Surrounded by menfolk and fed up

[ptangyangkipperbanguuh]

I love my children, I really do but sometimes I feel so marooned and fed up. I have two DSs - 15 and 12 and DH . The only female company I have is one of my two cats, who spends most of her time cuddling the men. DH is a rather typical man of a certain type . I have stupidly allowed him to evolve to not know how to do any housework, certainly not without nagging and even that would only involve light hovering (he also can't do any 'men' stuff to balance this out, like DIY but he does make cups of tea , as he would want me to point out! ). Anyway, not moaning about that. (Today!). I remember with fondness how close my mother and I were when I was a teenager - we went shopping, to the cinema, read books, cuddled, watched TV together... etc. I can't remember the last time DS1 was actually nice to me, in fact sometimes quite the opposite (I guess it's hormones). DS2 is very very sweet and affectionate but he is nearly 13 and I suspect these days are numbered. Our TV is wall to wall to wall football (I watch Strictly by myself in the kitchen ; if I'm lucky DS2 comes to watch Ninja Warrior or The Voice with me ) and my weekends consist of football matches/ cricket matches/ training and doing food shopping by myself My DM lives in the US, my DS, too. MIL is in Wales (and anyway, we aren't very close) and I am not really a person who has close friends. besides which if I went out for the day with a friend, I'd come back and be annoyed all over again about what didn't happen while I was out... I am not after advice about how to change my DH (or DCs for that matter). Just some sympathy, empathy and maybe some ideas that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel or a better way to look at things. Just need cheering up really.

I go out for coffee & cake with my teenage sons.
It takes a bit of effort but it's perfectly possible to have a close relationship between mother & son.

I know that feeling. Even the dog is a boy. He is my baby though. In fact, I recommend a dog. They keep giving you cuddles when the DCs grow up!

Have you got a spare room to turn into a snug for you? You can choose to read, watch tv, listen to music, when you want to escape the testosterone fuelled male bonding happening elsewhere?

Mine tend to appear for meals and driving lessons. Also board games if cookies are provided at the same time. We've started weekend family breakfasts to increase the amount of time we see them!

To reassure you re the cuddles - they come back to that
My ds (20) is the best for cuddles - it's just he wraps me up in his bear hug now, I don't get to pick him up. Has been this way since he was about 16 I think.

I think it may be a phase between the tow of them that stops coffee and cake so maybe I'll get those days back. We used to go to town together and then go for lunch or to Costa. Perhaps I'll try that at half term.

Yes to board games. We do do that at Xmas. They tend to fight but DS2 does play them with me and DS1 plays Scrabble from time to time if he gets bored (scuse pun!)

In an ironic move, I am now off out to take DS2 to cricket and then do the food shop while DS 1 lollops about at home 'revising'... thanks for all the input. Thought provoking.

Will email my DM when I get back.

Welcome to my world DH and 3 sons, wall to wall rugby for weeks now, tis on as I type. Get yourself netflix and ear plugs, i player etc. for tv watching. Go out with girlfriends at least once a month for a giggle and a moan. One day you will have DIL`s things start to pick up then. As for housework, cleaning rooms, they are quite capable so make them do it. Confiscate, phones, x boxes whatever politely and calmly and explain they will be returned when x, y, z, is done.

I think some people go into it thinking it will be so different and they can't get a drink etc so don't try or take 1 or 2 no's and then give up, thinking DDs are always up for it. I think there are in general some differences I think teens find it more acceptable for dd's to go clothes shopping than DS as I think it's seen as uncool " your mum still buys/ picks out your clothes for you!" And I think that's echoed in the media.

But I think it should be more specific to the child not necessarily shop and have drinks as if it's dead set on that being the plan it's more for the parent than the child.i think sometimes also people say children don't want to do anything whilst also not wanting to get involved if it sports, cars, crocheting, 19th century art etc.

I am in a male dominated household too. 5DS's plus DH (even our cat is a boy!) My DS1(18) meets me every Friday for lunch in my lunch hour. He still lives at home but this is just "our thing" that we do together. DS2(15) is football mad, training plus games means he's either at school or football and so has little spare time, but we're still very close.

DH hates shopping but my eldest 2 love it as much as me, we're away next week on a shopping trip together - just us 3 while DH stays at home with our youngest DS's.
This is purely down to personality though I think and nothing to do with being a boy or a girl. I am not close at all to my own DM. I never did anything like that with her whilst I was growing up and certainly can't imagine starting now. My own DF on the other hand I speak to every day and see at least 3 or 4 times in the week.

This is obviously just my take on things. It isn't all brilliant, I am sick to death of mopping up piss from around the toilet for one thing. I mean how hard is it to get it all in the toilet bowl ffs!? But having a DD doesn't mean you will be close or share interests and hobbies as they grow up, just as having a DS doesn't automatically mean you won't.

I am dithering about getting a little dog. My big lads have left and they totally did my head in but i miss them!!

I do feel sad about this too. I have a dd, and when I took her to our annual treat, the Capital Jingle Bell Ball, I noticed lots of mums with one or two teen/ pre teen girls. Almost none with sons. Now I notice the same phenomenon whenever we are out just the two of us.

Ds is only 7, and still v affectionate (and he hates sports!!) but I still cannot see us going for coffee and cake when he's 13 like I do with dd. People always post about their 'atypical' sporty dds on threads like this, but I think we all know the reality in the vast majority of cases.

There will always be exceptions, of course there will, but we all know deep down that it is much more socially acceptable for teen girls to be hanging out with their mums than it it is for teen ds's. 'Mummy's boy' is really not meant as a compliment when you're a teenage boy.

Not that I don't hope that ds will buck the trend!

I'm in another all male (except me) household. DH and 3 DSs. Even our 2 cats are male. We also currently have BiL lodging with us (a whole other thread ....), so am constantly surrounded by testosterone.

But, really, I think I've had it easy. Yes, on occasions a kindred female spirit might be nice, but I'm quite an independent person who is happy doing stuff alone, so most the time a lack of shared 'feminine' doesn't bother me unduly.

I guess none of our boys are terribly into 'manly' pursuits - not sports mad although they've all been through phases of undertaking various sporting activities but have also done things like drama clubs.

I think as they become young adults, the sexes perhaps even out a bit in the way they interact with their parents, so maybe only another 7-10 years to go OP.

I am pregnant with DS1, and if DP and DS think they can sitting watching football while i clean around them, they can think again! I'll plonk myself on the sofa and put Strictly on! I bought the bloody TV!

OK, will wait another 7 -10 years v patiently while mopping piss from around the toilet (that's sooo true!) and tiptoe round the Spurs match now on and steal stealth cuddles when DS1 is off guard. All good!

why?
this is only happening because you are being a martyr and allowing it to happen.

I totally understand. I have two teenage boys and an 8 year old dd. I can totally imagine that's how I would feel if dd hadn't arrived accidentally. In fact we both feel outnumbered and sick of the men in our house, the sports, the 'banter', the smelly toilets etc. Dd is sick and we have spent the entire day with sports on. We're both bored to tears but outnumbered. Why the f#%k does football outrank everything else?!

I have 2 ds and a dd who by the way hates shopping. My two ds and dh are sports mad. I decided very early on to join In or be left out. I went to all their matches, watched every cock fight on TV. We don't have TV in the rooms so meant at least we were all together. My youngest ds started watching quizzes with me and we both love them trying to best each other. He is in college now and at weekends he suggests movies to us he has watched on Netflix so we put them on and all watch together. My oldest ds went to a stage of being cut off doing his own thing but now he comes in full of chat.
My dd and l get on well but rarely shop together or drink coffee together. She actually does that more with her Df.
It's just a stage you are at. All is not lost. Keep in your boys world. Even if it means watching football.

And definitely join some groups even if you don't make great friends it's an interest and they will respect you having a life of your own. Last week my dd was telling a friend about all the stuff l do and she sounded so proud l was glad l do them though sometimes looking longingly at the fire when it's time to go out.

this is only happening because you are being a martyr and allowing it to happen

That's unkind and untrue.

The loneliness of being a sole female in an all male household happens naturally because you and your family have different tastes. I too have lived the strictly in a different room from the rest of the household while they are watching a match. I have frequently and warmly invited my teenage sons to come for a nice lunch and a shop for new clothes that they want on my credit card - nah, they'd prefer just to order the clothes online and eat the contents of the fridge.

Currently going on in my family- one male is making model aeroplanes (I don't share the interest), one male is in bed with headphones on playing games (not permitted to talk to that one) and the third male (who has just told me he is moving abroad) is at a mates for the weekend and has failed to answer any of my texts congratulating him on said move or answering any questions about dates (would love to talk to that one but I am obviously not on the list of priorities).

Friends who have girls and boys say it is different. I'm a strong feminist and have tried to bring my boys up to be too. But it is.

Stop tiptoeing round the Spurs match

I know you don't want to diss him but your DH has really set the tone here, hasn't he?

And you must make them clean the toilet!!! (and the floor)

Well she certainly shouldn't be mopping piss up from around the loo; sorry but that is martyred behaviour. Neither should the children be dictating what's on TV or her husband colluding with that, it does sound like being a second class citizen in her own house. My husband can't stand Strictly either, he's welcome to do something else while I watch it on our TV in our sitting room. As for female company, that's what your friends are for isn't it?

Op, I hear you loud and clear: DH, 4 DSs, male dog and male guinea pig here.

I have had to reevaluate my life a while ago and now make an effort to really look after my female relationships, whether it's friends or family.
i've joined a choir and do yoga regularly.
I will not pretend that I am interested in motorsport (thankfully no football obsession here) or remote controlled toys drones

I have a close relationship to my DSs and thankfully I hate shopping with a vengeance, so don't miss that aspect of a 'typical female' relationship. And I do pull them up on unthinking, thoughtless misogyny even though my boys are only between 14 and 7

*That's unkind and untrue.

The loneliness of being a sole female in an all male household happens naturally because you and your family have different tastes. *

No it's doesn't! It happens when you allow the males you live with to put their needs above your own all the time.
I AM the only female inh my house-i have a husband and i have two teenage sons and i stated earlier in the thread.

why is she cleaning up their piss from the bathroom floor? why is she watching tv in the lkitchen rather than on the sofa in living room? because she has allowed them to make her consider herself as second class.

'not permitted ' to talk to another person in your own house? fuck that for a game of soldiers

I hear you loud and clear too OP. DH and 3 dses. And demanding boy dog. And I grew up with 2 older brothers. I don't know what god is doing, handing me all these men - I'm such a woman's woman.

I'm close to my boys, but I would have loved a daughter. Seeing my dses now as they are starting to get girlfriends makes it worse in a way, I envy their mums!