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Original poster

To want to unfriend

130 replies

Londonjam · 03/02/2017 08:36

My three oldest, closest friends bonded at secondary school and have been close ever since.

One of them has increasingly become difficult for me to be around and I find myself wanting to cut contact with her more and more.

She is very competitive - particularly with me. She constantly finds ways to mention how much her flat is worth, how much her husband earns, how much his bonus was. She even competes about ridiculous things like how much annual leave she gets and when they were buying a new car she even asked me what size our car engine is. One of the most ridiculous lines was after the birth of her child she said her husband said her vagina felt even tighter during sex as they stitched her up so well. I can't believe I'm even typing this - but she said it.

Things seem to happen easily for her. She met her husband "in a bar" they got engaged within a year, married and then had a baby in quick succession. She says they conceived the first time they tried.

I have since found out from one of her husbands friends that they met online - so I know she has lied about that. I'm sure she has lied about more.

My husband and I have had our ups and downs. He took his sweet time proposing to me (9 years) - during which time I saw this friend meet, get engaged and marry her DH. We have been trying for a baby for over a year - something I've wanted very badly all my life - and the disappointment every month is crushing. We have struggled to buy our own home , saving and saving for years and are finally doing it now.

I try not to compare myself to her - we have our own separate lives - but it's hard when she shoves it in your face all the time. Since she found out where we are buying she has said repeatedly how much she loves our road, it's the perfect road, they are looking on our road. It's like she knows it would wind me up and it's her way of spoiling the one positive thing we have going on.

I think she's also trying to make me think she's pregnant again as whenever I see her or hear from her she says things like "I am sooooooooooooo tired all the time, why am I so tired??? My boobs hurt that's weird. Etc etc etc". Why do this???

I could tolerate her before but now I'm having to cope with not conceiving it's just too much and I feel like I'm spending too much mental energy on her. I get so angry and upset thinking about her emails and messages. I never ever contact her by the way - it's always her messaging me.

I guess I just want some advice on what to do about it. Do I say something? If so what and how? It would also impact painfully on the friendship group. How do you unfriend someone???

OP posts:
Original poster
Londonjam · 04/02/2017 11:59

Thanks again girls

Sotired I haven't had a heart to heart with her and I couldn't imagine doing that really. I agree she must be very insecure and I might sound a bit heartless saying I want to unfriend her but I just can't deal with her jabs at the moment. I find her competitiveness exhausting.

I think she would vehemently deny everything if I did ever ask her why she does it. I don't think it would go well. She is clearly not the kind of person who would say "you're right I'm not happy in myself and I'm sorry I've made you feel like that". I think she'd be horrified at the thought of someone feeling sorry for her. She tries so hard to create this image of having the perfect life.

For now I am going into self preservation mode. This might sound selfish but infertility is absolutely draining me and wearing me down. I'm usually a positive and bubble person but yesterday I cried 3-4 times at my desk silently hoping no one would notice. This is not me! I am seeing now what I'm going through and I don't have spare energy for dealing with a frenemy right now.

No space in my life for people who make me feel shit! Isn't this what people say is great about being in their 30s? I'm getting in on some of that.

OP posts:
KellyBoo800 · 04/02/2017 12:05

She sounds awful.

One thing I have noticed from your post though - they are looking at moving from their flat to a house on your road, so upsizing? You feel that she is trying to make you think she is pregnant? Be prepared for a pregnancy announcement any day now. I don't think she would do that just to play mind games, chances are she already knows she is pregnant and wants you to ask her about it.

From someone who struggled TTC (have given up now!) You have my sympathy. It does mess with you. I wish you lots of luck

lljkk · 04/02/2017 12:05

OMG, smug people are sheer entertainment. I would stay "friends" with her just so I could watch.

I realise that's not comfortable for other people, but smug people disgrace themselves. I just watch.

Original poster
Londonjam · 04/02/2017 12:08

Kelly so sorry you have struggled with conceiving too. Yes they are upsizing and planning another baby. I don't really very much either way about it - genuinely will be happy for them they are growing their family and it'll be lovely for their little girl to have a sibling. There's also a part of me that thinks it'll be easier to not have to see her when she's pregnant as that'll be more obviously harder for me to cope with.

I'm going to try and think less about her and their lives and leave them to it. Need to focus on me and my DH and what we are going though.

OP posts:
HappyFlappy · 04/02/2017 13:08

She is clearly not the kind of person who would say "you're right I'm not happy in myself and I'm sorry I've made you feel like that".

I agree London

She sounds like the sort of person who would either deny everything and accuse you of being paranoid, or give a "faux" apology. ("I'm sorry that you find it upsetting." - this blaming you once again for being upset.)

Strategic avoidance and un-FB-ing her would be best, I think.

Lucy7400 · 04/02/2017 20:34

I have one of these people in my life. She lives on my road, we have kids at the same school, mutual friends. She behaves exactly like your friend and over the years she got under my skin so much. She slags everyone off, boasts and lies and makes shitty remarks. Even DH calls her poison. If I had had a big row with her (I have been close) she would have twisted and manipulated it.

So instead I have taken her power away. Just massive step back, slower replies to messages, not asking her about things, short replies to messages. She doesnt know how to deal with this Grin. She came round recently as we were having a partu for my son that her daughter was invited to. She made several 'jellyfish' remarks which I just hmmmed to. It was most entertaining.

The less power she has had, the more I see her for the insecure sado she is. Its refreshing.

I also dont talk about her to mutual friends. Dont lower yourself to her level.

Curioushorse · 04/02/2017 20:45

I'm Facebook friends with somebody who looks like they have an amazing life. Really amazing. And every time you've eaten an apple, they've eaten five bigger, better ones etc.

And then one day she posted, out of the blue, that her husband had been arrested and charged with ongoing domestic violence against her. Utterly shocked.

You never know what's going on behind the scenes.

sotiredbutworthit · 04/02/2017 23:12

OP, I do not blame you one bit for wanting nothing more to do with her! Sorry as I feel for her, your number one priority has to be your own health and wellbeing! Especially with everything you are having to deal with at the moment. It's not being selfish at all, please don't think I was implying that you were! You sound like a lovely, caring woman OP. I have had my own struggles to conceive so I can empathise with you a little on that point. Take some time out for you. Hope everything works out for you. Sending lots of love and hugs 😘😘xxx

lalalalyra · 04/02/2017 23:26

Back away from her. She's a nasty person - anyone who torments a person TTC'ing in the way she is with you is just plain nasty. I bet if you asked her outright she'll tell you she is pregnant and make a big scene about how she's been dying to tell people for ages, but she didn't want to upset you [She doesn't happen to have a v.v.unusual name starting with X does she? If so - she is a bitch]

Before getting rid of her on social media I'd be posting a link to a rightmove house slightly far enough away from you and slightly more expensive than yours and making out like I was lusting after it in a bid to get away from the noisy students/mechanic who has taken to working in cars/train line. Then if she goes for it she's out of your way.

Original poster
Londonjam · 05/02/2017 11:05

Lucy well done for rising above it

Thanks sotired that's much appreciated 😊

Lala no not the same person. It sounds like there are a few of these types around!

OP posts:
Original poster
Londonjam · 13/02/2017 16:20

Update: I've been happily ghosting / ignoring / cracking on and she's increasingly been in touch with me. Think she's realising I'm backing off and she's being more persistent. Got a message a few hours ago asking me which estate agent we used 😩 I feel like this is deliberately goading me as it's making me feel like she's going to buy on our road again. I don't need this! Do I just ignore?

OP posts:
HouseworkIsASin10 · 13/02/2017 16:25

Ignore. She is desperate for a reaction so don't give her one!!

GeekyWombat · 13/02/2017 16:25

Just ignore. Mark as unread. Don't worry OP :)

Chloe84 · 13/02/2017 16:26

Keep ignoring, OP.

She must be getting desperate for a reaction. Don't give her one.

Katy07 · 13/02/2017 16:31

Keep ignoring!

Magzmarsh · 13/02/2017 16:33

Agree with others. Don't engage, she's getting desperate and upping the ante to get you to bite op.

MrsT2007 · 13/02/2017 16:35

Think of it like starving the fire of oxygen.

Concentrate on you. She can find her own sodding estate agent

FrenchJunebug · 13/02/2017 16:35

Ignore. Your priority is yourself. You do not need people like her in your life at present.

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 13/02/2017 16:39

Another one for ignore!

(Ps as an aside I was just reading about your ttc. Can I suggest reflexology? Whether it works or is just psychosomatic I can't say but it seemed to help us...if not, either way it's a nice foot massage that will hopefully destress you - and it sounds like with this crazy friend you need that!)

Janey50 · 13/02/2017 16:40

With friends like that,who needs enemies? She's a 'frenemy' OP,as someone upthread has said. I seriously think you would be better off without her in your life. I wouldn't do anything too drastic,just let the friendship 'slide' iyswim.

SuperFlyHigh · 13/02/2017 16:55

Ghost her and unfriend. She's toxic.

My real friends know all about my life and the ups and downs. My FB friends I tend to let them think what they want or believe what they like about me, some I don't mind If they know the whole truth etc... But have had several people ask if I've had kids or why I'm so elusive, it's not lying just that some of those people I can do without knowing the intricate details of my life!

If she buys on the same road though you can quite easily avoid her and if necessarily unfriend etc.

I've had a couple of ex work colleagues/friends deliberately try to get in contact where I know they'd spy and tell others about my lack of success or my success! These people weren't there for me when I was being horrendously bullied so why should I bother with them now? Same with this toxic friend.

SuperFlyHigh · 13/02/2017 16:56

MrsT has a great one re "depriving fire of oxygen"!

LeaningTowerOfGaffney · 13/02/2017 16:56

Ignore, ignore. You have nothing to gain by getting back in touch.

I agree with the others that a friend should be someone who makes you feel good about yourself: big you up, be a sympathetic ear, and be honest and empathetic.

You sound lovely, OP. Fingers crossed for potential pregnancy.

seafoodeatit · 13/02/2017 16:57

Definitely keep ignoring, someone that toxic isn't going to add anything to your life. On another note, I'm very sorry you're having trouble conceiving, having been through it myself I know hard it can be, you need to surround yourself with good friends and take it easy as this is all stressful enough without a bitchy so called friend to worry about.

SleepFreeZone · 13/02/2017 17:17

Ignore or be non specific. Most importantly just act like her actions have no interest or effect on you. Indifference is a killer.

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