To want to unfriend

[Londonjam]

My three oldest, closest friends bonded at secondary school and have been close ever since.

One of them has increasingly become difficult for me to be around and I find myself wanting to cut contact with her more and more.

She is very competitive - particularly with me. She constantly finds ways to mention how much her flat is worth, how much her husband earns, how much his bonus was. She even competes about ridiculous things like how much annual leave she gets and when they were buying a new car she even asked me what size our car engine is. One of the most ridiculous lines was after the birth of her child she said her husband said her vagina felt even tighter during sex as they stitched her up so well. I can't believe I'm even typing this - but she said it.

Things seem to happen easily for her. She met her husband "in a bar" they got engaged within a year, married and then had a baby in quick succession. She says they conceived the first time they tried.

I have since found out from one of her husbands friends that they met online - so I know she has lied about that. I'm sure she has lied about more.

My husband and I have had our ups and downs. He took his sweet time proposing to me (9 years) - during which time I saw this friend meet, get engaged and marry her DH. We have been trying for a baby for over a year - something I've wanted very badly all my life - and the disappointment every month is crushing. We have struggled to buy our own home , saving and saving for years and are finally doing it now.

I try not to compare myself to her - we have our own separate lives - but it's hard when she shoves it in your face all the time. Since she found out where we are buying she has said repeatedly how much she loves our road, it's the perfect road, they are looking on our road. It's like she knows it would wind me up and it's her way of spoiling the one positive thing we have going on.

I think she's also trying to make me think she's pregnant again as whenever I see her or hear from her she says things like "I am sooooooooooooo tired all the time, why am I so tired??? My boobs hurt that's weird. Etc etc etc". Why do this???

I could tolerate her before but now I'm having to cope with not conceiving it's just too much and I feel like I'm spending too much mental energy on her. I get so angry and upset thinking about her emails and messages. I never ever contact her by the way - it's always her messaging me.

I guess I just want some advice on what to do about it. Do I say something? If so what and how? It would also impact painfully on the friendship group. How do you unfriend someone???

I actually think you sound as bad as each other to be honest. You are both better off if you can distance yourselves but remain civil so as not to put your other friends in a position

My SIL is like this, always asks you how you are but interrupts halfway through to tell you about how amazingly well she is doing. It's insecurity. Although half the time I think SIL says things to me to get a reaction, so I just refuse to give her one. These people love trying to put you down in order to make themselves feel superior, that's all it is.

If you can minimise contact with her then do that. Otherwise just try not to let it get you down, comparison is the thief of joy and all she is doing is belittling you for her own selfish reasons. Just try to ignore.

Mags thanks for your message, I can't believe she would call you to compete! Ridiculous. What is wrong with some people! I'm glad to hear that it can be coped with

Nocabbage why do I sound as bad? Genuinely what am I doing wrong?

Thanks for all the responses this is really helping me get some perspective

Jellyfish friend

You did the right thing by telling your other friend why you were avoiding the frenemy one!!
People who boast, i tend to nick name them ' elevenife' because if you've been to Tenerife, they have been one better!
Just try to shake it all off if you can. i know its hard when things are not going well in your own life, but things change and she will come unstuck keeping friends if she doesnt change her ways. people do get found out in the end. good luck with your own IVF by the way. hope it goes well.

Just cut ties
I once sat next to a couple of women st swimming who tried to out Christmas one another. It sounded exhausting

I think it's quite natural for friendships to ebb and flow over time. Don't cut all ties, it would be too complicated with mutual friends and only cause gossip but I would slowly back away - leave longer between answering messages and don't make contact unless it is responding. That way, there is no confrontation and it's much easier to meet up in groups - the more, the better as it avoids too much one to one conversation.

No idea but she did that sort of thing all the time. She even started taking piano lessons so she could compete (and beat) me on that too.

She was utterly horrible to another friend who was undergoing IVF with the whole "dh only has to wink at me and I'm up the duff".

You sound like a good person going through a shitty time in your life. You need support, not this crap.

sorry op, i assumed ( wrong of me) you were having iVF ( didnt read the original post properly) didnt mean to upset you or anyone with that comment.
Good luck with things and dont let her get you down too much.

I hear you op and totally get it. just cut ties with her, easy. she doesn't sound like there is anything about her you will miss. i have always found it easy to walkaway from a friendship when it had come to its end. best of luck with ttc btw

She sounds like my brother. He's soooo glad he's got more money than us, gets paid more than my dh, is going to net £1m from the sale of his house - doesn't live in that one and has another 8 more etc. It really destabilises me. It's horrible ramming things down other people's throats. Especially when those people are vulnerable. I'm chronically ill so can't work so it really stings. I'd get as much distance as possible from this woman.

I've definitely made a point of cutting the people who make me feel like shit out of my life where possible. I would just start to notice trends of spending time with them, followed by feeling upset, down and inadequate. Friends should not make you feel this way, and you should enjoy their company and look forward to seeing them. I would dread certain people contacting me.

We don't have that much. Our house is rented, our car is older, our furniture is crappy. But, it's all bought and paid for, and we don't care that we don't own shiny new things. We don't care that we don't go on exotic holidays, or have the latest gadgets. I think that pisses people off sometimes. They can't understand why we're not playing the game.

One "friend" kept saying to me: Why doesn't your dh get a better job with more money? Why don't you move to a bigger house in a better area? Why don't you send your dc to a better school? Why is your dc (with sn) so slow?

Luckily, she's now moved away, and I can avoid and keep contact bare minimum.

Another "friend" was take take take. Always wanting me to pay for everything, and give her lifts to the airport or university. She never even thanked me. I became unavailable to her.

People who make you feel this way, just aren't worth your time or energy. Focus on your positive relationships and your own dreams and goals. Ditch the negative people.

Yes unfriend her. You're going through a tough time and you don't need this kind of confidence-sapping bitchiness in your life right now. I hate confrontation so I wouldn't do anything rash, just try and disengage and don't give her any material. I really hope you get your wish soon

I'm not depressed I'm just so desperate to be pregnant

I can understand that London - and sadly as a PP has said, getting tense about conception reduces the odds of it happening - but obviously it isn't something you have any conscious control over.

Keep out of her way - if you are out with a group of friends, change the subject when she starts up (if you have some friends who will leap in with a different topic this would be helpful). 33 isn't old, but if you have been trying for a while, speak to your GP if you haven't already, because if there is a physical problem it may take a little while to sort out and you don't want to leave things too long. Have you tried yoga or meditation techniques to relax yourself in general? Or even hypnotherapy? I'm not saying any of these will help you get pregnant, but they'll help you shrug of her jealousy (and that is exactly what it is.)

She's deliberately winding you up. We have all been in situation like this, and it's so easy to say "Don't let it get to you", but very hard not to do, I know. It's a bit like telling someone with clinical depression to "pull themselves together".

I disagree with Cabbage - I don't think you sound as bad as her. You just sound fed up with her "elevenerife" (Nice term,80's) behaviour.

Remind yourself that she is trying to make herself feel better, and because of your circumstances (she knows you are vulnerable because you are trying to conceive) you are an easy target. Try to find her amusing rather than irritating if you possibly can. Remember that people who really Are happy do not feel the need to spoil things for others.

Her behaviour is an indication that her life is probably sh*t, but she can't admit it even to herself. She sounds a very insecure and unhappy person. If you can, the next time she hints that she might be pregnant, either ignore it and pretend you haven't heard by turning the person next to you and changing the subject, or say it out loud - "Oh! I wonder of you're pregnant again already? - You want to be careful - that can ruin your figure and your sex life having babies very close together." (I probably couldn't bring myself to say this as, like you, I am non-confrontational but you never know).

Or say publicly, in front of everyone else "X - you know how upsetting I find it talking about "possibilities" at the moment. If you are definitely pregnant, tell us and we'll be delighted for you. If not shut your trap , please talk about something else." And change the subject. That will out her on the spot - if she gets weepy or anything, ignore it. If she insists she might be regnant ask her if she should be having that 11th Black Russian, or whatever.

She really does sound awful.

Like everyone's said she's the type to make a drama if you try to call her on her behaviour so I would agree with slowly detaching as the best strategy. Slow to reply and just short as possible and bland answers, she's looking for a reaction and validation so don't provide them and she will get bored.

I would also invent a new policy/incident at work and tell her you can no longer receive any personal emails or calls/texts while you are at work since that has been a big problem with her. Then block her emails from your work account.

Good luck with ttc, I remember it well, I hope she is irritating you with pregnancy and baby advice soon (not really but you know what I mean )

I agree with everything winnie said

I would firstly start responding to her work emails saying "sorry I'm really busy today, will have to speak another day" or set your out of office.

Secondly, I would make a joke about living in the same road, something along the lines of "I know imitation is the biggest form of flattery, but jeeze I don't want to be neighbours with you" (I know it's cringe worthy saying it, but it will embarrass her and I doubt she'll move).

Start responding to less and less of her texts. Make excuses when you see each other face to face. And always make a point of talking to other friends when you're all out. Eventually she will get the hint

Oh god op of she's really moving then like a pp suggested start talking about another area that you desperately wish you could move to it it's too expensive for your budget or something.

I would I think. Just cut her completely out of your life if she's calling you at work don't answer at all you're working not socialising. Block her on your phone don't bother about her feelings she doesn't care about yours.

Tell mutual friends why and just say you find it hard to put up with her during meet ups.

I hope you succeed in your ttc journey soon I've been there too xx

I tend to agree that some people cant bear it when people are poorer but OK/happy

Its like "I have everything, and yet I am not happy" - and they cannot get their fucked up little heads around it

I hate those jellyfish stings, but ironically since I did my therapy and development work stuff, I get less bothered. and people do it less!!!

OP, good lick with the TTC and have hope,

Lying constantly will make her tired.

She sounds awful but I think you're focusing your unhappiness over ttc on her. Try to detach. If you confront her it will probably escalate the drama.
Honestly in a few years time she'll likely be out of your life and you will have a lovely DC.

In all honestly, it sounds like you are the one with the jealousy/competitive issues. For example, mentioning what she said about her vagina, how is this a competition unless you had just said that yours is incredibly loose or something?
As for her saying how nice your road is and that she would like to live there, isn't that a massive compliment? It's better than her saying she wouldn't dream of living there.
She obviously is making you feel competitive and feel down on yourself. If you are aware of pregnancy symptoms then you will automatically presume that someone saying they are tired is them hinting they're pregnant, even though they aren't.
This being said, a friend should make you feel good about yourself and she certainly isnt, whether that be her fault or your own jealousy. Life is too short to have toxic friendships so I'd cut ties or at least keep my distance.

Btw, her life won't be as perfect as you think it is and she might feel just as jealous of you. Good luck with getting pregnant, hope it happens for you soon