Surrounded by menfolk and fed up

[ptangyangkipperbanguuh]

I love my children, I really do but sometimes I feel so marooned and fed up. I have two DSs - 15 and 12 and DH . The only female company I have is one of my two cats, who spends most of her time cuddling the men. DH is a rather typical man of a certain type . I have stupidly allowed him to evolve to not know how to do any housework, certainly not without nagging and even that would only involve light hovering (he also can't do any 'men' stuff to balance this out, like DIY but he does make cups of tea , as he would want me to point out! ). Anyway, not moaning about that. (Today!). I remember with fondness how close my mother and I were when I was a teenager - we went shopping, to the cinema, read books, cuddled, watched TV together... etc. I can't remember the last time DS1 was actually nice to me, in fact sometimes quite the opposite (I guess it's hormones). DS2 is very very sweet and affectionate but he is nearly 13 and I suspect these days are numbered. Our TV is wall to wall to wall football (I watch Strictly by myself in the kitchen ; if I'm lucky DS2 comes to watch Ninja Warrior or The Voice with me ) and my weekends consist of football matches/ cricket matches/ training and doing food shopping by myself My DM lives in the US, my DS, too. MIL is in Wales (and anyway, we aren't very close) and I am not really a person who has close friends. besides which if I went out for the day with a friend, I'd come back and be annoyed all over again about what didn't happen while I was out... I am not after advice about how to change my DH (or DCs for that matter). Just some sympathy, empathy and maybe some ideas that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel or a better way to look at things. Just need cheering up really.

feel....

One day you'll probably have daughter in laws and grandchildren.

Do you work? So many of my friends were colleagues first.

ShowMe : I shall do that maybe!!

CatchTheRainbow:

yes, I work full time. Mainly with women, so I do get female conversation in at work from time to time!

I have just come to a self realisation that the subtext of this is that I miss my own mum.

Teenage girls can be a right regular PITA as well - I know I was

Perhaps you should put your foot down a bit and insist on some activities you do together as a family? See a film, go ice skating, drag them to a show?

Same here. I'm not going to have those girly coffee and cake outings with 2 DSs as I did with my mum. DH is very hands on though so I'm hoping we can have the coffee and cake

All I can say is, cultivate the relationship you have with your sons.

My son is 18 and we are very close. He hugs me, we chat, we go out for a beer, we sit on the sofa under a blanket watching films...

He also has chores to do around the house and does his own laundry (has done since 14).

Missing your own mum is sad (I can't offer anything there, I'm nc with mine), but think about the relationship you'd like to have with your son/s and then work at it. Can you spend time with them separately?

Just to add, we did go through a bit of a tumbleweed patch when he was 15 when I just didn't feel we connected at all; no common interests. I made a real effort to do stuff with him and it paid off. We discovered a common, before unknown, interest in German expressionist films and started sourcing and watching them together.

Just to put a brighter note on it DS2 does insist on at least 3 cuddles a day so that's nice. I sometimes manage to squeeze 5 or 6 in.

I'm not going to have those girly coffee and cake outings with 2 DSs as I did with my mum

Why not? (serious question, why can't you?)

SheFeeds : thank you so much. I am hoping this is the tumbleweed patch. He knows I love him and I ma the one he turns to for Spanish and French practice and stuff. Occasionally I get close enough for a hug. It's been like this ever since he got taller than me. He used to be very anxious and needy and we spent lots of time together so ina an odd way I miss that.

Fingers crossed DS1 will get a nice girlfriend soon and you'll have female company in the house from time to time.

I'm so relieved DP hates football as much as I do. I'd leave if I had to endure 22 millionaires ruining a lawn on our telly all weekend.

I went to the theatre with just DS1 in London a few weeks ago. I did enjoy it. Him not so much. But he's 15 so they don't 'enjoy' much!

I can't help you at all. I'm sitting watching Arsenal v Chelsea and I have to sit in silence in case I upset anyone. However I love sport and it's a big part of my life with DH and DSs. Your DH needs to do more round the house.

SheFeeds : can I come round yours and watch German Expressionist films? My favourite is Strike...

If he's interested in Spanish and French and comes to you with that, is that something you could develop as a starting point? Perhaps go to an 'authentic' French or Spanish restaurant, or watch a film or go away for the weekend to France, just the two of you?

You just need to find a way of enabling your relationship with him/them to grow and mature as they do. It really will be worth it.

for you OP

I think it does depend on the child. My DSC are very very close to their dad. (We have residency) and they all DP stuff together.

Today they have gone to Twickenham to watch the rugby. Before they left at stupid oclock DSS gave me a big hug and bagged the TV for the two of us to see a film together tomorrow that we have wanted to watch for ages.

They are just about to hit teenage years, so whether that will change I don't know.

Give it time with the boys. My younger son (now mid twenties) wasn't in the least interested in spending time with me when younger, but now he actively asks me if he can come out with me dog walking/shopping etc (and chooses my clothes for me - he's a great personal shopper). He and I have a lot in common now, and he's actually better company than his sisters!

DH does need to do more, tis true. However, he is out at the moment , reffing a football match . He didn't want to do that, to be fair!

Thanks Zaphod

Only if you bring beer and are willing to sit under the blanket with us

That's the thing, we don't even do it loads, and we didn't do it loads, it was more about enabling him to see Me; the person I am. And not just the person who cooked his dinner and did his washing and nagged him about homework. It was about him seeing me as someone he wanted to spend time with. And not just "mum".

DS2 and I went to see La La Land together the other week. He asked.
I would just stealth cuddle them they love it really.

If it makes you feel better my DM never had time to do the stuff you (and it seems everyone else nearly) did as a teen with your Mum - the shopping, reading, bonding etc.

I'm not even going to begin about your H...

Sounds like you're feeling unappreciated (you have been) - you need to do something for you and start prioritising yourself

I will stealth cuddle more derxa

Good Plan!

I had a lovely time with DS2 when we went to see 'Streetcat Named Bob'

Not a man woman thing, a husband not pulling weight and differing interests.
One of those is easily sorted by a kick up the bum and the other isn't a problem if the first is sorted.

Daughters may not have been interested in the girly stuff you like - I am a daughter and hate it all, always have. Get on fine with my mum though!

Get husband and kids off their arsea so you also have free time for fun.