To want to unfriend

[Londonjam]

My three oldest, closest friends bonded at secondary school and have been close ever since.

One of them has increasingly become difficult for me to be around and I find myself wanting to cut contact with her more and more.

She is very competitive - particularly with me. She constantly finds ways to mention how much her flat is worth, how much her husband earns, how much his bonus was. She even competes about ridiculous things like how much annual leave she gets and when they were buying a new car she even asked me what size our car engine is. One of the most ridiculous lines was after the birth of her child she said her husband said her vagina felt even tighter during sex as they stitched her up so well. I can't believe I'm even typing this - but she said it.

Things seem to happen easily for her. She met her husband "in a bar" they got engaged within a year, married and then had a baby in quick succession. She says they conceived the first time they tried.

I have since found out from one of her husbands friends that they met online - so I know she has lied about that. I'm sure she has lied about more.

My husband and I have had our ups and downs. He took his sweet time proposing to me (9 years) - during which time I saw this friend meet, get engaged and marry her DH. We have been trying for a baby for over a year - something I've wanted very badly all my life - and the disappointment every month is crushing. We have struggled to buy our own home , saving and saving for years and are finally doing it now.

I try not to compare myself to her - we have our own separate lives - but it's hard when she shoves it in your face all the time. Since she found out where we are buying she has said repeatedly how much she loves our road, it's the perfect road, they are looking on our road. It's like she knows it would wind me up and it's her way of spoiling the one positive thing we have going on.

I think she's also trying to make me think she's pregnant again as whenever I see her or hear from her she says things like "I am sooooooooooooo tired all the time, why am I so tired??? My boobs hurt that's weird. Etc etc etc". Why do this???

I could tolerate her before but now I'm having to cope with not conceiving it's just too much and I feel like I'm spending too much mental energy on her. I get so angry and upset thinking about her emails and messages. I never ever contact her by the way - it's always her messaging me.

I guess I just want some advice on what to do about it. Do I say something? If so what and how? It would also impact painfully on the friendship group. How do you unfriend someone???

I think to ditch her you're going to have to be blatant about it unfortunately. If she ends up living on the same road as you you are going to have her living in your pocket if you're still friends. If you do conceive (and I'm sure you will ) she will probably end up pregnant at the same time and want to do the baby classes together, will have opinions on your parenting choices etc etc.

You don't sound jealous london.....anyone would feel hurt and annoyed by this sort of behaviour.
Friendship is two way and if she cared about you and not only herself, she would have empathy for your feelings and understand that nobody wants to glisten to all her crap and nothing else!

A true friend listens as well. She obviously has never listened properly to you otherwise she would stop behaving like she is.
It's pretty obvious she is just making it up as she goes along.....nobody's life is that perfect. She is self absorbed and attention seeking.

I think cool off, don't reply to texts or Facebook stuff but first and foremost, arrange a get together with the other friends and chat to them about her.
Tell them how she makes you feel and ask them if they feel the same.

Just because you've been friends since school, doesn't mean you have to stay that way forever. People change and I don't think we truly become our real selves until at least late 20's. Before that, we are having fun, and don't really find out who we want to be until we have had chance to live.

She is obviously seeking attention all the time and that is draining on people around her. I know it's wrong to just people and hard on MN to reply without actually knowing somebody, but she sounds very lonely and that she perhaps lacks attention from family or her partner perhaps?

Having fertility issues tends to make or break friendships. She is being beyond insensitive rubbing it in your face about a possible 2nd DC. But you found out she made her meeting of her DH to be super romantic, when they met online. The truth most likely is, she's over egging all these puddings and is chatting crap.
It's hard not to take heed of the fertility stuff, but everything else take with a pinch of salt, I would be sarcastic and say something like 'That's nice, I personally hold little worth to personal possessions so it's means little to me!' Yes DH took his time proposing but you have (I hope) a very strong unit together, where if her life was rushed maybe she's insecure, but would never dare admit it.
I hope for your sanity that she doesn't move up the road from you, hopefully she's just pushing buttons, rather than being serious on the subject.
I don't know where you are in your fertility journey, but if there's anything I can help with I assume you can DM me. I went through all the lovely procedures and drugs, plus losses too so have knowledge in that area.
One thing to bear in mind, you have solid foundations with DH, you had to work hard for your property, it makes little difference if you have a Ferrari or Ford Focus, as long as the car drives that's all you need worry about. I would hate to have a life where so much onus is put on the wrong stuff. I guess she's the kind of Mum who drives other Mum's potty, bragging about milestones, which again is of little value. As long as DC is happy and healthy, that is all that matters.
Whilst she drives you insane I would suggest she's jealous of something.

We have all met these types of people and I guess it is harder to unfriend these days because of social media, texting etc. Probably best to block her and do what others have suggested on here - it might be hard to shake her off if they do move to your road ( do you think she will or just saying that) but not impossible.

• she is probably very insecure deep down and nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors either. Normal folk do not go around boasting like this - other people will also drop her if she continues, but some people do not have much self awareness i'm afraid. I do feel your pain , have met a few myself but managed to unfriend and if she does have another child, she will be too busy herself to worry about what your doing!

I wonder if there's something about you or your life that she's jealous of in which may explain why she behaves like this. Perhaps things aren't all rosy at home and she's trying to compensate by making herself feel better by making sure you know how 'well' she's doing? Perhaps she's competitive with you as she sees you as competition as to who's living the best life? I don't know. People behave strangely sometimes and a lot of it is down to insecurity. She does sound like a massive twat though.

Chopchop before she got married, well she's always been a bit like this. Had to be the first to lose her virginity, and every subsequent man had a slightly bigger dick than the last already enormous one. Me and the other girls did used to laugh about this. She never really got to me like this until more recently though. I think you're right in that it's heartache for me where I was longing to get engaged for so many years and felt envious when it happened so quickly for her. Now I feel like it's history repeating with having babies!

Thanks for all the support and replies, it is helping me feel what I already felt about cutting her out further.

As mentioned it's not really Facebook that's the problem. It's meeting up with other mutual friends - I already upset our mutual old friend S who thought I was avoiding her as I kept making excuses to not go. I invited S round for dinner in the end and explained.

God I really really really hope she does not buy on our road.

judge people

Poor you OP :(

I don't think you are jealous of her as some have suggested. Envious of some of her circumstances but not of her as a person, and on some level she knows this.

People who need to brag, especially to people who they know don't have the same thing they want to brag about, is a sign of the deepest insecurity and lack of confidence. She has already lied about some circumstances of her life to paint them in a more positive and romantic life. So what does that tell you! It's very sad for her that she needs to behave this way and you should pity her.

That being said, does she offer you any support? Is she aware you are TTC? If yes and no, then that's what this is really about. If she's not there for you as a friend then there's no point subjecting your self to er oh so unpleasant company. Don't surround yourself with negativity and don't make a show of cutting her out, just simply stop being around her.

Honestly, the next time she brags I'd have to say "I feel so sorry for you, you must be so insecure to keep having to put your life on display, are you ok? I'm sure we can help you find a therapist if it'll help".
I'd make sure she knew her behaviour was unacceptable and that I knew she'd lied about things. She needs a reality check, she'd be so embarrassed she might actually give it a rest! Then if she doesn't change tell her that you can't be around someone who is so self obsessed and constantly trying to compete because you're quite happy with your life and sick of her negativity.
If you'd rather say nothing just stop talking to her entirely. Don't waste your time weaning her off, just stop contact

I can't see that she's competitive. by the sound of it, she will share some news as you're close, old friends. You get jealous and upset as you would like all the stuff she has (by e sound of it).

If you can't be happy for her and just feel jealous and frustrated, then it's more of a problem of yours really. However, you could tell her how you feel and you'd like her to filter the info a bit because you feel down.

And if you can't even enjoy her company any more and get consumed by jealousy, then perhaps your friendship can't work at all.

What you are all saying about what's going behind closed doors is very true. Her previous relationship was long term and we all thought was very happy. According to her everything was perfect, they had sex all the time etc. When they broke up she text us all in the middle of the night and we were all genuinely gobsmacked. There was never a sign that anything less than perfect. I remember texting her and saying you are joking come off it, as she's a bit of a wind up and I could only assume it was a weird joke.

Why put this front on? I don't get it at all.

Jojo i am envious yes, but this is more than this. She's deliberately trying to make me feel unhappy - why try and make me feel like she's pregnant when she knows we are struggling to conceive?

Also LOADS of people in our life have babies and marriages and houses and all sorts of wonderful things - and I am very happy for them and enjoy seeing them and their babies!!!

Yes of course I get affected by envy but I am not consumed by jealousy, that is not by any means the only thing going on here

You need to meet your own needs first and going through TTC is tough - you need to be kind to yourself, and get rid of shit that makes you feel bad. Like this 'friend'. Get rid and look after you.

agree , its the ones that boast and brag that have actually not so great a life

I also think to unfriend is best, be gentle about it but make a concerted decision to NOT see her

ignore texts or take time to reply
cancel at the last minute events she is at
unfollow IMMEDIATELY
you could always change mobile no (drastic)

I'd not be unkind about, but she add NOTHING to you

I would also NOT discuss with other friends. be vague

why are you so jealous of her though? she is jealous of you and you are jealous of her! why???

Singingintherainstorm thanks for offering ttc support, sorry you had problems too, it's just awful

Some friends are seasonal, sounds like her season is over. She sounds jealous of you too.

Just unfollow her on Facebook, she won't know. And be very busy and nice.

Sorry about your troubles TCC x

Alltheglitters yes she does know we are ttc. She has offered support but I had to nip that in the bud quite early on as she would text me and ask me if my period has come! I asked her not to ask. Now she more generally says "How's things???? Any news???".

I think she doesn't like knowing if I'm pregnant or not? I suspect she rather likes being the only one in our little group who has a DC and won't like having to share the limelight.

Something I've noticed her do when we meet up is , if someone else is talking about themselves or their life in some detail, she starts looking at her phone. She mutters something about her husband or baby - but it's always happens to be when someone is wanting to talk about something other than her!

She sounds insecure, self centred and attention seeking. How do the other two if your group find her?
I had a friend who I was very close to supported through rough times then when all was happy the attention seeking became a nightmare and what was going on in her life/job etc was always more dramatic than anyone else. The final straw for me and another of our foursome was the first time we met the fourth friend's new boyfriend for the first time and she arrived in the pub all dramatic, what a busy and nightmare week she'd had not asking how anyone else was despite the fact one friend had just split with long term partner due to his infidelity and a colleague of mine who I got on with very well had died earlier that week. She didn't ask how we were or make any effort to chat with friend's new boyfriend so me and one of the others let the friendship fizzle out.
Apologies for essay but I think some people do change and we need to move on from those relationships.

Fuzzywuzzy they have had their flat valued and are having house viewings now. Moving to our road is a real possibility!

I had a friend similar to this, not nearly as bad though, but I just started taking longer and longer to reply to messages and just put 'great news ' to the obviously bragging msgs that seemed to just be looking for a reaction. We are now friendly rather than friends, I see her about once a year and am much happier for it. It's easier for me though as we live a long way apart now.

you sound like you just don't like her anymore, not to mention incredibly jealous of her.

I don't think London sounds jealous, as such - perhaps slightly envious that everything seems togo so smoothly for this "frenemy" (absolutely agree with that term, Oxo).

I think she sounds depressed that she is unable to conceive (especially as this may also be age-related if she and DH were together 9 years before getting married) and just p*ssed off that her "friend" rubs her nose into everything.

"Oh we met antd it was Love's Young Dream and he couldn't wait to carry me up the aisle and we decided to Cement Our Blissful Union with a Baby and the first time we Did It after our decision I was pregnant (How the hell does she know THAT?)" etc etc etc. And now she's throwing out snide comments about - "oooh my sore boobs just like when . . ." and probably adding a tinkly laugh.

She's not your friend London. She is using you to make herself feel better. You KNOW that she has lied about at least one aspect of her life - doubtless she is lying or exaggerating about others.

She and her DH went online wanting to meet someone to marry - you met your DH when you both were ready for a relationship where you could grow to know and love each other (perhaps you would have liked to marry sooner, but believe me, you know more about your husband and his virtues and faults and needs and longings - she will still be learning about hers). That is why they married so quickly. The baby - well, some people are lucky in this respect, others less so when it comes to conception. Sadly, that is life.

I think she has been jealous of you for a long time and is getting a lot of satisfaction from making these spiteful comments (she knows what she is doing). As a PP suggested - block her on GB and allow the friendship to fade rather than doing anything outright, especially as you are members of the same social group.

She's very self absorbed. On the house situation start talking wistfully about some other aspirational location in your area. How it's upcoming/ great for schools etc etc. Whilst backing away from her socially until you're over the horizon.
She sounds a drain.

I knew someone very like this op. It was before the days of emails and mobile phones but she phoned me at work and home several times a day to undermine everything in my life.

If I asked her specifically not to talk about something that was bothering me she'd talk about it twice as much and reduce me to tears.

I was also concerned about how unfriending her would impact on mutual friends but latterly I didn't care and stopped answering her calls. The relief of not having to deal with her was immense and I managed to stay good mates with the other 2 in the group.

This was all 20 years ago. She actually moved about a 10 minute walk from my house and kept phoning to tell me how much better her house was than mine (it wasn't) 😎 but she'd lost her "power" over me by then.

I don't think you sound jealous of her, you sound ground down and exhausted by her. She needs to go.

It does not really matter if she is insensitive or you over sensitive as she is making you feel crap and her personality will not change anytime soon. I find some people have a need to fill every conversation gap and the only subject the know is themselves.

Happyflappy we got together at 21 and I'm just 33, so whilst I would have liked to start trying sooner I feel that we are in okay time. I hope! But yes trying and failing to conceive is killing me. I'm crying even writing those words. I'm not depressed I'm just so desperate to be pregnant ☹️