Surrounded by menfolk and fed up

[ptangyangkipperbanguuh]

I love my children, I really do but sometimes I feel so marooned and fed up. I have two DSs - 15 and 12 and DH . The only female company I have is one of my two cats, who spends most of her time cuddling the men. DH is a rather typical man of a certain type . I have stupidly allowed him to evolve to not know how to do any housework, certainly not without nagging and even that would only involve light hovering (he also can't do any 'men' stuff to balance this out, like DIY but he does make cups of tea , as he would want me to point out! ). Anyway, not moaning about that. (Today!). I remember with fondness how close my mother and I were when I was a teenager - we went shopping, to the cinema, read books, cuddled, watched TV together... etc. I can't remember the last time DS1 was actually nice to me, in fact sometimes quite the opposite (I guess it's hormones). DS2 is very very sweet and affectionate but he is nearly 13 and I suspect these days are numbered. Our TV is wall to wall to wall football (I watch Strictly by myself in the kitchen ; if I'm lucky DS2 comes to watch Ninja Warrior or The Voice with me ) and my weekends consist of football matches/ cricket matches/ training and doing food shopping by myself My DM lives in the US, my DS, too. MIL is in Wales (and anyway, we aren't very close) and I am not really a person who has close friends. besides which if I went out for the day with a friend, I'd come back and be annoyed all over again about what didn't happen while I was out... I am not after advice about how to change my DH (or DCs for that matter). Just some sympathy, empathy and maybe some ideas that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel or a better way to look at things. Just need cheering up really.

I feel for you. I'm not in the same situation but my mum died when I was small and I missed out on a mother daughter relationship. Now I have a DD and I wish I knew what I was doing! DS is easy as I'm not 'supposed' to have practiced a mother/son relationship anyway. So I kind of know how you feel about missing your mum. I think as we age and head towards Matriarch status it can be quite daunting.

I'm sure you will get settled into this new phase of your life and gravitate towards female friends. One thing I find is at football all the mums bunch together and chat and it has become quite a sociable way to spend a weekend morning. So maybe go along to the sports a bit more often?

i know you say you want empathy and sympathy and not a problem solving thing but i am twitching reading your post.

I am a mother of two sons. My dh and one of my sons are mad about football. The other son is very into fantsy/superhero movies so I understand about them always wanting their stuff on TV.

What I don't understand is that you seem to believe that you have less worth than any of them. that it is solely your role to clean and cook and watch your programmes on the small tv. why? Why do you believe that?

is that the kind of men you want your sons to be when they are older?

We all live here, we all have equal responsibilities.

Dh and i share jobs, the boys pitch in. We all cook to varying degrees.

the boys are super affectionate -and talk to me a lot. ds1 and i went out for dinner together the other night and put the world to rights.

I have a far better relationship with them then i have ever had with my own mother. Don't kid yourself that having a girl would mean cosy chats and shopping trips.

I have equal rights to watch tv on the sofa too so after the match i will say 'my turn' and then stick on a movie or whatever.

And you need to make a social network for yourself-join that bookclub, take up that hobby. Do stuff with ust your dh- leave the boys at home and go for a drink or for a walk or a meal or to a film or a show or anything.

I think you are wildly off the mark with what you 'imagine' having a dd is like.

I have a ds and 2 dds.
I've just got in from watching dd2 play her football match. Tomorrow I'm watching dd1 play her rugby match. If I want to go and have a coffee or a lunch out, then ds will always be the one who is up for that, not the girls. Same with shopping tbh (which I only do when entirely necessary) - ds is the one who would go for a bit of shopping by choice, not the dds.

As others have said, this isn't about you having ds's, it's about you not having either friends, or a hobby that interests you to spend time with in the evenings, and seemingly yearning for one or the other.

This isn't meant to be a DH bashing thread to be clear. He has (many!) faults but is a very present father and very involved. I blame his father for a lot of his attitude towards sport and achievement and for his high stress personality and his DM for not making him learn to look after himself. She once publicly ticked me off on FB for having a minor (tongue in cheek) moan about why boys always leave It to the last minute to look for their stuff on the first day of term! She told me I was their mother and it was my job and to stop slagging them off! I haven't dared post anything like that since!!

We left the boys at home once to go for a drink. When I came back DS1 had dared DS2 to wee in his onesie. I found out a week later when I found it in the washing. True story!

whay haven't you dared? surely that post deserved a reply along the lines of 'i want my sons to grow up to be independent young men and not rods for some poor woman's back'

I am glad to hear dds are not necessarily any better/easier/ more loving!

how old are your sons?

Yes yes theroot, I should have done. Couldn't be doing with the argument so just deleted the post. 4 of my friends had liked it and one commented by then, so I knew she was off the mark. She prefers my SIL. Hey ho. Not that bothered. To stick up for DH for a moment, he would have been very cross with her if he had known.

sons are 15 and 12 - far too old for onesie weeing games! they're both quite young for their ages. Summer babies, too.

*paradise' thanks for your post and sorry you lost your mum.

I do go to DS2s football. he has changed teams and his old team was much more friendly, which is a shame. I am also a school governor so that gets me out sometimes.

hilarious weeing the onsie. I am in an all male household. I get you totally.

haha! The football is now over and they are rolling on the floor and farting.

DS is nearly 19 and more than happy to come out for a coffee with me especially if cake is involved.
We also go to the cinema. He came to see Bridget Jones Baby with me and in return, I've learned to love Avengers films.

He hates football though.

do you think they might be young for their ages because you bay them a bit? do everything for them?

I can see it upsets you but I wonder if you need to change your mind set, OP. Look at what's good about the people you do have round you and don't compare your life to that of others. I've sometimes wondered how a girl would fit into this family but I'm happy having 4 sons and a husband - and there's not even a female cat here.

I can only tell you about my gang of men. I have a warm relationship with all of them. One is not cuddly - outgrew it some time in his early teens. He might not like cuddles but he does still talk to me! He and the youngest are still here - 2 others are away at uni and working. When we meet up I get a warm hug and they seem pleased to see me. Maybe I'm easily pleased but it feels plenty to me. I try to get to the city they are in once a term at least. We meet up, eat food, chat. DS 3 especially likes to go to cafes with me - I think it started when i had 4 under 8 and I tried to always go out with one of them away from the others. Not all the time but maybe once every few months. Sometimes all we did was go to the library or take a bus to the supermarket.

We all have similar senses of humour and political views - we text if something big happens. We've been texting about Trump and May, Johnston's gaffes, etc. On the morning of the Brexit result, I got a text from one of them saying ' I hear Jupiter is nice at this time of year'.

I do sometimes miss female company but I don't regard it as my sons' role in my life. Now and then i meet up with friends and the chat IS different. Maybe I'm lucky in being good with my own company, and I didn't have a hugely warm relationship with my mother who's been dead a long time now. I do miss her but she was disabled and ill for the last 10 years of her life so I never had the going for coffee thing with her.

I am sorry you feel sad about your lot. Maybe it's a phase that will pass.

No I don't theroot. They're just quite young . Boys sometimes are. As I am sure are girls before anyone protests! they're young in a generally nice way.

OP....the son has gf is an interesting stage.......just sayin!

Auld : genuinely thoughtful post. Interesting. Thanks. I do sometimes talk to my stepmum like that but she is also far away. We do email and text though so that's something.

OP, I meant to say - My men eat cake. The sons like it more than their dad who does this holier than thou thing about cake. But only cos he's seen the light and his teeth are a dreadful mess due to past cake eating and poor self-care. I don't like shopping with others anyway - only go to shops with boys if I need to provide funds. Now they are older I might suggest they go in first and try stuff on. It depends really. But I don't hang about around men's changing rooms. Not much anyway!

I'm there too, except without the husband.

I have two teenage sons, 14 and 15. They're lovely, but the days that i was the centre of their universe are long gone. They don't want to do anything with me these days, live in the bedroom, come down to eat and ask where stuff is.

I'm trying hard to think "this is normal. Whatever i did wrong, separating from your mum as a teen is normal behaviour and they're doing it"

I already miss them. Christ knows how i'll feel in 5 years or so.

ClopySow yes, just that. I feel your pain ...

We had the gf of son phase too. I was really sad when they split up. They'd been together from mid teens for around 3 years. I genuinely liked the gf as a person, not because she was the dd I never had. She was also happy to hang around while ds tried on clothes in shops. He has v long legs so getting trousers takes effort.

And now the Scotand Ireland rugby torture.

Yes, but I'm Scottish and we're winning so every cloud....