Oh holy fuck I need to move house immediately. And change my name and possibly have facial surgery.

[EssieTregowan]

We live in a detached house. There is a small row of terraced 'starter' houses opposite (this is relevant).

I can back from the school run to find a hand delivered card on the mat to 'Rebecca'. Rebecca lives opposite in one of the terraces, but I couldn't remember which one.

Anyway, I've just seen her pull in so I dashed out the front to hand it to her. She apologised for the inconvenience and I laughed and said 'no worries, who ever it was obviously thought you were better off than you are!'

What the actual fuck is wrong with me?

I just went all shivery as soon as I said it and turned round and ran indoors. Oh my god what must she think of me?

I have often crippling social anxiety and often blurt out stuff without thinking but this has to be my worst ever.

Kill me now. It would be a kindness.

I met up with a friend I hadn't seen for a few months recently, she asked if I'd lost weight, I replied that I'd lost about a stone.
Friend: "You look amazing, you look better for it. Your face looks lovely".
She must have realised what she said as she spluttered " Not that it wasn't lovely before"

Oh so we did posting twins loopy

Next time you see her mention that your identical twin sister has now returned to Spain/Singapore/Swaziland and you are so relieved because she is a tactless twat.

That should work

Well, it's a pretty well-used explanation in any number of made-for-TV movies on Channel 5 in the afternoon [wink}

asking the gay barman in a straight-friendly drag revue club where to find the fag machine

Love it!! You take me back to visiting South Carolina back when I used to smoke, and remarking to someone in a shopping mall that I was "dying for a fag". In my defence it was the very first time I'd been to the US so I didn't understand all the references, but the horrified look I got still plays on my mind

Puzzled, I said exactly that phrase as I was going through passport control in orlando. Luckily the security guy (armed!) saw the funny side.

Oh no, I said I could MURDER a fag.

My dickishness is international.

That genuinely made me LOL! Totally the sort of thing I'd say.

puzzled you remind me of the cautionary tale we got told when I spent a year in the US, of the British student in a previous year who landed at NY, announced loudly, "God, I could murder a fag", and came pretty close to getting put back on the plane by airport security.

boring Bob

OP, I think you should move house.

When we bought this house, moving in, the neighbour and I were getting acquainted over the fence. He told me he had just taken early retirement.

"Good for you", I said, "how much is your pension?"

He's been distinctly cool ever since.

It's been 22 years.

sarahnova

I console myself that it could have been worse, I worked with a lot of gay guys, no smoking environment, my dad came by to pick me up one day and I was caught up in something so he had to wait for a while, he announced while I was talking to our gay receptionist that he was just nipping outside for a puff. I wanted to die on the spot, receptionist pissed himself laughing telling the entire office later.

God this is reminding me of another one, was chatting to another mum waiting for kids to be let out of school and I yawned she said "oh are you really tired?" and I replied "no I'm just really bored". What is wrong with me.

Oh yes - and the bride leaving for her wedding from the house next door in Boston, USA. I remarked on her lovely dress, then said to the man with her how nice it was to see they did that same thing where the father accompanies his daughter to church

It was the groom ...

If someone said that to me then ran off, I'd think they were embarrassed at what had been said and wouldn't be offended. I'm familiar with the term 'starter home' as they're often marketed as such and you pointing out yours is a detached is relevant to the story so not sure why anyone needed to pick at that. Anyway, if I then got a note, all would be fine.

I open gob and insert feet on a regular basis. I said masturbated instead of masticated recently in my day job. DH said orgasm instead of organism in front of 400 people. In political circles it's called mis speaking. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I once told a woman I worked with, her granddaughter was a beautiful baby. It was her daughter. And she wasn't even an older mother, and I still have no idea why I said granddaughter instead of daughter.

If you had said that to me, I would have thought you were a complete douche, mental or not!

However if you posted that note I would forgive you

OP:
Next time engage your brain before you open your mouth. What you said was crass and stupid. Bet she thought so too. And no, it wasn't all funny.

...it wasn't at all funny.

What you said was crass and stupid.

^^Whereas in comparison that is crass, stupid and intentional .

Of course it is intentional. It is my OPINION.

Caraaspen . It is funny because it's unintended and awkward. Ur just mean

Hmmmm