To want to unfriend

[Londonjam]

My three oldest, closest friends bonded at secondary school and have been close ever since.

One of them has increasingly become difficult for me to be around and I find myself wanting to cut contact with her more and more.

She is very competitive - particularly with me. She constantly finds ways to mention how much her flat is worth, how much her husband earns, how much his bonus was. She even competes about ridiculous things like how much annual leave she gets and when they were buying a new car she even asked me what size our car engine is. One of the most ridiculous lines was after the birth of her child she said her husband said her vagina felt even tighter during sex as they stitched her up so well. I can't believe I'm even typing this - but she said it.

Things seem to happen easily for her. She met her husband "in a bar" they got engaged within a year, married and then had a baby in quick succession. She says they conceived the first time they tried.

I have since found out from one of her husbands friends that they met online - so I know she has lied about that. I'm sure she has lied about more.

My husband and I have had our ups and downs. He took his sweet time proposing to me (9 years) - during which time I saw this friend meet, get engaged and marry her DH. We have been trying for a baby for over a year - something I've wanted very badly all my life - and the disappointment every month is crushing. We have struggled to buy our own home , saving and saving for years and are finally doing it now.

I try not to compare myself to her - we have our own separate lives - but it's hard when she shoves it in your face all the time. Since she found out where we are buying she has said repeatedly how much she loves our road, it's the perfect road, they are looking on our road. It's like she knows it would wind me up and it's her way of spoiling the one positive thing we have going on.

I think she's also trying to make me think she's pregnant again as whenever I see her or hear from her she says things like "I am sooooooooooooo tired all the time, why am I so tired??? My boobs hurt that's weird. Etc etc etc". Why do this???

I could tolerate her before but now I'm having to cope with not conceiving it's just too much and I feel like I'm spending too much mental energy on her. I get so angry and upset thinking about her emails and messages. I never ever contact her by the way - it's always her messaging me.

I guess I just want some advice on what to do about it. Do I say something? If so what and how? It would also impact painfully on the friendship group. How do you unfriend someone???

Eek I hope for your sanity she doesn't become a neighbour, but in a way she'd have to shake off all this oh life is so perfect, as you'd see at close quarters it isn't. Even though you're obvious a lot older, she sounds like a teenager. My younger cousins all went through the bullshit phase, thinking ofcourse I'm going to be believed, but they grew out of it.
In all reality her life is most likely boring and mundane, she has but her DC for company most of the time, then her DH, which may explain the me, me, me attitude. But you're meant to mature a bit when you have a child, not regress further backwards.
I get how hard it is on a TTC front, the last thing you want or need is someone with a baby and this oh so perfect life rubbing your nose in it. I don't think others get it unless they've had problems TTC, it's not just your friend but others with babies too. It's a very difficult situation that needs to be handled with care and thought.
We always make a point of saving for things then buying them, when we got a new car which was 3 years old, a work colleague the same weekend got a brand new car on finance. She was bragging how it was the latest number plate and had all these things. DH said but you're paying £X a month for 5 years, you'll make a massive loss as you have to have the best.
She kind of muttered something, DH went on about how saving and owning outright feels better because it's yours and there's no worries about what if's. OK she got her place first, but as I think I said you and DH worked hard and sacrificed for your deposit. I would say that's quite an achievement.
Also you've not rushed into having children, albeit a struggle now, you've had lots of fun and experiences together. She's got with a guy the had a baby, they didn't really have the same quality time together. I'm not calling down people who do it that way, as we did it that way as we knew I had gynae issues that could cause issues getting pregnant.
Unless she has a good support network, time with just DH & your friend is probably limited. She sees you struggling to conceive, but you can still do as you please, so all she can do to make herself feel better is brag about baby or rub it in your face, could I be pregnant. Whilst DH took 9 years to propose, again you've had that quality time together, so whilst you're jealous of the quick proposal, she'd never admit it, but maybe her DH isn't as perfect as she thought.
You've explained to one friend why you avoid going out. If there's any more in the group invite them round and say I'm sorry, just really struggling with 'X' and how it always has to be about her. Maybe you could have times out not advertised on FB etc where she isn't there. I can't see any reason why it always has to be all of you together. People grow apart.
Wishing you all the best TTC. Have you seen all the Fertility Forums? There's different protocols people try with supplements to try and boost fertility. You could need something as simple as progesterone support in the luteal phase. You can buy baby aspirin which should negate clotting issues. You can use vit B6 to boost progesterone, plus flax seeds and B12 too.
Please don't give up all hope.

She says all this to make herself feel better, she must be very insecure.

However, it's not up to you to take this crap just to help her insecurities.

I would distance myself and make less and less contact. If you do have to be in her company then be very vague about your own personal life. Try to keep conversations to general stuff.

If she mentions the house move then just smile and don't acknowledge.
Change the subject if she wants to find out your business.

It would be easier in the long run to let friendship taper off. You don't need to feel like this for anybody.

Ugh she sounds dreadful. Phase her out and dont give her a second thought. She clearly doesnt think much about you so no reason to feel guilty.

I would be incredibly wary of discussing her with your other friends, as all that achieves is turning it into a playground 'you're my friend, she isn't' drama. You are clearly in a difficult situation currently OP and I wish you all the best and hope you get your much wanted pregnancy soon but this situation with your friend is perhaps seeming far more dramatic due to your own feelings of desperation right now. From what I can read of what you have written it sounds like your relationship with her right now is not working for you, and that is perfectly ok, you are not in any way obliged to be friends with her. We CAN chose our friends, we only get saddled with our relatives.

Ignore Everywhere and Cabbage it sounds like they simply don't get the situation , are similar people to your "friend"or they read a different post than every single other pp!

She sounds awful and I would block and delete her from your life OP. If she asks why, tell her the truth .She does sound insecure and there has to be a reason she tries to impress you because she's knows it will make you feel bad which will make her feel better. She's not a friend, she's just someone you have known a long time. Ditch her and your mood will improve!

She does sound a bit irritating.

I have since found out from one of her husbands friends that they met online - so I know she has lied about that. I'm sure she has lied about more.

I don't think lying about this is unreasonable. I met my DP online and we don't tell people that we met online. He used to do so some of his friends will know we met online. But I find it embarrassing to admit that I used an online dating site, and his friends make fun of him for using it. It's a lot easier to say 'met in a bar' or 'at an event' or 'through friends' (which is the one I go with) than have to listen to a slew of questions and comments on online dating. Plus it's hardly a big lie. It's not anyone else's business how people met. What if they'd met having an affair or at a swingers party or some other thing nobody would want to admit to? Lying about this isn't an indicater that the person is a liar in general.

Elenife is exactly it! And the jellyfish stings. I feel like I'm bracing myself when I'm around her.

I think I'll be going more along the reducing contact and withdrawing from her approach. Confrontation would not go well and could end up alienating me from our mutual friends - you are right.

I've unfollowed and hidden and left a couple of WhatsApp groups. DH suggested I delete her emails without reading them. I can't change her but I can limit the impact she has on me.

It's a shame she has to be like this. As someone said sharing your highs and lows and vulnerabilities with friends is what brings you close and creates trust. She can't do this and ultimately she misses out.

The point about internet dating - absolutely I get it, so many of our friends have met online, it's not an issue. What I find strange is that she didn't tell her closest oldest friends she was internet dating. She is constantly encouraging our single friend to do it - so why not say "I did it and met my husband so it went very well for me". The fact she has lied says to me she doesn't think it's good enough and doesn't want people thinking that's what she did. God knows why, it's just bizarre?!!

Singingintherainstorm thanks again for your post, I think there's probably a lot of truth in that. I am a very frequent user of the fertility boards and get lots of lovely support there. And for others who have asked we have had preliminary tests - all normal apart from low sperm morphology - if anyone knows anything about that please contact me! We have been referred to the fertility unit at the hospital and have our initial appointment next month.

Screwinthetuna I am far from perfect and yes I do get jealous - hard not to when you want something so much and it happens easily for others. I'd have to be a saint not to! But trust me when I say this person goes out of her way to rub it in and make me feel bad. I have lots of lovely friends who have babies and big houses and all sorts of lovely things and I do not have this problem with them!

Derxa I think you're right that my feelings are all mixed up with ttc hurt. I could always tolerate this person - with some irritation and a bit of confusion / dismay - but it's really really really got to me since we started trying and failing to conceive. I feel like all my mental and emotional strength is taken up with staying strong and picking myself back up every month when my period inevitably comes. I don't have any capacity for people in my life right now who make me feel worse than I already do.

Happyflappy I've tried acupuncture which I loved but too expensive to keep up! I do daily yoga with Adrienne which I love. I try to practice mindfulness. I need to exercise more though - I've got a bit lazy on that front. Ummmmmm yes calling her out on it is another idea and I think I'll use that if she confronts me about why I don't speak to her or see her anymore. Not entirely sure what I'd say but just I'm having a difficult time and finding her need to compete too hard ? Maybe use the example of her pretending to have pregnancy symptoms as that in my mind is just so cruel. If she's pregnant I would hope she would tell me sensitively and then not be a dick about it. Here's hoping!

Londonjam

I think when you are ttc so badly, something primal kicks in and interferes with a lot of your emotions. I can personal vouch for this; one of my friends had a termination and then regretted it while I was pregnant and had to cut off all ties with me for a while as she couldn't bear to see me pregnant, even though I was far from rubbing her face in it.
There's a chance that either she's just completely oblivious about her actions or perhaps is insecure and jealous of you too.
If you have lots of other friends, why do you need this one? Life really is too short to spend much time with people who make you unhappy

Primal is exactly what it is tuna I feel so bloody helpless and overwhelmed by this at times.

I must say though I am finding strength that I never knew I had. Infertility doesn't half test your mettle. I will continue to dig deep!

I have been having fertility treatments the past three years and I have ditched people for less than this. She is not your friend.

1. Unfollow her on facebook (in three months time delete her).

2 be too busy to meet her.

1. Don't take her calls.
2. If she tricks you into seeing her (via friends or because she knows your routine) be too busy/ have to go GP appointment/ just had a text from aunt something that she needs help gotta dash/ just got diarrhea have to go /dh called about problem with the house need to go.

5 if she confronts you then just say with a big smile that your lives have gone in a different direction and you are so busy now. And then some excuse (see number 4) and leave.

Just never let her in your life anymore. A real friend won't want to hurt you. A real friend will wait till they are at least 14 weeks pregnant before they will tell you in the nicest possible way while holding your hand.

Chinny your post made me well up thank you for your heartfelt advice I'm sorry you are struggling with ttc too it's the worst thing and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I am going to be referring back to this thread and this advice many times.

London,
Infertility hurts so much and I have already been through a lot in my life. I have to say that it has also made me realise that some of my friends love me more than I would ever deserve.

-The call my australian cousin rescheduled 3 times because she was scared to tell me that she was pregnant with number two.
-My friend who had a big cry about my infertility and a month later her husband called to tell me that if I need a surrogate then they wanted to do it.
-My friend who knows how much I love her kids sends me their hand made ugly paintings to brighten my day with a card from her how much she loves me.

• my brothers wife decided on her own to call off the procedure to tie up her tubes in case that I needed her eggs.

and mostly all these people never ever ask about my treatments or anything. Just "How are you" and will only respond to whatever my answer is. They get it. They might not know what it's like but they understand that it is really difficult.

I don't have any good advice, but you sound lovely London, not jealous, understandably, slightly envious.
Don't rise to her bait.
Have a warm handhold OP, I hope with all my heart, that it's your turn soon Lovely. 💐

Thank you sugar and chinny, your family and friends sound lovely 🌼🌸

LondonJam sorry I know the thread has moved on and you've had some lovely advice.

If she knows you are TTC and is still like this, then that is horrid . I really hope you manage to have your baby soon, really I wish you the best of luck.

Don't get caught up in her weird sad attempts at validating herself.

I can't begin to understand what you're going through but I only hope you get the right outcome xx

I feel a little sorry for your friend. She sounds terribly insecure and seeking validation all the time. Have you had a deep and meaningful with her? Maybe all isn't as it seems? It is frustrating for you though, especially when you have stuff going on too. Maybe an honest, friendly conversation about how she is making you feel is needed?

I think you need to move on. But I don't see it as her doing...
You say she's always been like this. But it's only now that it bothers you because of TTC. So that's really down to you rather than her.
The examples you gave really don't sound that upsetting (annoying perhaps) except that I can see how the hinting that she might be pregnant has hit you hard.

Don't make others take sides, just stop responding to her and concentrate on yourself

Yeah, she sounds like a dick.

You won't miss her. Honestly.

Best of wishes

Can't you email her details of a couple of local therapists and say that you can understand why she doesn't want to mention her personal issues but you're aware that often a lack of self-confidence comes through in someone's actions; for years you've (all) seen her trying to appear better than everyone around her, and that's a classic sign of low self-esteem, but now that she's even trying to imitate you in where you live etc. you're getting worried for her and think she should seriously consider getting some professional help to finally sort these problems out once and for all. I doubt she'll be looking to move down your road after that