Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

aibu - shouted at him for scoffing all the biscuits

144 replies

ExpatTrailingSpouse · 30/01/2017 16:57

lots of other stuff going on, and he has form for this. a little background, live overseas. went to uk in november, dm spent her hard-saved pennies buying him a whole bunch of his favourite uk chocolate. also bought the family in general a few boxes and tins of nice m&s biscuits.

bring it back. he took most of the chocolate and gave it away to his parents and brothers... i was pissed enough at that, as my dm doesn't save her money to buy treats for his family.

we've now started eating the biscuits. first box was m&s chocolatey biscuits - brought them out at dessert so everyone, him, me and ds can share. everyone has 1 or 2. then when no one's looking he goes back and eats 2-3 more by himself. so when i bring it out after dinner the next day the box is half gone.

just opened a tin of nice m&s shortbread (the ones they do for xmas time). i ate one last night. had to take sick dog to vet this morning, get back and half the tin is gone!!!

ffs, why can some people not control themselves and scoff the lot, when there are three people in the house who'd like to have some? i've now told him if he can't control himself and think of the other people in the house who'd like to have more than one out of the entire tin, don't have bloody any!

aibu? does this drive anyone else mad?

OP posts:
Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 30/01/2017 22:46

tuna - as always, human emotions are complicated. i can't say i don't like him very much all the time. sometimes i think we could have reconciled and then he does shit like this, plus bigger stuff.

supermum - ugh, hindsight is everything. we moved here from a much more blue state about 2 weeks after i found out about OW (we had given notice on our rental there, had bought a house here and missed the option period to cancel the contract). all moves for his job... so unlikely he'll agree to move elsewhere without a lot of fighting.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 30/01/2017 22:50

bluntness - that's actually an interesting way to look at it. and i'm glad your dh listens when you say don't eat this. what will happen the next time you make those special muffins? will you have to re-iterate that to him?

i'm asking because i think for me, having told him each time we have these UK treats in, i feel like i shouldn't have to repeat. i've literally said, this is a bag of 6 packs of mccoys. that means 3 each (pre-DS). he might listen that time. but the next time i bring them back, he'll eat 5 of the 6.

also now that DS is of an age to eat them and loves them, that means my share gets cut even smaller as i'll let DS have the special treat rather than me.

OP posts:
Screwinthetuna · 30/01/2017 22:53

Just read your other thread. You really are in a pickle. Any idea how long green card will take? I guess if it's going to be a few years then you are going to have to the your very hardest not to get riled up by the small stuff; try and make your own life more enjoyable outside of him so he doesn't irritate you so much.

I'm sorry you wirh such a dickhead and that you are somewhat trapped with him. A dickhead who eats lots of biscuits and doesn't share chicken (and cheats) is a bad type of dickhead to be stuck with WinkFlowers

Want2bSupermum · 30/01/2017 22:56

So, you need to get your greencard before you leave. Bite your tongue and let him eat all the biscuits. Lace them with exlax while you are at it.... Start looking at how you can go back to finish your PhD.

It would be great to get yourself back to school now. It will give you something positive to focus on and you will be so much better off being able to work when you leave him rather than having to take on debt to finish your studies. Have his income pay for the studies so you are not left with student debt while rebuilding your life.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. It is rotten.

Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 30/01/2017 22:58

tuna that's why i came here to vent :). trying to keep the small stuff from doing my head in. gratifying that i didn't get too many yabus. wish i'd been more familiar with mn when i found out about OW, think i'd have made a lot of different decisions.

OP posts:
user1480954406 · 30/01/2017 23:45

She,

Read the full thread, being in a middle class
Family doesn't mean you don't have this
Mentality. It's not so much about shortage of food as just I guess conpeting with siblings. I'm a bit selfish with food and my
Oh just laughs at it, that's what I'm getting at. I have like a preoccupation with getting my fair share and potentially more (despite coming from a middle class family).
Op, I'm totally not saying your oh isn't a dick
But you talked about your attitude with food.
Perhaps (particularly in the case of the chocolate) you are both feeling posessive over the food and projecting the way you feel generally about your husband onto the biscuit greed.

Boolovessulley · 31/01/2017 01:05

Yanbu op.
I have to say my first thought was to put laxatives in the biscuits.
As for the greed in public I'm speechless, how bloody rude.

Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 31/01/2017 01:11

user - my point about the choc bars was actually he could have binged all he liked on that as a) they were bought specifically only for him (in fact i added two bars to that lot as i didn't know DM had bought him any), and b) i actually don't eat straight chocolate as i don't like it that much. but he chose to give away the chocolate and then binge on treats bought for all the family which he knows i do like to eat (as we've had this come up before).

OP posts:
NightWanderer · 31/01/2017 01:26

Giving away the chocolate is a sign of disrespect toward your mother and indirectly toward you. He's greedy and selfish and shows you no respect. Good luck with your green card. I hope it comes through soon.

bummymummy77 · 31/01/2017 01:33

If dh ate my UK biscuits (or crisps) I'd fucking murder him. Angry

He's American though. I'd have more sympathy if he were British too.

bummymummy77 · 31/01/2017 01:37

A green card shouldn't take too long. I think mine was about 18 months from the first times I applied. I think.

Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 31/01/2017 01:38

bummy - he's not UK born either but has UK passport. what also gets me is he pretty much refuses to travel with me and DS back to UK (i spend half my trips taking DS to see his relatives, not just mine), but happy to scoff down the fruits of my trips. believe me i greatly enjoyed eating my fair share of the salt and vinegar mccoys this trip, and he didn't get any hula hoops.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 31/01/2017 01:39

bummy - i think there's a good chance there'll be significant delays with processing with the new administration. that plus it's still 18 months of limbo for me in the meantime.

OP posts:
bummymummy77 · 31/01/2017 01:56

That seems very unfair. I'd hide them all! Dh knows I'd be heartbroken if he ate any of my home goodies.

I spoke to my immigration lawyer just today as I was worried maybe I should be getting my passport/citizenship what with it all going nuts here at the moment and he said there were not longer wait times at this moment in time.

I live in a state where immigration isn't high though. Although we have the largest Somalian population in the States and I should imagine those who have held off citizenship will be hurrying to do so now.

YouHadMeAtCake · 31/01/2017 02:16

Yes imperial these greedy selfish bastards have given me extreme rage. Like pp have said, greed and selfishness are unattractive traits to have. These losers eating their DC treats , how especially pathetic. OP from all threads, you are definitely better of without the glutton! Argghhh, I'm so cross with all the greedy gits!

Want2bSupermum · 31/01/2017 02:23

Definitely agree that wait times are ok now. Get your application in though because it's all about to change and not for the better.

I can mail you crisps and biscuits if that helps you get through this. Just get your green card. You do not want to be forced to leave the country without your son because of your visa status.

Also, please start looking at ways to get back to school to finish your phd. Use the angle that it's a fresh start and being a SAHP just doesn't sit well with you.

The greedy little grubbed doesn't need to know your plans.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 31/01/2017 03:07

Just posted on your other thread OP.

Selfish asshole. Start counting down the days until you are RID of him.

Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 31/01/2017 04:18

company lawyer has indicated there are two options to go with - national interest waiver or labour certification prior to the green card application even being submitted. those are 3 months or more and 12 months or more each, plus the prep time, and then the green card applicataion is 9-12 months. so by the time the actual green card application is in, the wait times might be through the roof.

supermum - thanks for your kind offer :). unlike my H i can live without UK crisps and biscuits as needed. for various reasons, the phd likely isn't going to work out. i'm working on getting job applications in, but the market here is not that friendly to mothers on career/maternity breaks on non-immigrant visas... but that's the plan to at least get a job initially to try and erase the effect of the career gap.

OP posts:
SingingInTheRainstorm · 31/01/2017 04:55

Sorry but what a total wanker!

I've come across these types of men before, usually with Mum's who think the sun shines out of their arse.

I posted about one guy on another thread, my BF's exB, she got an assortment of deserts, to try a bit of each, or that's what she'd planned. He ate 2 of the deserts, she put 1 to the side planning to save it, I swear I could have exploded for her. He reached across, she said what you doing, he was all aren't you going to share that with me? She said no I want to save it, he pulled this face like my DS would when he was younger. Oh but I thought we were sharing things, I really want to know what it tastes like. I'm not sure if that's has lighting, but there was other examples where she'd pay for stuff and say oh I'll get this for me, then the next day it'd be gone. Oh I didn't realise you really wanted it. How she lasted so long I don't know, as every moment I spent in his company I wanted to say something reasonable, but didn't want to upset her. My DH isn't perfect but he knows not to take the piss.

I'll look at your other post too. It sounds like you are emotionally detaching yourself from him. Does DC have dual nationality? I can't really imagine he'd be too fussed if you left, especially if he thinks going on holiday with other women is ok.

If you need a fund to get out of there in sure enough MN'ers would donate to GoFundMe 'I'm with a total arsehole get me out of here!'

Julju · 31/01/2017 04:59

Eurgh, this is my pet hate at the moment. DP buys treats in the monthly shop and I like the odd square of chocolate here and there and he likes to binge. Fine. Only it's not as he regularly tucks into my bar of chocolate/can of coke when he's home alone, peckish and realises he's wolfed his down within 5 mins of getting home. Worse still, he doesn't say anything so at 9pm I think "I really fancy a kit Kat" I go to the cupboard and they're all gone! He doesn't see the issue as he says he was going to replace them next time he goes shopping! Grrr

TitaniasCloset · 31/01/2017 11:40

Off to read the other thread. I need to know what else this greedy fucker gets up to...

Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 31/01/2017 16:31

Singing - yes! i forgot that i used to think that he was a mummy's boy. that effect had faded somewhat since we moved significant distance away from them and they never visit us.

yes, detached emotionally - lots of ups and downs the last year or two, had thought things were improving, but basically as soon as they do, he shows his true colours. happened too many times, so i'm done with that. things like this biscuit stuff don't help.

DC has triple nationality, so that won't be an issue other than a US judge saying he has to stay here because he is a US citizen.

Julju yep exactly. a) these weren't easily replaceable as I brought them back from UK and b) he never replaces what he scoffs even if it is normal stuff available here.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExpatTrailingSpouse · 31/01/2017 17:13

oh yes, as expected, last night when i gave DS a shortbread for his dessert, H immediately got a plate to get one for himself. told him straight out he'd had his share of the biscuits and the rest were for me and DS.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 31/01/2017 17:15

How did he react to that?

CrispPacket · 31/01/2017 17:19

I dont think until you've lived over seas you can understand the longing for random Uk food such as biscuits hahaha for me it was sliced bread, not a massive bread eater but god I missed having a proper sandwich :')
Sorry OP no advice but totally get where youre coming from!!