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AIBU?

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Original poster

Surrounded by menfolk and fed up

128 replies

ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 13:02

I love my children, I really do but sometimes I feel so marooned and fed up. I have two DSs - 15 and 12 and DH . The only female company I have is one of my two cats, who spends most of her time cuddling the men. DH is a rather typical man of a certain type . I have stupidly allowed him to evolve to not know how to do any housework, certainly not without nagging and even that would only involve light hovering (he also can't do any 'men' stuff to balance this out, like DIY but he does make cups of tea , as he would want me to point out! ). Anyway, not moaning about that. (Today!). I remember with fondness how close my mother and I were when I was a teenager - we went shopping, to the cinema, read books, cuddled, watched TV together... etc. I can't remember the last time DS1 was actually nice to me, in fact sometimes quite the opposite (I guess it's hormones). DS2 is very very sweet and affectionate but he is nearly 13 and I suspect these days are numbered. Our TV is wall to wall to wall football (I watch Strictly by myself in the kitchen ; if I'm lucky DS2 comes to watch Ninja Warrior or The Voice with me ) and my weekends consist of football matches/ cricket matches/ training and doing food shopping by myself My DM lives in the US, my DS, too. MIL is in Wales (and anyway, we aren't very close) and I am not really a person who has close friends. besides which if I went out for the day with a friend, I'd come back and be annoyed all over again about what didn't happen while I was out... I am not after advice about how to change my DH (or DCs for that matter). Just some sympathy, empathy and maybe some ideas that there might be a light at the end of the tunnel or a better way to look at things. Just need cheering up really.

OP posts:
Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 18:51

Thanks haffdonga ! The mopping the piss up was me tongue in cheek quoting another PP.

FWIW, I am a feminist, and non one who knows me would call me a martyr.

The comments form folk who understand are touching and kind. I didn't find the martyr comment unkind; just a bit condescending.
I am currently watching a very bad programme in the kitchen. it is comfy actually and I get peace and quiet. The TV in the front room is a bit bigger and I accede that is better for Footie. 4 Males (there's another here now) don't fit in the kitchen on the little sofa.
I think some people are misimagining my boys. They have no technology at all in their bedrooms. We have two TVs. DS2 doesn't have a phone. they're quite old school. I did just state I wanted a bit of fellow feeling, so thanks to those who get it.
I do know having a DD might not have ever been a 'solution'. I have my DS to go on there as evidence of how difficult girls can be.

OP posts:
Castleheights · 04/02/2017 18:52

Yabu to use "menfolk" and refer to a cat as if it's a person.

Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 18:52

I meant DSis - oops

OP posts:
Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 18:52

Did I refer to the cat as if it was a person??

OP posts:
Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 18:54

Thanks Through

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/02/2017 18:55

theroot if one person wants to watch strictly, and 3 want to watch sport then it's the 3 that are going to be in the main tv room.

My brother has the opposite, his wife and daughters hog the main TVs with soaps, strictly, X factor. He spends all his time in his bedroom watching sport.

Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 18:57

I did overhear a man while I was at Sainsburys talking to a woman over their trollies. He was joking that he came out to do the shop for peace and quiet as he lived with 4 women! So I guess the other sex feels it too the other way round. I have noticed my BIL is very excited to have a boy now.

OP posts:
Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 18:59

I think, in order to make a point about my doormat status, some of you sound like you aren't' very nice to your DHs!!

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/02/2017 18:59

I hear you!

Weekends are hard here with 15 year old DS and dh , they take up so much space. And they're so loud.

I was delighted when a cat came to live with us,I was sure it was a girl and the house would be a bit more balanced but no such luck as it turned out to be a male cat!!!Hmm

Even the fucking hamster is a bit!

It's testosterone city here Hmm

Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 18:59

Haha Dame

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/02/2017 19:00

My cat IS a person. He rules the bloody house hold!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/02/2017 19:00

**hamster is a BOY

Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 19:01

I thought 'bit' was some kind of slang...

OP posts:
DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 04/02/2017 19:03
Grin
Junebugjr · 04/02/2017 19:20

Opposite problem here, we're all girls, our DD's kick up such a stink if there's even a sniff of sport on, so DH has his own man cave.
I know DH feels left out on times, so I've tried to encourage the things they do have in common, like biking.

motherinferior · 04/02/2017 19:23

I think you are sentimentalising a cliched idea of the mother-daughter relationship; I have two teenage daughters and I adore them but we don't spend our time cuddled up or going shopping (though it's nice when we all run into each other on our way back from anti-Trump demosGrin).

I also think it really cannot help your general wellbeing if your husband refuses to do any housework and your sons do a minimal amount of clearing up after themselves.

Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 19:32

I think I am sentimentalising, you're right.

He doesn't refuse. As I said, he does light hovering ( I meant hovering, not hovering). He just doesn't really notice the need as such. If I wasn't around he would live in a shithole. I know. I saw his toilet when we first met. But he doesn't expect me to run around after him and doesn't demand I do housework. If I didn't dust for six months (not sure why I put if...) he wouldn't notice and certainly wouldn't criticise. I know of some DHs who would.

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Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 19:32

Why can't I put hovering??? Dratted spellcheck - vacuuming,....

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whattimestea · 04/02/2017 19:39

I am the piss mopping up poster! It's irritating but I don't see it as being a martyr to clean up piss off my bathroom floor if I see its messy. Sometimes DH notices it and cleans it, sometimes the younger DS's do it without realising - youngest one is 3 so it's one of those things. It's not always left to me to do but I DEFINITELY am the only one not responsible for it ever being there! I also imagine it's not a problem an all female household would face which was more the point I was making. Each sex has there own hygiene hazard for want of a better word. I have friends with teenage DD's who tell me that finding used sanitary products in their rooms is not unusual Shock

Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 19:40

I think my other issue, as I hinted at in my first posts is that I am feeling a bit hormonal because my SIL has had a baby. DS2 is nearly 13. He still has teddies and we play games together and we have a little club thing every Sunday evening (yes, that is as sweet as it sounds). I am already missing those days and they haven't even stopped yet. So maybe it isn't a gender thing at all... ?

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HemanOrSheRa · 04/02/2017 19:47

I know just how you feel. DS is coming up to his 12th birthday and is definitely not my little boy anymore. He's getting BIG and smelly. He has always been exuberant .

We used to go off on holiday for several weeks at a time, just the two of us (maybe the dog), DP couldn't always join us due to his job, and had an amazing time. Anyway, earlier this week I asked him if he would fancy going to Centre Parcs this spring for a short break, we've never been.'Ooooh yes please' DS says. I mention that it might be just the two of us. 'Oh. Ummmm. Well that might be a bit boring' he says Shock. I was a little bit hurt I must say. But then I realise that it might actually be a sign that I've done something right! He's pulling away from me and finding his own way which is as it should be. Of course, I shall continue to try and embarrass him and ruin his street cred at every opportunity Grin. He still comes for cuddles, they are on his terms now though as he's reaching puberty which again is as it should be.

Original poster
ptangyangkipperbanguuh · 04/02/2017 19:48

Thanks Heman for your understanding and thoughtful words.

OP posts:
HemanOrSheRa · 04/02/2017 20:04

I also wanted to say that I spend a lot of time on my own at home with DS - DP works late shifts and I work mornings. I have to do all of the after school ferrying around etc and also because DS is an 'only' our place is popular so I often have a houseful of boys too. I am absolutely starting to reevaluate what I'm about now.

MorrisZapp · 04/02/2017 20:12

Christ I envy you. All that wonderful freedom to do as you please or just 'be', without a small child dangling from you, demanding you list your top eight zoo animals. I have DP and six year old DS, DP is obsessed with sports but DS too young to get involved much.

I can't wait to wave them off on numerous, lengthy sports trips. In fact I think about it every day. I just want peace!

PacificDogwod · 04/02/2017 20:25

It is rather lovely now when we all go out how all the DSs have to go to the toilet with DH and I get a chance to go to my very own toilet cubicle and only wipe my own bits Grin

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