was out... I am not after advice about how to change my DH (or DCs for that matter). Just some sympathy, empathy and maybe some ideas that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel or a better way to look at things. Just need cheering up really.

OP posts:
formerbabe · 04/02/2017 13:09

I know the general rule on here seems to be that you can't acknowledge any differences between boys and girls..But I can understand you.

I was in a coffee shop the other day and was watching a mum sitting there with her teenage daughter, and it struck me that a teenage boy would be far less likely to want to spend an afternoon in a coffee shop with his mum. All my girlfriends would spend nearly every weekend shopping with their mums and now they're older still see their mums every weekend.

Anyway, I'm sorry I don't have any advice really...You do need to get your husband being more helpful round the house though!
As for the food shopping...Don't do it! They'll soon get hungry and then tell them you're only going if someone goes with you!

cbigs · 04/02/2017 13:15

Aw op totally understand. My friend is in the same set up as you and she says 'no one wants to listen or talk to me at home!'
And stereotypically there are loads of differences between teenage girls and boys so it's bound to be different for a lot of people . Flowers

Writerwannabe83 · 04/02/2017 13:18

Sounds lonely OP

Me and DH have a DS who is almost three. He's obviously still a mummy's boy and anticipate this for probably another decade Grin but I'm dreading when the day comes that he'll just want to do sporty things with his dad and I'll be sidelined.

I'm currently pregnant with DC2 and although I'd love a son for DS's sake I would also love a daughter for my sake so at least I won't be surrounded by menfolk Grin

Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 13:18

Thanks for the sympathy :)

They did used to come shopping with me ; can't remember when they stopped... I will try again. I don't mind the food shopping alone bit quite as much as it might appear but it feels as if there's nothing else to my weekends.
DH is learned inept at household chores so would need supervision, or - like lots of men I read about on here, expect some kind of medal the one and only time he did something! and he would argue he does do lots of other things . He does take them places -it's not just me that does the matches and the training and stuff; he does more of that than me. But when they are out doing that stuff, I'm all alone, feeling a little abandoned :(
I know I sound self pitying,; I am!

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/02/2017 13:22

OP why should you always do the shopping, and all the housework? And then be made to sit in the kitchen while they watch some obscure football legends bollocks on Sky Sports bloody 3 (seriously, I love football - what football match is on on a Saturday night...last major kick off at about 5pm). If they want to watch a shit load of football after watching it all day already then they can go in the kitchen if they desperately want to.

It sounds very lonely and I think you need to have a word with your DH. Is your marriage happy?

formerbabe · 04/02/2017 13:22

You need to do something for you. What do you enjoy? Could you join a gym or do an exercise class at the weekend? I enjoy doing that as it gets me out and interacting with other people.

Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 13:23

I think today's feelings have come about because my SIL (in the US) has just had a boy baby (she's 45). Previous to this she had 2 DDs and they seem so affectionate and close to both mum and dad (DD1 is sporty) but now they also have a boy and that seems so nice for them all. Plus, I guess I may be a bit jealous that my two DSs have now been trumped by a boy baby in the family for MIL to coo over ... even if he is so far away.

OP posts:
Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 13:25

former
That kind of thing bring s me out in panic attacks!! I would never go to something like that by myself. I did contemplate joining a choir or book club but I am often exhausted in the evenings so am not sure I would go. Come summer, I might feel more jolly!

OP posts:
surreygoldfish · 04/02/2017 13:26

Aw...I get it. I had a strop last night re TV viewing as it's either wall to wall football or battle/ fantasy / sci-fi. I know it's not that easy (I'm not great at making lots of friends) but developing other female friendships, even on a casual basis, helps to balance this out.xx

Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 13:27

haha : obscure football legends bollocks made me laugh!

They do stop after the 5 pm kick off! It's then watching some Sat night TV stuff on catch up in front room, while DS1 goes to kitchen and watches La Liga. It's him I never see really.

OP posts:
Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 13:28

Is it bad that MN might BE my female friendship ;)

OP posts:
Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 13:30

Also, DS1 never goes out, ever, anywhere (well, school....) so my hopes of him getting a girlfriend are possibly in vain....;)

OP posts:
EatTheChocolateTeapot · 04/02/2017 13:31

Why do you not have friends?
Your children are not there to replace your friends.

NotYoda · 04/02/2017 13:32

Your boys are just following their father's lead

It's not inevitable that the relationship with teenage boys is like this.

I can offer sympathy but it seems to me that really early on you gave in to the idea of stereotypes. There's nothing to stop you being interested in their sport. There's nothing stopping you insisting on your right to watch what you want to on your TV. There's nothing to stop you going to the cinema or out to eat, or having film-nights at home.

Boys are not simply lolling sports-monkeys

Allthewaves · 04/02/2017 13:32

My boys r 3,5,8 and I'm dreading this a bit. But as my mum pointed out I really did not get on with her from 14 to 18 after gcse and a levels had finished. I stayed at home for uni so only then did we go shopping, have lunch ect. I wasn't an overly nice teen Blush

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 04/02/2017 13:33

You might have got the "wrong" sort of daughter. I'm very close to my DM now but when I was still living at home I was a serious disappointment to her. She and her own DM were very close, almost like sisters, discussed everything. I didn't want to be like sisters. I didn't want to go shopping with her. I was intellectual and rebellious, very interested in politics and I wanted to wear outrageous clothes. I would come out of school with my hair exploding and my glasses mended with gaffer tape, and my poor mum would look so disappointed.

It actually took me years to get over, not that I'd tell her that.

So think on. Things could be worse. Grin

Allthewaves · 04/02/2017 13:34

And my boys are made to wash up, clean and put their laundry away when iv ironed it

Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 13:35

NotYoda - as I said DS2 is slightly different. he does read and stuff, and we have been to the cinema. But he is still rather sport obsessed. I am also quite interested in sport and enjoy it when we have been to big cricket or football matches (and The Olympics) together. It's not really about what they do. It's the sort of lack of fellow feeling and affection I miss. We do go out to eat sometimes, but as some will know, when there is wall to wall sporting activity, it can be hard to fit in.

OP posts:
NotYoda · 04/02/2017 13:35

... I also think that some of what you are experiencing is a re-evaluation of what your role is, now they are older. That might mean getting involved in hobbies and it might mean spending more time with your DH without the kids.

notagiraffe · 04/02/2017 13:37

OP, I completely sympathise. I live with DH and teen DSs. Even our cat and guinea pigs are male. And all DH's remaining family, who we see far more than my side of the family, are male, so the majority of the time I'm the only woman at table.

My poor niece got swamped by me when she came to stay with us for a month from abroad. I dragged her out for girly shopping trips and to girly films and cocktails.

I so miss female company. But recently got a job leading a team in a very male office and realised I could handle the lot of them. So used to managing bloke-brains that it didn't scare me, which it would have a few years ago.

Blerg · 04/02/2017 13:37

I have a nice relationship with my MIL. We aren't geographically close and don't have much in common but I think she appreciates an additional woman in her life as she has two sons. We have coffee and shop occasionally. So that might happen when your sons are older?

In the meantime I would definitely try a class or something on your own. No need to worry about going alone, people join partly to make friends!

Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 13:38

I do have friends Eat ! But I see them at work, mainly and then on facebook in the evenings.... They don't live nearby, all of them. I have lived here a long time but I'm not from here so don't have the same networks as others, who see their families a lot at weekends etc. There are other reasons why I don't go out much, I guess.
My boys put their laundry away and have chores (DS2 is a little more willing...) Am trying to train them!

OP posts:
ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/02/2017 13:39

So DS1 watches the 12/12.30 kick off, the 5pm kick off, and then watches La Liga in the evening?! and plays sport as well. Bloody hell, I think you're right, he's sports obsessed. Honestly not sure what I would do about it (if anything) - he's kind of good he's got something he's so interested in...but it's a shame you don't see much of him.

Can you sit with him for half the game? MN on your phone or do a crafty thing while you're watching it? Just so you're with him.

Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 13:39

notagiraffe : you made me fell better :)

Thank you!

OP posts:
NotYoda · 04/02/2017 13:39

I didn't have fellow feeling with my mum at that age though. I think she wanted it but going shopping was more a source of friction than anything.

I know it's hard because you want to re-create that but it might be that it wouldn't work out that way for you if you had girl/s

You kids are doing what's normal at this age - separating from you a bit. They'll come back.

In the meantime, you've got your DH there - he's meant to be the one who helps you feel good