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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To report my colleague for hitting me

821 replies

QueenyLaverne · 31/01/2017 21:43

Colleague (quite substantial guy) who's job is to bring supplies up to our floor, brought some stuff up. He came to find me, I was on break, to tell me and did so in a very sarcastic way. Not unusual, he is a sarky bastard and we don't like him much, but hey ho we tolerate him and are nice to him. I jokingly pulled him up on it and said something like, 'oh, who do you think your talking to!' 'Laugh laugh' he said something else and I was holding a newspaper which I pretended to hit him with, it tapped him with as we were having banter.
He then comes at me and walloped me on my arm, it really hurt, my arm was still hurting at the end of my shift and I felt really quite tearful, not from the pain, (although it did really hurt) but more because I felt really violated.
Can you tell me if I'm being overly sensitive or if this is unacceptable behaviour and should be reported?
AIBU?

OP posts:

ProphetOfDoom · 31/01/2017 22:39

I think because your own behaviour is not entirely professional - and it needs to be if going forward with a complaint - then don't do anything because of the level of bother it will cause you isn't proportionate to the crime. Be meticulous in all future dealings.

Many years ago when I was young I engaged in a silly bit of horseplay with my then dh and a colleague/friend and pretended to tip his drink as he drank at a BBQ (we were playing balancing games and the like) he then returned the 'favour' by hitting the bottom of my glass so it hit my lip and teeth & the drink went down my dress. I was tearfully embarrassed, it really hurt. I also realised my 'teasing' had caused him grave offence and he'd come back harder out of anger or possibly embarrassment. I think ppl were startled/shocked by his actions tbh, my then-mild mannered dh caught sight of my tears, turned on his friend/colleague and lamped him! Looking back I think the friend/colleague was a twat but my own conduct was not beyond reproach.

RebelRogue · 31/01/2017 22:40

AskBasil the problem lies in... will OP's company see it as you do,or take the mainstream view of half of 6,half of a dozen and dismiss it or worse,discipline OP as well?

unfortunateevents · 31/01/2017 22:40

Neither of you sound professional and it will be impossible for whichever manager has to deal with this to establish exactly what happened. It's all a matter of perception.

You say he is a "sarky bastard" but you all "tolerate" him. His version of events will probably be that you and your colleagues are a cliquey bunch of bitches who are constantly belittling him and make clear your dislike of him.

You say he told you about the supplies in a "sarcastic" way and you "jokingly" pulled him up on it. His version of events will go something along the lines that he announced quite matter-of-factly that the supplies had arrived and you were patronising and pulled rank on him.

He will say that you hit him first and that he "tapped" you in return. I suspect that his version of your tap with the newspaper will also sound quite different to what you have written here. He will also say that you said nothing to him at the time about being upset or that he had hurt your arm and that if you had done so he would have apologised.

Why do you feel it necessary to report this without speaking to him directly first?

DJBaggySmalls · 31/01/2017 22:40

LouisevilleLlama
Someone else said ''degrees of force are irrelevant''; I said they are not.

Degrees of force are relevant.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 31/01/2017 22:41

Unfortunately I think he will pull 'she hit me first defense' if you do report him. I agree that a tap is not the same as wallop but I think if you complain you will both end up with verbal or written warnings with regard to horseplay in the work place.

Can you change the procedures for delivering stuff to your department so that he doesn't come into your work area? All in the interests of efficiency of course. Then you will never have to deal with him again.

bumsexatthebingo · 31/01/2017 22:42

And also entirely taking the op's word for how hard she and the other guy hit. As if she's not going to be playing her part down (pretended to hit him? no - she hit him) whilst making what he did sound as bad as possible.

AskBasil · 31/01/2017 22:42

Agreed RebelRogue, if her company is half way decent, they will recognise the dynamics at play here.

If not they'll pretend like some of the handmaidens on this thread.

PigletJohn · 31/01/2017 22:44

remove the gender. X hits Y and says "It was only a tap, I didn't mean to hurt them, and anyway, it was only in fun"

What do we usually say about X?

Can we forecast how Y will react? Has Y previously been bullied, mocked, intimidated? We don't know.

Sallystyle · 31/01/2017 22:45

I am sure I will get told off for being sexist.

However, the whole 'well she hit him first is bullshit' If I hit my husband then I'm an arsehole and there is no excuse for my behaviour and he should leave me. However, he would never, ever hit me back because he is much stronger than I am and could restrain me with one hand. Women should never lay a finger on men but I do not believe that if they do it is ok for a man to smack them one back if they can restrain them easily enough.

That opinion is rarely popular though.

OP, you should report him. You were joking about, he was aggressive. Hitting someone lightly with a paper is not deserving of being hit back aggressively and with force.

CherrySkull · 31/01/2017 22:45

unfortunateevents, what an absolute crock of shite.

it doesn't matter if she was off with him, or he took it badly YOU DONT PUNCH YOUR WORK COLLEGUES

jesus.

HumphreyCobblers · 31/01/2017 22:46

And also entirely taking the op's word for how hard she and the other guy hit.

Generally we do take the information available in the OP. It is a convention of a forum. The other bloke isn't here, is he? Other wise any thread about anything would be pointless.

RebelRogue · 31/01/2017 22:47

Tbh if it were me I'd sack the guy for assault,but pull up OP for her unprofessional behaviour in general. She wasn't behaving great before the newspaper issue. And perhaps banter should be avoided in the future.

bumsexatthebingo · 31/01/2017 22:47

Well you shouldn't hit anyone back regardless of sex you should report it. But nor should you hit anyone first.
Both should be disciplined.

PrivatePike · 31/01/2017 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bumsexatthebingo · 31/01/2017 22:50

I think most people tend to read between the lines. The op is clearly playing down her role to almost nothing yet the other guy hit her so hard she had tears in her eyes but she said nothing and no mention of an injury? It's not hard to imagine that the other guys version of events would be very different.

Bettersleepoutdoors · 31/01/2017 22:51

Too many unknown details for me.
What does it mean to be a sarky bastard? What did he actually say?
How hard did you hit him and what was the "tone". Same for his hitting you. "walloped" what does that mean?
Only you know whether you should report him. If he intentionally hurt you then you should do of course.
Nobody here can say because we don't really even have one side of the argument never mind a measured account of events.

P00pchute · 31/01/2017 22:51

I can't believe what I'm reading on here - that a flick with a newspaper in jest - is equal to a hard punch. You're f**cking mental. Actually mental.

Apparently the degree of force is not relevant, so if you chuck a paper plane, please expect a brick to the back of the skull, because you provoked it? This is some very dangerous thinking, and it actually angers me greatly to read these comments.

littlepeas · 31/01/2017 22:51

What an awful thread.

OP.

SarfEast1cated · 31/01/2017 22:51

I would speak to the colleague who was there and see what they thought. This bloke sounds like he hates his job and resents having to bring things to you. Your bantering probably sounded like mockery to him. Probably rankled a lot in fact, and the tapping with a paper tipped him over the edge. He obviously shouldn't have smacked you back, but I think your behaviour was weird and clunky.

AskBasil · 31/01/2017 22:51

PigletJohn, if you remove the gender as you call it (do you mean sex?) from the discussion, then you make it meaningless.

Men know they are bigger and stronger than women. That's why they don't hit them back with the same force a woman might have used.

My son knew that by the time he was about 13. Just as he knows, that when our 5 year old neighbour plays Star Wars with him and gets rough, he doesn't use the same force the 5 year old uses with him.

Normal decent men know all this. They don't need it explained.

Chloe84 · 31/01/2017 22:52

unfortunateevents

His version of events will probably be that you and your colleagues are a cliquey bunch of bitches who are constantly belittling him and make clear your dislike of him.

OP didn't say her colleagues are female, so why would you choose the word bitches ? I think that says everything we need to know about you.

Why do you feel it necessary to report this without speaking to him directly first?

Victims of assault are not required to speak to their attacker first, they can just report them.

AskBasil · 31/01/2017 22:53

Also the level of disbelief is quite interesting as well.

The OP is exaggerating... she's downplaying her role... we have to read between the lines...

Whatever you do, don't ever, ever believe anything a woman says about her experience with a man, will you.

WayfaringStranger · 31/01/2017 22:54

I feel like there is much more to this story. However, I shall reply based on face value. He behaved appallingly and yes, of course he should be reported. I don't condone his behaviour and you certainly did not deserve this. Perhaps this is a good time to reflect on your work behaviour and tighten up some professional boundaries. You were inappropriate and unprofessional. However, he committed gross misconduct and a criminal offence.

WayfaringStranger · 31/01/2017 22:55

I don't disbelieve the OP at all, however she did imply a backstory.

SecretWitch · 31/01/2017 22:56

Sorry being female does not give you a pass when it comes to this type of behaviour. Op instigated event. She bears responsibility for what happened. She struck first.,

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